Simon.. simon..

I've caught the American Idol bug.. again.. I watch it almost every year. I think the only seasons I didn't watch were Kelly Clarkson's and Carrie Underwood's.. they just didn't keep me interested...

But its these earlier auditions that usually keep me engaged.. I love watching the inital audition process.. seeing all the bad people on it makes me feel like I can audition too.. but then I see the really phenomenal people on there and I know I'm not as good as them..

I guess you can say I'm in between the bad and the great.. I guess I'm ok.. a lot of people tell me I should audition and that I'm really good..

But that's what the family and friends of those bad auditioners tell them too.. so.. i don't know if I should really believe it..

I would love to work up the courage to audition.. but I'm terrified of Simon.. I just don''t wanna get shut down.. I'm already very, very self-conscious about my singing as it is.. and as much as I love doing it.. I am so very, very, very insecure about it.. childhood trauma that I never really recovered from I guess..

I used to love to sing as a child.. and there was a time that I had a hard time keeping pitch.. I lost my ear for singing for a couple of years.. I guess it happens when your young and you don't really know what being "off-key" is.. I used to love to sing in front of family and just anywhere I was.. I wasn't ashamed..

Until my grandmother (God rest her soul) started telling me that I was off-key.. and that I shouldn't sing.. cuz I was bad..

Made me so very, very conscious about my singing and so I only sung to myself for many, many years.. and I know it was in those years that I had improved a lot.. but I was still so very shy to sing in public.. so I never did it..

Until my mom finally persuaded me to take voice lessons at 18 years old.. my first recital made me SOOOO nervous.. so did my first musical theater audition.. those were the first times I had ever sung in public by myself.. now.. I'm addicted to it.. and I guess I did improve because I have been asked to sing for so many friends and family events over the past few years..

But I still dont' think I'm good enough for simon.. I dont' think I'll ever be good enough for American Idol.. ever..

I'll always have Rancho Cucamonga's Community Theater.. and the Adult Chorale Troupe..