Last day of November... already?!?!

Today is the last day of November.. that means that tomorrow is DECEMBER!!! Holy guacamole, batman! How'd this happen? Where did all the time go?! I mean.. seriously.. it was barely September the last time I checked.. now.. its December?! OMG!!! That is insane!

That means next year is 2006.. i'm going to turn 26!!! Dread! Agony! Not another year!

I swear.. i always seem to remember that pact I made with myself.. if i am not satisfied with my life by the time i turn 30.. i was going to kill myself.. i was literally going to kill myself if i didn't like where my life was going at 30..

Turning 30 is NOT as far as I think it is.. my 20's are flying by really fast..

What do i do?!?!?!

Kiss me.. it's beginning to snow...

Sigh.. so my stomach decided to go rebellious on me and try to upchuck all the food.. or lack thereof.. that i have eaten. Thank God that all i had in my stomach was tea and tomato soup. Man.. that would have been one interesting pile of vomit.. it'd look like i have hepititis or something.. like i was throwing up blood..

That was a visual i wish i hadn't said..

Ok.. anyway.. i have been in and out of the lab and i wish i could have left.. but i can't.. i have soo much stuff to do.. and i can't take a day off cuz i'm not feeling THAT bad.. i'm saving it for a day that i'm practically on my deathbed! I'm not quite there yet.. so i'm not going to miss out on work.

I need a nice LONG vacation. I hate that i don't have school anymore cuz I don't get three month long summer breaks.. or two week winter breaks.. and a week long spring break. Those things don't exist for me anymore.. well.. unless i became a school teacher.. in that case.. then i'll have those summer breaks and whatnot.. but i don't.. so i can't.. so i'm here.. at work.. all the friggin' time..

I think i'm just getting bored with my surroundings too.. i've been here for over two years now.. and it's time i started re-decorating or something.. this look i'm seeing day in and day out.. is getting old for me.. it's time for a change!

To blog.. or not to blog.. is that really a question?!?!?!

AHHH! I'm in love with "The Notebook"... I sooo wanna read the book now.. i want to know if the book is just as good as the movie.. Nicholas Sparks books are usually really good. When I read "A Walk To Remember" man.. that was awesome.. just as good as the movie.. and i know i've read two more of his other books.. but i don't think i'd mind reading them again..

I want to read so many books. I returned the two books "1984" and "East of Eden" today to booksfree.com.. i don't know what books i am going to get next.. but i know it's going to be awhile. But I am going to try to make more time to read. Even if it means quiet reading time.. just justyn and i.. someplace peaceful.. just reading books..

Oooh.. i kinda like that idea.. just going down to the local library.. or starbucks.. or something..with a good book in each of our hands.. sitting on a couch.. and just reading... hell.. we can even do that at his house... just kinda sit there and read.. i actually think that's kinda romantic.. but that's just me.. sucker for simplicity..

I want to read more.. i really do.. and i wish i had more time on my hands.. so i think i'm going to try to make more.. so i need a book to read while waiting on my booksfree.com books.. hmm... i have "siddhartha" at home.. i'll try that one!

We're not gonna pay rent...

I'm going to see RENT today. Justyn is supposed to come over at noon-ish.. and it's almost 11.. so i should be getting ready.. but i'm still lying in bed.. with the intention to blog in all my sites befoer i get up.. that might not happen but it's ok.. i'm trying..

"A" for effort!

I'm starting to suffer from allergies.. my nose is itchy and one nostril is plugged up.. and yesterday my seasonal allergies came out in rash form.. today.. in nose form..

I hate allergies.. as much as i hate Mondays!!!

This isn't going to be a long entry.. i don't really know what to write about.. there isn't much going through my mind right now.. which is wierd cuz there is usually a million things running through my mind.. but nope.. not today.. just one thing on my mind today..

RENT

Yup and the fact that i'm going to see it today.. very excited!!!

Tomorrow we gobble gobble...

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.. the holiday I have learned to dread. I used to love this holiday. It used to be ranked as one of my most favorite holidays ever. I mean.. you can eat all the food you want.. and all the sweets.. and just gorge on all that is good.

That was when I had the metabolism of a five year old and was able to eat anything and everything and not worry about weight gain and inch gain and fitting into my size 5 jeans that I bought for $50-$70 a pair!

I am finally able to fit into thost size 3 suckers I bought about five years ago.. and why would I waste that on gorging all day on turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and pies up the wah-zoo!?! Um.. no thank you.. i'll pass.. i'd rather fit into those gawd awful size 3 jeans that I bought. i wish that they were cuter.. cuz now.. i look at them.. and think to myself.. what the hell was I thinking when I bought those.. I guess it was trendy back then.. it sure as hell isn't trendy now!!!!

Ya... so to all my avid readers... hee hee..

HAPPY GOBBLE GOBBLE DAY!!



Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm terrified and mistrusting..

Listening to Alanis Morrisette's "Everything".. it's playing on my iTunes because my iPod is in my other purse.. boo!

I'm exhausted and I'm so glad that this week is a short week. You really have no idea.. I have been through so much this past week and I thought I was over it.. but no.. it's left me slightly fractured.. I'm recovering.. but i don't know.. it's brought me back to that place I thought I left a while ago.. you know.. that place that I had to really make a conscious effort to leave... and hopefully not return to...

I feel like i'm going back.. and i'm making the conscious effort to stay away.. but i've already got my foot in the door and i'm it's pulling me in.. i'm using all my strenght to not get sucked in.. but i'm starting to get tired.. I know i can get through this.. i'm stronger than i was the first time i went there.. and i know i can overcome this.. it's not bothering me so much..

It's just leaving me really lonely.. i feel really lonely.. I don't like being alone..

A lot of this may have something to do with my monthly too.. i tend to get hormonal during this time of the month.. so i'm hoping it will pass once this time passes..

One can only pray...

Be my lover.. i'll cover you..

So.. have you ever felt the need to just slit your wrist just to watch it bleed???

Is it just me? Oh.. my bad..

I dont' know.. I slipped so damn far last week.. I used to be able to not think those things anymore.. I don't know what happened.. it has all come flooding back.. and i'm trying to stop myself.. but this sudden lonliness has swept all over me again.. and it's this dark cloud over my head.. this funky feeling of depression..

But it's like.. i know i'm fighting it.. cuz it's not totally all there llike it used to be.. and i'm going to keep trying to fight this.. cuz i don't want to end up back where i was again.. i don't want to be depressed.. i don't want to be on the verge of hurting myself again.. i don't want him to worry about my mental well-being anymore..

I thought I got over this.. I'm not going to get anymore than this.. I can't.. I can't let it get as bad as it did before..

I thought I'd never get out of that.. and I did.. so why is it comeing back?

What happened in that fight.. or in that issue with mother.. that brought it back.. that's bringing it back..

I need to be stronger than this.. i really do.. i need to over come this.. i really do.. i cna't keep living like this.. i really can't.. i have to be better than this.. i really do.,

I don't know why this is happeneing.. i really don't.. i just want it to go away.. i want it to go away and never come back..

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes..

Countdown to RENT.. oh yes.. this is gonna be great!

I'm starting myself.. getting "into the zone"

My CD player in my car is all RENT.. all the time!

Yes!

I just feel like typing.. about nothiing in particular..

So Im feeling all bent outta shape. So I'm just going to type about nothing really important. Not that what i type is so profoundly important. But there is usually some sense and direction to it. No.. not today!

Today is not going to make sense until i say it does. I am going to keep rambling. It gets my mind of the fact that I'm feeling really lonely today. It gets my mind off the fact that I am kinda hungry.

I don't want to eat. Food makes people get fat.

I want to go home and get warm. It's cold in this buidling. It's cold in my office. i want to go under my covers and sleep for the rest of my life. Just live in my little dream world. Not that my dream world is any different than the real world. But in my dream world.. i get much more sleep cuz there are more hours in the day to get lots of stuff done.

One down.. one to go... do you think i'll finish the one that i recieved today?! We'll see.. it's only 10am. Anything is possible.

Dude.. I can't sleep..

It's 9:15pm.. I have nothing to do.. so i should just go to bed.. but i can't.. i can't sleep cuz i have a lot on my mind..

I need to get away from things. I need a vacation. I can't wait until Dec. 10th. I'll be able to have a good time with friends. I'll be able to let loose with friends and justyn. I'll be able to have fun and forget the world just for that whole day. I can't wait. I really can't wait. I hope nothing happens between now and then to stop that event from happening.

I'm kinda scared because he isn't going to call me tonight. Something might happen that will make him change his mind about me. Something might happen that will make him leave me.

If it does happen.. i guess I deserve it. But I don't want it to happen..

We'll see what happens tomorrow..

Work.. work.. work..

This will never end.. the work.. will never end.. if i'm not career-working.. i'm relationship-working.. if i'm not relationship-working.. i'm family-working.. if i'm not family-working.. and hobby-working..

The work just never quits.. never ends.. ever ever ever..

Even if i were to eventually become a housewife.. and a mommy.. that has to be the hardest work yet! No rest.. no weekends.. no vacations.. constant work.. constant never ending work.. work work work.. and what's worse is that you get NO PAY!

On the upside.. my hair is extra cute today.. it's that messy kinda choppy layered look.. awww.. total rawk star.. oh ya!

Take that!

Can I really be that efficient as to blog in all my sites before noon?! After this entry.. i have one in blurty and i'm complete.

It's not like I really have anything to say. I seem to just be filling up space.

I do have one concern. I burnt the inside of my mouth fairly well. The roof of my mouth is just one big series of blisters and open blisters and owies..

It's cuz of this..

So I had to rush to buy the pizza and go home to drop it off so that i can go and bring my mom some overnight stuff.. so that pizza literally came outta the oven and was handed to me.. i should know.. cuz i watched it come out of the oven and into the box.. all with my four eyes..

So.. to be more efficient.. i decide to eat my share of the pizza in the car on the way to the house.. ya.. hot pizza.. hot pizza in my hand.. and hot pizza in my mouth.. yowzer!

It hurt like the dickens but i kept eating..

Now.. drinking my morning coffee was a painful experience.. i run my tongue on the roof of my mouth to discover more areas of burned mouth..

Ya.. not pleasant.. and now i must move on to blurty..

This I wish.. I aspire to be..

Sometimes.. no.. maybe all the time.. I wish I was a better writer. I wish I was more creative so that my blogs would be a better read. I mean.. I sit here.. reading everyone and their mother's blogs.. and I think to myself.. sheesh... these people write a hell of a lot more betterererereer than I do..

I also wish I was a better photographer. i wish I coudl take the cool pictures my brother takes.. and I wish I could edit them better too. I know how to use Photoshop.. but I don't know how to make them all cool and introspective and whatnot.. I just don't feel as creative as others in that department..

I think that when it comes to photography and writing.. my scientific mind tends to take over.. and where blurred lines and curves shoudl be.. my mind fills that in wiht straight and clearcut.. curse my scientific background!

Aye!

So.. I have to go to work early tomorrow. I'm waking up at a certain time.. and when I finish getting ready and leave.. and whatever time I get to work.. i don't care.. I know i'm waking up earlier than I usually do.. so it's ok.. whatever.. i'll get to work when i get there.. grr...

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow at some new doctors.. not Kaiser! Yes.. I'm not at Kaiser anymore. I have lost all my Kaiser family employee benfits.. I am on my own medically.. I no longer get the special "family" treatment because I am a Kaiser employee's daughter. I have to deal with my own insurance at my own hospital with my own doctor..

Scared? Well.. I am a llittle. I have been so used to the whole Kaiser lifestyle.. i never really thought I had to leave it eventually.. i alwasy thought that i'd be a kaiser kid for the rest of my lfie..that isn't so.. and i didn't think about it until now..

When I'm finally truly gone.. and i finally have to go to a different doctor..

This may seem quite trivial for a lot of you.. but this is a big step toward my "leaving the nest" type thing..

I'm a sucker for senimentality.. can't ya tell??

So.. what is it to you?!?!

I am still at work.. it's noon... on a Friday.. a holiday! It's Veteran's Day.. c'mon.. i should be able to go home.. or i should be able to take the day off in the first place.. everyone else is at home.. they have the day off or they don't have school.. why the hell am i here.. suck.. suck.. suck!

Well.. it's Friday..

We should not be allowed to work on Fridays and on Mondays.. Monday's are the WORST!!! I absolutely hate mondays.. there is just something about them.. it' slike i haven't recovered from Sunday.. don't let me get serious on a Monday..

I don't know why I'm talking about this.. maybe cuz i have this urge to just go home.. screw everything else.. just let me go home.. dang it!

It's been a rough emotional few days.. let me have a break.. i jsut wanna go home and take a lil nap.. do you think that's possible? I hope so.. I want to be able to take a nap before Justyn comes over.. I need rest..

I need sleep.

Why do i feel like crap today?

Let's count the reasons shall we...

1. It's rainy and gross
2. Justyn and I had a fight last night
3. The commute to work sucks.
4. The commute home will suck.
5. I feel fat.
6. It's rainy and gross.

Ya.. well.. there ya go.. the reason's why i feel like crap.

There were bells..

I've got that song in my head.. "Til there was you"...

I don't know why.. I also have the Sex and The City theme song stuck in my head too.. it's like a remix..

Sigh..

This is one of those icky gloomy days that i hate.. it's raining but not really.. but it really wants to.. and it sucks.. the sky is dark.. and the ground is wet.. not happy... not happy at all

Give me back summer.. give me back the sun.. c'mon.. sheesh!

I think I can go to bed now..

It's time to go to sleep. It's time for me to just relax and sleep. I have my teaching day tomorrow and I need rest. But for some strange.. odd.. reason.. My eyes are sleepy but my mind is awake with thoughts. These thoughts aren't important and significant... but they have the need to be blogged about.

It's raining tomorrow.. great.. i hate the rain.. i hate walking in the rain.. i hate driving in the rain..

Now I feel bad because it might rain in the morning and justyn works in the morning and that will mean he 'll have to walk around in the rain..

He likes walking in the rain. In fact.. he loves the rain.. but he's sick.. is it really a good idea for him to be meandering about in the rain?! I think not..

OMG! It is flippin freezing in my bedroom.. and flippin' freezing in my bed. Even under my covers I feel colder than out of my covers. I think it's because my comforter and bed are freezing.. and i'm surrounding myself in this freezing stuff.. hypothermia.. to the max!!!!

I want a hot cocoa.. grr..

Corner Bakery Obsession..

It's official.. i'm obsessed with the Corner Bakery Cafe. I just had them for lunch.. OMG! Yummy!

It's not like I am loading up on burgers and fries.. thank god.. i got the California Grille with a side order of Cheddar Brocolli soup.

Now.. I like the Corner Bakery in Rancho much better because the California Grille there is actually filled with veggies.. this one that i had just eaten.. well.. it was a lot of cheese.. but at least it wasn't as greasy as it used to be.. so i'm gonna not eat dinner tonight..

I need to start going to yoga.. right away.. i need to get back into the habit.. so i'll start tomorrow.. if justyn's still sick then i guess it's gonna have to wait unitl thursdya cuz i promised him that i'd go see him if he were still sick.. but still.. i really need to go to yoga.. so i need to go this weekend.. no ifs ands or buts about it.. i need it sooo bad.. so so so so bad..

I am terrified taht I'm starting to let myself get fat again.. cuz i ate food all weekend. And then I had lunch today. I must NOT have dinner tonight. I really shouldn't.. I better stop myself. I really should.

Grr... food is so frustrating!

Ha.. blogs.. how funny...

Blogs are funny. They have officially entered the land of Law & Order.. hahaha.. blogs..

That's interesting.. because if I ever end up missing or whatever.. then.. I can be found out about in my blogs.. all million of them.. hahahaha.. cuz I can.. cuz i have so many..

Well.. I'm sitting here.. watching this Law & Order movie show or whatever.. and this kid is annoying the crap outta me.. the mark of a great actor.. the ability to bug the crap outta me.. seriously..

On another note.. I am having a major allergy attack.. the itchy rashy kinda allergy attack.. one of those I get.. and i don't know what's worse.. the stuffy/runny nose allergy attack.. or these itchy ones.. I hate both of them.. cuz i shouldn't be getting these kinda allergy attacks.. it's totally retarded..

Yes.. so if anyone wants to know about me.. i get allergies.. the end!

Yawn... i'm about to fall asleep..

It's only 12:35? You mean to tell me I still have another three hours to go before my weekend starts? Waht kind of madness is this? I should have brought more movies with me to day. I watched one. But I should have brought more. i could have finished watching that entire collection today.

I am so wanting to just go home right now.. but i know i can't cuz my boss says he is planning on giving us a call at 3pm when he arrives where he's supposed to be at. To think.. I was supposed to be there too. Good thing i'm not. I dont really want to travel unless it's with friends and family. Business traveling just seems so lonely.

I'm totally ready for the weekend to start.

Last week, I met up with some friends. That was fun. This year we are going to try to schedule a christmas party. Good times and we all swore that we would see much more of each other now. It's good to know that I have friends like that. My girlfriend and I need to plan a trip to visit another girlfriend of ours down in san diego. Hopefully next year things work out. I want it to be fore veryone to go down there and pay her a visit. She's planning on buying a house down there and a housewaming party is definitely a must. Maybe we'll take a weekend out there.. starting friday so that we can help her out..

That would be fun.. i can't wait.

Finally feeling like a grown up that can go out and do stuff.. let's just see if it actually happens..

What's wrong with my equilibrium..

I think there is something wrong with my equilibrium.. but it could also be attributed to the fact that I may be dehydrated.. so Justyn's new assignment.. make sure i am hydrated..

Ha.. no not really.. i'm not going to put this all on justyn's shoulders.. my body is my issue and if i want to rehydrate myself.. then that's up to me.. i can't leave it up to anyone else to do for me.. that would defeat the purpose of my wanting to be independent and adult..

I feel kinda gross... my head is kinda not all here.. I'm kinda swimmy.. but i'm not going to let it get in the way of our Saturday plans..

Right God?

Yawn..

So i'm going to type this out with my eyes closed.. i tend to do this when i'm sleepy.. well.. when my eyes are sleepy but my mind and the rest of my body are wide awake..

I just want to put in an entry before i went to bed.. before the day is finally over. I wonder how many typos i have put in here already.. i literally have my eyes shut and i am not looking into the computer screen.. i guess that makes me talented.. but i know that there are probably many people than me that can do the same thing and type about fifty miles fiaster than me.. with no mistakes.. sheesh..

I envy them..

Neglected to be bloggy...

There has just been so much going on in my life.. i've negelected to be bloggy..

Work has just been super hectic. I can't keep up. Everything seems to be piling up and it's gettting hard to keep it all up too date..

Sheesh.. and I started this thing at noon.. it's about 2:15 right now.. and i bet i won't finish til 2:30.. hmm.. sad.. but true..

Spending the rest of the work day color the bottoms of the plate wells.. green.. yes.. that's right.. me.. the one with the bachelor's degree in biotechnoloy.. emphasizing on microbiology and pathology.. with a minor in chemistry.. coloring the bottom of wells green..

Yes.. that is the life of a college graduate..

Justyn and I are doing ok. There is a lot we have to get over. A lot has happened over the past two weeks, but we have survived to our 13th month anniversary. Well.. tomorrow we will have survived to our 13th month anniversary. We know that no matter what we have been going through for these past few weeks, that the love we feel is still there and is still strong. I'm beginning to be a firm believer in love conquering all. Especially with us.. there have been many times that most couples would have just given up. Maybe we're stupid.. maybe we know something they dont.. maybe we just have so much love between us that we can't see it going to waste.. and maybe.. everything is going to work out.. and i will get my "happily ever after" in the end..

Life isn't a fairy tale.. it never was.. and I don't think it ever will be.. life is work.. and it's not always easy.. but if you have someone next to you working just as hard.. then.. it doesn't seem so bad after all..

I know God knows what he's doing with me.. and with us.. i trust that God will do what's best..