I'm giving up..

Justyn starts on MOnday.. I'm happy.. finally.. money for himself.. he'll finally get the stability he needs..

But it's still not enough for us.. it's never going to be enough for us.. and we are never going to get married..

My stupid parents and their stupid belief that they shouldn't have to pay for my wedding..

If you're old enough to get married then you should old enough to pay for it yourself.. we did.. your cousins did..

Ya.. that's nice.. and I think it is.. I would love to pay for my own wedding.. but it's impossible.. it's always going to be impossible.. and it's never going to happen anymore..

I give up..

I finally find the person that I love with all of my heart.. and am so willing to spend the rest of my life with.. and my parents don't care.. and my parents would rather find me someone else.. and my parents would rather see me not married at all.. or something..

I want to do things the right way.. get married.. then live together and have chidlren.. there's no other way to do it than that..

But there's no way it's ever going to happen.. ever..

I'm going to stay here and rot for the rest of my life..

I just want to be with him.. I just want to be able to come home to him.. finally have him next to me every night before I got to sleep and have him be the first thing I wake up to.. I just want to grow old with him.. I just want to be able to be there with our chidlren.. taking family vacations.. and all that stuff..

I'm getting old.. and I'm just going to continue getting old.. old.. old.. old..

I'm going to pass my "child-bearing years" alone and childless..

It isn't fair..

This isn't how I pictured this year to be.. I told myself "THIS IS THE YEAR.. THE YEAR WHERE IT ALL STARTS.."

This isn't that year.. again.. and it's never going to be that year.. it's never going to be anything for me..

Alll I want is to be with him.. and there are so many ways that I could.. we could just live together.. we could just elope..

But I have more respect for myself.. and for our families.. to just do that..

Yet.. the right way is leaving me all messed up..

So.. why still do the right thing???