ARgh!

Ya.. I'm 26 years old. I think I'm old enough to make my own decisions.

Does he make me happy? Yes.

Does he treat me well? Yes.

Does he hurt me or abuse me? No.

Then why can't my parents be happy for me? I know the relationship isn't perfect... but who's relationship is? It's not like we fight all the time.. or disagree all the time.. or are conflicting all the time.. he and I get along very well.. so what's their problem?

I'm just so tired of them trying to butt in when they refuse to see the good things he does for me... they refuse to see anything he does for me.. the refuse him completely..

At least they are talking.. that's all that matters.. they are civil.. at last.. but still..

I'm never going to get that "one, huge, happy family.. complete with parents and in-laws.."

Not that it really happens.. it's just.. I wanted everyone to get along to make my life a lot easier.. but since when has my life been easy???

"End of the year" syndrome..

Ya.. I can see myself with it. And yes.. I do suffer from it on my birthday too.

I mean.. I'm past my mid-twenties.. and tho a lot of people may tell me to that I really don't know what I'm talking about.. that being in my twenties is still very young.. that I have my whole life ahead of me.. that the thirties are the new twenties.. I just don't feel like that.

I feel my life is wasting away.

I really do. It's sad. But true. I should be at least living on my own. Or at least making enough money to do so. Not this. I shouldn't be working a job I love.. for peanuts.

Which leads to the proverbial question...

Should you accept a job you love that hardly makes money.. or settle for a high paying job that you don't think you'll like very much????

That's the situation I'm in.. and I honestly don't know what to do..

Restless...

It's that time of year that I get restless. I get restless about my career. I get restless about my life. I get restless about where my life is going.

I hate what this time of year does to me. It's because the end of the year is coming up faster and faster. And every year I feel like I'm being left behind. I dont' like it.

For once, I would like to end the year on a happy and much satisfied note. But it hasn't been that way in a long time. Is there something wrong with me?!

Headaches and desperation..

I'm desperate. I don't want to work and my body is in "whine-and-shutdown" mode. Seriously!

I just want to go on strike and not work and just chill. But then, I couldn't pay my bills, which I need to do when I get home today. And I wouldn't be able to make a living at all. My after-work life would consist of another job. Aye!

I think I'm going to be sick. I think I'm already sick. It's just one of those normal cough and cold sicks. I think I really have a problem. I mean, I'm sleepy ALL THE TIME! No matter how much sleep I get, I'm still sleepy. What can I do to actually feel rested?!

Its not like I'm not sleeping well at night. I sleep very well. I would just rather nap, all the time!

I can't finish that oatmeal mush. It's gross.

Sigh.

YAWN..

Sheesh.

I'm getting sleepy. But.. I'm not comfortable. I have a little crick in my back and neck. What I wouldn't give for a nice full body massage at a spa. Or.. Justyn doing it.

I just need a good relaxing thing.

Sigh.

I'm tense.

Someone please relax me!

The pumpkin pie never ends..

If you sum up the amount of pumpkin pie I have had all weekend, so far.. I think it would total up to about a pie and a half. Now. I love pumkin pie. Obviously.

I feel like I have gained fifty pounds this weekend. The obvious thing to do is to cut down on food starting on Monday. That means small lunches and activia and granola for dinner. That's it. I gotta cut down or the weight gain will absolutely drive me crazy. I hate it.


I wanna still be happy with what I look like. I do think I've got a little bit of an eating disorder in me.. but if i didn't.. I'd probably be as big as a farkin' house! And that's not good. I've seen what I look like when I don't pay attention to what I eat. I hated it. My clothes always looked too tight and I had a stomach that no one would wanna look at.

Food has always been my weakness. I hate food.. tho' it tastes so good.

Must.. not.. gain.. any.. more.. weight.. this.. holiday.. season..

Absolute madness...

This is crazy.

I went to bed at almost 2am and they expect me to be up this early?

No.

I'm exhausted in so many levels and they expect me to be up this early?

Are they crazy?!

Anyway. I had a dream about the Backstreet Boys and being able to talk to them and stuff. Good turkey induced dream.

I could barely get my eyes opened and my mothers all yelling about me waking up and all the stuff we have to do. MADNESS!!!

I'm stressed out. Can't I stay in bed longer? It's a holiday weekend.. let me sleep in more!!!

Stupid "black friday"

Ok.. so i'm in beta..

I just switched from old blogger to beta blogger.. I don't know if the switch is a good or a bad thing yet.. but I guess we'll see eventually..

It's Thanksgiving Day.. I'm sure everyone has eaten their yummy thanksgiving dinners.. I haven't yet.. I'm waiting for my dad to get home so we can go to my aunts house and have our thanksgivng dinner then..

I guess it's better than what we used to do.. going down to the hometown buffet and eating dinner there..

But.. I stil don't see what's so wrong about that old tradition.. i mean.. it's all you can eat.. and no plates to clean up.. and we have a good time regardless..

So.. ya..

Anyway.. enjoy the turkey.. turducken.. or tofurkey.. what ever you're preference maybe .. and i'll see next time in the blogger world!

Now it's time to say goodbye..

I'm bummed. I get bummed a lot easily. I think it really has something to do with the season. I hadn't realized that the holidays would affect my emotional state. It never used to do that before. But I haven't felt this down all year. I don't know what it is.

But I'm bummed.

I don't want to be bummed anymore.

There is no reason to be bummed. I've got great friends..



There's no reason to be so bummed out. We all go places and we all have good times.. but I still feel so stagnant in my life. I feel like i"m not going anywhere. I feel like I'll be stuck in this chapter of my life forever. And that's not good. I want to be able to feel like i"m actually going somewhere in my life. That i'm not stuck in this rut forever.. I know I won't be.. but when will I actually get to movin' and shakin'??



My friend Joanna took this picture of Justyn and I on the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland. I used to consider that ride the most perfect "make-out" ride in high school. I'd go to Disneyland with my boyfriend we'd go on that ride over and over again.. just to make out. We're in our own separate cars.. perfect for those private "making out" moments. I honestly didn't know what was really on that ride until I started dating Justyn.

Does that make me bad? Or does that just make me a hormone-driven teenager?? I think it makes me the latter.

Tomorrow's turkey day.. are you prepared???

The best things in life are FREE!!

Like.. Starbucks gift cards!!


I got mine for free because I do those things that if you complete offers or read their emails you get points.. and then those points add up and you can get something.. I never thought it was true but i decided to redeem it anyway.. lo and behold.. $10 gift card to Starbucks!! Yummy!

Anyway.. I guess I'm feeling a little better.. I'm getting over the cold.. and I guess I'm not as depressed as I was yesterday.. voicing it out.. er.. blogging it out really relived some of the depression.. it's not all the way gone yet.. but it's making it livable..

Thank God for blogging..

Well.. it's off to work now for me.. maybe I'll get a chance to come back and blog later at work.. hopefully I'll be too busy.. cuz being busy makes the day go faster..

Oh.. I hope! I hope!

Come to my window..

Down.. down.. down..

The hole has been dug.. and I am sitting in it..

Underneath me.. the ground continues to lower.. sending me farther.. down.. down.. down..

I sit at the bottom.. I have no will to climb.. no will to fight the downward path..

I just sit.. and watch myself go deeper.. deeper.. down.. down..

Until there is nothing I can do.. and I am stuck..

This is what depression feels like.. this is where I am right now..

The stress gets too much to handle.

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to accomplish all the things that I want done in life. It kills me to think that there is so much I could be doing, but I'm not. I'm not blaming anyone because it's not really anyone's fault but my own. Sometimes I just want to let it all go and start my life all over again. Leave everything I have behind here and see how I do elsewhere.

But I'm not brave enough. And there are way too many people I would miss in this current world of mine. I cant live without the people in my life. Yet, there are times I think I can live without them.

I dont' know but it makes me feel very worthless at times..

I feel like I"m ready for an independent life. I feel like I'm ready for a life on my own. A complete adult life, complete with my own place and my own family.

I have my bachelors degree and my job.. but it still doesn't pay enough.. especially in California.. it doesn't pay enough.. i'd have to get another job if i really wanted to live comfortably on my own..

If i had two jobs.. how could i enjoy the comforts of my own place.. i'd be at work all the time..

I just wish things would just work out.. I dont' want to feel like a child anymore..

I don't want to feel like I'm not worth being an adult.. being someones wife.. being someones mother..

I'm 26.. I still live at home cuz i cna't afford to be on my own.. and we can't afford to be married and have a family of our own..

Does that mean I'm just not worthy of all those things that I really want out of life???

Wah.. wah.. wah..

Under the weather.

Why is it called "under the weather"?

Aren't we all under the weather?

Am I being annoyingly over-analytical?!

I'm sick.. leave me alone! Haha.. just kidding..

I'm kidding about the "leave me alone" part.. not the "i'm sick" part.

I dont know if I have a fever. I'm warm to the touch, and I have chills. But that could be because it's freezing in the lab and for lunch I had a nice warm cup of starbucks coffee.

All I know is I'm tired, and I feel very congested. But I can breathe through my nose, meaning I'm not as congested as I feel. It's mainly my sinuses that feel all stuffed up.

Wah.. wah.. wah.. complain.. complain.. complain..

It's Friday. I should be happy. But I don't get to sleep in tomorrow. Church meetings really kill the art of "sleeping in" on a Satruday morning. Sigh..

Complain.. complain.. whine.. whine.. wah.. wah..

There's a world inside my head.
Unknown to everyone.
There's a world inside my head.
Where everything goes my way.

In the world inside my head
I have laughter, I have love
In the world inside my head
No one ever makes me cry.

How I long to make the real world
More like the one inside my mind.
How I long to find the peace
That I find inside my mind.

There's a world inside my head
Wanting to escape the walls of my mind
There's a world inside my head
With the happiness I can't find..

Ya.. I know.. that one kinda sucks.

It's alright though. I don't mind. I never claimed to be a prize winning poet. I don't even know if what I write is even considered poetry. Anyway. I thought I'd be able to load the pictures from my friends and mines trip to Disneyland, but I realized that I'm going again very soon so I should just wait til then.

I'm such a procrastinator!!!

Oh well.. at least if i do it that way, i'll just load everything all at once.. and i don't have to go back and do it again.. duh!

Save the world..

In college.. I wanted to save the world. I wanted to become this all-knowing scientist that could find the cure for anything and everything. I wanted to be a genetic engineer. I wanted to be a pharmacist. I wanted to be chemist. I wanted to be an enviromental biologist. I wanted to save the world with the science.

Toward the end of my college career, I figured that I couldn't save the world. The sciences that could, were too hard.. or too time consuming. Another need and want was taking over my life. That need was to be a mother. That need was to find a lifelong companion. I wanted a family. I wanted to settle down. Science could wait. I wanted a family.

Now, at 26. I have the science. I have the lifelong companion (or so I hope, if God permits). I just need the family. And.. at 26.. maybe sooner.. i also found out that I have God. And that's a battle in itself but it's working out.

I may not be able to save the world like I had initially wanted, so.. I've decided to start small. St. Therese had said it was the little things that we do that can show the world of God's love. And that's what I do.. or at least trying to do.

And.. in my own little way.. I am saving the world..

Let's make this last..

I close my eyes
Your arms around me.
Through the darkness of my mind,
Light I still see.

The warmth of your breath
Surrounds and soothes me.
Tears now run dry
My fears are set free.

Your heartbeat's steady
My heart matches yours
I melt into you slowly
Two bodies... one soul..

I had started this on another blog site.. my journalspace site.. and i thought it was too good to pass up and so i had to put it here.. not that i think it's good.. i just think it's worthy of a read..

A possible theory on my life..

I really want to believe that the Lord is putting Justyn and I through all these trials in life so that when He finally gives us all the blessings that we deserve, we will know how to fully appreciate them as blessings from God.

Sometimes people get so successful that they forget that God had blessed them to get there. Yes, it's a lot of hard work and perserverance, but without God's help, all of that meant nothing. And some people don't even thank God when they get there.

I guess He doesn't want that happening to us. He wants us to fully appreciate all the blessings that He will give us. And by giving us these hardships and obstacles, it is only then when we can appreciate the future.

I hope.

I really want to believe that. I really want to think that is the reason we go through lifes ups and downs. I do. I wish I could fully believe that with all my heart.

It's about having complete faith that God will eventually give us those blessings. It's about giving up all the burdens to God, knowing that good times are just beyond the horizon.

But there are times when we are discouraged, and at our lowest. There are times when we feel like those good times will never come and that we are perpetually punished by God. I know it's not true but it doesn't take away from feeling it.

The road to complete faith is truly the roughest road of all..

Well.. wasn't that a bunch of fun?!

I did Dr. Johns blog today.. I got to six categories.. does it count if you finish a category that you are actually in? Cuz i did.. and I counted it as a finished category..

I hope it counts.

I came across some very interesting blogs. I read many sweet stories and saw many great pictures.

It's really great of Dr. John to really give us an opportunity to explore blogs we all never really thought we'd like to read or come across. The little blog community that he so humbly started has grown so much. You can see the growth in the amount of blogs he has for his marathons.

It seems with every passing marathon the amount of blogs seems to increase tremendously.

I think it's a lovely thing he's doing and I hope this continues for a very long time to come.

I wanted to take the opportunity to thank everyone that had stopped by during the marathon and added their piece of comment lovin to my page. It was so fun checking in on this blog several times a day to see how many more comments had been added.

Thank you.. thank you.. thank you..

I hope you all decide to come back and comment again.. with or without the coaxing of Dr. John..

G'night folks!

Black cat.. nine lives.. short days.. long nights..

I'm living on the edge not afraid to die!

Hahah!

So.. Dr. John is having a marathon, so I figured that I would stop here first on my daily round of blogs. I'm starting quite late in the day for this. I usually start about five to ten minutes before this. I got a late start. This is so going to screw up my day.

Anyway, the marathon is all categorized blogs. I got categorized in a group of blogs called T.I.P.C or Almost T.I.P.C.

Now my question..

What's T. I. P. C.?!

Good, bad.. I dont' know. I'm assuming it isn't bad, because Dr. John would never really label anything bad. So, I have peace of mind there.

I just wanted to welcome everyone to my blog that will be stopping by. Please feel free to read further and let me know what you think. I'm not a Pultizer prize winning writer, nor do I strive to be.

I'm just a simple girl in her twenties, trying to live her life the best way she knows how. I blog my mind and sometimes that means the sentences don't make sense, or the sentences run-on like endless sentences. That's just me. That does not discredit the fact that I am a working professional in the microbiological science field.

I guess that was the disclaimer to my blog.. I guess it's because I have been burned before by so-called "blog critiques" simply for the comedy.. not that I was completely offended.. it's just that.. the intention of my blog was lost because someone expected me to be a world-class writer..

And with all that said.. enjoy the blog.. and enjoy the marathon!

Lacking creativity.

I want to blog. I do. I have this urge to spill my guts over the computer. However, there is nothing to blog about.

I want to write a poem. I do. I have this urge to display my emotion in an artistic manner. However, there is no poetry in my mind.

I want to get up and dance. I do. I have this urge to release energy and angst through the movement of my body. However, there is no where to dance at.

I want to stand up and sing. I do. I have this urge to express love and happiness with the gift of song. However, there is no one to sing for.

Wow.. who says that random babblings can't get creative..

We are all earthlings..

Remember Sesame Street?

Ya. I loved that show. To be honest, I watched that show for the longest time. I watched it beyond my true Sesame Street watching years. I think I watched it into my tween years. Then, I picked it up again when my cousin started having chidlren and we were always at their house.

Anyway.

There is a nasty gigantic moth in my room. It used to be on the ceiling two nights ago. So I shut the lights off and I opened the door hoping it would follow the light the rest of the house and someone else would get rid of it.

I'm deathly afraid of bugs. I am currently paralyzed in fear right now. In constant contact with that nasty bugger, I dont want it to make a move without my knowing.

Anyway. I got tired of trying to sleep with the door open, so I shut the door. The moth hadn't moved and I was too tired to really care at that point.

Stupid moth apparently sought the strong moon light that is eminating from my window, which is right above my head!

It's been there since yesterday, now, it's on my sill, under the blinds.

I need Justyn here to kill it because I sure has heck wont.

And if I ask my mom, dad, or brother, their usual response is to yell at me and call my a wuss. They dont' understand how much of a problem I have with these things.

I can dissect a cat, a fish, a rat and other animal parts, but do not get me near a bug!

I remember in my vertebrate zoology class, I would be so engrossed in the dissections and what not, I didn't care. But the day that we studied entomology and there were dead bugs in glass cases, I had to make sure I sat away from one.

So, what's the Sesame Street tie-in?!

They used to sing this song "We Are All Earthlings"

And it's true. From me, to the ickest of buggers. We are all Earthlings. God's creatures.

BUT THEY ARE STILL SOO ICKY!!!

One after the other,
They roll out of my mouth.
Words of discontent
Words of pain and anguish.
Words incapable of been soothed.

I'm in a complaining mood..

-------------------------------

That.. dear readers.. is the poem of the day..

My back hurts, my head hurts.. and I am soo sleepy.. it's indescribable.. and i went to bed after Justyn and I got off the computer.. I don't know what it is..

I just thought i'd share!

There's a moth in my room!

I'm lying here.. in my bed.. with the lights on.. staring at this ginormous moth on my ceiling.. it's on the highest part of the ceiling in my room.. just sitting there.. biding it's time.. waiting for the moment I shut the lights.. and then it's going to flutter around aimlessly.. until it hits ME.. and i scream bloody murder..

Oh.. I can see it now..

I have to go to the bathroom.. but I am actually paralyzed with fear.. I seriously don't want to get up.. because if i lose sight of where that moth is.. I am going to go insane trying to figure out where that blasted bugger went..

Oh my gosh.. I wish it would just go away..

How did it end up in here in the first place???

Ok.. I gotta work up the nerve to get out of bed.. and just.. clear out some stuff so the moth has no hiding place if it were to leave the ceiling.. then.. shut the lights.. and pray for it to find it's way out..

YIKES!!!

Comfort and joy..

Yikes.. when you have a dream like this.. where is the comfort and joy..

So I was at a cursillo retreat and a vampire came in and made another vampire out of one of the cursillistas... so.. she falls asleep and she wakes up with this need to bite off the others but it goes away in an hour or so.. but then comes back again.. yadda yadda yadda..

So what we did was we tranquilized her so that she can sleep through most of her "feeding" times and she'd be awake during her "normal" times.. and during her normal times.. she wouldn't have the fangs or superhuman strength.. she'd just talk about wanting to turn so-n-so into a vampire..

Anyway.. it just so happens she ends up turning two more cursillistas into vampires so we tranked all of them with A LOT of tranquilizer and went on with the day..

Then.. they woke up and were released by someone and into the house we were all in and one of the vampires.. though in her normal state.. targeted me next..

The rest of the dream was about me.. trying to find ways to escape from this dreaded fate..

Not only was it scary.. but it as stressful as well..

I guess in a way it's just a reflection of my life's stresses right now.. there are ups and downs.. the vampire is the ups and downs.. when the vampire is asleep.. I can go along my merry away.. and life is ok.. when the vampire is "normal" then things get a little rough.. but not much that I seem to not be able to handle it.. but when it's in "feeding" mode.. taht's when I feel that life is just way too intense..

I spend the rest of my life.. trying to find ways to escape from my dreaded fate..

Jammin' on the one's and two's..

Sigh.. is it Friday yet?

Just thinking about this week, kinda sorta gives me one of those "punched in the stomach" feelings. This Saturday was supposed to be the Saturday that Justyn and I and some of our friends that work at Disneyland were going to go fly out to Florida and spend a splendid week at Walt Disney World.

It was going to be so awesome. We both hadn't been there. And it would have been a great deal because we have Disney employees with us and that's always good because of all the freebies. It would have been a Disney trip come true. Not to mention, great on the wallet.

But then, Justyn lost his job at the gas company and all the money he was saving up was used for his financial survival for the following months before he found another job.

That was truly a blessing because if he hadn't been saving that money, he would be in so much financial trouble.

I know the Lord has a different plan for us. I know he has something in store and that's why he stopped us from going.

But it would have been SOOO FUN!!!

Oh dear..

Oh dear sweet Aladdin.. not to mention.. strikingly handsome Aladdin.. ahem.. anyway..

Oh dear sweet Aladdin.. if only you could come and take me away on your magic carpet. Take me to a place where only happiness prevails. Show me the world that is shining, shimmering, splendid. Open my eyes, and take me wonder by wonder, over sideways and under on this magic carpet ride.

Sigh.

Ok.. so.. ya.. that was the Aladdin we had seen when Justyn and I went to Disneyland. Sigh. He was so cute!

We even took pictures with him!



Ya.. he really was cute. Jasmine was pretty too, but I dont' know.. everyone that sees this picture always comments on her abs. I don't know. I don't want to say anything bad. It's bad enough to have to bear your stomach for all of Disneyland to see. But then, everyone is constantly critiquing your toneness. I do agree that maybe she should work out, but you dont' know her story. Maybe she's had a child and is still working on getting the pregnancy flab out. Maybe she is working on it. No one knows..

Sigh.

Next goal is a picture with Ariel..