And it's baa-ack..

Anger surges through me..
No origin.. no direction..
A different life..
A different day..
That's all I ask..

Rage pulses through my veins..
I don't understand why..
The things I'd seen..
Not worth this pain..
Not worth this misery..

Simple words..
Friendly words..
Still piercing through my brain..
Happy words..
But not for me..
The cycle begins again..

It's gone!

Darn me and my sporatic surges of creativity..

It's gone.. by golly.. the creativity is gone..

And we're now beck to regularly scheduled rambling.. thank you to all those that enjoyed that temporary moment of artistic-ness..

Dang it.. it was the McDonalds for dinner tonight.. that must be it.. ok.. I'll blame the McDonalds..

I mean.. now.. there really isn't anything else to write about except for the fact that I feel like nothingness right now.. complete and utter nothingness.. which isn't the case.. I have lots of people in my life that think i'm a somebody.. i'm not nothing.. yet. i feel like nothing.. like i can disappear and no one would even notice..

Sigh..

Sigh..

Creative surge..

I'm feeling awfully creative lately.. and I appreciate all the comments I've been receiving because of it.. I never thought that my mindless rambling.. the stuff i consider my own personal poetry.. can actually relate to other people.. I'm glad.. I'm glad people find a connection to what I write..

It makes me feel like I"m not the only one in the world.. that I have people that understand me.. and I'm glad..

Thank you.. thank you.. thank you..





Disappearing youth
Days tick by..
Forward.. forever forward..
Impossible to look behind me..
Impossible to replay..

Must learn from my mistaks..
Unable to go back to fix them..
Must learn and move forward..
My only desire is to head on back..

My youth is disappearing..
Age settles in..
My life.. my world.. my visions..
Constantly changing.. with moving time..

My youth is disappearing..
Who I am now..
So different than then..

To be able to be what I was..
Knowing the things I know now..
To be able to decide what to do..
Knowing the the things I know now..
To be able to choose another path..
Knowing the things I know now..

Impossible.. Impossible..

Must move forward..
Forever forward..
Must move on..
Must move on..

The beckoning..

He calls to me..
I answer..
Blindly I follow his voice..
That voice that guides me..
I know not where..
The unknown journey to my home..

My faith will keep me..
From straying the path..
My love..
The driving force of it all..
I follow willingly..
I follow wholeheartedly..
I'll follow until.. I'm home..

Empty..

My life.. an empty container..
My life.. lifeless.. and lonely..
My life.. constant awareness..
My life.. as the world passes by..

My wish.. to live like the others..
My wish.. is to get what I want..
My wish.. is to share it with someone..
My wish.. is to share it with you..

My heart.. so lonely..
My heart.. so empty..
My heart.. yearns for your touch..
My heart.. belongs to you..

We kiss in the shadows..

The show's over.. yet.. the songs remain in my head.. this is going to last a long while.. especially since its Rodgers and Hammerstein.. those songs stick to me like white on rice.. oh yes..

My head hurts.. and my jaw hurts.. and no.. i'm not quoting that britney spears video.. but my jaw really does hurt.. and it's cuz i've been really tense again lately.. and clenching my jaw again.. i don't know what it is that makes me do that.. but it's going on.. and well.. mah jahw herts..

Sigh.. "but i keep.. rolling on.."

Downward spiral.. revisited..

I'm know i'm getting depressed again.. so i have two choices...

1. Acknowlege it.. and fight it.. and move on..
2. Let it consume me til it's way too much again and I'm scratching at the walls trying to climb back up to normal sanity..

I choose the first one.. however.. like all things.. it's not easy.. and it's never easy.. and i don't think that these battles will ever be easy.. but i know i have a support system.. and i am starting to catch these things a lot earlier than before.

It's either that or i'm acknowleging them a lot sooner.. and dealing with them a lot sooner.. hence.. i really haven't had a terribly bad spell for a few months.. thanks to God and justyn for supporting me..

But i know i'm slipping.. I know i'm feeling it.. and i have to get over it.. and i will get over it.. there are a lot of good things in my life.. why should i dwell on the bad.. why do i have to revel over things i have no control over.. why do i stress over things i cannot change.. or speed up?

Why don't i have patience?!?!

FREEZING!

Oh my gosh!

How cold is it here in the lab?!

And it doesn't really help that I have a dull headache radiating all over my head.. argh.. today is just not my day..

I don't feel so good.. I just wish I could stay home and sleep..

I should take an advil and continue on with my day.. that should work.. I hope it works.. sleep.. sleep.. sleep.. sigh.. is the week over yet??

Exciting!

So.. I'm expanding my "crochet for a cause" and I"m going to also make scarves and baby blankets and stuff.. exciting..

Remember to keep checking on..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/artsytartsydoilies/

To check on what I've made so far.. it hasn't been updated in awhile cuz i haven't finished anything lately..

And please.. comment on what you think of them!

Nostalgia..

I was sitting here yesterday.. reading all the old posts from when justyn and first got together.. and how i felt about all of that..i deem this one the most honest cuz at the time he wasn't reading it.. in fact i didn't have any friends reading this blog..i still don't.. just justyn..

Anyway.. it's amazing that those feelings of security and of being loved that i felt back then.. are exactly the same feelings i feel right now.. and that a lot of it hasn't changed.. other than the fact that i've completely allowed my self to fall in love with him.. and that isn't a bad thing at all..

He is great.. and he knows it.. hahaha!

But really.. he's the king of the simple things i love in a relationship..

For me it has never been about what he buys me.. it's always been about what he does.. and that pertained to every guy i dated.. sure getting gifts was fun.. but is he really gonna make you a peanut butter sandwhich for lunch.. the exact way you like it.. is he really gonna drive down to have lunch with you every time you ask... is he gonna hold you tight when you need it the most.. is he going to go out of his way to make you laugh even when you think you aren't in the mood.. and you find yourself laughing anyway..

Ya... ramble.. ramble.. ramble.. but it's all true.. with him.. i know i'm cared for... with him.. i know i'm loved..

We might not have all the money in the world.. yet.. but i know we've got a lot of feeling between us and that's even better than all the money..

Tho'.. money would be nice.. really nice.. really really nice.. but ti's not whats going to make us comepletely happy..

I could not ask for more..

So.. I'm singing for my friends wedding.. edwin mccains "i could not ask for more"

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
And these are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more


Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything in me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
And these are the moments
I know all I need is this
I've found all I've waited for,yeah
And I could not ask for more


I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Yeah, right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me
Yeah


These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
And these are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for, yeah
And I could not ask for more


I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Yeah, right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Oh, here with you here with me
No, I could not ask for more
Than this love you gave me
Cause it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
No, yeah
No, I could not ask for more

And I'm totally singing.. for rehearsal's sake.. and i realize how great the song lyrics are.. i mean.. they are just so full of love and emotion.. that i hope that i portray it right in the song when i sing it.. there's so much good feeling in that song.. there's such an expression of love for that other person.. i hope that i can pull it off...

She picked a good song.. i'm proud of here..

Now who's gonna sing "head over feet" from alanis morrissette at justyn's and mine's weddding??

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault


Hahahah!

I'm going to do it..

I am going to "crochet for a cause" (read entry below)

Seriously.. but I need to boost my inventory before I really get going.. and it'll start small cuz.. well.. i can't save the world immediately.. you know..

I'll start with my local soup kitchen.. and help out as much as i can with the donations.. i used to donate my time there all the time in high school.. i have always wanted to start up again... but life is catching up with me and there are always so many things to do..

And on an random ADHD note.. i think Justyn and I should start growing more spiritually together.. granted.. we're of different religions.. but our God is the same.. and prayer holds no religious boundaries..

Our priest said.. at least one minute of silent meditation.. slient prayer to God.. start donating just one minute to thank Him or to ask Him for guidance.. and if it adds up to more.. that's great..

But.. that's not something that is bound to a specific religion.. and besides.. maybe joined prayer by the both of us.. will strengthen our prayers to Him..

I wonder if Justyn would agree to it.. i mean.. since we will be married eventually.. if God permits.. our spiritual lives have to intertwine eventually.. why not start now??

Read this.. it's pretty important..

I cried tears of pity.. "crocheting for a cause..."

So.. Justyn and I went out tonight.. we ate dinner.. had a good time.. did some shopping.. you know.. hang out.. like we do occasionally..

Well.. we were getting gas when we passed by a guy.. a guy.. and old man.. going through the trash cans.. looking for cans and bottles.. and food.. every piece of food he could find.. a chip.. a part of a pretzel.. if he was lucky.. he would find a bag of a half eaten pastry.. or a box of half eaten fries or something.. and he would stash it away in a larger potato chip bag..

Gosh.. I was so hurt seeing that.. I wanted to give him the leftovers of what we didn't eat at the CPK.. but.. i was too frightened to approach him.. scared that he might get offended.. and partially cuz i really didn't know how to approach that.. i didn't know what to say.. i was.. scared..

I did the only think I knew how to at that moment..

I cried.. tears fell from my eyes.. I cried..

So.. now.. I'm thinking..

I don't need the "extra change" that I can make from doing doilies.. I should sell them.. and that money should go somewhere that can be most useful.. not my pocket.. i have enough money.. i'm making ends meet and i don't need to go to trash cans for my daily meal..

So.. I should make the doilies and sell them.. and donate that money to charities..

"Crochet for a cause"

And all the proceeds go to... whatever charity..

I can crochet stuff.. sell it.. and maybe $0.10 of every dollar goes to me.. to reimburse me for the thread.. and the rest of it goes to a charity of the moment..

From domestic poverty.. to breast cancer awareness... the charity would change every so often..

I know that the money I could possibly make won't be a lot.. but it's a start.. I would love to do this.. I just need guidance..

I've always wanted to make a difference in the world.. maybe this is my calling..

If anyone knows how to start something like this.. I would love to some help..

Man.. life.. is.. well.. uh..

So.. check it out..

I rode Justyns motorcycle yesterday.. i was a passenger.. lemme tell you.. he thinks i was exaggerating my terror.. but i wasn't.. he thinks i was exaggerating my hesitation.. but i wasn't.. but i guess.. it wasn't THAT bad.. but it sure was scary..

But I guess if he just keeps doing that every so often.. starting off VERY slow with me.. I should be ok eventually..

I know that it's important to him.. so.. I should at least try to get comfortable.. but he's really gotta ease me into it.. i mean.. really ease me.. really really really ease me..

Check this out.. comments appreciated!

So.. I found time today to take pictures of the doilies I've made so far.. since I've started up again.. I've made two.. and i'm working on a third.. pretty cool considering I've started up again for about a week..


This is the one I was working on and stopped working on when my aunt came to visit.. there wasn't much left to do on this one.. so that's why it didn't take that long to finish it.. I like it.. but I know I can do better with more practice..


This one.. I finished yesterday.. it's a simple design and I just wanted to see what it would look like.. so it's a lot smaller than the round one.. but I like it also.. I'll probably make a bigger one.. but add a little more to the pattern.. but this will do for now..


And this is the one that I'm working on now.. a lot "lacy-er" than the others.. as lacy as I currently know how to do it.. it's another pattern I thought I'd try.. I don't know if it's going to stay the same pattern or if i'll change it up the bigger I get.. we'll see..

There you have it.. the beginnings of a collection of doilies up for sale..

Oh ya.. are they even good enough to sell??? I mean.. do you think people would be willing to buy them on ebay??

Please answer!!

As long as your mine..

Ya.. well.. whatever.. i'm listening to my showtunes radio station.. and that's what's playing right now.. oh wait.. now it's RENT.. hmm.. they are playing the movie version.. not as good as the stage show's version.. i guess it's just cuz i'm so used to that version.. whatever..

Can I go home now?

I want to take a nap when i get home.. then I'm going to start a massive overhaul of my room.. i need to get rid of some of my clothings.. and i've started.. every so often i'd toss out a shirt.. or two.. or three.. i got rid of some of my skirts.. so.. that's a start..

And then I have a $50 gift card to mervyns.. i should buy work clothes.. and jeans..

All my shirts are way too short for work.. they keep riding up.. as long as they are long enough.. they work.. for work.. ya..

Again.. i wish i had more to blog about.. but i don't.. i really don't..

Sunsets.. sunrises.. and stupid me..

I wish I were a better writer.. the kind that sucks people into the blog.. to keep them coming back and commenting.. the one that initiates thought.. and interesting topics of conversation..

But even in the real world.. I find it very hard to start an engaging conversation.. it takes another person with a better way of doing so to really get me talking.. i mean.. i try.. i really do.. but i'm not a good conversationalist.. my mother is.. i am not..

I usually find myself in awkward silence with who ever i am with.. unless i am extremely comfortable with that person..

Maybe tha'ts why it's hard for me to really find someone to get acquainted with here at this new job.. this new job that isn't so new anymore.. i don't think it shoudl be considered new if i've been working here since April..

At work.. i'm a loner.. but at the theater.. with the theater people.. we bonded quickly.. so how does that work?

Am I just more comfortable with those peole in the ARTS than theSCIENCEs.. when I love them both equally??

My sad and sorry attempts at emo poetry..

Destiny brought me here
Your arms my sanctuary
Your voice cause my raging mind
To fall asleep.. be calm

Destiny brought you here
With you.. I know I'm home
Your lips, your eyes,
The warmth of your smile
With you I can go on

My life was nothing more
Than a downward spiral
Living was just a necessity
I lived though not alive

But you brought in the color
You brought in the world
Opened my eyes to wonder
Opened my heart to love

You can't get anymore.. you cant' get anymore..

Man.. ok.. so.. my whole "song and dance" idea is a really good idea that I really can't let pass.. I mean.. that is a really good idea for a tattoo.. but i'm absolutely terrified of getting one.. so.. maybe i'll get it on a t-shirt... and we'll call it even.. ya.. that seems like a good idea..

I do.. if i were braver.. would get a tattoo.. I used to want one when i was in high school.. I was pretty bad ass when i was in high school.. but i'm a professional scientist now.. and well.. that doesn't fly in the land of the professional..

And how cool would that be.. so let's put it on a shirt.. about five shirts.. so that i can always have one on hand.. and we'll call it a day!

I just had to post this.. I think that Justyn needs this for Halloween this year.. what do you all think?!

Why I heart my fiance, by ArtsyTartsyViray

I heart my fiance because...

... he controls my porker tendencies.. cuz today.. at Starbucks.. when we were having lunch.. i had a sandwhich and a grande double blend mocha light frappacino.. and i saw those no-sugar added carrot loafs... and i was totally wanting to buy one.. knowing very well.. that the sandwhich and the frap were enough to satisfy my lunchy hunger... he stopped me.. and reminded me that i will start to complain about how fat i feel if i were to buy one and eat one with my lunch.. I HEART MY FIANCE..

... he understands and embraces the geek that I am.. because i am a full-blown "lostie" and "TLE-freak".. I HEART MY FIANCE..

... he took the car instead of the motorcycle to meet me for lunch.. ok.. that's partially cuz he didn't wanna drive an hour on a bike on a trip that should only take 15-20 minutes to take in a car.. and he wanted air conditioning.. but the mere fact that he said cuz i knew you'd be happy.. that made everything better.. I HEART MY FIANCE..

There you have it.. three reason's why Justyn is a good guy today.. and why I heart him lots!

Going nuts!

The show went well.. the really bad nerves are gone.. thank God.. now it's just that little "rush" feeling that I get before a performance.. thats the feeling I absolutlely love.. and that's the feeling that keeps me coming back to perform over and over and over again..

It's a rush.. really.. and for some people it's that feeling that really stops people from performing.. they don't like it.. but I LOVE that feeling.. and live for that feeling.. that's what draws me to the stage.. all the time..

I'ts the performer in me.. i guess.. its' in my blood.. i can't help it.. it's who i am..

But I don't have rehearsal now til next thursday.. that's just a pick up.. a refresher to remind us of the show.. then it's performance weekend all over again!

Then it's over.. so fast!!

Man.. can't wait til the next show!

Heck ya.. i'm nervous.

And then.. suddenly.. it all hit me..

WE OPEN THE SHOW TOMORROW..

Then.. we run for these two weeks.. and it's over.. I don't know.. maybe i'm just so used to Mummer's and the fact that they run shows for what seems like forever.. but not as long as they ran Justyn's show in Rialto..

I think when I first started.. Mummer's shows ran four weeks.. then.. they suddenly changed to three..

Rancho does two..

Rialto did a whopping FIVE weeks..

That was five weeks.. and more.. of not being able to spend much time with Justyn.. to not be able to go out.. to be bored at home.. while he's frolicking about on stage..

Now.. it's my turn..

I wish I were healthier.. i just don't feel up to par.. but i gotta do what i gotta do..

Argh.. the stress..

Why do I do this to myself..

Put myself in these situations that just add stress to my already stressful life..

Why don't I ever learn to just walk away from it all.. When will I realize that all i have to do is just walk away from it all..

Seriously.. how much more of this do i have to endure.. do i have to take.. before I just.. snap.. and just lose my mind completely.. i don't know.. i really don't know.. i want to feel like i can go on forever..

But my body is starting to get very sensitive to changes in my stress levels.. my stomach is in on it.. my head..

And all i want to do is sleep.. just.. sleep.. that's all.. is that too much to ask for??

When will God just wake me up.. and teach me to just.. walk away..

Tell Me Everything.
What is the last movie you watched in a theater?:	Um... wow.. this is really sad when you don't remember.. I know it wasn't our double feature Davinci and Xmen.. was it???
What is the last DVD you watched?:	Lost Season 1 Disc 2
What is the last book you read?:	I'm in the middle of Interview With A Vampire.. I had just finished Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix
What is the last song you had stuck in your head?:	Something from Rodgers and Hammerstein.. no doubt..
If you had to sing in public, what would you sing?:	Anything from the musical "The Last Five Years"
What is your pet peeve?:	Being bored
Do you smoke?:	Nope
Do you drink alcohol?:	On occasion
Do you do any recreational drugs? Elaborate if you like.:	Nope
What is the last thing you Googled?:	Um.. something about the tv show LOST
When is the last time you were in a library?:	Long time.. since I got into booksfree.com.. i hadn't needed to..
Name any pets that you have.:	None.
Name any siblings that you have.:	One brother.. he shall remain nameless..
Who is your favorite relative?:	My kiddies!!
What is your favorite childhood memory?:	Dancing.. on stage..
What is your scariest memory?:	Going to bed at night when i was younger..
When is the last time you were sick?:	A couple of months ago.. knock on wood!
When is the last time you went to the doctor?:	In april..
When is the last time you had your vision checked?:	Two years ago.. shoot.. i need to do that..
When is the last time you had your hearing checked?:	Many... many.. years ago.. maybe i should get that checked..
Do you know your blood type?:	B positive..
Do you donate blood/platelets/plasma/etc.?:	Occasionally.. not since lately cuz they said my hematocrit was low..
Ever been in the Emergency Room?:	When i was really really young..
Ever broken a bone?:	Fractured a finger trying to catch a bowling ball.. don't ask..
Ever had surgery?:	Ya.. to take out an ingrown toe nail.. and to remove my wisdom teeth..
Ever spent overnight in the hospital?:	Ya.. when i had pneumonia at a young age..
Ever visited someone else in the hospital?:	Lots of people..
Ever put someone else in the hospital?:	Not that i know of..
What achievement are you most proud of so far?:	Graduating college.. all the dancing and performing I've done.. being on a tv show.. even if it was just as background.. i got a lot of coverage.. yay!
What would you go back and do differently?:	I'd do much better in college..
What is the last thing you bought for yourself?:	Nothing fun.. just necessities.. like.. FOOD!
What is the last present you received?:	Um.. the lil seahorse justyn got me from Disneyland..
What is the last present you gave someone else?:	Um... my love.. hee hee..
What is the best present you have ever received?:	His love.. that's right!
What is the best present you have ever given?:	My heart.. hee hee.. i'm a romantic..
Have you ever bought anything on eBay? If so, what?:	CDs.. books.
Have you ever sold anything on eBay? If so, what?:	Nope..
Do you have an Amazon wish list?:	I used to.. but then i ended up buying them all..
Have you ever used anyone else's wish list to buy a gift?:	Nope..
What is the best surprise you have ever had?:	June 9th, 2006.. when i reached into my pocket and found "the box"
What is the last surprise you had?:	June 9th, 2006..
What is your most prized posession?:	My kiddies.. Justyn.. and my laptop..
Have you ever had roommates?:	Nope
Have you ever lived alone?:	Nope
Which do you prefer? Why?:	I wouldn't know..
What is on the wall to your left?:	The refrigerator..
What is on the wall to your right?:	The phone..
What is next to your bed?:	Lots of stuff.. but i'm not in my room..
What is on your bathroom sink?:	Um.. nothing..
Have you ever looked in someone's medicine cabinet?:	Ya.. cuz i needed something and i was at my cousin's house anyway.. so it's cool..
Have you ever stolen anything from someones medicine cabinet?:	No!
Have you ever been robbed?:	Yes.. our house was.. scary!
Have you ever been cheated on?:	I think so.. i think emails that elude to it.. are proof enough..
Have you ever cheated? Ever get caught?:	I cheated.. but i never got caught.. and i doubt he reads my postings or whatever.. so i guess he'll never know..
Have you ever been in love?:	I am in love..
Are you in love now?:	Um.. that's what i said..
Is someone in love with you?:	He better be.. he asked to marry me!
Are you in a relationship with someone?:	Obviously..
When did you last go on a date?:	Oh geez.. we've been so busy lately.. it's more just "hanging out"
Ever kiss someone on the first date?:	Yes..
Ever sleep with someone on the first date?:	Not the first date.. maybe the first week..
Ever had a one night stand?:	Nope.. well.. nope..
Ever give someone a wrong phone number on purpose?:	Haha.. no.. but i have given someone a different name.
Ever been given a wrong phone number?:	Not that i know of.. i never call them..
When is the last time someone turned you down?:	Um... I dunno..
When is the last time you turned someone down?:	Um.. I dunno..
When is the last time you lied to someone?:	Don't ask..
What is the last lie you were told?:	Don't know..
What's the strangest thing you have ever witnessed first hand?:	An elephant head in the large necropsy lab.. SCARY!
What scares you the most?:	Elephant heads in the large necropsy room.. hahah!
What makes you happy?:	My kiddies.. and Justyn..
What makes you sad?:	Missing my kiddies and Justyn..
When is the last time you cursed out loud?:	Yesterday..
When is the last time you laughed out loud?:	Yesterday.. when Justyn "tickle attacked" me..
When is the last time you cried?:	Yesterday.. when Justyn "tickle attacked" me..
When is the last time you cried in front of someone else?:	Yesterday.. when Justyn "tickle attacked" me..
When is the last time you wanted to hit something?:	A couple of days ago..
When is the last time you did hit something?:	A couple of days ago.. i hit my bed..
Ever literally bang your head against the wall in frustration?:	No.. but i've wanted to..
Ever hurt yourself on purpose?:	Ya.. but not for a while..
Ever thought about killing yourself?:	Used to.. but not so much lately..
Ever tried killing yourself?:	Nope
Ever seen a psychiatric ward?:	Nope
Ever been put in a psychiatric ward?:	Nope
When is the last time you had to fill a prescription?:	Don't remember
Do you take any medication regularly?:	Nope
What is the last thing you did that you didn't want to do?:	Work
What is the last thing you convinced someone else to do?:	Dunno..
Do you like the way you look most of the time?:	Most of the time.. ish..
Do you use any bath/beauty/grooming products?:	Ya.
Do you have a product that you consider a necessity? What is it?:	Shampoo, conditioner, soap.. toothpaste.. toothbrush.. you know.. the basics..
Do you wear cologne/perfume/aftershave regularly?:	Body spray if i work with a lot of stinky stuff..
What do you consider your biggest weakness?:	Babies
What do you consider your greatest strength?:	Love
What would you say your personal motto is?:	Life is a cabaret
Who would you say your personal hero is?:	God
If you could live in a different time, would you? When?:	Ya.. a time when money wasn't so important
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?:	Orange County
Why do you get up in the morning?:	Cuz i have to go to work
Do you go to sleep easily and/or on time?:	I go to sleep easily.. but never on time..
Do you sleep through the night?:	Yes
Do you snore?:	Justyn says i do.. but i think he's lying..
Do you prefer to sleep alone or with someone else?:	Someone else..
How many pillows do you sleep with?:	Lots.. to simulate sleeping with someone else..
Do you prefer cold air and blankets, or warm air and no blankets?:	any air.. and blankets..
When is the last time someone else slept in your bed?:	Long time..
How often do you change your sheets?:	Every few months..
How often do you do laundry? Do you use a laundromat?:	I try to do it every week.. at home..
How often do you vacuum?:	I don't.. the roomba does that for us
How often do you dust?:	I don't.. my mom does that..
Do you wash dishes by hand or do you have a dishwasher?:	Both
What is your favorite way to kill time at home?:	Laptop
What is your favorite way to kill time when waiting for someone?:	iPod
What is your favorite way to kill time when traveling?:	Book
What is your favorite travel destination?:	Vegas!
When is the last time you were on a plane?:	I was.. seven years old!
When is the last time you were on a boat?:	Early June.. at the Pirate Faire
What is the most 'extreme' activity you have ever done?:	Dunno.. cant' really think of anything..
What do you want to do before you die?:	Be a wife... mother.. grandmother..
How do you want to check out?:	Peacefully..
Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

A hundred million miracles..

Oh geez...

I'm kinda sleepy.. but not really.. maybe it's more lazy..

I'm gonna go see my sweetheart today.. for lunch..

I really wanna be with him right now..

I don't know what it is.. loneliness... pathetic-ness.. i don't know.. is it pathetic to really wanna spend time with my fiance right now.. especially when i feel he really needs my support.. I don't know.. i don't think it is..

I wish it were just so easy to say "i'm spending the night at Justyns" and not have anyone have a hissy fit over it all..

I'm 25.. if i wanna spend the night at my fiance's house.. i should be allowed.. and it's not like we're gonna have sex or anything.. it was just the mere fact of being with each otehr while we slept.. because i know he needs me.. and i.. need him too.. and it feels so good to wake up next to that special person you love so much..

I don't know..

Wishing.. hoping.. thinking.. praying...

I think I need to pray more.. I don't know.. I just feel like.. maybe if I lived a more "religious" life.. that.. things would probably not seem as bad as they are.. i might learn to appreciate the things I do have in my life..

I mean.. I do.. a lot.. for my church.. and like i recently told justyn.. i'm pretty sure i'll end up owning that church when i get older.. and ya.. i like doing those things..but when i'm done with those things.. i'm not living a "religious" life..

I don't have patience for many things.. don't quite "turn the other cheek" with people that piss me off..

I don't know..

What do you think?!

The smells!

Ok.. so if it isn't poop.. it's farkin' drag swabs.. argh.. and that's like.. chick poop.. eww..

What is up with bacteria and their need to reside in poop-ish places..

Then.. if they didn't i wouldn't have to bother with smelly stuff.. and i'd be sweet smelling all the live-long day...

Argh..

Good thing I bring body spray now.. cuz ewwy nasty!

Hmm.. three o'clock.. two more hours of work.. and then.. it's the weekend.. i wish it were the other way around.. that.. work was only two days a week.. and the weekend lasted five.. then everyone would be well rested.. broke.. but well rested..

And no one would be stressed..

And no one would depend on caffeine..

And no one would drive tired..

And the world will be a much peaceful place..

Cuz everyone would be alert and listening.. and there would be no misunderstandings.. and no wars becasue there would be no misunderstandings.. and everyone would be more pleasant.. so there would be no need for fighting to get your point accross..

OMG.. i think I just figured out how to achieve world peace!!

Sweet!

The world is spinning.. cuz i'm hungry..

Today is a slow day.. only because there really isn't anything to do right now.. and the fact that I haven't eaten.. and i won't be able to eat until i get home tonight.. well.. at 5pm.. it's making the day run really slow..

It doens't help that i'm really sleepy too.. it doens't help that i'm not really in the mood to do much either..

I do know that i'm gonna go home.. to my HOME home.. not to justyn's house.. to HOME.. and take a nap..

In three house.. sheesh.. can the day GO any slower??

Gasp...

I guess.. this is how it looks on a normal PC.. i wouldn't know.. i don't usually put in entries on a PC.. i'm usually on a MAC..

Sigh.. it's hot in here..

I just thought I'd share..

Gasp.. i spilled my coffee...

While pouring the hot water into my instant decaf coffe... i spilled it.. that can't be a good sign..

Well.. the last time i spilled my coffee.. the day was alright.. ya.. that's all..

Gotta go and work now.. how sad.. do i really need to??

Good luck.. break a leg.. my thoughts are with you..

Um.. well.. I really should be putting this on my other blogger site.. but it's ok..

But justyn has a job interview today.. and I'm praying to God that he get it.. it makes more money than i do at the moment.. and well.. we both need the more money.. but he does.. he needs a job.. and hopefully he can get it before his next set of bills is due..

Please.. let him get this job..

We don't need anymore things going wrong in our relationship and in our lives anymore.. please.. start letting things work for the better of us..

I have cute toes!

Ok.. maybe just for now.. cuz i really like the nail polish color i picked.. very cute.. it is.. i like the red of it all.. makes my toes look very Los Angeles..

I need to go to the beach.. it's beach weather.. maybe after the show is over.. i'll convince my lovely (and white) fiance to join me and go to the beach.. i think it's what i need.. the nice salty air.. i love the salty air of the ocean.. i think i'm more in my element in the ocean than in the mountains..

Not that the mountains are great.. they are.. very quiet and peaceful.. the air is so crisp up there.. maybe cuz it's thinner.. i don't know.. but the only think i really can't stand is the dreadful drive up there.. the circles and circles.. man.. makes me car sick.. but to finally get there.. was awesome.. i would love to have a vacation house up there.. that would be quite awesome!

But the crash of the waves.. the smell of the salt water.. i feel like i'm in my element.. maybe i was meant to be a water sign.. and not an air sign..

But ya.. take me to the beach.. and i'm yours forever!!

What do you do..

I'm sorry.. I just don't know.. i think this is the depressing blog site.. i mean.. it's by far the most serious.. i seem to be putting all the problems and worries onto these ones.. especially the God blog.. i guess prayers tend to be a little sad and serious.. especially when you are praying for somethingy you wish you had.. but you know you don't have..

I don't know.. i just wish that things really work out for Justyn and I this time around.. I believe that they will.. i believe that we will get married.. there is nothing else I want more in this world than to get married to him and start a family..

But when?

I mean.. i know that it's going to take a lot of time.. but when.. we aren't even an inch closer than we were when we first got engaged almost two years ago..

I mean.. emotionally and relationship wise.. yes..

But.. to actually do it.. because of financial stability.. no.. not even close.. not even an inch closer than we were two years ago..

Sometimes it feels like we've even gone backwards on that.. in fact.. we have.. i make less money than i did.. and he's currently unemployed.. so ya.. a step back indeed..

I am putting money back into our account.. but how much is $20 going to help a pay check.. that's only like $480/yr.. not even half a grand a year.. and he's not helping.. and i don't expect him to.. at least not now.. he's unemployed.. but if he does get this job.. i would at least be happy if he were to pitch in $20 a paycheck.. he could afford it better than i could.. and that would make the yearly addition $960/yr.. and that isn't as bad.. you know?

Whatever.. God knows.. but He also said He would help those that help themselves.. so.. that's what i'm doing.. but.. sigh..

Friendster is on crack..

Sheesh.. in the time that it's takin g me to click around that stupid site to find the blog entry page.. i found blogger and started.. what is this madness.. i don't have much time left.. and i wanted to swing by and enter something..

Justyn is taking a test for a new job that he wants.. or not so much wants.. but is applying for.. i don't know... i mean.. it's money.. it's good money.. but.. graveyard.. that's scary.. i'm not too much of a fan of him working that late.. but.. i guess he has to do what he has to do..

Deep down.. i'm wishing that he gets the dispatcher job.. just cuz it sounds better.. i know.. it's a little shallow.. but sometimes.. especially with my family.. you hear so much crap about "status" and jobs and stuff.. and well.. dispatcher sounds more credible than warehouse worker..

I know that isn't what he's going to do with the rest of his life.. but still.. i don't know.. graveyard is a good opportunity for him to go to school at the same time..

But still.. scary!

I can fly anywhere.. and the world will open it's arms to me..

We had a good rehearsal.. that's what i miss about shows.. the process of it all coming together.. and it looks like it's coming together relatively smoothly.. so far.. knock on wood and all those theater superstitions.. hee hee..

I'm bored.. and I need someone to talk to.. my boyfriend chose to talk to his best friend over me.. right now.. and so i have no one to talk to at the moment.. there is a friend of mine online.. but i don't know if i should talk to him.. he seems to be stirring up trouble whenever i do talk to him.. especially between justyn and i.. and it's like.. i don't know what to believe when it comes to this friend and what he says..

Hmph..

I think i can..

Work.. and then rehearsal.. it's ok..cuz i like rehearsals.. i like that stuff.. so it doesn't seem so bad.. you know.. but work.. i love work.. i love the microbiology that goes with it.. but sheesh.. i'm not in the mood... i soo wasn't in the mood last friday either.. but that's only because i had somewhere to go..

But now.. eek..

Catch up time..

I hope that means that i'm busy enough to let time fly.. you know..

But i doubt it.. i bet ill be sittin' there.. bored outta my mind eventually..

Aye..

I didn't realize..

I totally forgot that I wrote here on the 6th.. maybe it was really late at night on the 5th.. i don't know.. but i thought it had been forever since i had been here.. apparently not..

I'm able to get through to everything today.. I hope.. well.. majority.. so that my beloved has something to read.. hahaha..

I'm always so giving.. even when i don't realize it.. aww..

Moment of self-absorbance..


In other news.. my nose is starting to peel.. well.. on one side.. the right side..

And the top is itchy.. and not a good feelign at all... it's an unquenchable itch.. it's killin' me!

My poor baby..

I wonder what's going on with Justyn and his work right now.. my poor baby.. he works so hard.. and all this stuff happens.. I wish i knew of a way that i could fix everything for him.. to make it all better..

I don't like seeing him all stressed out.. cuz then it gets me all stressed out.. and all i wanna do is hold him and try to bring back the balance in his world again..

Kinda like the way he does it for me.. just by holding me.. really tight.. it makes everything come back to normal.. for just a split second.. it seems like nothing ever knocked me off kilter in the first place..

I wanna be able to do that for him..

Do you think I do that for him? Have I ever done that for him? I dont' know.. I hope I have..

It's the little things..

Yesterday.. I was at Justyn's House.. or should I say.. yesterday.. I was half-asleep at justyn's house.. I dont' know why I was so overcome by unbearable sleepiness.. it was sad.. i know we played video games.. but it felt like all a blur.. all i know was that i was happy to be there.. but that's about it.. everything else felt like i was floating in a dream..

Hopefully today.. it'll be different.. i'll be awake.. and alert.. and attentive.. and not falling asleep everysecond that i got..

Sad..

We hit a new mark!

So.. a little update on the J/R Savings Fund.. we hit the $3000 mark the other day.. when i transfered money into it.. it's only been $20 for these last few paychecks.. techically.. if you add it all up.. that means i put in $40 total within the last month.. everyone say "ooh.. ahh.."

I know it's not much.. but every litttle bit helps.. and now that we are starting to talk about wanting to get married.. that.. icky subject of money has come up again.. not as stressful as before.. but.. i mean.. we both know it's there... so i decided to start saving up again.. a little bit at a time.. and it will grow the account.. not as fast as we both want it to grow.. but it's growing nonetheless..

I wish we make more money..

I just don't know how other people are doing it.. get married.. and making as much as we are.. and paying for the wedding themselves.. i don't get it..

If they can do it.. why can't we..

Cuz they aren't worried about living comfortably.. are they not worried about struggling badly financiallly.. i don't get it..

Are we the only careful couple around here??

By golly.. how am I going to do this..

I am so wondering how I am going to manage working with my fingernail..

I am not over-reacting.. and I am not exaggerating.. but this thing hurts like a mutha!!

Oh man.. the fast and the furious..

Paul Walker.. man.. he's a hottie.. woo wee.. I'd do him in a heart beat..

Paul Walker is too hott for words..

I should be reading.. and that's. what i'll do..

Oh man!

The beach.. I want to go to the beach.. but the beach is "dirty".. c'mon now.. the beach is always "dirty" the water will always have something..

Here's a tip..

DONT SWALLOW THE WATER.. and just rince off after wards.. duh!

Harder.. and harder..

It gets harder and harder to leave his house.. all i want to do.. the only place i want to be in.. is somewhere he's at.. i mean.. what i would give if we were just given the opportunity to just live together already.. no.. i'm not trying to pressure us into something we aren't ready too.. and no.. i'm not trying to scare him by my thinking this seriously about everything..

I mean.. I feel most comfortable.. and I feel that I am able to fully express how I feel and how much love I have for him.. whenever i'm with him at his house.. and i'm sure that would be the case if we were living together.. with no one else around..

I have the most fun when i'm with him.. i mean.. we don't even have to be doing anythng out of the ordinary.. simply.. reading together.. playing video games together.. napping together.. that is what i love the most.. being able to do the little things in life with him.. and feel absolutely complete in doing so..

So.. taht's what i mean about.. just wanting us to live together already.. to be able to start that life together already..

And I guess taht's why I tend to push the wedding thing so much.. not entirely cuz i want to be like all my other friends.. that.. honestly.. is PART of it.. but it isn't the majority of it..

I just feel so ready to give myself the rest of my life with him.. i feel like this is what i truly want.. this is what i truly need.. and i hate the fact that i have to wait so long to get it.. and that's why.. that's why i push the wedding thing.. that is why i'm so worried that it'll take longer than we anticipated..

That' is why i'm so weary about waiting til AFTER he finishes his P.T. degree..

A lifetime with him is just barely beyond my reach.. for the first time in the longest time.. i can see that future together.. i remember going through months when i would feel like it was so far away that i couldn't see it anymore.. i see it now.. clearer and clearer.. it's just still too far to touch.. but ti's there.. i know it's there now..

Sigh.. me and metaphors..

Disheartened..

It's a little disheartening to know.. that no matter what I do.. and no matter how I try.. I will never make that woman happy with any decision i make on my own..

If the decision I make caters to her.. and if i do that for the rest of my life.. then.. she'll be happy.. but i'll be miserable and sheltered.. and never know what it would be like to live my own life.. and make decisions on my own.. or know what it is like to live.. at all..

She lets my brother do it..

Why doesn't she ever let me??

I wanna go shopping..

I need to pay my credit card bill.. which i'm very proud.. stayed below $250 bucks this month!

I can save money! I know how to save money! I didn't think I could do it anymore..

But with the "saving money" i also haven't gotten anything new in a long time.. ok.. so i got a dvd and a cd.. that doesn't count.. i'm talking about clothes and shoes.. i got purses.. from my students that gave me gifts at the end of the year.. i started to get teary eyed over it.. they are so sweet..

Anyway.. i guess it's ok.. i have a lot of clothes.. i don't need new ones.. do i?

But they are so cute.. i see them everywhere.. i wish i had more money.. but i'm doing such a good job at saving.. i'm making myself proud.. maybe i'm starting to settle in my money spending ways..

Maybe i'm growing up..

I'm not liking this growing up thing.. too much..

Nobody needs to know...

I've got "the last 5 years" stuck in my head.. but i'm determined not to listen to it.. i should bring my mandy moore cd with me today.. ya.. i'm going to do that.. and ilsten to that.. the one that she sings all those covers of all those old songs.. i got it off of amazon.com..

Anyway.. that's it.. that's the big news.. that's the blogworthy information i have on this lovely tuesday morning.. with four mintues left to blog.. sheesh.. how pathetic am i..

And this is why i usually abandon some of my blog sites.. because there is nothing good to blog about..

I've completely abandoned my friendster blog.. only because i would be giving out notices every time i put something there.. and so.. i decided not to inundate peoples inboxes with alerts of my entries.. when they really didn't amount to anything but complaining about the samething.. over and over and over again..

That is just rude..

Two minutes!

Anyway.. i need to finish the constant gardener movie.. just cuz.. i was actually getting into it.. kinda..

I still don't understand the whole concept.. but i'm sure once i watch the enire movie.. twice.. i'll get it.. it's an independent.. i think.. cuz it's got that independent movie feel.. with the "artistic" camera angles.. that don't quite make sense.. but do.. when you're watching an independent movie..

I don't know.. but it's an ok movie.. i just wanna see where it goes..

So.. when did this happen?!

Um.. ok.. so how in the world did we end up half way through May.. already.. somebody give me all this flying time.. so that I can do something with it.. for goodness sakes.. i swear.. this is so dumb!

I feel like.. nothing is happening in life again.. we're all at a good place.. but we aren't moving anywhere.. finding a good place.. well.. it's good.. but there comes a point in life.. where.. we take that good place.. and move it further..

I just feel like.. we're stagnant..

It's not necessarily bad.. yet.. it's not necessarily good..

You can only stay in one place for so long.. before you start getting impatient..

And I know I should be greatful.. we're all at a good place.. for the most part.. we're all at a good place.. well.. not my parents and i.. were more on thin ice than a good place..

But there are other aspects of my life that are in good place.. and i'd like it to remain good.. but going somewhere.. or.. at least my life.. making something of myself..

I swore to myself that there will be changes this year.. and so far.. there have been.. new job.. and all.. but.. i want more.. i'm always going to want more..

Maybe i should learn to be satisfied with what i have at the moment.. learn to appreciate it a little more before i try to move on..

I've got the whole world..

I wanna watch aladdin.. iv'e been saying it and saying and haven't been doing it..

Justyn's not in the mood for "disney movies" boo hoo! Well.. I wanna watch ALADDIN.. i don't know.. i guess the stress is getting to me.. (no duh!) and now.. i need something to take me away from it.. a happily ever after to give me hope that life CAN and hopefully WILL end up in a happily ever after..

The only person i wanna spend my happily ever after with is justyn.. and yes.. another affirmation..

If that means i have to wait for it.. then.. i have to wait for it..

It was never a matter of getting married.. to get married.. i had a timeline.. and i found the person i wanted to share my timeline with.. and so.. i guess taht's why i wanted to push the married before i'm 50 thing..

But.. if it was to get married for the sake of just getting married.. i would have married any shmuck that came my way..

Not the case..

I don't know.. i'm rambling.. and stuff... it's friday.. ti's allowed!

Sing choirs of angels...

Aha! I made it to this blog site!

Thank you.. thank you..

Ok.. well.. that's it for "big dork rachel"

I think I've officially lost it.. really..

So at work.. to kill time or to divert myself when i don't feel like working.. i've found myself reading "lost" episode recaps.. you know the television show "lost"..

Now.. I know all the characters now.. but i don't know their faces.. so i don't know which actor is playing which part.. which i guess is ok.. it's like reading a book.. i'm imagining it all myself.. and sometimes.. it's better that way.. i have no time to start watching that tv show.. so.. i decided to read the recaps instead.. i mean they are very detailed so that's good.. i get to really imagine what is happening while people just watch it on tv..

Go me.. go me..

Now that I'm all caught up.. however.. I found an online library where I can read books for free off the internet..

Granted.. the reading list isn't that great.. but still.. it's more stuff to add to my list of things that i have read in mylife.. or want to readin my life..

I started off with "aladdin and the magic lamp"

Yes!

Seriously..

How much am I hating where I live right now?

Why the heck is it ALWAYS my stuff that ends up missing in this house.. first.. my camera.. now.. the stupid certificates for my students..

NOW.. I know for a fact that I left them on the table next to the candles.. because all the stuff for my kids was there.. in one place.. for the soul purpose of leaving them all in one place..

I swear.. no one cares about my stuff here.. they all care about my brothers.. but no one cares about mine..

I hate this!

Funny how some songs just stick!

So.. today is Cinco de Mayo.. and it's wierd.. that the song i learned from elementary school about this.. still sticks in my head.. and i think it'll be in my head for the rest of my life.. sad..

Cinco de mayo is holiday time..
Holiday time in Mexico..
Cinco de mayo is holiday time...
To the fiesta we'll go.. go.. go..

And true to my nature.. that is the only thing that runs in my head.. the only section of the song i know.. and the only section that plays like a broken record player..

Someone shoot me..

Ha..

Anyway.. i woke up happy today.. well.. slightly aggitated cuz of the way my dream ended.. it's on my myspace blog.. but.. my dream ended with me knowing i had to clean up and rearrange a mess made by my parents..

but i'm happy cuz i had a good dream about my boyfriend.. it's a bout time.. maybe now the dreams will change..

I love him.. a lot.. and i hate the fact that i'm having dreams about him leaving me.. maybe.. in a way.. i'm still scared it could happen.. but it could easily happen to me to.. i could easily leave him just as easily as he could leave me.. and at this very point in my life.. i don't want to leave him.. and i know that in the future.. i still won't want to leave him.. i should be trusting in him enough to know that he feels the same way.. and for the most part.. i do..

It's just that.. you know me.. i've always had a hard time trusting people and trusting the good in people.. and expecting things from people..

I mean.. that's part of it all.. i want to be comfortable in expecting that he'll follow through on his word of being with me for the rest of our lives.. i want to be comfortable in expecting that he does love me whole-heartedly.. and for the most part.. i do..

I don't know why I am still waiting for that other shoe to drop.. and for everything to fall apart again.. i mean.. we're working so hard to keep things stable.. and i believe that we can do it.. i hate myself for anticipating.. and i'm trying not to.. but.. i don't know.. i keep waiting for it to happen.. even though i know we have a choice of falling into the same hole.. or.. walking away from it..

We've chosen to walk away from it and not make the same mistakes again.. i just hope that.. nothing brings us back..

Maybe now.. i can put in the entry...

Ya.. i can finally access this stupid blogger site.. and i have only three minutes to blog about something significant and important and worth the read..

Sadly.. there really isn't anything quite worth reading.. nor worth writing right now..

I am inspired to write a short story.. but i don't know what about.. i want to write a story about something.. but i have no idea what that something is.. at least Justyn has ideas in his head for a novel.. which could actually turn out quite good.. so.. ya.. he shouldn't let that one go..

Anyway.. i want to write.. but my mind is so blank on what to write about.. that i will just stay here.. with this "want' and wait for the inspiration of a plot to come to me..

I mean.. i'm only going to start with short stories because i dont' think my imagination is capable of writin long novels yet..

Maybe I'll write a trashy romance short story.. about purple-headed lawyers and quivering mounds of love pudding.. hahahaha... justyn'll read it.. for sure!

Ya know!

Man.. it's a good thing that the first blog i wrote in here didn't work.. cuz i was writing in my other blogger blog about total randomness about music and other retardedness..

Haha.. that guy on 24.. his name is Justin.. haha.. it made me think of my boyfriend Justyn... haha..

Ok.. well.. blogger better not have a problem loading up entries.. i have heard of blogger being a pain to people's asses..

Yay.. I'm drinking chamomile tea.. nice.. it's flavored and stuff.. but still.. chamomile makes me sleep.. well.. it's said to make me sleep.. and i'll need it.. cuz i haven't been able to sleep early lately.. and well.. maybe this tea will help..

But i don't like the "vanilla-honey" ness of it all.. it's not that good.. i know that regular chamomile tea is good.. so.. maybe i should let my mom buy regular chamomile tea..

Ya know!

Man.. it's a good thing that the first blog i wrote in here didn't work.. cuz i was writing in my other blogger blog about total randomness about music and other retardedness..

Haha.. that guy on 24.. his name is Justin.. haha.. it made me think of my boyfriend Justyn... haha..

Ok.. well.. blogger better not have a problem loading up entries.. i have heard of blogger being a pain to people's asses..

Yay.. I'm drinking chamomile tea.. nice.. it's flavored and stuff.. but still.. chamomile makes me sleep.. well.. it's said to make me sleep.. and i'll need it.. cuz i haven't been able to sleep early lately.. and well.. maybe this tea will help..

But i don't like the "vanilla-honey" ness of it all.. it's not that good.. i know that regular chamomile tea is good.. so.. maybe i should let my mom buy regular chamomile tea..

I'm in the mood for love..

Committed.. in love.. madly in love..

I truly think.. looking back.. that Justyn is the only guy I have ever been completely honest with about my feelings for him.. sure.. i told my first boyfriend that i loved him.. and at that point in my life.. i thought that we were going to get married.. i was crazy in love with him.. well.. crazy in love with what i had known to be love back then.. completely different now..

But ya.. in as much as i had felt for him.. i even had a hard time saying that i misssed him when he wasn't around..

I remember the first time he went on vacation and he had called me from whereever he was.. i guess he left the phone all disappointed cuz he would tell me that he missed me.. and i would jsut say.. 'ya'.. ok..

I had a hard time opening up and admitting my feelings for that once person..

I guess it had a lot to do with the fact tath i was taught to NEVER let the guy you were with know how crazy you are about him.. cuz he'll take advantage of that and step all over you and go after your sex..

But with my second boyfriend.. we weren't really "committed" so there were no real feeling there to really talk about..

The guy before Justyn.. I actually told him that I liked him.. and that was the extent of my opening up to him.. obviously.. it didn't work.. whatever..

But with Justyn.. i have been able to admit to him that i am completely head over heels in love with him.. and not flinch or get scared taht he might step all over me..

Like he had said.. our relationship is strongly based on words and emotion and actions of love.. not physical lust.. and taht is what i cherish the most about the relationship.. that knowing that just sitting in his room.. watching tv.. with his arm around my waist.. or my head on his shoulder.. is enough to let each other know that we love each other deeply..

Looking into his eyes.. and smiling.. says a lot more about how i feel about him.. than him shoving his tongue down my throat.. although.. that can be nice to.. in a loving sorta way..

So.. i'm blessed.. and lucky to have him in my life..

Your fears.. stirred up my fears..

He loves me.. and he wants to marry me.. I love him.. and my God.. do I want to marry him.. He's the only one I can really see myself spending the rest of my life with.. he has no idea how much I truly love him.. just as he says I have no idea how much he truly loves me..

But he has fears.. and doesn't think he'll ever be "ready" for that big step.. I understand that it's one thing to want something.. but it's another thing to actually follow through and do it.. yet.. he's scared that he'll be too scared to go through with it.. or that he'll never be read to go through with it..

I have fears too.. but with him having these thoughts.. I should be the strong one and comfort him..

I fear what could happen when we do get engaged.. I don't want the same thing that happened the first time to happen again.. and.. what if I'm not ready for a marriage.. I mean.. I do want to get married.. especially to him.. but.. am I really ready for a marriage.. really ready??

But.. is anyone really completely ready? I mean.. there's always that initial doubt that they feel they can really do it.. it's when that fear and doubt take over.. that people leave their fiance at the altar..

And everything about love and commitment is a risk.. I have to jump at that risk.. knowing that the mistakes we made the first time around won't happen again..

Time.. and prayer.. time.. and prayer..

Go ahead.. you know you want to..

Argh.. blargh.. and bleck..

I'm here in my room.. waiting for my hair to dry.. air dry.. ha.. that's stalling to the extreme.. no.. i'll go blow dry it soon.. and get my makeup together.. and all that stuff that comes with preparing for "the big day"..

I swear.. when/if ever.. I get married.. whom ever too.. preferably to my current.. but you know.. whatever.. anyway.. when I finally take that big plunge.. I'm going to try not to let anyone feel the way that i do about this wedding.. i want all the preparation festivities to be enjoyable.. and fun.. and not tacky and lame..

I think I'd want to go to Disneyland during the day too.. for my bachelorette... but i think that I'm end the night with a great trip to a karaoke place.. that would be fun.. so much fun.. maybe.. who knows.. maybe they are all anti-karaoke.. but.. i'm sure that it won't be so bad..

And.. maybe I'd do my bridal shower at that Rancho Cucamonga community center on Milliken and Foothill.. maybe it'll be just the girls.. and it'd be a cutesy lil tea party where everyone has to dress up in little spring dresses.. but that's only depending on when my fiance and i decide to have the wedding..

To save money.. I'd suggest we do it in the off-season..

But.. this is all speculation.. it'd be nice to be able to know for sure that I'd eventually get married.. and if things work out between justyn and i.. we just might..

But.. my life has taken so many twists and turns within the last few years.. i really can't expect anything anymore..

Go ahead.. you know you want to..

Argh.. blargh.. and bleck..

I'm here in my room.. waiting for my hair to dry.. air dry.. ha.. that's stalling to the extreme.. no.. i'll go blow dry it soon.. and get my makeup together.. and all that stuff that comes with preparing for "the big day"..

I swear.. when/if ever.. I get married.. whom ever too.. preferably to my current.. but you know.. whatever.. anyway.. when I finally take that big plunge.. I'm going to try not to let anyone feel the way that i do about this wedding.. i want all the preparation festivities to be enjoyable.. and fun.. and not tacky and lame..

I think I'd want to go to Disneyland during the day too.. for my bachelorette... but i think that I'm end the night with a great trip to a karaoke place.. that would be fun.. so much fun.. maybe.. who knows.. maybe they are all anti-karaoke.. but.. i'm sure that it won't be so bad..

And.. maybe I'd do my bridal shower at that Rancho Cucamonga community center on Milliken and Foothill.. maybe it'll be just the girls.. and it'd be a cutesy lil tea party where everyone has to dress up in little spring dresses.. but that's only depending on when my fiance and i decide to have the wedding..

To save money.. I'd suggest we do it in the off-season..

But.. this is all speculation.. it'd be nice to be able to know for sure that I'd eventually get married.. and if things work out between justyn and i.. we just might..

But.. my life has taken so many twists and turns within the last few years.. i really can't expect anything anymore..

I can do better than that!

Damn it rachel get some sleep.. you're already blogging with your eyes shut.. and despite the fact that your commute is shorter than it used to be.. there is still no point driving it half asleep.. sheesh..

Besides there really isn't anything left to talk about.. other than the fact taht TomKat had their Kitten.. and named it Suri..

Hmm.. I like it.. it's cute..

Suri Holmes Cruise.. not so much..

Suri Viray.. ok..

Suri Dodd.. uh.. NO!

Whatever.. what kinda last name.. otehr than something Japanese can that name sound good with??

April 19th...

Why does this day feel like it should mean something to me?

I know the 19th of every month is Nikko's lil monthi-birthday..

But for some reason.. APRIL 19th.. means something.. but i can't pinpoint what it is.. i don't think it's an anniversary of some sort.. but i'm not sure if it has something to do with my relationship with Justyn or not... I don't think so.. and if i asked him.. he'd say the same thing..

April 19th.. why is it so familiar.. i don't get it.. i don't know what it is..

Maybe it was a day of a party or something when i was growing up and for some reason the date stuck with me.. but then.. if it was when i was younger.. why is it only hitting me now?

Did something happen last year at this time?

Maybe I should look back on blog entries to find out.. but not now.. cuz i have to go.. but this will soooo kill me!!!

This is the world..

Ok.. so.. ya.. fine.. it's fine.. whatever.. really.. it's fine..

I'm not trying to just convince myself.. I really am fine.. and that's that.. really.. it's final.. final.. finished..

Mother's Day is coming up.. I have a $2.00 Hallmark Rewards Certificate.. I should spend it.. I don't know on what.. I don't know what to get my mother.. I guess I could get her the Sylvia Browne book I saw at the Borders.. it'd be something she'd be interested in reading.. and a Hallmark Card..

I want to die..

Life would be so much easier if I wasn't around to live it.. I see that now.. so many people would not be going through so much trauma and drama becuase of me.. if i wasn't around.. life would be more peaceful.. i'd be more peaceful.. i wouldn't be here.. and that's assuring..

I don't know..

I don't know..

Cynical town can be tough on an angel..

Oh geez..

Downloading music can be a bitch.. yes.. i said it.. bitch!

Or is it that I'm just irritated at lots of things right now.. maybe that's it..

Oh well..

I'll just read..

Actions speak louder than words..

Comfort.. that's new..

I guess.. I have to adjust..

So.. I had reached this point in relationships before.. I mean.. you spend four years with someone.. you have no choice but to get comfortable..

But with my ex.. it was a different comfort..

With justyn.. it's a different comfort as well..

With me ex.. the comfort was knowing that we had each other.. all the time.. "had" as in.. someone to always make out with.. someone to always be there... for those instances that you "wanted" them there.. and in his case.. even when I didn't want him there.. in "that" way.. you know.. what i mean...

With Justyn.. it's a comfort in knowing that we can actually sit on the couch.. and watch tv.. and really WATCH tv.. or really WATCH a movie.. comfort in know that we don't have to say a thing to each otehr in the car.. but simply hold each others hand while driving.. and know that im completely safe.. we don't have to talk.. we dont' have to be on each other all the time.. and yet.. i know he still loves me.. and still wants me.. when the time is right..

It's that kinda comfort..

And it's exactly that kind of comfort I had always looked for in every relationship.. and now that I have it.. I'm not used to it.. and it tends to worry me..

It's comfort.. and it's not a bad change.. but it sometimes makes me think that he's losing interest in me.. or in the relationship.. but deep in my soul.. i know that's not the case.. and i have to stop thinking of a relationship as a "beck and call" sexual thing.. I know that in a healthy relationship.. there are just simple quiet moments.. and that those simple quiet moments doesn't mean that he doesn't want me anymore.. or that he's losing interest..

It's those simple quiet moments that we share in which we just enjoy each other's company.. and taht's just as good as making out.. and less energy consuming..

I'm not used to comfort in this manner.. but i do enjoy it.. when i let myself go and stop freaking out about it..

Starting to get used to this thing called "blogging"...

I'm trying to find sometime to get to blogging again.. I know that once I start my new job.. I won't be able to bring my laptop to work with me.. so I'll lose eight hours of good blogging time.. and that's when i used to do my best blogging... I'll have a lot of time to think about things during the day..

And because of that.. i'll have a lot of time to sort out whether or not it's good enough to blog about..

Before.. I would just think of a thought.. and i had the blog entry window at my beck and call.. and i'd just blog blog blog without thinking.. and sometimes a lot of things were blogged about that maybe shouldn't have been blogged about.. or were totally pointless and retarded..

It relieved a lot of my mind tension.. but you know.. that's just how it goes.. i can't become dependent on a computer blogging website... ti's kinda like running away from the issues in my head.. .

I'm learning to face them.. and deal with them.. as they come into play..

Well.. I have to get ready now.. and go find an alteration place for my bridesmaids dress..

HUNGRY!

Ok.. so.. what is up with Father Bob and making Mass freakin' an hour and a half.. ok.. so I understand he has a lot of things to say.. but sheesh.. there's a Spanish Mass at 1pm.. and we're there til 12:30.. and so there's major traffic-age.. and it's not cool.. argh..

And I leave Mass.. so.. farkin.. hungry!!!

How uncool is that?!?!? I'm not amused.. I'm sure he has a lot of great things to say and stuff.. and well.. the more he says.. the more I seem to question him.. and his thoughts about things.. and about why he says Catholics should do this.. or should do that.. or should believe this.. or should believe that..

If he's trying to strengthen faith among the congregation.. he sure isn't helping me.. he's just causing me to question things even MORE!!!

Well.. that's all..

Top of the line.. and totally mine...

I'm home.. on a Saturday.. woop-de-doo..

Anyway.. I'm stuffed and I don't plan on eating any dinner tonight.. I don't want to gain weight.. I need to find an alteration service to hem up my dress.. and there are a million things I need to get done.. so today.. after I do this.. I will get my first load of laundry donee.. and then I will start doing my taxes.. I need to get those out of the way.. the 15th is coming up faster than i anticipated..

I always say that I'm going to get them done as soon as I get my W-2 forms in.. so that I can get my money faster.. blah blah blha..

And I never do..

I'm such a terrible procrastinator.. it's sad.. really..

Oh well.. I think I've complained enough about my life on my other blogs.. taht i have no desire to do such a thing here today.. I dont want to feel like I'm neglecting this blog.. because I'm not.. I like haveing all these blogs at the tip of my finger.. but I've also been spending a lot of my time trying to increase traffic to the two other blogs that i have on blog trafficking sites.. one of them earns money.. so i always look forward to getting that site more hits..

I'm up to $2.00 there.. yay!

Ok.. well.. enough bored rambling..

Torn..

I'm torn.. I'm torn toward the need of a family and a life of my own.. and wanting to further my career opportunities.. and moving forward with myself in that aspect..

I mean.. I know that when I think of it in terms of Justyn and I.. we're not ready.. financially.. we arent ready for that kinda commitment.. a marriage not only needs love, and compromise.. it needs money.. it needs a lot of money.. money that we don't have.. and in order to have that money.. we need to work on it.. and save it up.. and in order to save up money.. we both have to further our careers..

So.. we further our careers..

But.. I'm at that age where marriage and a family are pretty high on my list of things to do in life.. especially since I've finally found the person that I do want to spend the rest of my life with..

Yes.. I guess you can say that I am jealous of my friends that are finally taking that step.. but at the same time.. i know better than to jump to that stage when i'm not financially ready for it.. I know better than to put myself into that sort of situation for the sake of getting married.. I want to comfortably go into a marriage.. i mean.. there will be hardships.. but nothing bad enough to cause too many financial issues..

I'm just torn.. women have biological timelines.. and though i know that i'm still years away from reaching it.. i feel like i'm in my prime.. and a family is so high on my list.. so high.. but so far away..

I want to make something of myself in the world.. I want to be successful in the microbiological field of work.. it's my passion.. but i also want a family to share it all with.. children to call my own.. a husband to love and take care of me.. so that i can be happy and take care of him as well..

I'm ready for that plunge.. my wallet isn't..

Whoa...

So.. I took leaving work harder than I thought. I thought I could easily walk away.. but I spent almost two and a half years there... and I feel like I just went through a wierd break up..

You know.. those kinds where you know.. he isn't going to call you anymore.. and that you won't be seeing each other all the time anymore.. the ones that you know will disappear from you forever..

Sad..

I should be headed off somewhere better.. that's what he's telling me.. that i'm going off to a place where i have many opportunities to grow and learn.. and I will take advantage of that.. I will.. i'm so glad that i didn't have to go through the struggle of find a new job.. for that.. i'm forever greatful..

So begins the next chapter of my life..

Dun.. dun.. dun..

Hey.. what a way to spend a day...

Sunday...

I have another criticizing question about my beloved friends nuptuals... and all the pre-nuptual shin-digging we are about to all partake in..

Why.. oh why.. does she insist on having everything done on a Sunday?!

You know.. I'm the only religious one of the bridesmaids.. and sunday means something to me... but.. alas.. i'm outnumbered by the non-practicing religious people.. so sunday is just another day for them for parties...

At least its' not going to screw up my scheduling.. i hope..

I have church.. so i will go to church before i go to their shin-diggage..

Anyway.. that's pretty much the only thing I have goin' today.. maybe I'll go home and finally get my taxes done.. and that other half of laundry that's sitting in the garage..

There are things that need to be done.. and by golly.. i'll do them!

Spurts of creativity..

World comes crashing down
Open and empty surrounding me
No one to turn to now
And I look up.. and you're all I see

You hold your hand in front of me
I reach out to touch you
Peaceful and calm I become
In me I know the truth

Since when has life been so frustrating..

I would love to enumerate all the good and bad things in my life.. to show myself that there are much more good than there are bad.. and I know that there are much more good.. but it's really hard for me to enumerate the bad right now.. i'm just frustrated.. frustrated with life.. but i know that i shouldn't be.. because there really isn't anything i can do right now to make things better or go my way..

i have three words to say about all this that i'm feeling right now..

I HATE PMS

Friday.. early.. early.. early.. morning..

It's Friday.. normally.. I'd be ecstatic.. but it's almost 2am.. and I'm sitting here.. sleepless..

Sleepless in Fontana.. ya.. right.. whatever..

I'm typing with ny eyes closed hoping to do some multitasking.. sleeping and blogging.. cuz my mind is fully awake.. but my body is physically asleep.. not really.. but it woudllike to be..

Sometimes I feel like I literally don't know what to do with the situation I'm in.. but then I think of the big picture.. of how much I do loe him and how much I do believe that things can work out.. and how much I am willing to see things work out.. and it's like.. ok.. but when you look at now.. and the current.. it really does tend to seem like a hopeless cause..

I mean.. everyone else sees it..

And I'm sure we see it to.. but we just don't believe it..

And maybe that's what matters the most..

It's late.. er.. early.. i can't tell.. but I need to sleep..

Just when I thought..

Just when I thought that I couldn't get outta this "mad at life" look I've had for the past few days.. I go over to Justyn's house.. and well.. I feel better.. I really do.. I mean.. we didn't do anything extra-ordinary.. we went rollerblading.. and we had fun.. and he took care of me.. physically took care of me..

I mean.. he takes care of me.. all the time.. I know he does..

But him.. holding my hand.. making sure I don't go flying off.. holding me tight..

I know.. that I want him to take care of me like that for the rest of my life..

Yes.. i am back..

Ok.. so I'm back to the blogging..

I will try to blog more regularly..

I just downloaded the soundtrack to Jonathan Larson's "Tick, tick.. Boom!" and it's actually pretty good.. it's the pre-cursor to RENT.. so.. there's a lot of it that sounds like RENT.. but not really.. but you can tell the similarities.. so.. ya..

But it is actually pretty good on its own.. I had to read the synopsis in order to understand the context of the songs.. but that was the complaint that a lot of the people that reviewed the soundtrack said.. and so i downloaded it knowing that the show would be difficult to follow.. but the songs were good.. and i agree..

I think it's that Live365 that was screwing up my computer in the first place.. so no more Live365 for me.. at least not on this computer.. cuz i don't want to go through it again..

So.. on blogcharm.. i had posted an entry about the reason's i thought that it seemed that justyn learned more from blogs than directly from me.. I got a mixed comment.. well.. two comments.. one said that it was ok.. the other said it wasn't ok.. so.. i don't know..

If you want to read it.. copy and paste this.. www.blogcharm.com/artsyviray

Read it.. and comment if you want.. i'd like to know what you think..

Ok..

Thank God it's Friday!

I get to go home from work and sleep.. and I plan on doing so too.. finally.. the weekend.. finally..

It's morning right now.. and i"m on my dad's computer.. I'm too lazy to get ready for work.. but I know I have to.. so.. I will in a second.

I swear.. it's weird.. to have so many things on my mind.. and to have them build up.. because I can't blog about them.. and then when the time comes to blog.. it's like.. I can't think of anything.. I don't know if i really like that feeling.. it doesn't leave me very interesting or long blog entries.. so.. whatever..

Justyn and I finally reached our 17 month.. i honestly didn't think we'd get here.. but i'm glad we did.. it's honestly been such a struggle in my head.. just trying to find some safety and some peace.. i'm a little better than i was earlier this week.. i'm healing.. but it doesn't stop the fears.. but they are easily quenched right now.. and i hope they continue to be..

I know he loves me.. and it's getting me by.. i'm learning to not let my own fears get in the way of what i know is true.. it's just that i have to keep repeating things over and over in my mind.. just so that i can calm myself down..

I know that won't last for long.. but it's getting quite annoying.. hee hee..

Blogging.. in the middle of the night..

So.. i'm sitting in my room on my dad's laptop.. much better than sitting at the computer table in the living room.. maybe it's more quiet.. but i feel much better blogging this way than in the other room.. still kinda wierd to be doing so on someone else's computer.. but it's better than the clanging of the desktops keyboard..

I know.. I'm weird like that..

Sometimes.. I honestly wish I could say that I'm 100% back to normal.. but.. i just can't.. i feel like my body.. mind.. and spirit are still recovering.. my emotional being is still so tired from all that went on.. i mean.. it is getting better.. i usually recover quicker from thiss.. but this time.. man.. it's really left me in pieces..

My friend's merged myspace profiles with their boyfriends... I can't even imagine doing that right now.. plus.. it made me realize how much he and i have such different lives apart from each other.. i mean.. we'd like to do as many things together as we can.. but.. we really have different lives.. we still haven't merged yet.. after almost a year and a half.. we haven't merged.. not yet.. we have too many things that are separate..

And a lot of things we are still not ready to connect.. like.. myspace pages..

Too much of our lives is still separate.. even thought we want a lot of it to be together..

Will it ever change.. that's something we'll have to wait and see.. I'd like to see it change.. and maybe that's the next thing we can work on.. hopefully..

Sunday.. sunday.. sunday...

Sunday.. I'm supposed to go to with my mom.. aunt.. and friend to South Coast Plaza.. it's our friends birthday.. and she wants to celebrate down there..

God.. I can't even think of trying to get myself psyched up for that.. especially with all this going on.. and if he hadn't called by then.. how am i gonna get into the mood for it.. hopefully by then.. if he hadn't called yet.. i would be starting to get over it all.. or at least the tears would have stopped falling..

Sunday.. sunday.. sunday.. getting myself ready for sunday.. I don't even want to go.. I haven't wanted to go since I heard it.. before all this started..

Well.. i have to go.. i have to go..

Well.. i know.. it's been awhile!!

Ok.. so i know i haven't been here in awhile.. only because i would run out of things to blog about.. and well.. sorry.. this was usually the last blog to get entered.. and well.. this one and the prayer blog.. but.. i have been trying to think of things to put onto here.. and then.. i'd forget.. and run out of drive.. and then hence the neglect of this blog..

I know.. no excuses.. but.. oh well.. that's life.. i guess..

Oy.. looks like my eye twitch is back.. or it's maybe just for today..

I wish I were more artistic with my blog.. adding poetry.. or witty commentary on certain things.. intelligent reviews on movies.. television shows.. blah blah blah..

This is impossible for a number of reasons...

1. I tend to suck at poetry..
2. I don't watch a lot of things.
3. My opinions are of no importance to anyone..

I best get my blog on!

Oh geez.. haven't been here in a long time.. so.. what's new with me.. not much.. just a lot of soul searching and relationship evaluating.. but nothing new.. on the verge of break up.. and then finding the love once again and knowing that no matter what we go through.. the underlying picture is that we want to be with each other..

Serious relationships are a lot harder than I have ever anticipated..

I want to know everyone's secret.. but then again.. i bet they are just going to say everyting that iv'e heard before.. so it's really not a secret.. they jsut love each other and are willing to go through heaven and hell for that person.. and I feel that way about him.. and i know he feels that way about me.. in fact.. he's felt that about me way before I even allowed myself to feel that way about him.. so in a way.. he's way ahead of me.. ya know?

So.. I know deep down in my heart that this relationship will work.. it's just.. certain head issues get in the way.. and well.. those issues tend to have more of an influence than i have ever thought.. but i do know.. deep down.. that this is where i want to be.. with him.. he is who i want to be with.. and there is no convincing me otherwise..

I don't' know.. i guess.. ultimately.. it's just my fear of everything that could happen that takes over my life.. either way.. we stay together or we break up.. the outcome will change my life for ever.. and it's scary.. change.. change is scary.. good and bad change.. they are both scary.. but a person has to go through that in order to grow..

I'm willing to got hrough that change.. preferable the good change.. ti's just kinda scary looking at the big picture.. scary.. but exciting..

Am I making ANY sense?!?!

I can't stand the distance...

So.. I feel like I'm miles away from him.. even if he's right there next to me.. he says it's only me.. cuz he's not feeling it..

I'm not regretting that I stayed with him.. I'm not regretting that I didn't break up with him.. because I do love him with all my heart.. and when I was with him yesterday.. it was the best feeling in the world.. just to be held by him.. just to hear his voice.. and look into his eyes again.. when i'm with him.. everything seems to fall into place.. and I do feel happy.. and whole..

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm getting tired of him.. but.. I still can't picture my life without him.. and i look forward to hearing from him.. I look forward to chatting with him.. and it makes me sick to my stomach to think of ever breaking up with him.. and when I'm with him.. i know it's definitely not the case.. because I cherish every moment I share with him.. and after we have gotten so close to breaking up.. i know that's definitely what I DON'T WANT... I don't want to be without him.. and i know that very well..

But what is this i'm feeling?!?!

It scares me.. because I only feel this when we aren't together.. it's not that i feel like i don't love him.. because I love him so much.. no matter if i see him or not.. but it's such a nagging feeling.. it's unnerving.. and i don't want to feel it.. because I do love him.. and i know i do.. but i don't know what this is.. it's uneasiness.. it's anxiousness.. it just doesn't feel good..

Should we have broken up? I dont think so.. but.. i don't know what this feeling means..

Am I just traumatized by all that's happened to us? Am I just more cautious again because of what's happened? I know I can't live without him.. then why am I feeling this? Why am I feeling uneasy?

I can picture him in my mind.. and see his face.. and it calms me a little bit.. but i can't shake this feeling.. I want it to go away.. and it does.. when i'm with him..

It's freaking me out and I'm literally freaking out right now.. but I can't break up with him becasue I really dont' want to.. but should we have anyway? I don't know..

I don't want to think of that because I know he does make me happy.. I need to hear his voice right now.. but he's not answering the phone..

Oh my God.. I don't feel it right now anymore.. i just have this desperation to talk to him about it right now.. I don't know..

Talking about it just helped alieve it..

Maybe it's just paranoia.. maybe it's just cautiousness.. maybe it's just fear..