Booooo...

So.. here i am.. at work.. is there anything to do? NO!

Sigh.. it's ok.. i get to color.. i guess.. i'll work on lines a little big.. so i have some purpose.. i have the first two pages of my lines memorized.. then again.. i've never done them with the person i'm supposed to be doing them with.. i just do them in my head.. so we'll see how it goes..

Grr.. my ear is a-buggin'.. oh well.. that's life.. oooh.. body shop e-mail.. hmm..

Gotta go and check it!

Ok.. so this has to stop!

Ok Rachel.. this has to stop.. right now..

No more doubting.. just trust that he does love you.. just trust that he does care.. why are you questioning it? He told you... didn't he.. why must you always try to read people.. geez... you're wrong half of the time!

He loves you.. you love him.. everything is going well.. if you cant' see that.. then you must be stupid.. or you want something bad to happen.. can you just accept that you two will be happy eventually.. can you just accept that you are happy together.. can you just accept that things are working out? Why can't you accept these things..

So what am i gonna do??

There are so many weird things swimming in my head right now.. and it's sad cuz we had such a good time these past two days... i thought i could fully enjoy it.. but i sensed difference.. a difference that i knew was there because of all the issues we've had.. but i thought that i could work through those.. and trust that in the end.. everyting was gonna be ok..

Instead.. they've eaten at me.. through the whole night.. ate at my morale.. ate at my trust that everything was gonna work out in the end.. leaving me like this.. doubtful and scared.. and weighing out my options.. is it worth all of this.. two days of happiness only followed by a week of doubt and uncertainty.. i want to believe it is.. i want to believe that we will get through this..

I have to learn patience.. but it's jsut so hard.. i want things to work out and so i'm goin to stick with it.. but how long can you stick with it before it totally wears you down? When i can't take it anymore and i finallyl give up.. i don't want to.. and i'm going to try not to let it get that far.. but.. i know i have options.. it's just a matter of choosing who/what i'm going to end up with..

I hate when people doubt me..

So ya.. exactly what the friggin' subject line says..

Okay.. so he's my friend.. and we go way back since college.. but that's not really way back considering i graduated last year..

I love my fiance.. duh! So of course I want to get married.. don't tell me I'm not.. I'm going through enough issues with him doubting we'lll get married that I dont' think I need to hear it from other people too.. grrr... aggrevated much!

Prayer.. i need to pray..

Heavenly Father,

Please hear my cries. I'm desperate for Your guidance. I don't know where to turn to anymore. I can only do so much by myself and I don't want to burden Justyn with all my problems. He has his own and he doesn't need me to add to it. I want to trust You and surrender it all to You, but its getting too hard. I need Your help to get through this all. I feel like it's never going to end and I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't want any more tension.. i don't want anymore problems. God, please understand me. I know that there are many other people with problems worse than mine and I feel so selfish for asking for Your help.. but i just don't know what to do. I know You are a compassionate Lord and God.. so please.. show me some compassion.. show me some mercy.. let everything be alright.. let all these hardships be worth it... let me live happily ever after.. Please.. i am begging with all that I am..

I'm so lost right now, God.. please.. guide me on the right path.. show me the way back to sanity and happiness.. i don't know how much more I can take God.. so please.. help me, Lord.. give me answers.. give me peace of mind..

Amen...

Well.. well.. then..

BORED!!! Good gawd.. i'm bored.. i spent an entire 8 hours doing nothing but being on the computer all day.. didn't do a dayum thing.. that is really really sad.; i must say.. i'm wasting away..

On the other hand.. it's kinda nice getting paid for doing nothing all day..

Today is probably one of the most light-hearted feeling days i've had in the longest time.. i'm cherishing these days.. but i'm not gonna sit around and expect a bad day to happen.. cuz i'm going to try something new.. optimism.. it's new to me.. but let's see where this takes me.. who knows.. i might like it...

Restless.. impatient.. in need of change..

I wish I could do something forward.. get a new job.. plan a wedding.. do something.. i'm feeling slightly restless... i need a lil change in my life..,

Okay.. granted.. as a relationship.. we are moving forward again.. and i'm glad.. we're regaining our happiness.. at least i know i am.. i see it in his eyes.. but i also see the doubt and caution in his eyes.. i saw it yesterday.. in the back.. behind all the love i saw.. i saw doubt and caution.. i don't blame him at all.. but i'm going to work hard to get rid of it.. he worked so hard for me.. it's my turn to work hard for him.. it's my turn to be the sure one.. the strong one.. the optimistic one..

I'm scared to optimisitc.. i'm not quite sure how to be optimistic.. i'm not quite sure how to be secure.. i'm not quite sure how to be strong.. but i'm going to do it.. i've been working on it for the last few days.. and i think i'm doing a good job.. it doesn't mean that i'm going to stop being scared.. but i think i can be the person he needs me to be.. i know i can be the person he needs me to be..

it's about time i started carrying my share of the weight in the this relationship.. this is different from past relationships.. it's an engagement.. it's working towards a marriage.. and if we are going to make the marriage work.. i have to learn how to carry my share of the weight.. to do my share of the work.. i can't leave it all up to him.. i can't let him do all the work.. it isn't fair to him.. and it won't make the union of our lives work.. it's a team effort.. and i have to be a team player..

I learned that now.. and i'm learning how to do it.. i just need his support and i need his help.. and i know he's willing to give that to me..

And that's the change in my life.. that's the movement i've been looking for.. it's been right there the whole time.. i've just been too stupid to see it..

Ten more minutes!

I get to start heading home in ten minutes.. finally.. today was full of nothing.. i finished all taht i needed to do in a few hours.. leaving the rest of the day to do nothing but blog and surf and chat..

I'm sleepy too.. so that doesn't help much..

I'm itching to do something.. i don't know what to do.. but i wanna do something.. go out somewhere.. hang out with people... fun stuff and take pictures.. make memories.. do something.. i'm tired of work.. home.. theater... yoga.. routine.. i need activity.. sigh...

I'm feeling bored again..

I'm sleepy!

Oh good Lawdy.. i'm sleepy.. but what's new.. i'm always sleepy..

I went to bed early yesterday.. in bed by 11pm.. so that was good.. but i'm still sleepy.. i woke up this morning dreading the work day today.. it's monday.. i hate mondays.. and really didn't help that my boss was in 'nag-mode' today.. nag.. nag.. nag.. that's all he did.. it was a pain in the crotch! I swear!

I'm so ready for a new job.. but i wanna see what kinda offer they are going to give me here.. i've got almost two years experience in this place.. and considring i do a big majority of the things in the lab.. i should be able to get a considerably large salary.. if not.. then i'm outta here cuz even if i'm not gonna make a whole lotta money for a nother company.. if God permints I get Amphastar.. i'd be sooo close to home.. that would be awesome!

I'm in bed!

Ya.. so a friday night.. i'm in bed before midnight.. i'm gettng old..

I don't know if i'm gonna see justyn this weekend.. i don't think i am.. and that sucks.. cuz at this really fragile time.. i need to have his physical support.. but i'm being optimistic.. i had a good day today and so i think i can get through the weekend strictly by phonecall..

Today was bearable.. i know that i'm still in my hole.. but i saw the light at the end of it.. the climb was a lot easier.. my body didn't feel as heavy.. i felt like i climbed a lot.. i'm hopeful today.. today i feel like i can get through everything...

I hope this feeling lasts for awhile..

I hated how i felt yesterday.. i wanted to give up so bad.. i wanted to fall back down to the bottom of the hole and stay there for the rest of my life...

Talk about ups and downs! Yesterday seemed like the ultimate down.. therefore.. i belive that it's all uphill from here.. i hope!

Flippin' spaz!

My tummy growled.. i think it's hungry...nevermind.. left over Juan Pollo.. riiight..

So.. working.. that's what I'm doing.. just working..

Nothing better to do than blog.. just blogging.. actually I have a lot to do.. but so my timers gonna go off.. i better get back to worky work..

Aha! It works!

I think this is the one that was all messed up this afternoon. I don't remember anymore... that seemed like it was hours ago.. days ago.. years ago even!

Sigh..

I know my body is getting sleepy. I sense it in my eyes. They are getting heavy. But my mind and my heart are wide awake. My mind is racing with many, many thoughts. I don't understand. I feel a lot better than I have in awhile. But i still feel very heavy hearted. There is still that lump that sits in my heart and in my soul. It's been torn at a little and has shrunk a tad. But it's still there. Hindering a complete recovery. But it's not stopping my love for Justyn. Though it still plants ideas in my head..

Ideas like he really doesn't love me anymore. Like he wants to leave me. That he's going to break up with me. He's going to hurt me. He's going to break my heart.

I know he loves me. I believe it everytime I hear him say it. I believe it when he wraps his arms around me. I believe it when his lips touch mine. I believe it when I look into his eyes. But when I don't hear him.. when i don't see him.. the ideas come back.. the fears come back..

I used to be so secure.. what happened???

Wired..

Dang coffee! I'm wired.. and it doesnt' help being wired while in the mental state i'm in... i'm now anxious.. and my mind is racing.. i need to do someething.. but i have nothing to do.. i need to say something but i have nothing to say.. i need to hold something but there is nothing to hold.. i need to be with someone but theres no one around..

I need calmness.. i need peace.. just for a little while.. i'm begging to the powers that be.. give me peace and quiet and happiness for a little while.. i need to rest.. please.. just let me rest.. just even for an hour.. don't make me think.. don't make me dwell.. just for an hour.. let me be ok...

I need him..,.

Gary Valenciano - I will be here

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I...I will be here

If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I...I will be here

I will be here...
When you feel like bein' quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winnin' and losin' and tryin'
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I...I'll be here

Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I...I will be here

I will be here....
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you

And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you and to the
One who gave you to me

I...I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
'Cause I...
I will be here....
We'll be together, forever

'Cause I will be here

I want this song to come true.. that's why.. when things work out.. and we're getting married.. i want this song playing.. i want someone to sing this song.. because it means more to me now.. than it has ever meant before..

die, bitch, die

ok.. sounds like a plan....

I hate printers..

I think they suck! Big time! Good lord.. now.. usually.. i'm happy when i have something to do.. well.. not too happy.. but happy enought that i'm doing something productive instead of sitting on my ass all day doing not a damn thing.. but that's when everything is working properly..

IT"S NOT!

The printer is on friggin' crack.. i friggin' swear! OMG.. i'm gonna kick it in the ass.. if it had an ass..

Working Rachie is not a happy camper.. not at all.,. booo!!!

Let's get drunk!

Um.. ya.. we've got a large keg of water.. woo hoo.. good times.. good times..

I'm so sleepy.. i can't wait for Wondu to leave so that i can take a nap until i get to go home...

I'm going through my blogs.. one by one.. and i usually can find somthing intersting to type about.. but i have nothing to day.. abandoning all the problems and thoughts that run through your head really don't leave you much stuff to write about.. ya.. i am coming up with nothing..

Hmm.. let's see..

So i'm gonna go to 'unattainable goals' birthday party on sunday.. i've got some mixed feelings over it.. i mean.. it is my 'unattainable goal'.. and it was by far the biggest crush i've ever had in my life.. but i know that i've moved on.. and well.. he never knew how i felt.. so he obviously has a life of his own.. without me or even a tiny thought of me..

There was no way that we would have been togheter.. at all... i don't even know him other than what i see.. i see him and i think he's cute but i have no idea what kind of personality he has.. what his likes and dislikes are.. i base my 'love' on the fact that he looks good to me.. i have no idea what his beliefs are.. what his morals are.. if he like kids.. if he drinks.. if he smokes.. nothing.. i know nothing.. yet i used to be absolutely in love with this guy..

Young love really is strange...

A new pope.. a new beginning.. not just for Catholics.. but for all..

Ya.. well.. we have a new pope.. scary.. but change is always a little bit scary...

Thinking about it.. maybe i'm still adjusting to the changes that have happened in my life over the past half a year.. i mean.. i started a new relationship.. and that relationship ended up being way more serious than i thought. This is the relationship that i have been waiting for all my life..

I truly believe I found the one i'm gonna marry.. and i will marry him.. i have the ring to prove it.. hee hee.. i always thought i'd be completely ready when this guy came along.. i'd be ready to settle.. i'd give my all wholeheartedly.. i'd be so in love and in such bliss..

But i'm not.. i mean.. i'm totally happy.. but i find myself so scared about it all that i find ways to push him out of my life.. i don't mean it.. i really don't want him to go.. but my fears get the best of me.. the unknown is truly a scary place.. not knowing the future.. not knowing what married life is really all about.. not knowing true adulthood.. ya.. that's a scary thing.. but i'm sure he's scared about all of that too.. i'm sure he worries about how our lives are gonna be.. it was a change for him too.. not just me.. he apparently just handles change much better than i do..

All this insight from the election of the new pope.. hmm...

Oooh blogging!

Oooh I'm blogging.. everyone loves it.. everyone craves it.. they all wanna know what's going on in my lfe.. and life is good.. ya right

I'm sitting in Chino.. watching my SPIRITS... yay.. happy...

I'm officially bored.. and i'm not gonna see Justyn all the rest of the weekend.. that kinda sucks.. we've spent almost every weekend with each other.. we usualy spend two outta the three days together.. but this time we'll be apart... hmm.. that sucks..

Okay.. i'm done blogging..

What I need now.. is love.. sweet love..

It's the only thing.. that i'm just.. not sure of..

Seriously.. when you love someone.. you know it.. and i know I do.. but gosh.. it's so hard..

Marriage is a huge step.. and sometimes i wonder if he's ready.. i know i'm ready.. i think i've been ready for years now.. maybe at 19 and 20 and 21 i wasn't.. but i knew that i would be ready around 22, 23... i'm graduated.. i have a full-time job.. and i'm 24.. i've never been more ready.. i just knew that when i found the right guy.. that marriage would be the next step and i'd totally be ready and not scared..

Did i find the right guy? He wants to marry me as much as i wanna marry him.. but like i keep saying.. wanting is very different than being ready.. there;s a maturity level that comes with marriage.. is he there? I know with the financial thing.. we both have to wait.. things are in limbo where i work.. and if plans don't work out.. then i'm gonna change jobs.. and he's graduating later this year.. and if God allows.. everything will work out for us financially..

So i guess i'm saying i'm over the financial aspect of the problems we are having.. patience is the keyword in that dilemma.. and i just hope and pray that when he does graduate... everything will work out for us financially.. if not.. well.. then.. like here at my job.. i'll have to move on because it's for the best... as much as i love it where i work.. i cna't spend the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.. so.. the same goes for the relationship.. as much as i love him.. if things don't work out.. i can't spend the rest of my life waiting for that final moment of financial stability.. it may never come.. and my life would have been wasted.. and as much as that would hurt.. moving on is what is the best thing to do.. make sense???

And i'm not saying that if he doesn't get a good paying job a week after he graduates that i'm out the door.. it's not that.. if he's really trying hard to find that.. and if he has to start at the bottom and really work his way up.. then that's what he has to do.. and i'll be right there beside him.. every step of the way.. but if not.. then.. i have to be strong and go to where I can be comfortable.. its just the reality of life..

I guess the only aspect of my issues now is his maturity level.. he is probably one of the most mature people i've been with.. to a degree.. I know he can be mature when he wants to be.. and i know he is a mature person.. but is he mature enough for marriage..

With marriage comes a certain type of maturity.. i'm not too sure if he has that or not.. sure he's willing to work hard and he's got drive.. but there are also other responsibilities in making a marriage successful and it takes a certain kind of maturity to handle it all.. i really don't think he's showed me if he has it..

And it's not like I know what exactly i'm talking about.. i don't know how to describe it.. i don't know what it actually entails.. but it something you just know when you see it.. you know that he has it.. and i don't know if he does.. honestly.. i don't..

Oh.. gosh.. i don't know what to do.. the wedding isn't until a year and a half away.. there is still plenty of time to get to know each other.. and the more i get to know.. the more i fall in love.. but.. maybe my falling in love is blinding me.. i wish i knew what to do..

What now?

What do we do now? We're together.. but not really.. i just need to be unattached.. but i'm still attached.. i'll call him my fiance but to me we are only friends... what is this? Why am I putting myself through this? Why am i putting him through this?

Theres too much going on.. there's so much stress and drama.. if i don't give us the space now.. i'm gonna get so fed up.

Things will be worse than they already are.. i don't want to lose him.. i don't want to lose him at all.. i love him.. i love him so so so much.. i don't want to be without him.. but... its really dangerous to love someone this deep.. it's dangerous to love someone as much as we do.. there must be a such thing as loving someone too much..

I don't know what to do.. i'm so confused! so very very confused!

It's not what i want.. baby it's you..

I have to remember to bring home that ray charles cd that i burned for justyn.. knowing me.. i'm gonna forget again..

Five minutes til my timer goes off... then i have to do something in the lab for a minute! Geez.. then i get to wait another fifteen minutes.. then wait another fifteen minutes.. then i'm done.. that stupid assay takes forever!

Good gawd.. okay.. check this out...

There are 24 hours in a day..

I sleep for 6 hours (i always want more.. but that seems to be the average)
I drive a total of 4 hours a day.. if i'm lucky..
I work 8 hours a day.. if i'm not lazy..

That's a total of 18 hours out of the 24 hour day... that leaves... 6 hours of nothing time..

But...

On yoga days.. I use 1.5 hours of the 6 hours... leaving 4.5 hours of nothing...

What can be done in that amount of time??? Wedding planning??? In 4.5 hours??? Ya.. riiight...

I'm going to rip my nose off!

My goodness.. my nose is sooo dang itchy! I hate allergy season.. i used never be this bad.. i guess it comes with old age..

Sometimes I wish I understood life better.. I wish I could see my future.. to see if i'm really going to end up with who I want to end up with.. to see if all this effort and this stress is worth it because we will live happily ever after...

I love him.. i really do.. and I know.. that without a doubt.. that he loves me too.. but i know that love isn't enough.. there are other aspects of life that can make a marriage be successfull... love is a big part.. but it's not all there is..

I just don't think its fair.. sometimes i feel like everyone else's lives are better than mine.. it doesn't seem like everyone else has to go through all that i have to go through.. my cousin's seem to have it easy.. they didn't have to struggle to start a life with their significant other.. they didn't have to go through half of the stuff i have to go through.. they seemed to have it all.. even my brother seems to have it better than me. He doesn't seem like he has to suffer through as much stuff i have to.. he's doing fine..

I thought i was doing fine.. i have a good job.. i have a loving fiance.. but i suffer.. i suffer over the wedding.. i suffer over thinking about how i'm gonna be married.. i suffer with the doubts i have that we can actually pull it toether to make a life for ourselves..

I hate this.. i hate this realization.. but it had to be made eventually.. right?

So geez.. man!

So im supposed to stay away from SuperBrain.. is it my fault I found him on myspace? It was an accident.. i was just looking for other friends to add to my list.. i never in my wildest dreams thought i'd find him on myspace.. so i was uber-surprised to see him on that..

It's Superbrain! I've had a crush on him for about two years now.. but it's not going to amount to anything because im in love.. and being in love is way better than having a crush on someone.. and Superbrain is more the 'outta sight.. outta mind" type.. it doesn't matter to me if i see him..

He has his own life.. i have my own life.. kinda like my 'unattainable goal'.. we have our own lives and truth be told.. we do not know each other at all.. all we know is what we see of each other when we do see each other.. which is rarely..

I guess i can stay away.. but if i go to the pharmacy.. i have to talk to him.. he's an old friend of sorts.. we've known each other almost 20 years.. we met in the first grade and we were about 5 or 6 years old.. ya.. about 20 years now.. gawd-dang! That is a long time to know someone.. he's probably one of my oldest friends.. if we are even considered friends in the first place.. hmmm???

I can't shake this.. it's driviing me crazy!

I'm scared.. literally scared.. i don't want him to leave.. i dont' think i've ever fallen this far in love with someone before..

Clean-up time.. clean-up time..

So i might have dinner with a friend next Wednesday.. i hardly ever see him cuz he lives in another state.. but he's a good friend of mine and i miss hanging out with him.. he was our FlagBoy in highschool cuz he always carried our flag-bags for us.. he was a really sweetheart..

Needless to say.. my high school boyfriend hated him.. loathed him.. did not agree with our friendship.. well.. my high school boyfriend didn't really agree with any of my platonic friendships.. he was a jerk..

Well.. i just told Justyn about my dinner with my friend.. and he says he's nervous.. he has no need to be.. but i guess that if i were in his shoes i'd be nervous too.. i guess the thought of the person you love spending time with another guy/girl.. whatever the case may be.. I guess i'd be nervous.. i guess i don't blame him.. but i know he trusts me and nothing is gonna happen cuz i have it all under control.. i'm not gonna do anything to ruin my relationship... i'm way too in love to do something stupid like that..

Sigh...

I don't wanna tell him.. so i'll say it here...

I HATE HAVING THAT STUPID WEDDIING BURDEN ON ME! I HATE KNOWING THAT I'M THE ONLY ONE SAVING RIGHT NOW!

My diary...

Found superbrain on myspace yesterday.. i think hes seeing someone.. not that it should bother me.. cuz it doesn't.. not really.. i mean.. i have a fiance and i'm marrying the greatest guy to come into my life..

But i mean.. this is superbrain! If you only knew how big of a crush i had on him.. quite recently too.. and i still get a lil flustered going into the pharmacy if i know he's there.. stuff like that doesn't go away that quickly.. don't get me wrong.. i'm totally in love.. totally.. but.. this is superbrain..

I put the idea in my head that it would be absolutely the best thing to happen to me if he and i were to walk into our ten year high school reunion together.. married.. with a kid.. that would be totally the greatest thing.. but it's not ever gonna happen.. and i'm okay with it..

But this is like when i had that crush on the 'unattainable goal'... it took me years to fully get over it.. and i know i'm totally over that guy.. even when i see him.. or he comes up to me to say hi and gives me a kiss on the cheek.. it doesn't mean a thing.. not a damn thing.. but superbrain.. this is gonna take awhile..

I'm too scared to make myspace contact with him.. so it's probably not gonna happen.. oh well.. that's life.. i gotta learn to let these things go.. if only it were that easy...

I'mma go cra-zay!

It's Monday.. yes.. i have the case of the Monday's.. booo... hiss.. grr...

So.. anywhoo...

Let's see.. this weekend was awesome and mucho tiring.. I guess it's a bad idea to work your ass of in yoga on Thursday only to walk around for what seems like three days in a row..

Let's recap..

FRIDAY
I went to DDLand. Fun, fun, fun.. yet that was when i first felt the signs of old age... I actually burned out and got tired! Can you believe that? I've always been able to run around those kinda places with left over energy to go shopping afterwards.. or stay out and do some more stuff.. nope.. not this time.. this time.. all i wanted to do was go home.. I guess it didn't help that I missed Justyn and wished he was with us and so i was just thinking about spending time with him.. ya.. well.. what can ya do?

Saturday
Woke up early to go with Justyn on our lil six month anniversary excursion. Had uber amounts of fun spending the entire day with him. Walked around the Huntington Library thingy and whoa.. felt like I was walking about 50 miles that day.. but totally worth it to spend the day with Justyn... and i also got my engagement ring on Saturday.. it was romantical.. i totally got the butterflies in my tum-tum again when he asked me to marry him.. again.. gosh.. he can ask me that question about fifty million times and every time i think i'll still get that shaky feeling in my stomach.. i loved it.. i love him.. he's amazing.. sigh..

Sunday
Went to church and then shopping for stuff.. so i walked another total of 50 miles.. went home and veged for the rest of the day.. tried to watch Donnie Darko.. again.. to no avail.. did not understand it.. again.. could not understand it.. again.. oh well.. that sucks.. must try one last time.. but not anytime soon.. my brain is too fried..

So those are the events of the weekend past.. good times.. good times...

I'mma go cra-zay!

It's Monday.. yes.. i have the case of the Monday's.. booo... hiss.. grr...

So.. anywhoo...

Let's see.. this weekend was awesome and mucho tiring.. I guess it's a bad idea to work your ass of in yoga on Thursday only to walk around for what seems like three days in a row..

Let's recap..

FRIDAY
I went to DDLand. Fun, fun, fun.. yet that was when i first felt the signs of old age... I actually burned out and got tired! Can you believe that? I've always been able to run around those kinda places with left over energy to go shopping afterwards.. or stay out and do some more stuff.. nope.. not this time.. this time.. all i wanted to do was go home.. I guess it didn't help that I missed Justyn and wished he was with us and so i was just thinking about spending time with him.. ya.. well.. what can ya do?

Saturday
Woke up early to go with Justyn on our lil six month anniversary excursion. Had uber amounts of fun spending the entire day with him. Walked around the Huntington Library thingy and whoa.. felt like I was walking about 50 miles that day.. but totally worth it to spend the day with Justyn... and i also got my engagement ring on Saturday.. it was romantical.. i totally got the butterflies in my tum-tum again when he asked me to marry him.. again.. gosh.. he can ask me that question about fifty million times and every time i think i'll still get that shaky feeling in my stomach.. i loved it.. i love him.. he's amazing.. sigh..

Sunday
Went to church and then shopping for stuff.. so i walked another total of 50 miles.. went home and veged for the rest of the day.. tried to watch Donnie Darko.. again.. to no avail.. did not understand it.. again.. could not understand it.. again.. oh well.. that sucks.. must try one last time.. but not anytime soon.. my brain is too fried..

So those are the events of the weekend past.. good times.. good times...

How'd I end up here?

My other computer is busy.. the office computer is busy searching for stuff... and i have to pee.. the drowning therapy is back in effect and i've so far had two glasses of water and my bladder is crying! Okay.. i'm back.. but i forgot to pee.. oh well..

Sometimes I wish I had a new life.. i wish I have the guts to just pack up my stuff and go.. i wish I didn't feel guilty about leaving everything behind.. I wish I had the guts to tell some people that I'm gonna live my life the way I want to and if I make mistakes then it's my fault.. I wish that they'd understand my need for independence.. I wish they'd understand that I do have my own life and so far.. i haven't screwed it up too bad.. I wish they's stop concentrating on the mistakes i have made and see that I am turning out to be alright.. i can live on my own.. i can manage.. i just wish some other people can see that...

Sigh... what am i?

There are so many things I want to do in my life.. i want to be famous.. i want to write a book.. i want to make an impact on this world.. but i haven't.. and i really don't think i'm going to.. i want my own food business.. i want to be recognized.. i want to be a household name... i just want to make something of myself.. but i don't think its gonna happen.. i'm gonna be average.. i don't wanna be average.. i just don't wanna be the ho-hum next door neighbor in a neighborhood.. i want people to know i live there... i want attention... i wanna be above average..

Am i egotistical?

Do I even know?

Do I even know who I am anymore? What's happened to everything.. it's not the same anymore and it's scaring me..

When did my life take a turn for the worse again.. things were looking up.. i was finding the happiness that I have been searching for.. but.. it's going away.. i'm losing it.. i'm losing my happiness.. i'm losing the drive to search for it.. i'm losing the strength to hold on to it.. and it's slipping through my fingers.. all the happiness that I searched so hard for.. that i thought i found.. gone..

Maybe it wasn't really happiness.. it was pain. masked in happiness... maybe that's what it was.. maybe i haven't been happy all this time..

God.. take my burdens... or just take me away...

I'll start here today!

Well.. the blogging starts here..

What do you do when you reach your breaking point? What happens when you just can't take it all anymore? What happens when your world totally collapses and you're buried alive and there is no way you can get out? Who saves you then?

Missin' out on the kiddies..

We ended up going home at 3 in the morning cuz my mom wasn't feeling good.. so i'm missing out on the kiddies.. i'm missin out on watching the lil Tot-Monster walking arund and stuff.. i'm misssing out on which that lil ZZ-head play with all th toys i got..

Oh ya.. reminder.. i need to burn the ssecond dvd of the incredibles because they want to see what happened to jack-jack...

Things are going a lil better with Justyn... we are getting over the drama that happened.. it's a lil slow but at least it's progress... i love him and that's the most sure i've ever been..

Sigh.. i kinda still wish i was in ?Thousand Oaks... i miss those kids so much.. and i only got to watch miss Totot sleep and ZZ play for a lil bit.. he did show me his new bunk bed thingy and i thought that was cool.. he truly is getting older and it's making me feel older and more nostalgic to what he used to be.. i miss him as a baby.. i miss him when he was the lil bulilit's age.. sigh.. i feel old.. when he turns ten.,. i'm turn thirty.. so ya.. i'm obviously gonna be really old..

Okay..i have nothing else to say..

Suffering..

.. from extreme boredom and restlessness..

I'm becoming anemic from the massive monthly i'm experiencing right now.. light headed and nauseus... however it's spelled.. i'm not feeling good at all.. although i know i'd rather be feeling this than other things that could have been happening.. thank God!

I'm taking a break.. i deserve it.. i've been working non-stop.. i should take a brain break.. and just blog.. that's all..

I think I'm gonna go crazy soon.. i'm restless.. i think i'm just gonna bleed to death.. that would be nice.. then i'd be dead.. the ultimate goal in this situation, right? Well.. we'll see...

Usually when it's this strong., it ends fairly quickly.. sigh...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Dear Lord,

Thank you soo much for answering our prayers. We know that what we promised, we definitely can fulfill because we both made this vow to You and we believe in You and trust in You and we don't want to let You down. You have made us very, very happy.

I am now suffering from cramps Lord, but this pain is nothing to the pain that could have happened if our prayers were not answered. You truly are a compassionate Lord that shows Your love to all your children. I could not have asked for a better Lord.

Thank You for answering our prayers. We are going to fulfill our promise to You, no matter how much the temptation, we will be strong enough to resist because we made this vow to You. We won't do it until we get married, and that is our solemn vow.

Why me???

Why do i always have to go thru this? Why do i have to suffer my way thru life? Why does it always have to be me? Why am i always being punished? Why does my life have to be one big stressball???? Why cant i ever be happy? Why cant i ever have a relaxing life? Even if its just for a little bit. Why does it always have to be one after another.. a trial after trial after trial... when do i get to rest? When can i just be happy? When can i just relax?

Why me? Why me?

I'm scared.. i'm late.. i'm late.. i'm late..

I'm later than i thought i was.. three days.. i hope it's just the stress.. i hope it doesn't mean anything.. oh gawd.. oh God.. please.. now is not the time for this.. but the more i'll worry.. the more stress it'll bring.. and the later it will come.. no no no.. this can't be happening.. please please.. not now.. this is not a good time... please Lord.. not now.. please.. not now...

We aren't gonna do it anymore.. we swear to you.. we'll make a solemn vow.. we won't do it.. we won't.. not until we get married.. please God.. you give me this one chance and i swear to you.. no matter how bad we want to.. we won't.. we won't do it.. we swear.. please God.. don't let this happen to me again.. please.. now is not the time.. You know this.. You of all people know this.. please.. let me get it today.. and I swear to You.. from my entire heart and soul.. we will try our hardest to not do it.. no matter how fierce the temptation.. we won't.. please God.. hear my prayer... please.. please.. please..

Amen

Wheezy...

I feel like that penguin in toy story 2.. wheezy.. that kept weezing... lol..

Justyn... sigh... what am i gonna do... i love him.. i know that for sure... i have no doubt in the world that he loves me.. i do wanna spend the rest of my life with him.. but sometiems i don't know if a marriage would work between us.. is that just having cold feet or am i thinking realistically... i don't know..

We have so many differences in opinion... are we gonna be able to resolve thenm before we get married.. or do we have to sturggle to find a happy medium in married life...

No one ever said that married life and marriage was gonna be easy,... but wouldn't it be better if it were???

I am convinced..

I am sooo convinced that life refuses to make me happy.. if it isn't my parents.. then it's other things.. beyond my control.. life refuses me happiness.. it's like i'm cursed.. it's like someone is set out to get me.. find me.. and when i'm happpy.. shoot me down and make me completely miserable.. i'm convinced.. life hates me.. i hate me.. i hate my life.. so i guess we are both on the same page..

Maybe itd be easier if i were dead...

He drives me absolutely nuts!

Argh.. sometimes i dont know how i handle it?!?! It gets out of hand and then it drives me crazy to the point that i don't even wanna hang out with him all that much...

But then.. things get better and all i wanna do is hang out with him.. argh.. i'm just not gonna think about it.. he just tends to get jealous over stupid things.. i'm not gonna think about it.. it's retarded.. he's retarded.. but i love him so i'd have todeal anyway..

Look! It's the backstreet boys as cartoons!

Sigh.. finally...

A breathe of relief... i can rest.. for about ten minutes.. then i have to clean up.. man.. i did it.. finally.. it's done.. it's out.. yipee...

I'm listening to 'my boo'... ya.. it's a jam...

I should totally clrean this place up and personalize it.. but if everything works out.. i'm gonna have an office mate.. so i can't totally personalize it.. but i should pictures and posters.. make it pleasant.. not so 'officy' like.. ya know? i dunno.. that's a lot of work.. and i have so much junk to do as it is... i guess as long as it's neat then we dont have a problem.. but it isn't neat.. so we have a problem.. lol..

I have nothing good to blog about.. i should just go...

Another day.. another dollar...

Sigh... so i'm getting ready to finish off this garsh darn shopment.. FINALLY... so i should go.. i'll be back.. maybe when i finish...

God, give me strength...

Lord Jesus Christ,

Why don't You ever give me the strength to resist the temptations that You put in front of me? Am I just that weak of a person that cannot handle being strong enough to say no? Lord, I really wanted to say no. I did.. but other things took over me. I couldn't stop myself Lord. Please, give me strength for next time and the time after and the time after.

Lord, I want to say no. I'm offering to You my strength and my weaknesses. I trust that You can help me overcome these temptations until it is proper and right to do these acts. Lord, I feel so guilty because I know that it is not proper in Your eyes to do the things I've been doing. Please Lord, help me. Guide me. I offer all these burdens to You.

Amen.

There must be someting wrong..

I don't feel good.. in the heart.. in the soul.. i have this dark cloud hovering over me and it constantly follows me.. reminding me of how crappy life is.. reminding me how i'm never gonna be happy.. reminding me that although the skies are clearing up outside... that the skies in my life will never clear.. i'm always gonna be dark.. it's always gonna be cloudy.. it's always gonna suck...

My life is always gonna be sad...

My head hurts.. i wanna cry...

Dare i?

ha!. i will not use capital letters in my blog today. i will just use lower case letters cuz i'm cool like that. i am also very bored. i have less that a minute. then i have to go.. in 10 seconds...

ok.. i'm back.. for about ten more mintues then i have to go back again...

i have a massive headache.. i don't feel so uppedy... i'm tired.. i wanna just sleep... oh well.. so much for that plan.. i'm so busy.. i have to go to the theater tonight.. i'm still hoping that the show will be cancelled due to rain.. i really hope thats gonna happen... sigh...

oh well...

Jack Handy is a genius!

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

Yup.. he's so funny.. i like him...

Ooh "she's all that" is on the television..

I'm so sad.. my brother and mother went out to the LA art museum.. i wanted to go so bad... i love the art museums... i loved the getty museum.. it was awesome.. it was so pretty... geez.. i wanted to go.. i like looking at that stuff.. now granted.. i have no idea what the styles are and who the artists are and what not.. but i think it's so awesome to look at...

Okay.. i'm done complaining...

Avenue Q!

I got the Avenue Q soundtrack.. heee hee.. it's funny...

Sigh.. i feel swamped at work today.. but it's okay cuz i'm catching up and it's all good... so.. ya.. i'm gonna go..

I'm.. eh...

So.. i'm here.. with time to blog.. but nothing to blog about.

I'm talking to my friend, Kar-el, on the computer... we are chatting about stuff in general... ya.. i have nothing interesting to really talk about cuz nothing interesting really has happened..

I've been spending most of my time on pinoyexchange.com and joining in on the forums there cuz they are interesting and it's a bunch of the same people liking the same thing.. so that's what i've been doing.. i've so far been in discussion forums with backstreet boys fans.. bea fans.. bea and john lloyd fans.. and christian bautista fans.. it's great...

I'm outs...

I'm sighing cuz there is nothing to do...

I'm at work and there is nothing to do! I did all i needed to do and there isn't anything I can do about the two pending orders we have because their situation is beyond the realms of what i am able to do...

It's gloomy outside and i'm kinda hungry..

Sigh...

So let's see.. what's new in my life? Nothing much.. it's valentines day today and well.. i don't believe in it so it doesn't matter...

Justyn and I are doing fine since we got off of the break.. it gave me more perspective toward out relationship and how much i really do care about him and how much i really do wanna spend the rest of my life with him and how right it all feels and that i'm not making a mistake..

I'm sleepy.. i wanna take a nap.. but i'm at work and that's not good...

I guess i'm gonna find something to do..

Suddenly..

Suddenly I'm sane again... all it took was that phone call and now.. my life is better... i feel the residual stress... the tension is someting that wont' totally go away... i have a hard time concentrating on my breath in yoga class... and my neck and shoulders are the worst.. i'm having trouble sleeping.. but.. my soul feels lighter.. i feel lighter.. more complete...

I'm glad i called him...

Oooh.. i'm back.. i'm back.. i'm back... i'm back..

I called him... and we are all good together... i love him.. and YAY!

Crazy crazy crazy...

Gosh.. i wanna call him.. its nagging me.. it's the strongest urge ever! I wanna be back in his arms.. i want him to hold me.. i want him to squeeze me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay.. i wanna go back.. i wanna know that he's there for me.. i don't wanna be away anymore.. oh my God.. this is hard...

I thought i was gonna have a good day today.. i am.. but i just wanna be with him..

A couple more days.. maybe just a couple more days..

Today.. is sooo.. not the day...

Okay.. today is NOT the day for the stupid computer to be acting up today! Good golly... i'm way too busy for me to get setback with the retarded computer acting up.. good lawd.. lawdy...

Okay.. back to normal.. somewhat.. now i have to pee...

I'm back.. refreshed...

I'm tired.. i'm sleepy.. i'm stuffy... i wanna go home.. and time is going by so slow... slow today.. why is time going by so damn slow today.. geez man! This sucks.. i wanted time to fly by today.. this isn't cool.. not cool at all.. gawd darn it...

Dern yankees...

One last blog before I go...

My throat is bothering me again. What is up with that.. the third time i caught the kid's colds. I hope this won't last that long cuz the last one only lasted a week. I should be on my way home soon. About another ten or fifteen minutes and then i'm gonna go..

Production week.. i totally forgot.. so i must be at the theater all week.. this sucks.,. but after this i'll be theater free for a long time! Sucks.. but i guess it's what needs to be done...

I'm still contemplating this whole career thing. Some of me tells me to stick with the company cuz things are looking up. Other parts of me are telling me to continue the teaching. I don't know what to do. And i need to finish the cover letter to the other company i want to apply to. So i still don't know what to do.. it's all too overwhelming.

Everything is gonna workout in the end. I just know it. God won't let me down. But it's just scary when I can't see the future. When i don't know if the decision i make is the right one. But that's life, right? Life is all about the unknown. Life is a big game. And that's why I tend to hate life. I would love to have things laid out for me and my future shown to me. It's like reading the end of a mystery novel to know who dun it. It's like looking at the answers at the back of word puzzle books to know if you made the right guess. You can't do that with life. You just have to roll with the punches... and i hate instability or uncertainty. But that's life.. i guess...

Who's who.. what.. where???

Um.. work.. the final frontier.. these are the voyagers of the starship.. helica.. it's mission.. to explore strange new worlds... and i don't know the rest..

I got paid today.. yay.. money.. but it's not as much as i got last time.. i need to make at least 8 hundred some a paycheck to feel like i'm make more than i'm spending.. my bills aren't gonna be as bad.. i these huge bills to deal with.. and my mom is giving me back 1000 dollars anyway.. so it's all good.. but i still pull under this pay check.. i don't know for this month.. lemme calculate it.. $10.35 positive. But that's still not including the wedding fund contribution (-$150) and the growth fund contribution (-$50).. so i'm gonna go negative this month. I've been doing that a lot lately.. i need to stop.

December.. i made positive almost a grand.. so it can be done.. considering i got paid three times that month cuz of the way it was made... grr...

Negative in November!

Positive in October.. only cuz that's when i got my settlement check too...

Positive in September... barely...

Very positive in August... only cuz i think i deposited three paychecks that month.. plus some graduatiion money...


Alrighty that's it for now... till next time

What the hell.. i should be asleep???

So i have to get up at 4am tomorrow morning.. it's is 10:30-ish tonight.. and i'm no where near getting ready for bed. I have to write a stupid educational philosophy paper which i barely started about fifteen to thirty minutes ago. I don't know how much more i have to write. I'ts about a half a page when written which means it's a lot less typed. That sucks. Stupid homework.

I don't mind the class. I don't mind the learning. I'ts the homework i didn't miss about school. I hated it then.. and i apparently still hate it now..

I so didn't realize that i needed a philosophy to my education. I just wanted to teach.. i didn't think i needed to think about it.. but i apparently do.. and that sucks.. i didn't know becoming a teacher makes you think that deeply about your practice... oh well,.. i guess it's just the price you have to pay...

Well.. i'm gonna go back to writing that damned paper now.. good thing it's only a 'rough draft'.. it's subject to change with more time...

Perfect.. just absolutely perfect....

ALL MY LIFE
Linda Ronstadt featuring Aaron Neville


Am I really here in your arms
Its just like I dreamed it would be
I feel like we're frozen in time
And you're the only one I can see

Hey, I've looked All my Life for you
And now you're here
Hey, I've spent All my Life with you
All my Life

And I never really knew how to love
I just hoped somehow I'd see
Asked for a little help from above
Send that angel down to me

Hey, I've looked All my Life for you
And now you're here
Hey, I've spent All my Life with you
All my Life

I never thought that I could feel a love so tender
I never thought I could let those feelings show
But now my heart is on my sleeve
and this love will never leave
I know
I know

Hey, I've looked All my Life for you
And now you're here
Hey, I've spent All my Life with you
All my Life
All my Life

Hey, I've looked All my Life for you
And now you're here
Hey, I've spent All my Life with you
All my Life

Oh Good Gawd... i'm gonna scream!

So.. this cold... it's really starting to get on my nerves. I am sooo sick of being stuffy. I'm soooo annoyed!

I'm watching the FRIENDS episode when Chandler proposes to Monica... awww... i wish i had a ring. I guess taht's just the girlie girl in me to want an engagement ring. He just gave her the ring! He just gave her the ring! I'm all teary eyed. I hope i get just as teary-eyed when i get my ring. IF i get my right. Good gawd. Oh well. Whatever happens... i guess...

It's sucks that we've been so busy lately. But we knew that this was coming! We knew that we were gonna be super duper busy. We knew that we weren't gonna have a lot of time to spend with each other. It just sucks cuz i like spending time with him. My mom says i should make the most of the fact that we hardly see each other cuz then we won't smother each other. Especially because when we get married.. we'll be spending the majority of the day with each other.. and no one else. So we should just enjoy having separate lives for a while. But i miss him! I miss him a lot.

Gosh.. i'm such a damn sap!

Why does this always happen to me?

Why am i getting another cold? Why am i catching everyone's cold? Man.. this sucks. I'm watching FRIENDS and preparing to go to the school board meeting. Boo to meetings. I don't like meetings. I don't wanna go. But i have to go. This really sucks. I'm so not excited.

Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't believe in it. Justyn doesn't believe in it. So i guess we're just gonna hang out like usual. But it won't be a Valentine's Day sorta thingy. What day does it fall on? I know about two years ago it fell on a Friday. Or maybe it was last year. I know I was with that one guy. I know I worked. So i think it was a Friday. Maybe this year is on a Saturday.

Nope. It falls on a Monday. We are both busy. I have a voice lesson. He has class. So maybe we wont' do anything. Oh well. It is a good thing we don't believe in that stupid holiday.

Okay. Well. I gotta go and get ready for the board meeting.

Did i do the right thing???

I almost ended it with Justyn. Did i do the right thing by staying? I do love him. I love him a lot. And I do wanna spend the rest of my life with him. But we are such different people. We see things differently. Will that make a marriage work? All the love in the world can't magically fix differences in opinion.. or can it? I know i would be completely miserable if i had to live without him. But i don't know how well i can live with him...

What am i gonna do.. is this gonna work out.. why am i doubting all of this.. is this what it's like to have cold feet.. and if that's the case.. why is it me... what does all of this mean.. what is the Lord trying to tell me.. should I back out? Should i see this through.. i don't want to be two days before the wedding and completely change my mind and call it all off... then all that money.. all that effort.. gone.. done... pointless... should i do something now.. to spare me all the pain.. but what if we are supposed to be together.. what if that's the plan.. and i'm just being scared... like i'm always being scared... what am i supposed to do.. what does all this mean.. why do i have to feel this way.. why can't i be as sure as he is.. why can't i be as confident as he is..

I'm still scared... but i want to make this work.. i love him.. i can't imagine my life without him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I should be willing to make this work if i want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can get over this. I need the Lord's guidance. I'm offering this all to Him. He knows what He's doing for me. I trust Him completely.

Why???

Why do i always end up with the biggest headache when i talk to my mother about the date of the friggin' wedding... it's like she doesn't want us to get married.. she's always finding ways to discourage it.. you know.. that's why i don't talk to her about these things anymore.. i'm tired of hearing all the negativity about it.. i'm sure we'll make it work.. i'm sure it'll work out in the end.. right??

I'm saving and saving.. he needs to save and save.. he's gotta save and save.. but i don't feel like he's saving and saving.. i need to talk to him.. but how do i tell him.. how do i say.. you need to save and save.. he's got it in his head that once he graduates.. he'll be making six figures immediately.. i wish and hope and pray that were to happen.. but i doubt it.. he needs to work his way up.. and that might take awhile.. so.. ya..

Lord... please.. help make things work out... please help us find the money and the means to make this wedding happen when we want. We want to get married next August, Lord. Please help us find the way to make that happen. Lord, we trust that You will make the ends meet and we will be able to do this when we want.

Boredom.. extreme boredom...

Why am i still here? Why do i insist on staying.. i should be working for a much bigger company.. for much more money!! Good gawd.. life sucks.. plus.. i'm surrounded by people that i cannot stand. I'm forever stressing about this stupid job.. forever... I can go home soon!! Yay.. that's always a good thing!

An hour left.. an hour left before i begin that journey to a far off place.. not really.. i actually have to go back to cal poly tonight and do my LiveScan thingy to get my fingerprinted so that i am deemed safe to be inside classrooms...

Those are always kinda scary. I pesonally don't think i have anything incriminating such as a criminal record. But what if someone were to steal my identity without my knowlege and then ran havoc among a city.. then i'd be soo screwed cuz that was sooo not me! And my name would be tainted and all hell will break lose and i would die a horrible lousy death and stuff... and that wouldn't be fun at all...

Pissed... pissed... pissed...

Argh.. i hate working here! It's just sucks.. i mean.. what work place has paychecks that friggin bounce and get returned.. it's just an absolute blessing that i have all that money in the bank and that i don't live off of paycheck to paycheck because i would be absolutely screwed.. my credit will have been at a bad status... and all hell would be breaking loose... i am soo frustrated and pissed off by all of this.. this is absolutely insane... there is no explanation for any of this madness... none at all...

So i'm thinking of getting into substitute teaching.. i don't know how fruitful it would be.. i'd be doing that instead of doing this and then wondering whether or not the damn check went through or not... and plus i'd be in a classroom already.. i'd get classroom experience.. i'd be able to be in a classroom... wow.. that's cool.. and then i'd be able to go to school and be in a classroom.. gaining experience.. but i'm going round and round in circles with the reasons.. my main reason for wanting to sub teach is to just get my ass outta here already.. geez... and so maybe then i'd be able to get my teaching stuff done faster..

But.. it is a good idea financially... will i be able to make enough money to support all the bills i have to pay and the credit cards i have to pay off and to be able to save for the wedding... is it a good money idea to move from a steady (relatively steady) flow of income to something as sporadic as substitute teaching that only gets paid per job and some of it could be volunteer??? Is it... is it??? I need help.. i need guidance.. i need help help... really someone.. anyone... help!!!!

WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I need help... i really need help.. i'm feeling so blah today.. so... lethargic.. so apathetic.. i don't wanna be here.. and i'm at work.. and it's only 9:30... only 9:30!! My gawd.. can the time move any slower!!! Geez.. i wanna shoot myself.. i really wanna shoot myself.. and just end all this misery..

I feel overwhelmed.. like i can't handle it all.. like there are soo many things piled up against me and i can't handle it all.. i just don't understand.. i don't get it.. everything was going my way at one point... and now i feel like everything has piled up onto my shoulders and i'm having a hard time dealing with it all.. and what sucks is that i feel like i'm the only one dealing with it.. like i can't share it with anyone... no one else understands what i'm going through..

Everyone sees me as this happy peppy person.. with no problems.. no issues.. no nothing.. i'm happy.. i'm peppy.. i'm always up for a good time.. no one knows that i suffer inside.. that i cna't deal with the outside world.. that i'm hap=ving issues dealing with my own life.. that i just want to end my life to put me out of my misery.. and so that i can just be free of all these burdens...

I want to share these burdens with someone.. i want someone to understand my problems... i want someone to tell me that it's all gonna be okay.. there are worse things in this world.. that i can deal with it.. that they'd help me deal with it... why don't i have that.. why can't i have that... i'm killing myself here.. i wanna die.. i wanna just end all the issues.. all the burdens.. all the stuff.. just live my life free of all the issues...

Eeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hee hee...

So.. i'm gonna go back to work in a half an hour.. i'm just gonna sit here and veg infront of my computer screen for awhile.. the finished kits are sitting on my left.. waiting to be packed up and shipped out.. waiting... just.. waiting...

I don't feel like working today.. when do i ever feel like working today... this week went by kinda slow.. but at the same time.. kinda fast.. it feel like 'wow.. it's thursday already' and 'it's only thursday!' all at the same time.. i don't know how i do it.. but that's how i feel..

You know what sucks is that I have so much crap i need to get done and by golly.. argh.. she totally pisses me off.. okay so i'm working on today's shipment right.. not that complicated.. not too hard.. just four kits.. of the same kind.. so it's easy.. plus.. it was obvious that I was done... i was putting them into the kitboxes.. so i obviously had it under control.. and she has the nerve to ask me if i needed help..

When yesterday! Good Gawd... yesterday i was busting my ass trying to get the whole shipment done in 8 hours.. seven different types of kits... a million kits... labeling was hell... putting together the kits was hell... shrink wrapping was hell.. she saw me busting my ass.. but did she ask... NOOO... not one question.. i swear.. i hate it here...

I wanna change my life.. there isn't much socialization in the lab... i'm usually by myself.. and when you work in a lab.. you don't really do much talking cuz you're so busy concentrating on what you are doing cuz there is usually no room for mistakes.. and so... it's soo anti-social.. i hate not talking for 8 hours a day.. i wanna be able to socialize.. to talk to people.. even if it is teaching them something.. at least i'll have more co-workers too.. so if i don't like one co-worker.. at least there are a million more that i could be getting along with...

But here.. if i don't really like one co-worker.. that's it.. then i just don't talk to anyone... that sucks...

Well.. i guess i should get back to work.. even though its only been 10 minutes and i said i was gonna veg for 30... oh well.. that's life.. what can ya do?

Nervous...

I'm kinda nervous... i hope that i'm making the right decision about becoming a teacher... it's a lot of hard work. I think i'm ready for it.. i think i can handle it...

I'm in bed.. i'm gonna go to work early for the third day in a row.. but i'm gonna leave about an hour earlier... so that I can get some stuff done... i need to buy my school book so that I can start studying and stuff.. he's gonna test on the stuff we read in the book... can you believe that.. yesterday's class didn't have any tests.. then again.. there are a lot of papers...

I guess the difference between science and this education stuff is that in science it was a lot of multiple choice stuff... the tests were mainly mulitple choice.. here.. the tests will be short essay and identification tests... no multiple choice at all.. that's sooo not what i'm used to.. except for in virology.. it was all essay type questions.. and those weren't so bad.. so i guess i can handle it.. i'm a big girl...

Okay..well.. i should go to sleep now... i'm sleepy.. and i need to wake up at 4am again.. so ya..

New Year's prayer blog...

Happy new year God! Thank You for all that You have blessed me with. I am grateful for the year that You have given me in 2004. I feel truly blessed to have You watching over me all the time. I pray that You continue to bless me with Your grace and love.

I still trust that You have my best interest at heart. And I know that all that You've been doing has been for the bettering in myself. I know You have a plan for me and for my happiness.

I really want everything to work out. Please bless my schooling, my relationship with Justyn, my family, my friends, my career. Please let everything fall into place. Please help us find the means for the wedding. We truly love each other and wish that everything works out and we can find the means and patience to get married. Guide us all the way to the altar and through life after that.

Amen. (for now...)

What is this...

Okay.. so maybe today might be a tad bit better... hopefully... i'm bored.. theres nothing to do and i'm at work.. again.. like i always am...

In about two days... it'll be 2005... oh my goodness... where has all the time gone? A new year... already! Why is time moving so fast... sometimes i feel like the whole world is passing me by.. sometimes i feel like i can catch up.. sometimes i just sit and watch as it zooms past me... today.. i feel like i'm being dragged through it..

I start school on Tuesday... that means i must come here at the unGawdly hour of 6:30 am... so i can get eight hours and leave at 2:30... my class starts at 4 and ends at 7:50... hopefully the professor will be nice..

It's funny how life has all these lil twists and turns.. it's funny how you think you're following the path.. knowing exactly where it's headed.. then.. all of a sudden.. it takes this sharp turn... then another sharp turn... and you go from living single for the rest of your life.. content with workiing in a laboratory all day... to engaged to be married to this awesome guy and going back to school to become a biology teacher...

I mean.. seriously.. did anyone ever think i'd go this route.. okay.. maybe the whole engaged to be married thing.. but i didn't think i'd ever find anyone anymore.. i had given up on finding a guy to spend the rest of my life with... my luck had been so bad.. i didn't wanna try anymore...

But the whole teaching thing... didn't i used to say that i didn't have the patience to teach.. remember me as the dance captain.. tearing my hair out cuz the squad couldn't get what i was trying to teach... i thought then... i didn't have the patience to become a teacher.. i shouldn't even try... now look at me.. going back to school.. inspired to become this awesome biology teacher.. and i know i can do it..

Look how far i have gotten this year... i graduated college with my b.s. degree... i met the man that i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with (if God permits!).. and i'm going back to school to begin a career change.. all in the span of one year... just one year... one year that can absolutely change the rest of my life... funny...

Grrr...

Now.. at what exact moment did my life actually start sucking??? I mean.. here i am.. 24... doing what i love to do... loving a guy that is way too good for me.. and i thought i was happy.. and then... BAM.. i wake up.. and my life sucks... i mean.. seriously.. i was happy.. i swear to God.. i was happy.. i don't quite know when life turned the other direction.. but i guess i should have known it was coming.. it always does..

LIFE DOES NOT ALLOW RACHEL VIRAY HAPPINESS

The minute life sees me remotely happy.. or showing any glimmer of happiness.. life turns around and finds a way to make my life suck again.. and it's not like it's anything drastic.. it's the little things.. little things that build up into big things.. little things that grow and fester in my psyche... turning into big things that affect my happiness and make my life a living hell.. that's what i does.. that's what it is..

Why... why... why,... i ask myself this ALL THE TIME.. why????

And i still have no answer.....

I am in a bloggy mood!

I've been blogging all day... nonstop.. cuz i'm bored.. there is nothing left to do here.. i'm officially done.. yay.. i can go home...

I'm jealous...

I'm jealous of the people that can give meaningful and insightful blogs... those that blog with purpose and meaning... those.. unlike me.. that don't live their lives randomly and don't have the randomness flowing through their head.. they have purpose.. they have focus.. and it shows in their blogs... i'm officially jealous...

Christmas eve.. what what!!

So the last time I left a blog here was on the 20th.. that is a long time in my world.. i usually blog everyday or every other day.. what's up with that.. well.. for starters.. i've been uber-busy.. and uber-sick...

I'm getting over the sick.. actually i feel like i've slightly relapsed.. i was out in the gawd-awful winds yesterday when i should have rested more.. but we needed to finish off the christmas shopping.. which we finally finished wrapping about half an hour ago.. now we can rest.. sorta.. cuz now i have to start getting ready for tonights xmas eve shindig at my aunts house... the one that we do every year.... now i get to share it with Justyn...

Tomorrow I get to share Justyn's xmas day shindigs with his family.. yup.. i'm gonna be there.. it kinda goes with the whole engaged territory.. splitting holidays.. yup.. that's how it usually goes.. which i don't really have a problem with... i'm kinda looking forward to it.. it's just that i wish i wasn't all that sick... you know what i mean...

So.. let's see.. over the past few days.. i got admitted into Cal Poly Pomona as a post-baccalaureate student.. i enrollled in the two classes i need as pre-reqs into the program.. and i payed a grand in tuition.. a highly eventful week if i say so myself...

Also.. Justyn has made his mind about going to school and if God permits.. he'll be starting on the 10th of January.. he'll be done by September and six months after September is... Oct, Nov, Dec, jan, Feb, Mar...March.. he'll have to start paying off the student loans in March.. wait.. and then he expects us to get married in April.. hold up! No.. way.. that's not gonna happen.. I told him August.. that's good enough.. ya.. give me lotsa time to plan also...

I'm a lil scared about us starting school and all.. new people.. new experiences.. juggling time.. juggling a relationship and schooling.. scared much... but i do have faith in us.. although he doesn't seem to think i do.. and i do think we can work it out... i just get scared.. i'm allowed to get scared... it keeps me on my toes...

Argh.. i'm getting sick...

Oh.. this sooo sucks.. I hate this time of the year. I finally got sick. I've been waiting for it. It's here... five days before Christmas. That sucks even more!

The platters are coming along fine. We are almost done... we just need about four more.. we got two out last night. One that goes to Genette and one that goes to Justyn's family from my family. So it's all good.. we are making good time. The one for Helica should be out tomorrow and we can probably do the neighbors. The individual ones are done. I just need to make a couple of snowmen for Joanna's and then that one is good to go... i just need to make arrangements to give it to her. I need to email her and that's what I'll probably do next.

Oh shoot.. i need to do that stupid price guide for those people at Greiner.. darn.. ya.. lemme email miss joanna first and then do that stupid price thingy.. grr.. i hate work!

"I heard someone crying.."

Hee hee.. i'm listening to the Secret Garden CD.. i missed it.. Justyn's had it for awhile.. he was listening to it.. but i missed it.. I'll give it back when i get tired of it.. even though it's mine.. hmmm!!!

".. when a think is wick.. it has a light about it.." hee hee.. i love the music to this show... it's the best music.. it's one of my favorite shows... the music.. at least...

Anyway... uh.. so.. uh..

FRIENDS is the greatest show ever.. i've been the biggest dork and have been reading the transcribed scripts to the episodes.. cuz i have nothing better to do.. ya.. well.. i'm almost done with the first season.. so ya.. and the scary thing is I can hear and picture the scenes as i am reading... i know i'm a FRIENDS junkie..

I'm sleepy and i don't wanna be here.. i'm at work.. i hate being here.. i love the work i do.. i hate the workplace.. grr... grr....

Mysterious

The Lord works in mysterious ways...

So i'm still trying to figure out why certain things have happened in my life and what good they've given me. I don't know.. i'm in contemplative mood right now...

I mean, i've done a lot of stuff in my life.. a lot of stuff... stuff i should be regretting as i look back on my life right now.. okay.. so maybe not a lot.. but i've done stuff i should regret... but i don't.. i don't regret anything.. I guess it's cuz it's made me the person I am today.. i've learned from those experiences and it molded me into the person i've become...

But what good has it done to my life?? I mean.. look at me.. overall.. ya.. i'm happy.. but at the same time..i don't know.. it just seems i have a hard time excepting things that are good that come into my life..

Have those experiences calloused me? Is that the mysterious way in which the Lord works... to harden me and to make me cynical to things that can be absolutely amazing???

Have all the hurt and all the not-so-wise decisions taken a toll on my conscience right now?? Why am i being so contemplative??? This is starting to get deep...

So... maybe I have made those not-so-wise decisions.. i don't regret them.. because at the time.. it was fun.. it was something I wanted to do.. it was my conscious decision to make... but is it coming back to bite me in the ass... are the internal consequences my punishment??

So.. maybe I've gotten hurt in the past.. is that justification for me to be calloused and cynical when others have gotten hurt and yet they just get back on that horse and ride like nothing happened. I know i'm smarter and wiser because of all the past pain and experiences.. but does being wiser and smarter mean more hesitant and hardened??

Wow.. thoughts to think about...

How do these mysterious ways benefit my life?? Are they supposed to benefit?? Or are they just supposed to be there???

The longest...

This is the longest I have gone without a pediucure! I know.. it's totally random.. but it just goes to show you the lack of time i have and the fact that i really want to save money. That is amazing.

I feel so bad for Justyn. But at the same time, it's what he needs. It;s the way life is gonna be. He's out gettin the money. I'm dealing with family stuff. He wants to go with us to my mothers birthday dinner. But he's working. I'm sorry for him. I want him to be there. I miss him when he's not around. It's wierd. I don't usually miss the guys i'm with but i miss him.

Everything seems different with him. I miss him when he's not here. He's the only one that has given me the butterflies in my stomach when ever we kiss or whenever he holds me. Just thinking about him sometimes gives me those butterflies. It used to happen a lot more in the beginning but it still happens somtimes. I see my future in his eyes. I see with him growing old. I see us taking care of a family. I see us. That has not happened before. I forced it to happen with some guys because I thought that they were my only shot at marriage and family life. I was wrong.. thank the Lord.. i was wrong!

Anyway.. i need a pedicure.. pronto!

Yay.. i can blog in here!

I wasn't able to blog in here earlier.. something about an internal error or some junk.. but it's all good now.. and now i can blog.. about what?? i have no idea.. actually i was thinking of just going home.. cuz i have nothing else to do.. so ya.. maybe i should just go home...

it's 3:30-ish... i'm sleepy.. i took a 10 minute nap.. hee hee.. sleeping on the job..

well.. till tomorrow.. or maybe later!

I hate it here!

I hate it here at my job.. i really do.. it's stupid and it's pointless and it's dead-ended and I wanna leave... i wanna get outta here.. i wanna do something else.. i wish that everything could work out and that i could go to school next quarter to begin working on becoming a teacher...

I'm so f---ing fed up with this retarded place.. i wish that i could leave.. i wish that it all works out.. i want out sooo bad...

I can't stand the people here.. i can't stand anyone.. i just do my work and go.. i don't even socialize with them anymore.. i just do my work and go... yup.. do my work and go..

It's only 11:17?!?!?!

Geez... time is slow today. I'm on a self-proclaimed lunch break. I ate my lunch and I am good to go. I am ready to blog.

:::awkward silence:::

So.. uh.. what should i blog about? I am extremely bored. What is new? I mean, seriously.. with as busy as my schedule is... i get bored a lot. That is not good at all. I should always be pre-occupied. I shouldn't be bored. But, alas, I am. I need another life. A life with more money so that I can do the things I really want to do. I thought I had a lot of money. But then weddings happen.. at least planning weddings happen. And then all of a sudden.. i have no money.. or i don't have enough money. There is soo much stuff I want to do.. but not enough money to do it. Grrr...

That is my complaint for the day!

The end!

I like me the surveys!

What is__

1) your name? Rachel
2) your birth date? September 27
3) your favorite song? Gosh.. so many.. as of now it’s “now that I have you” sung by Erik Santos and Sheryn Regis
4) your favorite band? Hmmm… well.. there’s New Found Glory, Low Millions, Maroon 5, INCUBUS..
5) love? You’re asking me what love is… love is Justyn.. awww…
6) your middle name? Depends… sometimes its Marie.. but technically it’s Tadena.. just depends on what I state my name is…
7) your pets name? Alas.. I have no pets.. sigh…
8) your nick name? Oh geez.. do I have to list them all? Nah.. I’m too lazy…
9) your favorite ice cream topping? Hot fudge… oh ya.. mmm.. chocolate..
10) your favorite movie? Hmmm… Sound of Music.. Splendor in the Grass.. A StreetCar Named Desire.. My Best Friends’ Wedding.. Office Space.. Mommie Dearest.. My Fair Lady.. The King and I.. A Walk To Remember.. CenterStage.. to name a few….

Do you__

1) have any brothers or sisters? Yup.. a brotha
2) drink a lot of soda? Not usually.. I drink a lot of coffee and water
3) go to the mall a lot? I practically live at the mall… when I’m not at work…
5) have a boy friend / girl friend? I did.. then we upgraded our status to fiance and fiance… lol…
4) have a crush / like anyone? I did have a crush on him before we got together…
5) like going to school? I miss school… I never thought I’d see the day that I would actually say that… so if God permits.. I might be going back…
6) play any sports? I’ll watch some sports… like basketball…
7) take showers daily? Um.. of course!
8) have any imaginary friends? I did.. Casper, Spooky, and Paper Teacher.. I was an ecclectic child…
9) miss anyone? I miss Justyn when he’s not with me
10) download music? Legally on iTunes… $.99 a song.. dude.. it sooo adds up!

Are you__

1) gay / bi / straight? I am straight…
2) wierd? Justyn says I am.. but then again, life would be boring if I wasn’t weird…
3) a dork? Oh ya!
4) bored? Usually… unless I’m with justyn
5) wishing you could be with someone else? I always wish I could be with Justyn.. cuz then I won’t be bored all the time!
6) doing anything tommorow? I’ve got a pick-up rehearsal…
7) hungry? Not at the moment.. shocked?
8) thinking of anyone special? I always am!
9) tired? No.. cuz the coffee kicked in… finally
10) cool? I don’t know.. I’d like to think I am…

Have you__

1) gotten drunk? Ya.. and I hate it.. tipsy is fun.. drunk sucks..
2) had sex? Next question please..
3) ditched class? That is what college life is all about!
4) stolen anything? Pinto beans… I was 6!
5) ever wanted to kill some one? Does myself count?
6) ran away from home? No.. cuz I never had anywhere to go..
7) started a fight? With boyfriends… that was when I was in high school!
8) been in a fight? With boyfriends…
9) watched porn? Hee hee.. that one time… Leo remembers… good times..
10) talked back to your parents? Who doesn’t?
11) been ice skating? Nope.. but I might go on the 27th and make a fool of myself…
12) been golfing? Mini-golfing… but I wouldn’t mind trying golf.. I’m not much of a swinger though.. I’d probably suck…
13) destroyed someone elses house? NO!
14) gone to jail? No, thank God.
15) been suspended? Nope.. I’m proud to say that I was never suspended or given detention.

would you__

1) get married? I am getting married.. soon.. please God.. soon!
2) have children? I want 2.. ideally a boy and a girl..
3) sneak out at night? Sure.. if I was brave enough
4) die for one or more of your friends? Ya.. I would
5) steal candy from a kid? Now that’s wrong!
6) hurt someone? I’ve been hurt.. and I’m sure I’ve hurt someone in the past too…
7) spend more than 50 dollars on pants? I try not to.. but if they are cute.. I can’t resist!
8) take drugs? Just the legal kind
9) go skydiving? No thank you!
10) ride a fast roller coaster? Ooh.. I like roller coasters!

last time__

1) cryed? Last Friday night.. but we won’t go there…
2) got your heart broken? Yup… ya.. moving on…
3) broke someone elses heart? I don’t know… I might have.. but I don’t think he cared all that much…
4) listened to music? I’m listening to music right now!
5) were on the phone? Last night when justyn called to say he was home.
6) bought food? Um.. last Saturday.. the Jack in the B-fish…
7) bought a CD? I think when Eminem’s CD came out…
8) got in a fight? It wasn’t a major fight.. but we were both upset… uh.. last Thursday???
9) got yelled at? When am I not yelled at?
10) missed someone? All the time.. I miss Justyn right now!

Favorite__

1) movie? Um.. look up at the top.. there’s a lengthy list up there…
2) drink? Hmmm.. anything coffee related…
3) song? Didn’t I answer these up at the top?
4) band? Ya.. I’m pretty sure I answered these up top…
5) friend? Hmm.. theres Justyn.. of course.. and my b-techers.. and my high school posse… I don’t have favorites.. except for Justyn…
6) beer? I can handle San Miguel (filipino) and those really light beers at the Yardhouse.
7) food? Hmm.. anything chocolate…
8) magazine? Cosmo and Yoga Journal
9) book? Hmm.. The Davinci Code is awesome.. there’s the Ya-Ya Sisterhood books.. I still love the Rapture of Canaan from high school..
10) color? Pinkie

Wish__

1) you could go? To Vegas.. I’m having withdrawls…
2) you could eat? A carne asada quesadilla from Durangos… ya.. I’m still craving it!
3) you had? More free time…
4) you were? A super star!
5) you could be with? Oh.. that’s easy.. with Justyn
6) you didnt? Have to be so full of issues…
7) you would have? Worked at a Starbucks…
8) someone would? Give me money and lots of it!
9) fly to? Anywhere…
10) walk to? I don’t walk.. I drive everywhere…

3__

1) 3 things infront of you? My laptop.. a printer.. a lab book
2) 3 things you want to do? Be with Justyn, sing, sleep… in that order!
3) 3 last songs listened to? Huwag Kang Mawawala, Magpakailanpaman, Sa Piling Mo.. I’m listening to filipino music… Regine Velasquez and Ogie Alcasid.. oh ya…
4) 3 last things you drank? Coffee.. water.. and water…
5) 3 last people who talked to you? Justyn.. the guy at the coffee shop.. wondu..
6) 3 last foods you ate? Dinner from last night.. Lunch from yesterday.. and cinamon twisties yesterday morning.. I haven’t eaten today yet… so it’s all from yesterday…
7) 3 last t.v. shows you watched? Oh geez.. I don’t even know!
8) 3 last people who IMed you / you IMed? Let’s see… Justyn.. Disney.. and some dude from myspace that I haven’t spoken to in forever.. but we didn’t talk for very long..
9) 3 closest friends? Justyn, Joanna (even though I hardly see/hear from her cuz we are both so busy), my cousins (I know it’s more than one person. Oh well)
10) 3 funny people? Justyn.. and all my friends.. I can’t narrow it down to three…

other__

1) what are you going to do next? Some sorta work-related activity…
2) who are you going to call? BD biosciences..
3) who do you want to see? Justyn.. and Zachary and Emma and Josh
4) where do you want to be? Anywhere but here…
5) where do you want to eat? Durangos… mmm…
6) movie you want to see? The Incredibles.. the new Bridget Jones..
7) cd you want to buy? Team America Soundtrack
8) when are you going to sleep? Tonight.. or early tomorrow morning..
9) when will you wake up? Early tomorrow morning…
10) do you wish this survey was longer? No.. it was long enough.

My, my, my...

I'm all sad and stuff. This sucks that Justyn can't go with us to Knotts. I really wanted him to go. I wanted him to bond with my ZZ and stuff. I wanted to have fun. It was gonna be cute. ZZ was gonna look like our lil baby boy.

But we need money... and any money is good money. And if he has to work, then he has to work. It will pay off in the end cuz we'd be able to spend the rest of our lives together. These are just little sacrifices that we have to make right now. Hopefully they do pay off in the end.

Gosh.. money is the root of all evil. Money makes me feel so discouraged about the whole wedding. It's like, i dont even wanna get married anymore if money is gonna be such a dang issue! It's frustrating.. i hate money. But i need money.. it's a love/hate relationship. and that sucks.

MMM... carne asada quesadilla from durangos... mmm... sounds soo dang good right now...

I wish my blogs get noticed...

I wish I were talented enough of a writer to get my blogs noticed by reader people.

That would be uber-cool and then i'd be able to see my name on the front page of the blogger dashboard thing. I wonder if people even read my blog here?

Oh well.. it's not like it's all that interesting.. it's really not.. there really isn't much interesting that goes on in my life anyway.. this is a blog about nothing.. the whole weblog is blog about nothing.. kinda like the seinfeld of blogs.. ya. that's what this is.. the seinfeld of blogs.. i like that.. ooh.. i should rename my blog.. 'the seinfeld of blogs'...

Ya.. so, as usual.. i'm officially bored...

I need to sing.. i'm having singing withdrawls.. doing a straight play is no fun.. there is no singing.. i like singing.. so now that i'm stage managing the youth show.. i thinks that i'ms gonna learn the songs and sing with the kiddies.. that'll be fun.. ya.. give me something to do.. i'll be singing.. yay...

Garsh.. i wanna go home now.. there is nothing left to do... sigh...

Re-organizing my.. huh???

Ya.. so i had no point to that subject title.. i'm bored and waiting for the time to go to the stupid theater to go to the stupid show... I'm sooo not into the whole 'a christmas story'... i'm sooo not into the whole 'catch pneumonia' cold of the theater... so ya.. i don' t wanna be there tonight.. but i guess it's okay cuz it'll get me outta the house.. i'll be able to go out and do stuff.. so yay!

Grrr... ten more minutes then i have to go.. ten minutes.. ten minutes... ten minutes... grrr... i wanna go now.. i wanna get outta here.. but i'd rather not go to the theater.. i just don't wanna freeze to friggin death.. freeze.. freeze.. freeze.. freeze...

It's just not healthy to be in that freezing environment..

Random...

Bored..

Oh.. geez.. i'm sleepy.. i wanna go to sleep... i just wanna sleep... can i skip out on the show and just go to sleep?? Ya.. that sounds good... sleep is a good thing.. yes..

Gawd dammit... maybe i wanna just curl in a ball and die... curl in a ball and sleep... or both.. which ever... dude... not much time is passing.. good gawd.. time goes by slow.. why is it going by slow.. it's supposed to go by fast... fast,.. time is supposed to fly.. why isn't the time flying...

Can people shut up??? People are sooo damn talkative... some people are so fawking retarded... so damn loud.. maybe i wanna die.. maybe it'll be a nice departure.. maybe it'll be nice to finally get away.. i'm soo done with life now... i'm sooo done with everything... ya.. let's do that.. let's just drive off the friggin' cliff... cuz some people watch too many fawking soap operas and made-for-tv movies... what the helks make these people experts.. huh?? huh?? huh?? Who made these people experts.. experts on my damn life?? it's MY LIFE.. no one says it was someone else... MY LIFE... MY LIFE... not hers, not his.. not anyone elses.. but MINE.. so shut up.. leave me alone.. let me do what the hell i want.. it's my damn damn damn damn life.. mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine... no one elses.. i don't care... shit.. dude...

Driving me fawking crazy.. fawking crazy.. fawking fawking fawking crazy.. dude.. i sooo don't care anymore... what ever is gonna happen to me.. is gonna fawking happen to me.. this is the downfall i've been waiting for.. the thing that life gives me that shoots down my happiness.. it always happens.. so i'm taking it.. i'm just gonna take it.. that's all.. if i die.. then i die.. i don't even care anymore... this is my life.. this is what happens.. i don't care...

Life hates me.. remember.. it gives me happiness then it takes it away.. it gives me hope that my life will be better.. then it gives me something else to fawking worry about to shoot down any hope of a completely happy life.. so ya.. i'm used to this..

Fawk Fawk Fawk!!!

Get me outta here.. please...

Here I am.. at work.. the end of the day.. the boss is gone now.. so i've got two choices... leave now and lose two hours of work... or stay and do some cleaning up so that I still have those hours...

I think I'm gonna stay... i'm gonna veg out till about three and then i will clean up til about three thirty.. ya.. that would be good.. that would be fun.. ya.. right..

So it's opening weekend... yay.. the sooner we start the sooner we'll be done! Good times... so the show starts at 8:00pm and then it's a long-ass show... so that's gonna suck.. i liked CLUE cuz it was short and sweet with no intermission.. so that was good.. good and short.. but CLUE was the last show that I wanted to be short and sweet and with no intermission.. i wanted it to be long with an intermission so that i had time backstage with Justyn.. and this was even before we got together.. uh huh!

Hmmm... i've got some free time.. i should call Knotts Berry Farm to ask the wedding reception rates.. how cute would that be to have the wedding reception at the place we first got together. How sweet.. how sentimental.. how cute.. aww.. i'm so swooning by myself.. awww...

There really isn't much to talk about or to do.. i'm sleepy... maybe i should just chill..

CBEST is tomorrow.. officially scared... OMG!

Oh gosh.. get me outta here..

Here I am.. at work.. the end of the day.. the boss is gone now.. so i've got two choices... leave now and lose two hours of work... or stay and do some cleaning up so that I still have those hours...

I think I'm gonna stay... i'm gonna veg out till about three and then i will clean up til about three thirty.. ya.. that would be good.. that would be fun.. ya.. right..

So it's opening weekend... yay.. the sooner we start the sooner we'll be done! Good times... so the show starts at 8:00pm and then it's a long-ass show... so that's gonna suck.. i liked CLUE cuz it was short and sweet with no intermission.. so that was good.. good and short.. but CLUE was the last show that I wanted to be short and sweet and with no intermission.. i wanted it to be long with an intermission so that i had time backstage with Justyn.. and this was even before we got together.. uh huh!

Hmmm... i've got some free time.. i should call Knotts Berry Farm to ask the wedding reception rates.. how cute would that be to have the wedding reception at the place we first got together. How sweet.. how sentimental.. how cute.. aww.. i'm so swooning by myself.. awww...

There really isn't much to talk about or to do.. i'm sleepy... maybe i should just chill..

CBEST is tomorrow.. officially scared... OMG!

Oh gosh.. get me outta here..

Here I am.. at work.. the end of the day.. the boss is gone now.. so i've got two choices... leave now and lose two hours of work... or stay and do some cleaning up so that I still have those hours...

I think I'm gonna stay... i'm gonna veg out till about three and then i will clean up til about three thirty.. ya.. that would be good.. that would be fun.. ya.. right..

So it's opening weekend... yay.. the sooner we start the sooner we'll be done! Good times... so the show starts at 8:00pm and then it's a long-ass show... so that's gonna suck.. i liked CLUE cuz it was short and sweet with no intermission.. so that was good.. good and short.. but CLUE was the last show that I wanted to be short and sweet and with no intermission.. i wanted it to be long with an intermission so that i had time backstage with Justyn.. and this was even before we got together.. uh huh!

Hmmm... i've got some free time.. i should call Knotts Berry Farm to ask the wedding reception rates.. how cute would that be to have the wedding reception at the place we first got together. How sweet.. how sentimental.. how cute.. aww.. i'm so swooning by myself.. awww...

There really isn't much to talk about or to do.. i'm sleepy... maybe i should just chill..

CBEST is tomorrow.. officially scared... OMG!

Extreme boredom... bleck...

Well.. there is nothing to do anymore.. i have nothing to do anymore.. i'm just waiting for my boss to say the word and then i'm gonna go and bring him to his kids school and i guess to his home and then i can skaddadle on my way home.. i get to rest.. i'll study for the CBEST.. yay..

So i haven't heard from Justyn at all today.. wow.. no texts, no nothing.. wow.. that's wierd.. i'm used to hearing from him at least once in the morning.. well.. i'm not gonna text him first.. i'll let him do it.. i usually do it if he doesn't answer.. but i won't do it this time.. i'll be strong.. i'm gonna see who will give in first.. and i'm determined not to give in.. i swear.. but i can bombard his myspace profile.. nah...i won't.. i'll be strong.. i'll just blog..

This is my second blog on this site.. i think i've blogged twice on each of my blog sites.. i should add another blog site to my repretoire.. nah.. this is enough to keep up with...

Tomorrow is FRIDAY.. yay. i can't wait. that's exciting.. oh it looks like i'm gonna go.. i hear keys rattling...

Closure would be nice...

It's our 2 month anniversary.. it's our 1 month engagement anniversary... one month of no-planning planning.. that went by quickly.. especially after we really told our parents.. it flew.. next thing you know.. we'll have to start checking out venues and stuff.. that's exciting.. but scary at the same time...

I'm sooo depressed... Joy took me outta her FRIENDSTER account. She removed me as a friend! How friggin' sad! I mean, i had an idea that she would do that eventually.. but when she finally did.. wow.. did it hurt! I mean.. she said she wasn't mad at me cuz she said i didn't know anything.. which is true.. i had no idea.. but did that also mean that she wanted me to stop seeing justyn? Cuz that was not part of the plan. I was going to continue seeing him. I was already falling for him then. I felt very deeply for him by that point. And according to them nothing absolutely major happened to them. But still..

It still bothers me. The fact that they were kinda seeing each other. I don't think I really ever blogged about it. I mean.. i guess it wouldn't bother me if their stories matched. Their stories aren't the same. She's telling me one thing and he's telling me the other.. who do i believe? My friend that i've known for about 2 years and has no reason to really lie to me, or the guy that i've just started seeing that does have a reason to lie to me cuz he wants me to not stop seeing him. I want to believe him. I want to trust him fully. But why would their stories not match?? Whos telling the truth?? Who's lying to me?? Is anyone leaving something out that I should know?? Why did it have to get complicated so soon in the relationship??

I know i don't usually regret anything in life. Because all of life's experiences shape and mold the person i have become today. But this whole 'joy' thing has made me regret not doing the show. It made me regret convincing her to do the show! It was all my fault that this came about because i seriously bugged the crap outta her to do the damn show. And then this happened. I should have stayed in the show. I should have done the damn show. This whole situation would have been avoided because I would have made it a point that he were with me. She wouldn't have had a chance to be close to him like that! Then I wouldn't be feeling such reservations and hesitation to fully put myself into the relationship.

I have put so much of myself into this relationship. More than I ever thought that I could allow myself to do. But I still don't feel like i'm fully 100% into the relationship because I still haven't gotten any closure to the whole situation. There are loose ends that I want tied. I want closure to it.. but the only way to do that is to have them talk to each other! And i know that will never happen. I want to be there to see them straighten this out together. I want to know the truth.. and the only way to get the truth is to get the two of them in the same room to discuss this with me. Maybe then I'll get some straight answers and then I can get the closure I need. Be it good news or bad news.. at least I'll know.. my mind could be at ease.

I mean, it's not like i lied about anything that went on between me and the other guy. I was absolutely, brutally truthful to everything that happened. Even when he didn't want to hear it. I expected him to change his mind about me, but thankfully, he didn't. So i will try not to get it to change my mind about him. I love Justyn. I just want answers. I want the truth. I want closure... that's all... closure....