My plea...

Most Catholics know NOTHING about their faith. Most Catholics don't even practice their faith!

Now why is that?

I'm pretty sure that the Catholic faith has the most "non-practicing" members than any other faith out there.

Why is that?

So many proclaimed-Catholics are as misinformed about that faith as many of the anti-Catholic faiths.

Is that why so many Catholics leave the Church?

If you really knew what the faith was about... would you really leave?

If you had an inkling of the the actual teachings of the Church would you let some other faith take you away?

Learn about your faith. Learn about the Truth. Study the Bible. OPEN THE BIBLE. All it takes is five minutes. Just read a passage or two. Familiarize yourself with it.

Go to Mass. Every week. Go to Mass. Take the Eucharist. Feel the presence of God, eat His body, drink His blood.

We get to do it every week! Every day! Why wouldn't you want to do that?

Rekindle your faith. Rekindle your love of Christ. Don't let people tell you that you are in the wrong religion.

You are Catholic. Learn WHY you are Catholic! Just don't say you are Catholic and then the teachings all wrong.

Learn to fight for your faith. Learn to defend your faith. You claim to be Catholic. WHY ARE YOU CATHOLIC? Learn your faith. Learn why you are Catholic.

Learn your faith.

Don't take your faith for granted. Don't take your being Catholic for granted.

God loves you. He made the ultimate sacrifice for you. You could use your time on earth to let Him know that you appreciate all He did for our salvation. Don't lose your faith.

Remain faithful to what you believe, but learn about what you believe, and why you believe it.

Decisions.. decisions..

One of the hardest decisions to ever make in life is when you have the life of someone else in your hands..

In my family's case, it's my grandfather..

It has been confirmed that he has Stage 4 Lung Cancer and all the other smoking-related diseases that come along with it.

Now the question is.. at his age.. which I believe is 81.. give or take a few years.. is chemo-therapy a good option for him?

He isn't sure what he wants, and that's why he's asking all of us for an opinion.

My first response is to say "yes!" Get all the treatment you can handle. Let's try to fight this thing. Go for it!

But then there are two sides to everything.

If he gets treatment, he may be too sick to enjoy the extension of his life. If he gets treatment, he may get too sick that it may shorten his life even more.

If he doesn't get treatment, then.. we'll never know how much longer we would have him around if he did get treatment..

Either way.. we'll be second guessing ourselves in the end.

It's such a hard decision to make and I keep praying to God that we make the right choice. I keep praying for guidance in this time of decision. We honestly don't know what to choose.

We hear reasons from both sides of the spectrum and they are all valid and they are all reasons why this is making it so hard for all of us.

Sigh..

Flip a coin..

Heads, you lose.

Tails, you lose.

Either way, you lose.

Either way, you're just unhappy.

Time heals all wounds, but the scars stay forever.

You live, you learn. You learn not to love again. You learn not to trust in love again. You learn not to fall again.

One right after the other.. failed.. failed.. failed..

"It wasn't meant to be."

"He wasn't the right one for you."

"You'll find that right guy especially when you stop looking."

You start to see through all those lies. They no longer make you feel better. You'd rather be alone.

Why would I get entangeled in such a mess again?

Why would I subject myself to all the hurt and the ups and downs again?

It's like smoking. You start to know that it's bad for you, yet you still do it and you still get involved. You know very well the affects it has, and you know so many people hurt by the affects. Yet, you still do it.

Not anymore.

I'm done.

I can't get hurt anymore.

I can't cry over another guy anymore.

I can't get my heart broken anymore.

I can't trust any guy anymore.

I'm done.

I'm done for good.

I'm done.

Busiest EVER!

This has definitely got to be the busiest December ever!

This past weekend was busy but so much fun. I got to spend the whole weekend singing at various church things for Simbang Gabi and what not. It was a lot of fun but I am defintely feeling the effects of it now. I am so tired, but it was defintely worth it all.

This week, especially tonight, I will be making my world-famous Christmas goodies platters that I didn't make last year cuz I was so busy as well.

This year I am determined to make them!

Well.. since I'm at work I'm going to have to make it short because my timer went off.

Oh well.

Snap!

My parents are planning on going to visit my grandfather in March.

I dont know if I ever mentioned it on here, but last week, we had found out that my grandfather was diagnosed with 4th stage metastic lung cancer. The doctor also diagnosed him with COPD and emphasema.

My grandfather smoked for a good majority of his life.

My grandfather is a walking statistic on the effects of smoking.

Sigh.

He should have quit when he had the chance. We know that at one point he DID quit, but the last time my aunt came to visit she told us that she believed that he had started smoking again.

Now, everytime I see someone smoke I can't help but get angry.

I just want to go up to them and say, "Do you realize how much pain and worry you will be causing your family in the future? Don't you realize how much pain and suffering you will be going through in the future? Do you know how much damage you are doing to yourself? Save yourself!"

It's so frustrating.

I'm worried about my grandfather and I really want to go there as soon as I can. I don't want to wait until he's lying in a hospital bed with all these tubes attached to him. I want to be able to see him walking about and talking.

I pray that by the time I am able to get there, which may be a month or two after my parents, that he is still in relatively good health.

Please pray for my grandfather.

It's not bad to pray for a miracle, but if that miracle won't happen, please pray that he will not suffer too much.

I wish there was a way to really stop all people from smoking so they can see how bad of a habit it really is.. please Lord.. show me how..

Thus begins the weekend of torture..

Friday: Work all day.. straight to San Marino to sing all night..

Saturday: Work in the morning.. Simbang Gabi reception singing at night..

Sunday: Mass in the morning.. Simbang Gabi a couple of hours later..

I NEED A BREAK!!!

I want you to know that I've been damaged..

When there has been so much tension and so much anger, is it fixable?

Should it be fixable?

I keep thinking that maybe I'm just too scared to try to see if it will work out. I keep thinking that maybe I will be missing out on something if I hold on.
I keep thinking that maybe a miracle would happen and we will get to be happy again.

But I don't know what is going to happen.

No one does.

I know that you aren't supposed to give up on love.

But..

But what if love's already given up on you?

Too much damage between us. Too much tension and too much anger.

When is it time to finally throw in the towel?

There's always that little bit of me in the back of my mind that says "just a little while longer.. just a little more.. you can do it.. it will all work out in the end.. if you just hold on a little more.."

There's always that feeling that I want to believe is love for him..

It's all preventing me from letting it all go..

Ugh..

Cold!

I am cranking my way through all the podcasts I have got loaded up on iTunes. I think that I had peaked at 1270+ podcasts that were not listened to. I was down to only about 2.0+ GB of memory left on my computer because of all the podcasts that were loaded into my computer.

Luckily I am down to about 1220+ podcasts and I have anywhere between 3.5-5.0 GB of memory on my computer.

Now, it may not seem like I have gotten through much of the podcasts. In reality, I have.

It's just that I can listen to about 10-12 podcasts a day, depending on the length of the episode, then when I refresh the subscriptions, I can end up loading between 6-10 new episodes.

I think by the end of the week, I can usually see that I have indeed listened to more than I have downloaded.

Well.. it makes sense to me.

I love my podcasts, it gives me something entertaining to listen to and I don't get tired of it cuz I'm always listening to a different episode all the time. It's not like when I'm listening to the music I have loaded, becuase after awhile I start getting repeated songs. With the podcasts, it's a different episode so I'm always listening to something new.

I love my iPod. I think if I get through enough podcasts, I will give up listening to my iPod at work during Lent.

Oooh, that's hardcore, but I'm sure I can do it.

Oh geez.. catch the flying time!

Wow, where did the week go?

Work has got me running around in circles. Home life and performance life has got me spinning around in circles. The choir has got me going also.

December is a bad month for any sort of leisure. I am learning this the hard way.

I'm exhausted but I can't stop. There are too many things to do that rest is just not an option right now. I promise myself in January that I will find some time to rest... i hope!

I am still around. I am still doing well.. I just barely have any time to surf the internet and blog around. I kinda miss it. It doesn't help that the internet is up and down at my house. Even my poor iPod Touch isn't picking up the Wi-Fi connection at my house so I can't even get on the internet from there!

I hope that it improves soon.

Hope everyone is more relaxed than I am.. but from the looks of it.. I think we are all in the same boat when it comes to the Christmas season.

Also, I've noticed that I have been much more assertive with expressing my faith when it comes to this Advent season. When people have been trying to be politically correct and telling me "happy holidays" i always seem to find myself replying with a "merry christmas."

I'm a Catholic. I celebrate Christmas. I will say it. I refuse to "PC."

That is all.

Enjoy the Advent season!

The most fun..

Ok.. tonight had to be one of the most fun nights I have had in awhile. Seriously. It was the Cursillo's Christmas party it was held in the parish that I sing in the choir for. I"m not necessarily a registered member of the parish, tho' i might as well be.

Anyway, the party was a success. I haven't danced like that in a long time and I haven't truly had fun like that in awhile.

I needed that little diversion.

Amen!

Slower than expected..

Ok, so it's ONLY tuesday. It's not even NOON yet.

Ya, this is setting up to be one of the slowest weeks EVER!

I also have to work on Saturday, so this will also be one of the LONGEST weeks ever.

I can't be bitter though. That means that I am needed at my workplace and that I still have some value in the facility so that means that I will stay longer. I just want to stay. I like the work here, even though I complain about how busy we are, I still like the type of work I do.

Being busy and tired is way better than be bored all day.

Even though when I would be bored all day at my old job, I got to stay on the computer and chat and blog all day. That was cool. But I felt kind of guilty using up my eight hours to sit and surf the internet all day (on my own computer that I would bring from home) and get paid for it.

It's all in the experience.

Oh well. Back to work!

Look who decides to show up!

Ok.. ok.. it's been A LONG TIME since my last blog entry.

No, I didn't fall of the face of the earth. I just got busy. That's all.

I got wrapped up (albeit too late) in the whole nanowrimo.org "write a 50K word novel in the month of november" craze. Granted. I got started on November 16th and as of now, I only have about 6K+ words.

I'm about 12% into completion and well... I highly doubt I'll make it to the end of november.

I'm not bitter tho. I'll try to finish it and we'll see what happens to it. Hahaha!

It's not very good. It's kinda "diary" ish.

It's the diary of a 20-something year old single girl. That's pretty much all it is. The story is told through the various diary entries she puts in her diary. It's a pretty unique concept. I know that it's similar to "brigdet jones diary" movie concept, but if i remember correctly, Bridget Jones had a lot of narration as well as the diary entries.

Mine is/was strictly diary entries.

I know it's not too good. I let Justyn read it and he says it's good. But Justyn is my bestest friend and he'd say only nice things to me. So, I know he's a tad biased.

Anyway, I'll try, once again, to stay regular on the blogging.

The Christmas season is quickly approaching. There are a lot of things to do.

I also had a pretty awesome Thanksgiving weekend. So, life is good so far. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Till next time!

Ok. I am using my iPod touch to type out this blog entry. Oh the possibilities this can lead to. This means that if there is available wifi in an area I am in, I can blog wherever I wanna.

Me likes!

Loner..

I think I have to finally admit to myself that I may NEVER be good enough to be in a relationship.

Maybe I'm just the type of person that will go through life all alone. I will have many failed relationships.. and most of the time the failure will be MY fault.

Maybe the "relationship thing" isn't for me..

Maybe "marriage" isn't for me..

Maybe "spending my life with someone else" isn't for me..

I certainly haven't found the right guy to do it..

I mean.. I may have found many "right guys" but I seem to just screw it up.. ALL THE TIME... and i'm not the least bit remorseful.. I mean.. I have my reasons for feeling the way I feel and doing the things I do.. why should I be sorry?

Seriously.. I mean.. what is the point? There is no point.. there is no point in trying to get into a relationship.. or keep a relationship.. if I'm just going to screw it up anyway.. and I have my reasons.. granted.. they not be good reasons.. but regardless.. I have my reasons..

Do you think there is a guy out there that WON'T give me those reasons to screw up a relationship with him? Is there a guy out there that won't resurrect my insecurities?

Can you help me find him??

Spiral..

I feel like I'm losing control in life.

I don't know. All things I thought I had in control are slowing spiraling away and scattering into a million pieces at my feet.

That's pretty much the best way I can explain it.

I'm losing control.

I feel like I've had this glass ball full of sand. I just dropped it in on the floor and the moment the ball shattered, high winds started to kick in.. blowing all the fine sand EVERYWHERE.

The fine sand is my life. Each particile of sand is every aspect of my life. Each aspect of my life is blowing every which way away from me because of the wind. Everything is blowing away from me and no matter how much I try to gather it all togther.. the wind blows it all over the place again.

I'm not liking this strange turn of events. I'm not liking the sudden loss of control.

What is going on in my life? Why is this happening?

I thought everything was smooth and honky-dory. What happened???

Follow me..

Today was a good day.

Better than yesterday.

Yesterday I was sick. I had a mild bout of food poisoning. It's a good thing I didn't eat a lot of what went bad. It's a good thing am much better today and that I got over it fast.

Today was a good day.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I always have a lot to be thankful for. My life is not always the drama that I always seem to write about. I guess that I'm always drawn to writing about things that bother me. It releases a lot of the emotions I am feeling because of it all.

Sadly, it makes my life look more dramatic than it really is.

Follow me around for a day and you'll see how good I can actually have it. I'm not always about confusion and contemplation.

I am about faith and trying to live my life according to my faith. I am about trying to trust in God's will and trying to offer up my hardships and trusting that He knows what He's getting me into.

Somedays are easier to deal with than others.

That's my humanity. I can't escape it.

Follow me.. and maybe we could engage in some pretty interesting conversation..

Call me stupid..

Call me stupid.. but I can't let it go.. I can't let him go..

I've had my share of messed up relationships.. I have easily walked away from all of them. Granted, I've had the obligatory heartache and whatnot, but I was able to walk away.

I can't walk away from this one. No matter how much I try, I can't walk away.

Is it stupidity, or is it something more?

No matter what has been put between us, no matter all the signs and all the advice.. it's something we just can't end.

Is it stupidity, or is it something more?

Thanks for everyone's comments and love. I appreciate it a lot. I guess it's just showing me what I am truly getting into right now.. pray for strength.. pray for a miracle.. pray for something!

Is it all in the name of love?

Is there a point to be madly in love with someone, but be completely miserable with that person too?

Is it healthy?

I mean, if there is one thing.. just one thing.. that is stopping you from having a perfectly happy relationship and that one thing is so important that you can't just get over it or let it go.. and you're willing to endure the unhappiness so that you don't have to make him choose between the other thing and you.. is it worth it?

Is it?

Meow!

Disappate..

We are all still living in a smokey haze. It's not as difficult to breathe as it was before. We are all still hoping that the fires will be put out completely. There are so many people that have lost their homes and so many things.

It's hard to think of my life as complicated when you put it in perspective to those victims of the fire.

There are so many things I have to be thankful for that I can't just dwell over all the little minute facts of my life right now.

I have a home. I didn't have to evacuate. My home was in the clear the whole time. My only problem was smoke inhalation. At least I had a home to go to when I needed to escape the smoke.

I think that they have the fires under control and the weather is finally cooperating with them. I pray for the firefighters and all that they have been doing. I pray for their safety and I pray for their families. I don't know how I could sleep at night knowing that a loved one is out there in the fires.. ON PURPOSE.. to fight them off..

I admire the strength of those families.. I admire the strength of the firefighters..

If only I could be that strong..

Cloud of smoke.

I am living in a cloud of smoke.

Literally and metaphorically. Wierd. Isn't it?

San Bernardino (where I work) is covered in smoke. The smoke is coming down from the mountain and we are sitting in a big cloud of smoke. There is not even a breeze here, so the smoke is just sitting here. It's hard to breathe, my eyes are burning, my skin is drying. My head is hurting so bad.

They finally told us that we could go home if the smoke is getting to us. I most likely will be after I finish writing out my project report. I am getting dizzy each time I try to move my head.

My life feels like I'm immersed in a cloud of smoke.

I thought I was so sure in my decision. I thought it was finally the right thing to do. But I was wrong. I was so wrong and I would do anything to take it all back and to just be the way it was before.

But God has reasons as to why He puts these things in life. It was my conscious decision, but I know that my life is in His hands.. so.. I must have been steered to do this for a reason.

If I was meant to have him in my life, the God will find a way to bring him back. If God says that we have gone as far as we could, then I must accept what I have decided.

I can't change what I had done. I can't take it back and not expect the repercussions.

If I could take it back.. I know better what to do with it when I get it back..

It's never going to be perfect.. but I would like it to be Christ-centered.

A relationship thrives based off of love, communication and God. If those three very important aspects are there, then anything can happen. That's what I want... with whoever God decides I should share that with..

I offer it up to the Lord..

Don't stop til you get enough..

I just got back from my first year serving at the Cursillo retreat. As you know, I did the retreat last year. I absolutely loved it. It was so far one of the best experiences of my life. It changed my outlook on my relationship with God and how I express that in my daily life.

I feel so blessed to be able to share that experience with this years candidates. I wanted to make sure they had the same experience I did it last year. I hope I did them proud.

The fires around here are really crazy. I am close enough to smell the smoke and to get ashes rained down on my car. I am close enough to see all the smoke surrounding me.

But thank God I'm far enough at this point to worry about the house or evacuating. I am praying that it won't ever get to that point.

I do know several people that have had to evacuate and several people that have the strong possibilty that their home has been lost. I really hope that they didn't lose their house.

I'm praying for their safety and for the survival of their home. I'm also praying for the firefighters. They are risking their lives to save all of us. True heroes.

Prayer..

My prayer life sucks.

No, really it does. I truly feel like I don't pray as often as I should.

Granted, I feel like I'm in "constant communication" with God at all times. For the most part, I do have little conversations with God throughout the day. I usually find myself saying a quick prayer, or making a quick comment to God about things that are going on that very second.

But I can't tell you that I actually sit down, make quiet time, and meditate in prayer.

Hence.. my prayer life sucks.

How can I teach children the importance of prayer if I have a hard time practicing it myself.

Must.. be.. disciplined!

I told the kids today that there are always prayers you have in your mind. No matter how big or how small, you will always have a prayer.

You could either be asking for something or thanking God for something. Most of the time, kids only know about asking for something, but I wanted to let them know that prayer is also thanking God for something that they received or that they are thankful for.

I do that. For the most part, my prayers lately haven't even been about ME. They've been about my students, my friends, my family.. rarely for me anymore..

I need to start trying to take some time out of my day to thank God for all the things I have been blessed with. It's the least I could do for a life time of blessings He's been granting me..

Any suggstions on how I can go about making more time??

Another year starts.. today!

So.. today is the first day of my CCD class.

I'm excited, nervous, and hopeful.

I hope that this year will be better than any other the other years I have taught. This will be my third class. My first class was a blast, last years was questionable.. I don't know what to expect for this class.

I want to approach this class in a whole new light. I have learned so much from Cursillo and from listening to all those Catholic podcasts. I have a vision of how I want my class to be. I just don't know if that's the way it's going to end up. I'm praying that it will be close to what I'm imagining.. but who knows?

Well.. wish me luck.. and send a lil prayers my way!

Quickly came.. quickly passed..

Well.. my birthday is over. I am officially in my late twenties.

I really have nothing to be bitter about. I shouldn't have anything to be bitter about. I have no right to be bitter about anything when I know that the Lord has blessed me in so many ways.

Things are looking up for me. Why dwell over things I can't have, or don't have at the moment? Why obsess over trying to get something that is not accessible to me? Why do all that? Why not trust that God will make things happen in His time, and not mine?

I shouldn't have anything to worry about.

Except for this slight hang over..

"...and I will sing forever.."

Sometimes God throws you curveballs..

The Adult Chorale Troupe is starting up again for the Christmas season.. I was really looking forward to singing in ACT 2.. the solo group.. and I had the perfect song for the audition to.. "Where Are You Christmas" sung by Faith Hill.. I have been rehearsing it and working on it for awhile. I had sung it in the past and I really feel like I am ready to sing it again..

But the ACT 2 rehearsals are conflicting with my singing at Sacred Heart Church at 12:30pm. I can always rearrange my Mass attendance schedule but that would mean that I would have to sacrifice singing with the choir.. which I love..

I don't want the choir to think that my participation there is just an afterthought. I love singing in that choir.. I love serving the Lord thru the gift of song He was graciously given me..

I want to do both.. but I can't.. and I have to make a decision by this next Monday becuase that's when I am going to audition the song..

I think I am going to sacrifice ACT 2 for this show.. and then maybe compromise and allow myself to do the Broadway show's ACT 2..

Sigh.. this makes me bummed.. but I think I'm making the right compromise..

Keep on walking..

I made a personal declaration to myself to not give up on my life.

I just don't know how to stop feeling like I already have.

Life isn't fair. Everyone seems to have the life that I have always wanted. Yet they seem to be the farthest from God and any form of religion. They are "spiritual" rather than "religious" believing in the "higher power" but not practicing any faith..

Yet.. they are married.. some have kids.. and kids on the way..

That's what I want.. why can't I have that and practice my faith too?

Others do it.. why can't i?

I know that the answers are out there.. I have to stop sulking about my life and just go look for those answers..

But where? Where do i start?

What if the answers have been in front of me the whole time? What if it's right there under my nose? What if I'm missing the answers completely?

What if I never find it.. NO! I refuse to believe that I will never figure out the meaning of my life.. I refuse to believe that I will never find the answers..

Everything will be revealed to me in time.. slowly.. I just need to be patient..

Patience.. oh Lord.. help me!!

Me and Mother Theresa..

There is an article in Time Magazine about Mother Theresa and her "dark night of the soul."

Now, I have written about this in the past. I'm not sure how far back, but I know I have mentioned this before. I mentioned that I was going through a dark night of the soul, similar to Mother Theresa.

After reading the article, I never knew how deep the darkness was in her. She wrote things as if I were writing them myself. Mentioning things how God loves everyone else, and blesses everyone else.. but herself..

Everyone.. but her..

I mean.. Mother Theresa.. thinking God loves everyone.. but her.. MOTHER THERESA!

It's understandable for a person like me.. someone so insignificant.. someone not making much of an impact on this world.. to feel that way. If something were to happen to me.. the whole world would not mourn.. so.. it's easy to feel as God were to just overlook me. I believe in the goodness of God.. I believe that He is there for everyone.. but me..

It's more understandable for these feelings to come from me.. insignificant me..

But Mother Theresa.. wow.. she seems to be the one that the Lord has touched the MOST in our time.. how can she feel so detached?

It seems so surreal.. that Mother Theresa had felt the same exact things that I am going through right now..

Mother Theresa was such a religious icon of our time.. it's hard to believe that she can doubt and be human.. I guess she was just someone who I took for granted.. never even considering her human side..

I have so much more respect for her now.. knowing that she perservered through her "dark night of the soul," and knowing that it was just as deep as mine is now.. and to know that she got through it.. Knowing that she never gave up praying and praising our Lord.. it's very inspiring..

There is hope for me yet!

My mission.. should I choose to accept it..

Watching video podcasts. Catholic video podcasts. Well.. for the most part.. actually.. all of the podcasts and video podcasts that I am subscribed to are Catholic. Wait.. one of them is Homestarrunner but they don't update their video podcast.. so I don't think that counts anymore..

I have a strong need to learn and absorb as many things Catholic as I can. I want to learn so much about my faith and grow in my faith and all these podcasts and all the reading material that they suggest and point me towards have helped me a great deal.

So why not become a nun?

The thought has crossed my mind. And for awhile, my thought process was.. if things dont' work out with Justin and I .. then I'd discern that vocation.. well.. things didn't work out with Justin and I..

I just don't feel that my "call" is to religious life. I feel that I am to remain a lay person, but I do feel a pull to serve the Church in some deeper way. I want to be able to let all existing Catholics know what they are missing out on by not practicing their faith.

I feel that my call is not to really evangelize to non-Christians and non-Catholics.. but to "bring home" many of the baptized Catholics that have strayed from the faith. I want to make non-practicing Catholics embrace their faith and see it for all of it's beauty and to truly understand the origins of the teachings and to really study what is said from the Vatican and from the Pope before they make snap judgments based on the soundbites they get from global media.

I feel my calling is that.. especially for the children. I want them to understand and embrace their Catholic faith.. if children are raised with the knowlege and understanding of their faith.. then maybe the decisions they make as adolescents and then as adults would be better because they have a strong religous background.

And if it's just starts with one person.. and that person teaches it to their children.. and so on .. and so on.. then maybe.. just maybe.. the world will be in a much peaceful place..

All it takes is one person.. with enough love in their heart to believe that this can come true.. and the Lord will work things out in His time..

That Catholic Show on SQPN.com

I love this show. I love the website. It has so many great Catholic people trying to spread the good news of the Lord and teach us things about the fatih that most people might not know or might be questioning themselves.

I have learned so much and am a huge fan of all the podcasts and video podcasts they have on there. May the Lord continue to bless each and every one of them for all their hard work!

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time..

TGIF!

It's about time Friday came along. I know that we had Monday off, but I sure doesn't feel like I did. This week went by slower than the usual. I hope to have a pretty interesting weekend.

I plan on having a facial tomorrow. I need one, my face is in dire need of one. Hopefully the "spa treatment" will help me feel a little more relaxed. I have been holding a lot of tension in my jaw again lately. For some reason thats were I hold it when I feel so much stress. It gives me headaches and I have the beginnings of TMJ now. Yuck!

Pretty soon I'll have to be sleeping with a bite guard.. haha.. that's a sight!

I hope it doesn't get to that point.. or even to the point that I have to get braces again or something.. that would suck so much! I have resorted to keeping my mouth open from the inside at ALL TIMES.. even so much as to put my tongue between my bottom and top molars to prevent me from biting down..

Yikes! Crazy jaw tension!

OLD.. OLD.. OLD.. me? never!

Anyway.. with my birthday quickly approaching I have made the realization that I have grown up.. A LOT.. within the past few years. I can honestly say that I don't think I am the same person I was two years ago.. in almost every aspect of my life..

I mean.. I even have a different job! I go from a Lab Coordinator at a small Biotech company.. to a Senior Research Associate at a University Lab. I like it. It's been challenging and fun. Yes.. science is fun.

I think my biggest changed has been spiritually and religiously.. I know that two years ago I had re-embraced my Catholic faith, but at that point I was still what some would call a "cafeteria Catholic".. one that picked and chose what teachings I would follow and ignore the rest..

Now.. I believe that I am fully immersed in my faith and want to.. and try very hard to.. follow every teaching and am learning so many things every day.. I listen to so many Catholic podcasts and have gone to so many talks and seminars and retreats.. People look at me call me devout.. tho' my actions may look as though I am.. I still feel that I am so far from being "devout".. I feel like I have so much more I need to learn and accept fully in order to be "devout". I honestly don' t feel worthy enough for the title of "devout Catholic." I'm a "practicing Catholic.. deeply rooted in my faith.." but hardly devout..

And yes.. I do feel there is a difference..

Anyway.. So.. basically.. I don't know if this growth of mine has steered me into someone better or worse.. maybe a little bit of both. I've come to find that through the years I have let my head decide a lot of things for me.. and sometimes I really don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. I have lost so much thinking and deciding with my head.. but at the same time.. I have gained so much too..

Well.. what do you think?

It makes me look OLD?!?!

So I chopped my hair off.. it's shorter than I had anticipated. I wanted it a little BELOW the shoulders.. he cut it AT the shoulders..

A co-worker says I look older.. AHHH!

You be the judge..

Missing the 80's..

Sideways ponytails.. mullets.. the outfits.. the music.. DEBBIE GIBSON..

Ahh.. the 80's.. when life was easy!

Emotional garbage..

I'm angry. I don't know why. I have this irrational anger in me right now. I can't explain it. Justin thinks I have to have an explanation for everything. I don't. I just don't. But the more he pries the more angry I get.

I know that the one thing I need to do is go to confession. I need some absolution of the sins that are plaguing my mind and my soul. I think that would make me feel better to talk it out with a priest and to pray to God for the forgiveness and to be granted that forgiveness and absolution. I think it would help a lot.

I never used to believe in confession. A devout practicing Catholic that didn't believe in confession .. me..

But the more I learn about my faith, the more I understand that it's not necessarily telling sins to another sinner.. Jesus had appointed these specific people to do His work in the absolution of sins.. though Jesus himself.. I don't know if that make sense.. I dont' think I'm explaining it right.. I don't know.. but it makes sense when someone else explains it.. but just not me..

I've never been a good at Catholic apologetics.. tho' I really think I should try to be.. because so many people have so many misconceptions about my religion.. and so many non-practicing Catholics have so many misguided notions about the religion.. I just want to set them all straight.. not necessarily for their conversion.. I believe that to each is his own.. but I just don't want them to think certain things about the Catholic church.. I'd rather them form an opinion based on FACT than based on rumor and misinterpreted teachings...

Is this the direction my life is supposed to go??

Youth is relative..

Someone had said.. "You're 27, you're still young. You have your whole life ahead of you to find that special someone to marry."

I guess..

But coming from a family that married off all the women in their early twenties.. the latest would be about 26ish.. then.. I am old.. I'm approaching my thirties and I am as single as you can get..

If I were to find someone.. I hardly think that jumping into a marriage solely just be beat that "married before 30" deadline is a smart thing to do..

If I were to find someone.. the earliest I'd be willing to get married is 31 or 32 ish..

Then.. I might want to enjoy the married life a little bit before jumping into parenthood.. so that means my first child could possibly come along by the time i'm 33-35 years old.. depending on how easy it would be for me to concieve..

Do you realize.. no matter how advance technology is nowadays.. how much greater my chances are of having a difficult pregnancy and having a child with possible problems are at that age?!?

Ya.. that is my greatest concern...

So.. ya.. youth is relative.. I may seem pretty young to all of you.. but to me.. time is ticking.. and is being wasted..

Losing my ability to blush..

Modesty.

Modesty and community theater.

It's like mixing oil and water. I mean, how do can you be modest when you HAVE do quick changes in the wings of the theater and everyone and everyone backstage is there and you have NO choice?

The answer is.. YOU CAN'T!

How can you be modest if certain roles call for certain outfits? How can you be modest as a dancer when sometimes the dance instructor puts you in these tiny little "tinkerbell" type outfits or in little leotards and what not?

The answer is.. YOU CAN'T!

There are certain instances, especially in the hobbies I have found myself immersed in, that modesty is just not an option. Modesty can be slightly detrimental to the overall outcome of the performance.

You can't simply run into the dressing room to do a less-than-five minute quick change.. especially if the dressing room is a little farther than just stripping down in the wings..

So maybe in a sense, I have lost my ability to blush.. but it isn't because I would go around flaunting and undressing like that in any other circumstance, but it's not like I really care anymore..

Does that make me a bad person??

IT'S OVER!

High School Musical is over. I'm sad to see it go, but at the same time, I'm so glad it's over. I get some of my time back and I get to finally cut my hair and get rid of all the hair I fried cuz I had to curl it three times a week.

I am exhausted. I really need to catch up with some sleep and whatnot!

Ok.. I just thought I'd share!

Life is painless for the brainless..

I get this way EVERY year. I feel like my life is never how I wanted it to be. In all honesty, my life is not up to ME to decide anyway. But I can't help but feel like such a failure.

The one thing I had always prayed for since I was young, as young as elementary school.. was to have a husband and children. I had ALWAYS prayed that. I had always wanted that. That has been the longest dream I had ever had.. the longest "want" I have ever wanted. I always felt I was destined to be the best mother and wife on the face of the earth..

Here I am.. at soon-to-be 27.. single... with no future of marriage..

Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong to not deserve that sort of life?

I'm starting to conclude that I will forever be "the single one" amidst a sea of married friends.. ALL my friends are married now.. ALL of them.. so when we go out.. it's either I have to tag along my ex (who is still a good friend of mine) or go by myself.. there is not prospective "new guy" in the picture.. there's nothing.. but myself..

It's getting harder and harder to believe that God is still "molding out that guy that is perfect for me.." like my mother always tries to tell me..

Maybe marriage isn't the right path for me.. but why give me such a strong desire for it???

Can't let the cute hair go to waste!!!

So I had to take pictures!

Why?

Why go searching for someone new when there is someone sitting right next to you that knows everything about you??

One time louder!

So, let's be totally superficial and vain today.

I need a pedicure. I do. But the thing is, I have a nasty blister on my heel that has not popped or gone down yet. It's rather icky. I don't want to pop it, I just want it to go away on it's own.

I got it last week when I meandered around Disneyland for two days in a row. Apparently I was not wearing good enough shoes to prevent me from getting blisters. So I have one big blister on the side of my right heel. It doesn't seem to be going anywhere either.

I don't want to get a pedicure and have the pedicure person pop it on accident or have something happen to it while my foot is soaking in the water like it usually does when one has a pedicure. Darn.

But I need one and I would really want one.

I hope that the blister goes away by the 29th of September. I fully intend on going to the Burke Williams Day Spa and pampering myself there with a full body massage and eucalyptus wrap and everything..

Ah.. What I wouldn't give to just go and do that NOW..

It was one of those weekends..

It was one of those weekends that I can classify as WORST DAY EVER!

It wasn't like anything drastic happened to me. It was just a whole bunch of little things that built up and became one big thing. Now that I look back at it, it was just a whole bunch of little stupid things, mixed together with the short fuse I had.. and there we go!

It was nuts.

There is this one thing in my life right now that I have decided to just let go. It started sometime last week. I had a taste of what I could possibly get into by continuing to pursue this new direction, and I really don't think it's worth entering. I don't know. I don't want to feel like I'm making a mistake by not even trying, but I don't want to have to waste my time by getting involved. I can't stop thinking about it, so I don't know what that means. But I know that there are things about this new venture that has raised so many of those "red flags" that tell me I SHOULDN'T get involved.

I think I should be very smart this time around and avoid it at all costs and just take my loses now and go and don't look back. I have to be strong about it and know that God will provide me with more ventures in the future. Who knows? This one that I am leaving may decide to better itself and I may find myself at the entrance of this path again. I'd like that, because I would like to see where it would lead me.

Maybe now is just not the right time..

It sucks..

It sucks to be so torn over things in my life right now. There things I want that I just can't have and it's frustrating because I never thought I'd end up being the one to experience all this. I always thought my lfie would be as clean-cut as everyone else's has been.

What did I do to deserve all of this??

It sucks..

It sucks to be so torn over things in my life right now. There things I want that I just can't have and it's frustrating because I never thought I'd end up being the one to experience all this. I always thought my lfie would be as clean-cut as everyone else's has been.

What did I do to deserve all of this??

I am not in the mood.

My mind has been somewhere else ALL DAY! Seriously. I haven't been feeling like working all day. And now.. I really don't feel like doing the show tonight.. I have to though.. so all I can do is buck up and deal.

I couldn't sleep last night. My mind was wandering then too.

I need to find some focus. Maybe I'm just very tired and so I'm lacking focus.

Well, this starts week three of HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. This maybe the next to the last weekend. If sales start picking up then we'll have three more weeks. I don't know if I want to end early or extend.

We'll see.

I couldn't have said it better myself..

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.


I got that from an email. It was one of many quotes about life and love. This one stuck out the most.. hmm..

Another curve ball..

I don't think I will ever understand why God likes to throw us all curve balls in life. One would think that if a person decides to follow Him, then He would make life so much easier for that person. If a person decides to follow God, then God would be happy and shower this person with blessings and gifts.

Sometimes I feel like it's the COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

Now, I know I'm wrong. It's not like I am being bombarded with disappointment and bad luck all the time.

It's not like that at all..

My life doesn't run smoothly. I don't really have the right to complain because I know so many more people that have it worse than I do. But at the same time, I know so many people that have a better life than I do.

I would love for my life to run smoothly. We all would.

But then again, this is just what I've been handed. God doesn't give us anything more than we can't handle. Apparently I can handle a lot. Maybe God is showing me that I can handle a lot more than I ever thought I could handle. But I won't lie and say that it is so very, very hard.

We all go through things for a reason. We all go through things so that we can exercise the freedom of choice that God gives us. What kills me is that we don't really ever know if we make the right choice after it is made. We can contemplate all we want about the possible scenarios, but those possible scenarios don't usually materialize.. and we can never turn back time and change our decision to see how our life would change accordingly.

It's frustrating, and I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way. But I just wish that there were moments.. especially the very important moments.. when we were allowed a sneak peak into the future depending on the choices presented to us.. so we would know we were making the right decision..

Sigh..

God has no time for you!

I was once told that I should stop praying for the things that are happening in my own life because God has other things to worry about in this world. He doesn't have time to deal with my petty life issues.

WHAT?!

I guess if you think of God in a "human" sense, then maybe..

Human's can only really deal with a few things at a time. Human's usually prioritize things according to most important. Mundane issues get pushed aside. Personal things get ignored when more worldwide things are a source of problem and issue.

But God is not human. God is Divine. No one can limit divinity. No one can set boundaries on divinity. God is able to deal with the worldwide and the mundane all at the same priority level.

God can deal with the war in Iraq and my personal life with the same amount of care and attention.

Divinity does not categorize prayers according to some sort of priority ranking.

He will grant prayers at His own time.

If God did things according to what we humans think is most important, don't you thnk that the war would be over? Don't you think that there would be peace on earth? Don't you think that world poverty would be abolished?

If God did things according to what we thought he should be concentrating on first the world would be such a different place.

The Lord does things in His own time. Regardless of what WE think is more important. What WE think is more important is not necessarily what HE things is most important. God is God for a reason.

It is our faith that keeps us believing that He always has time for us. No matter how mundane the prayer, no matter how insignificant we truly feel, no matter how unworthy we feel.

God always has time for us.

Am I allowed to be selfish?!

What about what is best for ME?

Sometimes I feel like I have sacrificed so much for everyone else that I have totally forgotten about me and my needs and what I want out of life.

Since when did I not count anymore?

I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to have a family. I want a husband to love me and support me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially. I want a husband that I can support mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially.

I want to be able to plan a wedding.

I want to go house hunting.

I want to plan a baby shower. To build a nursery. To have a child. To have a family.

Why isn't it happening to me? How long do I have to wait? How long do I have to journey through life this way?

When is it all going to happen to me?

:::So concludes my selfish rant. I shall go back to my normal self.:::

Go Wildcats!!!

Baseball..

Life throws you many, many different kinds pitches..

If you wanna relate your life to baseball.. I guess.. it just means you gotta be prepared to hit what ever life throws at you.. sometimes.. you miss.. sometimes you do hit it.. and it just goes in all sorts of odd directions.. and sometimes you hit it.. and someone catches and ruins everything.. or sometimes you hit it.. and it rolls around before someone grabs a hold of it and ruins everything.. sometimes.. you hit it.. and it gets tossed around.. but you still succeed..

And then.. there are those chance moments when you hit the ball outta the park.. HOME RUN!

I'm still waiting for my home run.. but I've always sucked at baseball..

"We're all in this together.."

It can go in ANY direction..

I'm at a point in my life that I can go in any direction..

I may or may not be working at my workplace by the beginning of September.. my contract ends September 1st.. and I did apply for a permanent position.. but I don't know if i'm going to get it.. I would love to.. but I just don't know.. no one is saying anything.. and i'm kinda too scared to ask..

I am not getting married anymore.. at least not next year.. so.. I don't really have to plan on completely settling down and starting to deal with the realities of married life and possible family life..

My life could go anywhere..

I was thinking of changing careers.. going into nursing if I don't get this permanent position.. the local community college has a program where you can "go up a ladder" in a career in nursing.. starting with being an LVN.. working for awhile.. then go back to school for another 2 years to become an RN.. then.. I'd work more and then enroll at this other school to work on my Bachelors Degree and eventually a Masters Degree in Nursing..

It's a good thought.. but I am also realzing that I did get a good bachelors degree in Biotechnology.. which my parents worked really hard to pay for me to get.. and why waste it? So.. I'm having second thoughts about this career change..

Offering it up to the Lord..

I guess that's all I can do.. is just offer up my future.. where ever the Lord takes me.. who knows.. I may just get sent into a while different direction than I am anticipating right now..

It's human nature to be frustrated and impatient about the unknown.. it's overcoming the humanity.. that's faith..

I am still thinking about getting a theology degree at a Catholic University down in San Diego.. I'd like that.. I think it'd be interesting.. maybe specialize in Scripture.. or Catholic history..

What ever direction the Lord takes me.. I should follow wholeheartedly.. I just hope that when he does start showing me where to go.. my eyes will be open enough to realize that I am being led somewhere..

Glamorous!

I've been waiting..

Wow.. what a weekend..

Rehearsal was RIDICULOUS! Hahah.. ok.. here's the part where I complain about stuff..

First off.. I'm NOT a runner. I don't run. I dance. There is a difference. I can dance, a lot, and I won't get excruciatingly tired. But if I have to run, oh boy.. I will NEVER recover!

The choreographer for the show had us run four laps around the theater block. It's not THAT bad.. and to be honest.. I have been wanting to start running.. but still.. FOUR LAPS.. for someone that hasn't really ran since her high school days.. that's A LOT OF RUNNING!

I know he meant well.. to build up the stamina so that we are able to get through the entire show without really exhausting ourselves.. and like I said.. I have been wanting to start running.. but I thought that I'd be able to go at it at a much slower pace... and it's not like it was running.. it was more like jogging.. but still..

I have bad knees..

My knees are what have been making me hesitant to start running.. but I really have been wanting to..

We'll see.. but my shins are hurting.. my poor legs aren't used to that kinda abuse.. hahah!

Oh well.. and he wants to do that every saturday.. hmm.. looks like i'll be coming late every saturday rehearsal.. hahaha!

All sorts of busy..

I have been living all sorts of busy lately.. being in the show is really starting to take it's toll on me.. this rehearsal schedule is killing me. I mean.. maybe it wasn't so bad if the theater was within 5 - 10 minutes from me.. but this theater is a good 20 - 30 minutes from me.

I suddenly remember why I've been so hesitant to branch out and do theater in other cities.. it's because of the horrendous driving..

I mean.. I guess I'm having fun.. I think it's cuz i'm the oldest of the "high school students" cast in this show.. and by at least 10 years of a difference.. that I really don't feel like I mesh well with the cast. I mesh well with the music director and choreographer.. only because I have worked with them sooo many times in the past.

I guess it also has something to do with the fact that I have been working/singing with adults so much, especially when i do stuff in Rancho for the Victoria Gardens Cultural Center..

I love the show.. I love the music.. it's fun no-brainer type stuff... and being able to dance again is GREAT.. but argh.. I feel like i'm getting too old for all of this!

Combating the darkness..

I've decided that I must not dwell in this "dark night" any longer. I think I've mulled over it for way too long and there is no other way out that to physically get myself out.

I think that the only way to really get out of this is to completely embrace the faith that has brought me into it. God gave this to me for a reason, and I believe it was to fully be able to understand why and how I believe in my Catholic faith. By immersing myself in it's teachings and message, I think I am finding my way out of this dark night by finding the inspiration and love of the Lord that I felt I had been missing for the past few weeks..

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in being with the Father. Through Him all things were made. For us men and our salvation He came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit, He was born of the Virgin Mary , and became man. For our sake He was crucified under Pontius Pilate; He suffered, died, and was buried. On the third day He rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures: He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end. We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son, He is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets. We believe in one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

This is what I believe.. this is what I embrace.. this is what is going to take away my dark night.. this is what I will use to combat my dark night.. this is what will save me from the darkness..

When the world.. explodes..

My dark night of the soul..

If I could.. I go to church everyday. If I could.. If I had the time, I'd visit the Blessed Sacrament everyday.. at least until I feel like God is with me again..

Yes.. my dark night of the soul.. when I feel most abandoned by the one that I put my full faith and trust in.. I know that I am not abandoned. In fact, I am sure that it is this time in my life that He is probably most closest to me.

It always seem to feel that He isn't there with me. I know that couldn't be further from the truth. He is always there, holding my hand, watching over me and guiding me. But I still feel so alone.

It's hard to make myself believe otherwise. And I think that is why I really have that need to visit the Church as often as possible. I think that is why I have this deep longing to visit the Blessed Sacrament. I just don't have the time, nor the availability.

My parish has exposition on the first Friday of the month and it's passed already.. so I have to wait til next month.. there are parishes in Riverside with perpetual adoration.. but I don't have time.. but I think that i should one of these days.. I really think I should..

I just need to be in that physical presense.. maybe that will help.. I just dont know..

I pray that this dark night passes soon..

Footloose and fancyfree...

If he took the picture at the point that I had stretched my arm up a little more.. it'd be perfect.. right now.. I just look like I have bad posture.. hahah!

I think I have stuffed my life with so many things right now that I am numb to all that I am supposed to be feeling. Now that I have a day off and now that I don't have much to do I feel so many things that I know I have been running away from.. Darn..

Happy Fourth of July!

May everyone have fun and enjoy the fireworks!

All that time..

I had an eventful weekend. I went to Disneyland and got my premium annual pass. It means I can go to Disneyland any time I want to! Ya baby!

I went to rehearsal and went out to dinner with some castmates. That was fun. It was nice to feel included in a group of people again. I have separated myself so much from life and everyone since the breakup. I'm slowly making my way back as a member of civilized society.

I just want everything fixed. Together or not.. I just want things to have a sense of certainty, and direction. I'm not one for this "one-day-at-a-time" business.. though I am learning.

I also know that God has His way of guiding me. I'm open to whatever He has for me.. though I'm still very discouraged at the fact that He allowed all this madness to happen in the first place.. I'm human and I'm allowed my moments of weakness.. but I also have to trust in Him.. it's a daily struggle that I hope will get easier in time..

I'm just saying..

This movie kicks @ss!!!

Monday, Monday..

Well.. we went to the wedding together. It was hard, as you can imagine. The ceremony was pretty hard to get through. We hadn't told my friends what had happened to us, but they wondered why I was so off. But the cat came out of the bag eventually and they were all very supportive.

We ended up having a great time though. The reception was so much fun. The DJ really knew how to keep the party going. It was great and it was the most fun I have had since everything decided to fall apart..

So.. it was.. ok..

I am.. ok...

Never thought it'd get easier...

Other than the pics of me dancing, this has got to be one of my favorite pictures from the show. My friend captured that moment precisely. I think it's cute!

I never thought I would say that everyday that we are apart is getting easier. I have my faith. It hasn't wavered. In fact, I think that my faith has gotten a lot stronger. I am learning to surrender it all.

Surrendering doesn't mean that I have to fall out of love with him. I do love him, very much so. And surrendering my trials and pain does not mean I have to love him less. I do love him dearly, but the separation is in God's hands now. I'm just here to live my life according to His will. I still pray that His will is going to lead us back together, but I don't know. No one knows.. no one knows until we get there..

We are going to a wedding today.. sigh.. weddings.. I hope I don't cry my eyes out. But it's comforting to know that he will be next to me as we watch my friend enter into that chapter in their lives.

I just hope and pray that I may be able to enter into that chapter too.. someday..

Slowly but surely.. pictures could help..

First of several pictures I have of the ACT (Adult Chorale Troupe) Broadway show.. the last show that was the last day of my happiness.. well.. sorta..

This was the beginning of the end for us.. I hate to admit it.. but it was the events that happened before this show that sent Justyn and I on this downward spiral that I am still grasping to understand..

I have lots more pictures.. and I hope to use these to slowly move on from this depressing topic and start posting some more light-hearted interesting things again..

I did get cast into another show.. I wasn't planning on doing one this summer.. but i figure that getting out will do me good.. it's a local community theater's version of Disney's High School Musical.. I'm a cheerleader.. ensemble.. but it should be fun.. it's a nice light-hearted show.. and I should have fun.. it'll give me a reason to go out.. and learn to move on.. I hope..

Wishing.. and hoping.. and thinking.. and praying..

Sigh..

That's all..

I just think about all I have lost within these past two weeks.. and.. sigh..

"Offer it up to the Lord.."

Ya... that was yesterday.. this is today..

But no.. I am making a conscious decsion.. I have to.. every morning.. to have a good day.. I have to make a conscious decision every morning to offer all this up to Him.. I have to make a conscious decision every morning to realize that something is going to hurt me today.. but I can't let it affect me anymore..

Yes.. I can hurt..

But I can no longer live my life at a standstill.. like I have for the past two weeks..

I just want him back completely.. and I don't know if that's possible.. I still love him a great deal and I still want nothing more than to be his lawfully wedded wife.. through sickness and in health.. for richer or for poorer.. til death do us part..

I still want that.. so badly.. it still hurts to know that this could have been taken away from me forever..

"Dear God,
I need to give you this cross I bear becasue I cannot carry it any longer. I can't.. it's too heavy.. it's too difficult.. the pain is just too much. I trust that You will carry this for me, and help me deal with the obstacles I have along the way.. toward my path to healing.. but please Dear Lord, if You get a chance.. please try to help us.. we know Your Will be done.. but maybe.. if possible.. You can allow that will to involve the two of us together again? Please try to find a way.. if You can.. I trust in Your decision and Your judgement.. what ever the outcome may be.. just help me get through today.. and the next day.. one day at a time.. Amen."

Sigh..

My vocation..

I always thought I was called into the vocation of married life.. to live a life for Christ Jesus in the vocation of married life.. to bring my husband and children toward our God.. toward faith in Our God..

But is it really my call?

I don't think that the vocation of Holy Orders is for me.. I can't be a nun.. I can vow chastity.. I can vow obedience (sorta) but the one thing I know I cannot vow is poverty.

I'm being completely honest.. I can't give up my lifestyle.. I can't give up the fruits of my hard work..

I do wanna give.. give.. give.. give to the church.. especially to the children.. i want to bring all children so much closer to Christ. I want to instill a foundation of faith before they get too old and then they start to stray..

I don't want them to realize the beauty of the fatih and mercy of our God when it's too late. I don't ever want them to miss a moment of knowing how great our God is.. I don't want them to make the same mistakes that I have made.. by straying away.. and finally embracing the faith completely.. just a couple of years ago.. I want them to surround themselves in the faith.. all of theri life.. knowing that God is good.. that he is kind and merciful..

That is my calling.. to help the children.. to find ways to raise funds for churches so that they can concentrate on the children and youth.. that's what I want..

But does that mean I have to sacrifice the vocation of married life? I can have a family and all of that.. can't I?

I still don't understand why he's taken it away from me..

The movie in my mind..

High school musical.. that song.. "When there was me and you.."

Why does something from the DISNEY CHANNEL.. something I'm totally identifying with at the moment..

Gosh.. I still love him so much.. and I still want nothing more than to be his lawfuly wedded wife.. I want nothing more than to grow old with him.. it hurts to see the possiblity of him slipping away from me forever..

The pain.. the hurt..

I know it's all I blog about.. but isn't that what my blog is for.. for me to release all these feelings trapped inside of me.. things i want to say.. that i can't say.. cuz it won't change anything..

Week one...

I am still not feeling any better.. in fact.. I feel worse.. I miss him so much..

There has to be a way.. there HAS to be a way.. but I just don't know.. for the first time.. neither of us can honestly say.. "it's going to be ok.. we are going to pull through this TOGETHER.." like we used to..

I love him.. I love him.. it's simple as that.. the Lord has to see that.. God has to know that our love is strong for each other.. he has to put that into consideration.. wouldn't he?

It's so easy to say "Jesus, I trust in You.."

And I can say that a million times.. but probably only really believe it 10 out of the million times I said it..

It's hard to trust when you always feel so let down.. when I know that He does work in mysterious ways.. I know He does things in His own time.. I know all that.. I know that I won't see the answers now.. I know all that.. I know about all the encouraging words that people have been telling me..

I want to hear that our love should endure.. that because we love each other.. we should be able to make it.. that we should still be together.. that we shouldn't have broken up.. etc.. etc..

This has been the slowest and most painful week of my life.. I just want to wake up from this aweful nightmare..

I know that God will show His mercy.. that God is here with me.. His is carrying the cross I bear.. but it doesn't mean it still can't hurt..

Pray for me.. Pray for us.. Pray for something..

"My heart forevermore holds still..."

Half of me has died. I just want to curl into a ball and die. I just want to disappear and no longer feel anything.

This pain is just to unbearable. I am trying to offer it up to the Lord, but I feel so abandoned right now..

Why is it the one true thing in my life that brought me spiritual strength and guidance.. is the one that took away the one person in my life that completed me?

Why did we have to make this sacrifice? Why did it have to resort to this?

I hurt.. everywhere.. I cry.. uncontrollably..

I would give anything to have him back.. to tell me that it's all going to be ok..

Why? Why? Why? Why???

Oh dear God.. why???

Why?

I don't want to go through this anymore.

I want to wake up from this awful nightmare and find everything back to the way it was before.

If we both love each other and miss each other and want to be back together.. why can't it just be that easy to say "ok.. we're back together"

Why?

Why take away the one thing in my life I was willing to go to the ends of the earth for? Why take away someone I love so deeply and so whole-heartedly and who loves me just the same? Why?

Today.. I break down..

It's whole day No. 2 since the fateful day of our separation.. we still talk.. we're both is serious pain.. the reason we split wasn't becasue of the fighting.. but something deeper than that.. the love is still there.. love..

I would give anything to have him hold me.. kiss me.. tell me everything will be ok.. that it was all a bad dream.. that we can be together.. anything.. but that.. anything but that one thing I know I can't give him..

He hurts too.. wanting the same thing.. but we know that until we find a solution.. we can't be..

I was fine yesterday..

But today.. I'm not.. today I woke up crying and haven't stopped since.. today the pain is soo deep that I don't want to do anything... today.. I feel like half of me has absolutely died.. today.. I am weak.. today.. i hurt.. today.. is worse than yesterday.. and worse than the day before..

Please God.. find a solution..

With the ups.. comes the downs..

I can't stop crying cuz I know this can't be it. But there's a feeling deep in my heart this is.. this is it.. for us.. this is the last time I'll see him.. the last time I can ever tell him I love him.. and the last time i might ever love someone enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him..

I don't want it to end.. but part of me says that this time.. it just might have to..

Love is supposed to conquer all.. why isn't it conquering this?

Is marriage and family and life-long love just something I wasn't meant to have? If that's the case.. why give me the possibilities in the first place?

I love him.. and I will always love him.. I was willing to walk thru fire.. I would have given my life if need be.. I love him that much.. he was my other half.. the one I would be spending the rest of my life with.. I would have fought for him.. but when is enough..enough..

It wasn't supposed to end this way.. we were supposed to get married.. have children.. have grandchildren.. grow old together and live happily ever after.. we both wanted that.. that is what we were aiming for.. we have enough love for that.. why can't we do it?

Why did the Lord have to give him to me.. and take him away like this.. what was the point to all this if it were going to end like this..

"People come into our lives for a reason.. bringing something we must learn.."

What have I learned? Never to fall in love.. never to let anyone in anymore.. that can't be right.. that can't be what God wanted me to get out of this..

I know the tears will eventually stop falling. I know the pain will eventually go away.. but I'm left with these scars.. deeply rooted in my heart.. and I dont know if i can ever get past that..

When you give your heart to someone.. you never expect it back..

If you're willing to do anything to make it work.. do you do so.. or just finally give up.. when love is supposed to conquer all..

Randomness never killed anyone..

Alright.. who's messin' with the weather?

Seriously.. I hate the drastic changes of the weather. It's been happening a lot lately. From being nice and sunny and warm.. to a sudden colder and cloudy day. Why? Is it global warming?

Ugh.. my hands.. dry.. cold.. icky.. this is one thing I despise about my job in the lab.. I have to wash my hands ALL THE TIME... and so I constantly have to put lotion on.. and I have invested in A LOT of lotion lately.. sigh..

The show is tomorrow.. oh boy! Can't wait.. but I hope this drastic weather change isn't going to affect my voice that much.. I kinda need to be in perfect vocal chord health..

I've been listening to my podcasts lately.. but I've been tuning them out in my ear a lot... not good.. how am I supposed to get the most out of these podcasts if I'm not really listening to them.. I'm hearing them.. but not listening.. two very different things.. sigh..

Ok.. enough randomness.. my mind is no longer here.. i'm so dead tired.. i took a nap at lunch.. but I think I still haven't fully woken up yet..

Woo hoo!

So.. there I go.. I just sold my first EBAY item. I shipped it out today and I'm rather proud of myself. I didn't get a lot out of it. I got one bid for the original auction price, but it doesn't matter because I sold it!

I'm working on another cross-stitching piece but I have been so busy with the show that I'm going to be in this Thursday. It's performance week and so we are bustin' booty trying to get it all perfected by then.. I haven't had time to work on the new cross-stitch piece.. it'll be cute. I can't wait til it's done but it's a lot more work so I'm probably going to raise the price a little bit.

I hope that the buyer is happy with what they got and will put it to good use. I didn't frame it or anything. I specified on the auction site that I was going to leave it up to the buyer to do what they wanted with it. Also.. I don't really know what to do with it after I finish it in the first place..

I was also thinking of starting to make all-twine-knotted rosaries like the ones that they talk about on the Rosary Army Podcast. I won't sell those, but I would like to participate in donating some to their site and giving some away at my church.. but with my already busy schedule.. I don't honestly think I can handle anything else...

Plus.. even tho' this is a very selfish excuse.. I will not be making any money out of it.. I think that the overall outcome of being charitable about it and just giving them away is much more rewarding.. I don't think I'm at a good place in my life to financially be comfortable like that..

But then again.. is there ever really "a good place and time"..

It's all about the trust in the Lord.. right??

Somebody's bored..

So I tried to make a video blog yesterday, but nothing I did came out nice or worthy of actually loading onto the internet. It was all just straight retarded. Sigh..

Anyway.. the show is coming up quickly. I mean.. on THURSDAY! That's nuts! My normal schedule will resume and I'll be able to go to Church at my regular time and start singing at the other Church again soon too. I'm excited. I think this show is going to be cool. I always love Broadway Revues.. they are always cool.

Alright.. random thought..
I always thought I was a drama queen.. but Justyn seriously takes the cake.. I'm just saying..

What do you do when your too human to forgive and forget?

What do you do when you want to follow Christ and emulate Him, but your humanity gets in the way?

What happens when that one person you never thought would hurt you, does?

What happens when you want to forgive, and you know you forgave, but you know you'll have a hard time forgetting?

Who's fault would it be if I can't forget? His? Mine?

Sigh.. it's just hard, I mean.. I'm disappointed in him and hurt. I'm not so much angry anymore. I've gotten over the anger. I'm just disappointed and hurt. Sometimes I wish I were just angry because anger disappates, but hurt and disappointment linger. Hurt, disappointment, and sadness take time to heal and go away. Anger is instant. I wish I were just angry.

Being sorry means that you will try your hardest to never, ever do it again. To repend and be sorry for your sins is to truly consciously not ever do it again. I want to trust that it won't, but humanity always states otherwise.

This was just a small offense. A small lie. But small lies can turn to big lies. And what else would he end up lying about?

But I'm letting this one go. I'm forgiving and I will learn to forget. It will be a journey to rebuild my trust, but the Lord will guide and provide, not only for him, but for me. The Lord will guide my heart to true forgiveness and true trust. The Lord will guide him to be truly repentant for it. And the Lord will give him the strength to not do it again.

That's the only thing I can do. Give it up and say "Jesus, I trust in You"

When life gives you obstacles..

Argh..

I have never been so stressed out at work in my life. I don't understand what is suddenly going wrong with my project. I'm frustrated, especially when i see the piles and piles of samples that need to be processed, that can't be processed because of this delay.

It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to throw the machine. I makes me want to give the responsibility to someone else to make the new positive control so that once it's fixed i can just run and run my samples without a care.

But I refuse to give up and I refuse to admit to failure. I will fix this, and I will make it better and I will be back to running samples in no time. I promise this!

Yesterday was the Confirmation Mass for the teenagers at our church. I was a beautiful ceremony and the Bishop did such a wonderful job. He was so inspirational and so touching I felt so moved.

I pray that the youth will continue to follow the Lord and will continue on with their spiritual journey and learn about the truth of our faith and the love of Jesus now and not years down the line, like me..

They are the future of our church and I pray that they will realize how important the Lord is in our lives and will find ways to enter into different ministries and follow the calling of their vocations in life to continue to strengthen their spiritual life and the church..

I'm going to be the crafting queen!

Cross Stitching.. yes..

I have entered the world of cross stitching.. I love it.. in fact that picture is a picture of the first completed cross stitch I have ever completed.. fully.. all by myself.. yes.. I am proud!

I had dabbled in to cross stitching when i was younger, but I really don't think i finished the kit that i started..

Remember when i had that plan to take over the world one doily at a time? Well.. I noticed on ebay that no one really bought a lot of crocheted stuff.. so i looked into cross stitched stuff and people are into that like CRAZY! So.. I decided to get in on that little venture..

So.. along with trying to earn money with selling those candles and home decor thru PartyLite.. which I love! I have decided to earn some extra cash by doing these little cross stitch projects and selling them on ebay. This is the first one I put up for auction... how does it look?

I put it up this afternoon after work.. and a few hours later.. IT GOT IT'S FIRST BID!!!

It's got seven days on Ebay.. and then.. let's hope that it works out and it sells for a good amount.. I'm currently working on another one right now.. and I've got two more kits after that which i am going to sell as well.. then.. if God permits.. I will take some of that money I earned and turn it around to buy more kits for myself.. and the rest will be extra saving money for the little fund justyn and i put together to help us get married..

I know it's not going to make a major impact on my finances.. but i realized how much fun and relaxing cross stitching is.. I totally love it.. tho I don't know if i'm talented enough to work outside of kits just yet.. we'll see.. hopefully..

I'll keep you posted as to what happened to my first Ebay auction!

It would only be soo easy..

It's a Wednesday night and I'm not teaching. ODD... not really..

The religious education school year is over for now. It is set to resume in October of this year. A new class... a new school year..

Why am I already thinking about it when I just finished this current year? Will I ever allow myself to just RELAX.. I don't want to stress myself out over a class I have never met before..

Breathe in..

Breathe out..

Breathe in..

Breathe out..

I'm currently working on a cross-stitching pattern of a snail. Yes. A snail....

It's a snail with a caption that says "Slow down and enjoy God's works"

Isn't that the truest thing ever! I totally need to read that.. it has to be my mantra...

I'm running out of things to blog about.. so if you have any questions or anything you think I should write about.. let me know.. i'll take suggestions.. i need the inspiration and direction.. feel free to send your thoughts and suggestions over.. please!!!

Something worth reposting..

I woke up this moring and wrote this on my myspace blog. I thought it was good enough to repost on to here.. hope ou like it!

You can make decisions in life that will always lead to comfort and safety... like running to the safety of your home whenever something doesn't go quite the way you wanted it to.. You can run and hide in the comfort of your own bed.. never to return to that place that caused you stress..

But in doing so.. you will never get to experience life. You will never get to that sense of adventure. You will never take risks.. you may never be happy.. you may never be complete..

Your other option is to get back into that car.. get back into that car with the one you know you can't live without.. and follow him anywhere... not knowing where he will lead you.. but knowing you will still be safe within that car. With him, you are still enclosed in that safety.. even though the outcome is unpredictable..

At least you'll feel complete.. at least you'll feel alive.. you won't have to hide.. and he has your hand.. he'll hold your hand.. put his arms around you when you doubt.. hold you close when you are scared.. because he does love you and won't let anything happen to you while you are in his car.. and on the adventure.. TOGETHER..

And in the back of your mind.. you will always know that you home will always be there.. no matter what adventures you have.. no matter where that car may take you.. that the home is still there to return to..

And that you can go running home.. TOGETHER..

Well.. that's it.. hope you enjoyed it.. have a great weekend!

Nothing seems to work..

Describe your feelings in one word: DISCOURAGED

Yes.. money discourages me..

There will never be enough money. I know.. money doesn't buy happiness. I know that. But I can't live my life without money. I can't get married. I can't live on my own. I can't find my own sense of independence without money.

No matter what I do, we will never have enough money. I can't do this alone. I'm the one that went out and started my lil business. I'm the one willing to put in all this extra money. Justyn just thinks it's good enough to put his fixed amount from every paycheck. Granted it's more than what I put, and I also put a fixed amount from every paycheck, but I'm always willing to put in some extra money.

He always says he will, he always plans to, but then HE NEVER DOES IT!!

What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to be encouraged by all this?

I'm depressed. I'm discouraged. I'm not happy.

There isn't enough..

There is never enough time in the day to get EVERYTHING done. I really admire the people that can manage their time effectively. I feel like if I do that, I will literally have no time to do anything fun or leisurely.

If I give myself something to do ALL THE TIME.. I will never have time to sit and admire the world around me.. I will never have time to feel the comfort of being in Justyn's arms.. I will never have the time to grab a cup of coffee and take advantage of the companionship I share with my friends..

But I feel like I rush through things just to feel like I have some sort of "free time"

I feel like I do so much..

Yet I feel like I don't do enough..

I'm sure everyone has felt that way..

However.. now that I have relaxed on my "candle business" outlook.. a little of the load has been lifted.. but I still feel like I want to do so much for that thing. I pray to the Lord all the time that He knows what's best to make the most of this small business experience.

I know He won't let me fail.

I just feel like I have so many things to offer.. I want to do so many things.. but there just isn't enough time..

I want to get married and start a family.. but do I even have time for that?? I don't want to overwork and realize when I'm older that I totally missed my chance..

I pray to God that doesn't happen to us..

Hey.. hey.. hey!

I think that I need a vacation. I am totally feeling the effects of "burn-out." I'm feeling them especially here at work. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE what I do here. I LOVE MY JOB!

Working in a bacteriology lab is a total dream come true! It's just that, I'm tired. I haven't had a proper vacation since.. gosh.. August of 2005?!?!

The only extra days off I would get are those little three day weekends that we get due to observed holidays.

I definitely need a vacation. I don't even mind just staying at home for a week. Sigh.. oh well.. I think that I will take a couple of days off soon. I need it. I really need it.

I need to refresh myself. Or I just might start going crazy.. crazier than I already am..

Getty Center.. a little taste..

Went to the J. Paul Getty Musuem in Los Angeles. I LOVE THIS PLACE!

This is just one of the paintings we took a picture of when we were there. We didn't take a whole bunch because a lot of the areas restricted the use of cameras, or the flash wasn't allowed and my camera wasn't able to take a good picture. But over the course of a few blog entries.. I will be sharing some of the great memories and pictures Justyn and I took at the Getty.

We both sparked an interest in photography.. he's had one for awhile.. and I recently found my "photography bug".. so we took a lot of photos of places.. and especially the gardens..

It's late and I should go to bed.. but I was so excited.. I wanted to start sharing!!!

Happy Mothers Day to all the mommies and grandmommies and soon-to-be mommies!!!

Haywire..

Ok.. so a little update on my lil blooming business..

What started off as Justyn's little book party has ended up being MY little book party. He didn't do as well as we anticipated, and I ended up with more people buying from me, so we thought it would be best to just give ME the party and he could try again next month and actually host a party at his house. Sounds good to me!

That's it. I didn't really earn much from that party in the first place. I mean, the party qualifies.. meaning it made more than $250 and i got one booking out of it. So.. I'm not a total loser.

I also figure that it is MY business. I am an INDEPENDENT consultant. I know I have certain goals and expectations to rise to from the person that took me on. However, I'm a busy person, and even though I would love to apply myself in that manner, it is logistically impossible right now.

I am doing the best I can and I will continue to do the best I can.. no matter what. I will set MY own goals.. and I will work to MY capacity. I have enough stress in my life. I really don't need to add any more..

The Lord will guide me in the direction he wants this business to take..