"My heart forevermore holds still..."

Half of me has died. I just want to curl into a ball and die. I just want to disappear and no longer feel anything.

This pain is just to unbearable. I am trying to offer it up to the Lord, but I feel so abandoned right now..

Why is it the one true thing in my life that brought me spiritual strength and guidance.. is the one that took away the one person in my life that completed me?

Why did we have to make this sacrifice? Why did it have to resort to this?

I hurt.. everywhere.. I cry.. uncontrollably..

I would give anything to have him back.. to tell me that it's all going to be ok..

Why? Why? Why? Why???

Oh dear God.. why???

Why?

I don't want to go through this anymore.

I want to wake up from this awful nightmare and find everything back to the way it was before.

If we both love each other and miss each other and want to be back together.. why can't it just be that easy to say "ok.. we're back together"

Why?

Why take away the one thing in my life I was willing to go to the ends of the earth for? Why take away someone I love so deeply and so whole-heartedly and who loves me just the same? Why?

Today.. I break down..

It's whole day No. 2 since the fateful day of our separation.. we still talk.. we're both is serious pain.. the reason we split wasn't becasue of the fighting.. but something deeper than that.. the love is still there.. love..

I would give anything to have him hold me.. kiss me.. tell me everything will be ok.. that it was all a bad dream.. that we can be together.. anything.. but that.. anything but that one thing I know I can't give him..

He hurts too.. wanting the same thing.. but we know that until we find a solution.. we can't be..

I was fine yesterday..

But today.. I'm not.. today I woke up crying and haven't stopped since.. today the pain is soo deep that I don't want to do anything... today.. I feel like half of me has absolutely died.. today.. I am weak.. today.. i hurt.. today.. is worse than yesterday.. and worse than the day before..

Please God.. find a solution..

With the ups.. comes the downs..

I can't stop crying cuz I know this can't be it. But there's a feeling deep in my heart this is.. this is it.. for us.. this is the last time I'll see him.. the last time I can ever tell him I love him.. and the last time i might ever love someone enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him..

I don't want it to end.. but part of me says that this time.. it just might have to..

Love is supposed to conquer all.. why isn't it conquering this?

Is marriage and family and life-long love just something I wasn't meant to have? If that's the case.. why give me the possibilities in the first place?

I love him.. and I will always love him.. I was willing to walk thru fire.. I would have given my life if need be.. I love him that much.. he was my other half.. the one I would be spending the rest of my life with.. I would have fought for him.. but when is enough..enough..

It wasn't supposed to end this way.. we were supposed to get married.. have children.. have grandchildren.. grow old together and live happily ever after.. we both wanted that.. that is what we were aiming for.. we have enough love for that.. why can't we do it?

Why did the Lord have to give him to me.. and take him away like this.. what was the point to all this if it were going to end like this..

"People come into our lives for a reason.. bringing something we must learn.."

What have I learned? Never to fall in love.. never to let anyone in anymore.. that can't be right.. that can't be what God wanted me to get out of this..

I know the tears will eventually stop falling. I know the pain will eventually go away.. but I'm left with these scars.. deeply rooted in my heart.. and I dont know if i can ever get past that..

When you give your heart to someone.. you never expect it back..

If you're willing to do anything to make it work.. do you do so.. or just finally give up.. when love is supposed to conquer all..

Randomness never killed anyone..

Alright.. who's messin' with the weather?

Seriously.. I hate the drastic changes of the weather. It's been happening a lot lately. From being nice and sunny and warm.. to a sudden colder and cloudy day. Why? Is it global warming?

Ugh.. my hands.. dry.. cold.. icky.. this is one thing I despise about my job in the lab.. I have to wash my hands ALL THE TIME... and so I constantly have to put lotion on.. and I have invested in A LOT of lotion lately.. sigh..

The show is tomorrow.. oh boy! Can't wait.. but I hope this drastic weather change isn't going to affect my voice that much.. I kinda need to be in perfect vocal chord health..

I've been listening to my podcasts lately.. but I've been tuning them out in my ear a lot... not good.. how am I supposed to get the most out of these podcasts if I'm not really listening to them.. I'm hearing them.. but not listening.. two very different things.. sigh..

Ok.. enough randomness.. my mind is no longer here.. i'm so dead tired.. i took a nap at lunch.. but I think I still haven't fully woken up yet..

Woo hoo!

So.. there I go.. I just sold my first EBAY item. I shipped it out today and I'm rather proud of myself. I didn't get a lot out of it. I got one bid for the original auction price, but it doesn't matter because I sold it!

I'm working on another cross-stitching piece but I have been so busy with the show that I'm going to be in this Thursday. It's performance week and so we are bustin' booty trying to get it all perfected by then.. I haven't had time to work on the new cross-stitch piece.. it'll be cute. I can't wait til it's done but it's a lot more work so I'm probably going to raise the price a little bit.

I hope that the buyer is happy with what they got and will put it to good use. I didn't frame it or anything. I specified on the auction site that I was going to leave it up to the buyer to do what they wanted with it. Also.. I don't really know what to do with it after I finish it in the first place..

I was also thinking of starting to make all-twine-knotted rosaries like the ones that they talk about on the Rosary Army Podcast. I won't sell those, but I would like to participate in donating some to their site and giving some away at my church.. but with my already busy schedule.. I don't honestly think I can handle anything else...

Plus.. even tho' this is a very selfish excuse.. I will not be making any money out of it.. I think that the overall outcome of being charitable about it and just giving them away is much more rewarding.. I don't think I'm at a good place in my life to financially be comfortable like that..

But then again.. is there ever really "a good place and time"..

It's all about the trust in the Lord.. right??

Somebody's bored..

So I tried to make a video blog yesterday, but nothing I did came out nice or worthy of actually loading onto the internet. It was all just straight retarded. Sigh..

Anyway.. the show is coming up quickly. I mean.. on THURSDAY! That's nuts! My normal schedule will resume and I'll be able to go to Church at my regular time and start singing at the other Church again soon too. I'm excited. I think this show is going to be cool. I always love Broadway Revues.. they are always cool.

Alright.. random thought..
I always thought I was a drama queen.. but Justyn seriously takes the cake.. I'm just saying..

What do you do when your too human to forgive and forget?

What do you do when you want to follow Christ and emulate Him, but your humanity gets in the way?

What happens when that one person you never thought would hurt you, does?

What happens when you want to forgive, and you know you forgave, but you know you'll have a hard time forgetting?

Who's fault would it be if I can't forget? His? Mine?

Sigh.. it's just hard, I mean.. I'm disappointed in him and hurt. I'm not so much angry anymore. I've gotten over the anger. I'm just disappointed and hurt. Sometimes I wish I were just angry because anger disappates, but hurt and disappointment linger. Hurt, disappointment, and sadness take time to heal and go away. Anger is instant. I wish I were just angry.

Being sorry means that you will try your hardest to never, ever do it again. To repend and be sorry for your sins is to truly consciously not ever do it again. I want to trust that it won't, but humanity always states otherwise.

This was just a small offense. A small lie. But small lies can turn to big lies. And what else would he end up lying about?

But I'm letting this one go. I'm forgiving and I will learn to forget. It will be a journey to rebuild my trust, but the Lord will guide and provide, not only for him, but for me. The Lord will guide my heart to true forgiveness and true trust. The Lord will guide him to be truly repentant for it. And the Lord will give him the strength to not do it again.

That's the only thing I can do. Give it up and say "Jesus, I trust in You"

When life gives you obstacles..

Argh..

I have never been so stressed out at work in my life. I don't understand what is suddenly going wrong with my project. I'm frustrated, especially when i see the piles and piles of samples that need to be processed, that can't be processed because of this delay.

It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to throw the machine. I makes me want to give the responsibility to someone else to make the new positive control so that once it's fixed i can just run and run my samples without a care.

But I refuse to give up and I refuse to admit to failure. I will fix this, and I will make it better and I will be back to running samples in no time. I promise this!

Yesterday was the Confirmation Mass for the teenagers at our church. I was a beautiful ceremony and the Bishop did such a wonderful job. He was so inspirational and so touching I felt so moved.

I pray that the youth will continue to follow the Lord and will continue on with their spiritual journey and learn about the truth of our faith and the love of Jesus now and not years down the line, like me..

They are the future of our church and I pray that they will realize how important the Lord is in our lives and will find ways to enter into different ministries and follow the calling of their vocations in life to continue to strengthen their spiritual life and the church..

I'm going to be the crafting queen!

Cross Stitching.. yes..

I have entered the world of cross stitching.. I love it.. in fact that picture is a picture of the first completed cross stitch I have ever completed.. fully.. all by myself.. yes.. I am proud!

I had dabbled in to cross stitching when i was younger, but I really don't think i finished the kit that i started..

Remember when i had that plan to take over the world one doily at a time? Well.. I noticed on ebay that no one really bought a lot of crocheted stuff.. so i looked into cross stitched stuff and people are into that like CRAZY! So.. I decided to get in on that little venture..

So.. along with trying to earn money with selling those candles and home decor thru PartyLite.. which I love! I have decided to earn some extra cash by doing these little cross stitch projects and selling them on ebay. This is the first one I put up for auction... how does it look?

I put it up this afternoon after work.. and a few hours later.. IT GOT IT'S FIRST BID!!!

It's got seven days on Ebay.. and then.. let's hope that it works out and it sells for a good amount.. I'm currently working on another one right now.. and I've got two more kits after that which i am going to sell as well.. then.. if God permits.. I will take some of that money I earned and turn it around to buy more kits for myself.. and the rest will be extra saving money for the little fund justyn and i put together to help us get married..

I know it's not going to make a major impact on my finances.. but i realized how much fun and relaxing cross stitching is.. I totally love it.. tho I don't know if i'm talented enough to work outside of kits just yet.. we'll see.. hopefully..

I'll keep you posted as to what happened to my first Ebay auction!

It would only be soo easy..

It's a Wednesday night and I'm not teaching. ODD... not really..

The religious education school year is over for now. It is set to resume in October of this year. A new class... a new school year..

Why am I already thinking about it when I just finished this current year? Will I ever allow myself to just RELAX.. I don't want to stress myself out over a class I have never met before..

Breathe in..

Breathe out..

Breathe in..

Breathe out..

I'm currently working on a cross-stitching pattern of a snail. Yes. A snail....

It's a snail with a caption that says "Slow down and enjoy God's works"

Isn't that the truest thing ever! I totally need to read that.. it has to be my mantra...

I'm running out of things to blog about.. so if you have any questions or anything you think I should write about.. let me know.. i'll take suggestions.. i need the inspiration and direction.. feel free to send your thoughts and suggestions over.. please!!!

Something worth reposting..

I woke up this moring and wrote this on my myspace blog. I thought it was good enough to repost on to here.. hope ou like it!

You can make decisions in life that will always lead to comfort and safety... like running to the safety of your home whenever something doesn't go quite the way you wanted it to.. You can run and hide in the comfort of your own bed.. never to return to that place that caused you stress..

But in doing so.. you will never get to experience life. You will never get to that sense of adventure. You will never take risks.. you may never be happy.. you may never be complete..

Your other option is to get back into that car.. get back into that car with the one you know you can't live without.. and follow him anywhere... not knowing where he will lead you.. but knowing you will still be safe within that car. With him, you are still enclosed in that safety.. even though the outcome is unpredictable..

At least you'll feel complete.. at least you'll feel alive.. you won't have to hide.. and he has your hand.. he'll hold your hand.. put his arms around you when you doubt.. hold you close when you are scared.. because he does love you and won't let anything happen to you while you are in his car.. and on the adventure.. TOGETHER..

And in the back of your mind.. you will always know that you home will always be there.. no matter what adventures you have.. no matter where that car may take you.. that the home is still there to return to..

And that you can go running home.. TOGETHER..

Well.. that's it.. hope you enjoyed it.. have a great weekend!

Nothing seems to work..

Describe your feelings in one word: DISCOURAGED

Yes.. money discourages me..

There will never be enough money. I know.. money doesn't buy happiness. I know that. But I can't live my life without money. I can't get married. I can't live on my own. I can't find my own sense of independence without money.

No matter what I do, we will never have enough money. I can't do this alone. I'm the one that went out and started my lil business. I'm the one willing to put in all this extra money. Justyn just thinks it's good enough to put his fixed amount from every paycheck. Granted it's more than what I put, and I also put a fixed amount from every paycheck, but I'm always willing to put in some extra money.

He always says he will, he always plans to, but then HE NEVER DOES IT!!

What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to be encouraged by all this?

I'm depressed. I'm discouraged. I'm not happy.

There isn't enough..

There is never enough time in the day to get EVERYTHING done. I really admire the people that can manage their time effectively. I feel like if I do that, I will literally have no time to do anything fun or leisurely.

If I give myself something to do ALL THE TIME.. I will never have time to sit and admire the world around me.. I will never have time to feel the comfort of being in Justyn's arms.. I will never have the time to grab a cup of coffee and take advantage of the companionship I share with my friends..

But I feel like I rush through things just to feel like I have some sort of "free time"

I feel like I do so much..

Yet I feel like I don't do enough..

I'm sure everyone has felt that way..

However.. now that I have relaxed on my "candle business" outlook.. a little of the load has been lifted.. but I still feel like I want to do so much for that thing. I pray to the Lord all the time that He knows what's best to make the most of this small business experience.

I know He won't let me fail.

I just feel like I have so many things to offer.. I want to do so many things.. but there just isn't enough time..

I want to get married and start a family.. but do I even have time for that?? I don't want to overwork and realize when I'm older that I totally missed my chance..

I pray to God that doesn't happen to us..

Hey.. hey.. hey!

I think that I need a vacation. I am totally feeling the effects of "burn-out." I'm feeling them especially here at work. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE what I do here. I LOVE MY JOB!

Working in a bacteriology lab is a total dream come true! It's just that, I'm tired. I haven't had a proper vacation since.. gosh.. August of 2005?!?!

The only extra days off I would get are those little three day weekends that we get due to observed holidays.

I definitely need a vacation. I don't even mind just staying at home for a week. Sigh.. oh well.. I think that I will take a couple of days off soon. I need it. I really need it.

I need to refresh myself. Or I just might start going crazy.. crazier than I already am..

Getty Center.. a little taste..

Went to the J. Paul Getty Musuem in Los Angeles. I LOVE THIS PLACE!

This is just one of the paintings we took a picture of when we were there. We didn't take a whole bunch because a lot of the areas restricted the use of cameras, or the flash wasn't allowed and my camera wasn't able to take a good picture. But over the course of a few blog entries.. I will be sharing some of the great memories and pictures Justyn and I took at the Getty.

We both sparked an interest in photography.. he's had one for awhile.. and I recently found my "photography bug".. so we took a lot of photos of places.. and especially the gardens..

It's late and I should go to bed.. but I was so excited.. I wanted to start sharing!!!

Happy Mothers Day to all the mommies and grandmommies and soon-to-be mommies!!!

Haywire..

Ok.. so a little update on my lil blooming business..

What started off as Justyn's little book party has ended up being MY little book party. He didn't do as well as we anticipated, and I ended up with more people buying from me, so we thought it would be best to just give ME the party and he could try again next month and actually host a party at his house. Sounds good to me!

That's it. I didn't really earn much from that party in the first place. I mean, the party qualifies.. meaning it made more than $250 and i got one booking out of it. So.. I'm not a total loser.

I also figure that it is MY business. I am an INDEPENDENT consultant. I know I have certain goals and expectations to rise to from the person that took me on. However, I'm a busy person, and even though I would love to apply myself in that manner, it is logistically impossible right now.

I am doing the best I can and I will continue to do the best I can.. no matter what. I will set MY own goals.. and I will work to MY capacity. I have enough stress in my life. I really don't need to add any more..

The Lord will guide me in the direction he wants this business to take..

S..l..o..w..l..y..

Can this week go by any slower?

It's a countdown until the end of this year's CCD class. Today is the last day of me actually teaching them something from the book. Lo and behold I'm so proud that we actually got to finish the whole book. I think that last year, I was a chapter or two short from finishing. This year I was able to squeeze in every chapter in the book.. whoo hoo!

Next week is the official last day. It's party day! I will be passing out the completion certificates and these little foam art religious banners that I made for them.

I will have the whole summer to myself after this.. sigh.. that's going to be interesting.. I don't know what I'm going to do.. probably ACT and I don't know if I'll get to do ACT 2. I don't want to miss out on singing at the other church.

I will spend the summer working on my partylite business. I hope it picks up. I'm feeling very discouraged about it all lately. I hope that these next few months give me reason to feel like I did the right thing in taking this on.

Oh.. I hope.. I hope..

I have a headache.

Today is Tuesday. I am sitting in front of the computer. I have a headache.

I don't know what it is. I just have a headache. I hope it goes away because it's getting hard to concentrate on the task at hand. I'm trying to make a spreadsheet for some of my research here at work. I need to just not think about this headache.

I had crazy choreography rehearsal for our ACT and ACT 2 shows that are going to be playing in June. It's exciting but it's made me realize how out of shape I truly am. I need to do a lot more cardio exercises. I can't handle all the movement.. PLUS the singing..

I have to really get back into shape. I feel so old!

I'm sure that the more rehearsal we do, the more I'll get used to it. In the meantime, I really need to do some running, or jogging, or dancing. I have those exercise "salsa dancing" dvds.. I should start working on those too..

Sigh..

Praise the Lord!!!

Today, the very first CCD class I have ever taught in my life had recieved the sacrament of Eucharist for the first time. Yes, my kids had their first Holy Communion today.

I was so proud. I was so happy to see my class go up there and receive the Eucharist. I never thought that I would have gotten as emotional as I did. But when I saw them process into the church.. the girls in their beautiful white dresses.. the boys in their sharp little suits.. I couldn't help but get teary eyed.

I watched their progress from the beginning.. taught them so many things that I hope they will remember in the long run... helped tend the seed of faith that parents planted in them on the day of their baptism..

I am soo proud..

These children were so blessed and I feel so blessed to share that moment with them..

It really makes those months of struggle and constant prayers for help with the class really worth it.. because it is really a blessing to have each of them complete these sacraments...

It made me realize that i really do love being a CCD teacher.. I really do!