I need to learn to blog more frequently again..

Life is getting too busy for me to keep up with all these blogs and blog sites.. but i guess it's ok.. cuz the less frequent i tend to visit the blogs.. then.. the more things i should be able to blog about.. right? Probably not.. but I do have a bone to pick...

I have a bone to pick with my loverly boyfriend.. mr. "whenever you miss me.. i'm just a phone call away.." BULLSHIT!!!

Well.. let's see.. it seems like every single time i call him around this time and it's unexpected.. homeboy never seems to be home..

This is the guy that used to chew me out cuz i woudl complain about how much we would never talk on the phone.. or how little time we spend with each other.. and he would tell me that i could also make an effort by calling him too.. well.. see.. i call.. and HE ISN'T THERE.. in fact.. his mother says she doesn't know where the boy is.. hmmm...

Now.. i trust him and i know he isn't doing anything he shouldn't be.. but sheesh.. it seems like he's out of the house any moment he gets.. and i have one thing to say about that.. HMPH!

It's getting to the point that i'm just gonna stop calling.. i'm gonna stop trying to call around this time of the day.. i had a feeling that he wouldn't be home.. but i took a chance anyway.. just in case.. cuz i mean.. you never know.. right.. argh.. this isn't cool anymore.. sigh..

If God is a DJ...

If God is a DJ.. like it says in Pink's song.. then.. he's able to read blogs.. that's why I started another one here on this nifty blog site.. it's pretty personal.. and it digs deep into my mind.. deeper than these blogs.. cuz.. ya.. i'm SO DEEP...

Actually it get's quite personal.. i mean.. these are the things I would tell God if he were an actual person that I could actually talk to and get some actual feedback.. now i know that i can always talk to God.. but sometimes.. i feel like i'm just rambling on.. i know He hears me.. but my favorite form of communication has always been writing stuff down..

I know I'm not the best writer.. but you know.. i'm a science geek and i was never fond of writing conventionally.. i write how i think.. but if i necessarily have to.. i can write a pretty good school paper or whatever..

Gotta continue getting ready for work.. perhaps i'll continue this later.. when i already AM at work.. dun dun dun..

Man, oh man, oh man...

Countdown to going home.. soon.,. so very, very soon...

ARGH!!!!

This morning's traffic was great.. there was none.. smooth sailing all the way.. now.. if only God would grace me with that fortune EVERY morning.. then.. i wouldn't have to complain so much!

One more thing.. chocolate when you have a cough.. BAD! It apparently makes your cough SOOO much worse.. so ya.. stay away from the chocolate.. i should be telling myself this..

Ooooh.. if anyone is looking to buy me something for Christmas.. not that anyone I really know reads this.. um.. i need another keyboard protector thingy..

I have an Apple iBook G4... therefore.. i need an iSkin to cover my keyboard.. mine is slowly getting worn out.. soon.. the microscopic holes won't be so microscopic anymore.. some of the letters are clearly over used when you look at my keyboard protector.. you can see the wear and tear on certain letters and buttons.. like the space bar..

Well.. i guess i can wait til the next occasion.. or something..

I started a new blog..

I started a new blog on this site.. but it doesn't mean that I am neglecting this one.. really.. i swear.. even though it's been a couple of days since ive been on this.. oops.. my bad..

i shouldn't really be blogging right now.. i've got some things to do and i should be doing those instead of blogging here..

I'm sick and I have things i need to finish before i can rest.. i'm even skipping out on a ccd teacher's party that i shoudl be going to cuz i'm so under the weatehr.. i just want to lie down and watch many many movies.. so maybe that's what i'll do.. so i need to finish all that i can so that i can get it donw..

ok.. and i cant' type well.. tha'ts a sign of the sickness.. ahhh!

Now.. what..

is it healthy for the happiness in a relationship to be this fleeting.. i mean for everyday that we are happy.. we spend at least 12 days not happy..

I'm not say that we love each other less.. taht isn't the case.. if anything.. we totally love each other more.. but our happiness.. whether it be within ourselves.. or between each other.. always fleeting..

I don't want to reassess things anymore.. becuase I am sure that we both know what we both want..

But why is it.. that the closer I feel to reaching our goal.. the farther i feel we are being pulled from it..

I want so much to believe that one of these days.. years.. we WILL get married.. he is my future.. i want no one else..

But at the same time.. i feel.. that it will never happen for us.. there is always going to be something standing in our way.. it's frustrating.. really, really frustrating..

Sigh...

Here it goes.. i'm at work.. and no one's here.. and there's NOTHING to do.. normal bosses would say to just go home.. wouldn't they? I mean.. i'm wasting company money just sitting here at blogging.. right? Well.. apparently not.. cuz i'm still here.. i'm still sitting here blogging.. nothing else to do.. sigh.. that's it.. here I am... blogging away.. no.. don't worry about me.. i'm fine in here..

I should be at home.. baking.. that's what i should be doing.. i mean it didn't take that long to bake about eighty something last night.. i started at around 5:30-6ish.. and ended around 9 ish.. and tonight.. i have to make around sixty something ish.. cuz fifty of the originial eighty something.. went with my mom to her party today..

Well.. that leaves about thirty something in my possession.. so i take it back.. i need to make about seventy something tarts today.. that isn't so bad.. i can do that.. i got the hang of it yesterday so i can crank them out.. no chilling necessary.. it was making the dough TOO flaky.. and i didn't like it too much.. so ya..

Hm.. i think i want to make a Starbucks run.. but i'm lazy.. so maybe not.. sigh..

What else is left to do but blog???

Today is my dead grandmother's birthday..

December the eighth... my mother's mother's birthday.. four days later.. it's my own mother's birthday.. that's just how it goes.. i guess..

I really don't know how old my grandmother would be if she were still alive.. maybe in her eighties.. i think she died in her seventies.. all i remember was that it was the summer before my senior year... in june.. we had just gotten out of school.. i didn't have to go to color guard practices yet.. so it was a good thign cuz i didn't miss out on anything..

I cried when she died.. i also got really pissed off at my boyfriend at the time.. we had pulled the life support off of my grandmother.. so we watched her die.. my boyfrend was not around to comfort me.. he was packing for his vacation.. left me all alone.. he was going on vacation by himself to visit family.. it wasn't like it was a whole familything.. it was just him going somewhere else..

He left me alone.. went on vacation.. while i mourned the death of my grandmother..

I don't know.. we were young.. did he have a choice to skip out on the vacation to be with me.. at that time i was really hoping he would.. if he loved me as much as he claimed.. he would have.. wouldn't he??

Whatever.. its old news now..

My grandmother was nice.. but it was very obvious from the beginning she liked my brother more than me.. she blamed me for everything.. i'm not speaking ill of the dead.. because in other instances she was great.. she loved me.. i guess.. and i was sad when she died.. but i don't think it really hit me as hard as it hit everyone else in the family..

Even then.. i guess i was the black sheep..

She was the grandmother that told me that i coudlnt' sing.. and i probably couldn't at the time.. but it scarred me for life.. and til now.. i'm still VERY insecure about my singing voice..

It's my grandmother on my dad's side that i'm very close to.. she loves me and I know it... she'll just call every so often cuz she says she thinks of me and all of us here in the states.. she tells me how hard it is to deal with grandpa being a baby.. wife-y gab.. it's cute.. they are the cutest lil couple you've ever seen..

They are always taking care of each other.. when they walk.. they are always holding hands.. they love me.. and i know they do.. and they always show it when they are around..

I know that when it is their time to go.. that it is really going to affect me big time.. more so than my other grandmother.. and i saw my other grandmother a lot more than i saw my father's parents..

I was just hoping that i woudl be able to get married soon enough to where they were still healthy enough to fly out here to witness it all.. but my grandfather is getting old and he keeps saying that he's getting too old to fly.. and to travel.. but i'm still praying that i'd be getting married soon enough to have them come out here..

It's amazing the path my blogs take when i start talking about one thing.. and end up on a whole new subject..

And there was muuuusic...

I actually have a chance to blog today! Yay!

Today I'm just catching up with the paper work I neglected because I was in such a hurry to get out of here yesterday.. that i left the paper work to do today.. thank God for not piling on anything else just yet... I'm catching up with my paper work and then i'll clean up the lab.. dun.. dun.. dun..

Can you imagine me.. cleaning up... pshh-shaw!

Yawn..

I'm sleepy.. I've been sleepy all week. I think its the weather. This is the kind of weather in which all you want to do is cuddle in a bed full of pillows and a nice warm comforter and just sleep through the day.. without a care in the world.. just sleep.. man.. that would be nice..

Sigh..

Christmas is coming up and this is the first time i have acutally been stressed out about it.. i feel like i don't have enough time to do everything i need to do before christmas.. i feel like i've fallen behind.. or like i should have started in november or something..

Since when has the holidays become stressful for me????

I guess I'll just blog here!

Today is just one of those days that i just seem to be floating through.. one of those days taht you don' treally care what happens.. i'm just living my life.. and i don't want to be bothered..

And today.. was i bothered!!! My boss would not leave me alone to do my own work.. when he saw that i was obviously occupied by a million things.. i mean.. i can multi-task.. but a girl can only do so much before she fries her brain.. you know what i mean.. and i swear that my brain is almost totally fried..

Well.. i guess that's really all there is to discuss.. there isn't much cuz my mood doesn't allow it to be..

There was no music in my heart tonight...

I should be greatful that I'm in the lab. It is better than being stuck in the office doing nothing.. right?

Maybe it's because today is the non-thinking day and I was made to think. Actually think. Think.. think.. think.. but i don't want to think. I can't think cuz my mind is so not here today. My mind is gone. I'm so sleepy too.

I still have two hours in the God-forsaken facility!

Twenty minutes til the timer goes off..

NAPTIME!

Miserable..

Yes.. I'm miserable.. I'm at work.. duh!

I'm tired.. my stomach is bothering me... I have a headache the size of mt rushmore.. all i want to do is go home and sleep for days on end.. no.. just forever and ever and ever..

I can't wait til the day someone tells me that i don't have to work anymore but i'll be fully supported financially for the rest of my life.. yes.. that will be the life.. i'll just end up stressing myself with other things like.. chidlren.. house.. the "supporters" bills.. sigh..

I don't know what's better.. a working career woman.. or a housewife.. i guess they both have their down sides.. but at least as a housewife.. you life by your own rules.. not by the rules of some corporate office or boss..

I also can't wait for the day that I don't have to come into work here.. and i can work from home with a business of my own.. like the gifting business that i want to start.. making my own hours.. setting my own rules..

I guess you can say that i'm the type of person that likes to live by my rules.. i don't like being told what to do.. i like to do things my way.. in my own terms.. if i mess up.. then that's MY mess that I have to fix.. it was my conscious decision.. i made it.. now i have to lie in it..

I guess that's my philosophy..

Needless to say.. i'm finding it very difficult to live like that.. with everyone having their opinions on how i should live my life.. and me.., hesitantly listening to avoid conflict..

It's the "libra" in me.. always wanting balance.. even if that means sacrificing myself..

Last day of November... already?!?!

Today is the last day of November.. that means that tomorrow is DECEMBER!!! Holy guacamole, batman! How'd this happen? Where did all the time go?! I mean.. seriously.. it was barely September the last time I checked.. now.. its December?! OMG!!! That is insane!

That means next year is 2006.. i'm going to turn 26!!! Dread! Agony! Not another year!

I swear.. i always seem to remember that pact I made with myself.. if i am not satisfied with my life by the time i turn 30.. i was going to kill myself.. i was literally going to kill myself if i didn't like where my life was going at 30..

Turning 30 is NOT as far as I think it is.. my 20's are flying by really fast..

What do i do?!?!?!

Kiss me.. it's beginning to snow...

Sigh.. so my stomach decided to go rebellious on me and try to upchuck all the food.. or lack thereof.. that i have eaten. Thank God that all i had in my stomach was tea and tomato soup. Man.. that would have been one interesting pile of vomit.. it'd look like i have hepititis or something.. like i was throwing up blood..

That was a visual i wish i hadn't said..

Ok.. anyway.. i have been in and out of the lab and i wish i could have left.. but i can't.. i have soo much stuff to do.. and i can't take a day off cuz i'm not feeling THAT bad.. i'm saving it for a day that i'm practically on my deathbed! I'm not quite there yet.. so i'm not going to miss out on work.

I need a nice LONG vacation. I hate that i don't have school anymore cuz I don't get three month long summer breaks.. or two week winter breaks.. and a week long spring break. Those things don't exist for me anymore.. well.. unless i became a school teacher.. in that case.. then i'll have those summer breaks and whatnot.. but i don't.. so i can't.. so i'm here.. at work.. all the friggin' time..

I think i'm just getting bored with my surroundings too.. i've been here for over two years now.. and it's time i started re-decorating or something.. this look i'm seeing day in and day out.. is getting old for me.. it's time for a change!

To blog.. or not to blog.. is that really a question?!?!?!

AHHH! I'm in love with "The Notebook"... I sooo wanna read the book now.. i want to know if the book is just as good as the movie.. Nicholas Sparks books are usually really good. When I read "A Walk To Remember" man.. that was awesome.. just as good as the movie.. and i know i've read two more of his other books.. but i don't think i'd mind reading them again..

I want to read so many books. I returned the two books "1984" and "East of Eden" today to booksfree.com.. i don't know what books i am going to get next.. but i know it's going to be awhile. But I am going to try to make more time to read. Even if it means quiet reading time.. just justyn and i.. someplace peaceful.. just reading books..

Oooh.. i kinda like that idea.. just going down to the local library.. or starbucks.. or something..with a good book in each of our hands.. sitting on a couch.. and just reading... hell.. we can even do that at his house... just kinda sit there and read.. i actually think that's kinda romantic.. but that's just me.. sucker for simplicity..

I want to read more.. i really do.. and i wish i had more time on my hands.. so i think i'm going to try to make more.. so i need a book to read while waiting on my booksfree.com books.. hmm... i have "siddhartha" at home.. i'll try that one!

We're not gonna pay rent...

I'm going to see RENT today. Justyn is supposed to come over at noon-ish.. and it's almost 11.. so i should be getting ready.. but i'm still lying in bed.. with the intention to blog in all my sites befoer i get up.. that might not happen but it's ok.. i'm trying..

"A" for effort!

I'm starting to suffer from allergies.. my nose is itchy and one nostril is plugged up.. and yesterday my seasonal allergies came out in rash form.. today.. in nose form..

I hate allergies.. as much as i hate Mondays!!!

This isn't going to be a long entry.. i don't really know what to write about.. there isn't much going through my mind right now.. which is wierd cuz there is usually a million things running through my mind.. but nope.. not today.. just one thing on my mind today..

RENT

Yup and the fact that i'm going to see it today.. very excited!!!

Tomorrow we gobble gobble...

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.. the holiday I have learned to dread. I used to love this holiday. It used to be ranked as one of my most favorite holidays ever. I mean.. you can eat all the food you want.. and all the sweets.. and just gorge on all that is good.

That was when I had the metabolism of a five year old and was able to eat anything and everything and not worry about weight gain and inch gain and fitting into my size 5 jeans that I bought for $50-$70 a pair!

I am finally able to fit into thost size 3 suckers I bought about five years ago.. and why would I waste that on gorging all day on turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and pies up the wah-zoo!?! Um.. no thank you.. i'll pass.. i'd rather fit into those gawd awful size 3 jeans that I bought. i wish that they were cuter.. cuz now.. i look at them.. and think to myself.. what the hell was I thinking when I bought those.. I guess it was trendy back then.. it sure as hell isn't trendy now!!!!

Ya... so to all my avid readers... hee hee..

HAPPY GOBBLE GOBBLE DAY!!



Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm terrified and mistrusting..

Listening to Alanis Morrisette's "Everything".. it's playing on my iTunes because my iPod is in my other purse.. boo!

I'm exhausted and I'm so glad that this week is a short week. You really have no idea.. I have been through so much this past week and I thought I was over it.. but no.. it's left me slightly fractured.. I'm recovering.. but i don't know.. it's brought me back to that place I thought I left a while ago.. you know.. that place that I had to really make a conscious effort to leave... and hopefully not return to...

I feel like i'm going back.. and i'm making the conscious effort to stay away.. but i've already got my foot in the door and i'm it's pulling me in.. i'm using all my strenght to not get sucked in.. but i'm starting to get tired.. I know i can get through this.. i'm stronger than i was the first time i went there.. and i know i can overcome this.. it's not bothering me so much..

It's just leaving me really lonely.. i feel really lonely.. I don't like being alone..

A lot of this may have something to do with my monthly too.. i tend to get hormonal during this time of the month.. so i'm hoping it will pass once this time passes..

One can only pray...

Be my lover.. i'll cover you..

So.. have you ever felt the need to just slit your wrist just to watch it bleed???

Is it just me? Oh.. my bad..

I dont' know.. I slipped so damn far last week.. I used to be able to not think those things anymore.. I don't know what happened.. it has all come flooding back.. and i'm trying to stop myself.. but this sudden lonliness has swept all over me again.. and it's this dark cloud over my head.. this funky feeling of depression..

But it's like.. i know i'm fighting it.. cuz it's not totally all there llike it used to be.. and i'm going to keep trying to fight this.. cuz i don't want to end up back where i was again.. i don't want to be depressed.. i don't want to be on the verge of hurting myself again.. i don't want him to worry about my mental well-being anymore..

I thought I got over this.. I'm not going to get anymore than this.. I can't.. I can't let it get as bad as it did before..

I thought I'd never get out of that.. and I did.. so why is it comeing back?

What happened in that fight.. or in that issue with mother.. that brought it back.. that's bringing it back..

I need to be stronger than this.. i really do.. i need to over come this.. i really do.. i cna't keep living like this.. i really can't.. i have to be better than this.. i really do.,

I don't know why this is happeneing.. i really don't.. i just want it to go away.. i want it to go away and never come back..

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes..

Countdown to RENT.. oh yes.. this is gonna be great!

I'm starting myself.. getting "into the zone"

My CD player in my car is all RENT.. all the time!

Yes!

I just feel like typing.. about nothiing in particular..

So Im feeling all bent outta shape. So I'm just going to type about nothing really important. Not that what i type is so profoundly important. But there is usually some sense and direction to it. No.. not today!

Today is not going to make sense until i say it does. I am going to keep rambling. It gets my mind of the fact that I'm feeling really lonely today. It gets my mind off the fact that I am kinda hungry.

I don't want to eat. Food makes people get fat.

I want to go home and get warm. It's cold in this buidling. It's cold in my office. i want to go under my covers and sleep for the rest of my life. Just live in my little dream world. Not that my dream world is any different than the real world. But in my dream world.. i get much more sleep cuz there are more hours in the day to get lots of stuff done.

One down.. one to go... do you think i'll finish the one that i recieved today?! We'll see.. it's only 10am. Anything is possible.

Dude.. I can't sleep..

It's 9:15pm.. I have nothing to do.. so i should just go to bed.. but i can't.. i can't sleep cuz i have a lot on my mind..

I need to get away from things. I need a vacation. I can't wait until Dec. 10th. I'll be able to have a good time with friends. I'll be able to let loose with friends and justyn. I'll be able to have fun and forget the world just for that whole day. I can't wait. I really can't wait. I hope nothing happens between now and then to stop that event from happening.

I'm kinda scared because he isn't going to call me tonight. Something might happen that will make him change his mind about me. Something might happen that will make him leave me.

If it does happen.. i guess I deserve it. But I don't want it to happen..

We'll see what happens tomorrow..

Work.. work.. work..

This will never end.. the work.. will never end.. if i'm not career-working.. i'm relationship-working.. if i'm not relationship-working.. i'm family-working.. if i'm not family-working.. and hobby-working..

The work just never quits.. never ends.. ever ever ever..

Even if i were to eventually become a housewife.. and a mommy.. that has to be the hardest work yet! No rest.. no weekends.. no vacations.. constant work.. constant never ending work.. work work work.. and what's worse is that you get NO PAY!

On the upside.. my hair is extra cute today.. it's that messy kinda choppy layered look.. awww.. total rawk star.. oh ya!

Take that!

Can I really be that efficient as to blog in all my sites before noon?! After this entry.. i have one in blurty and i'm complete.

It's not like I really have anything to say. I seem to just be filling up space.

I do have one concern. I burnt the inside of my mouth fairly well. The roof of my mouth is just one big series of blisters and open blisters and owies..

It's cuz of this..

So I had to rush to buy the pizza and go home to drop it off so that i can go and bring my mom some overnight stuff.. so that pizza literally came outta the oven and was handed to me.. i should know.. cuz i watched it come out of the oven and into the box.. all with my four eyes..

So.. to be more efficient.. i decide to eat my share of the pizza in the car on the way to the house.. ya.. hot pizza.. hot pizza in my hand.. and hot pizza in my mouth.. yowzer!

It hurt like the dickens but i kept eating..

Now.. drinking my morning coffee was a painful experience.. i run my tongue on the roof of my mouth to discover more areas of burned mouth..

Ya.. not pleasant.. and now i must move on to blurty..

This I wish.. I aspire to be..

Sometimes.. no.. maybe all the time.. I wish I was a better writer. I wish I was more creative so that my blogs would be a better read. I mean.. I sit here.. reading everyone and their mother's blogs.. and I think to myself.. sheesh... these people write a hell of a lot more betterererereer than I do..

I also wish I was a better photographer. i wish I coudl take the cool pictures my brother takes.. and I wish I could edit them better too. I know how to use Photoshop.. but I don't know how to make them all cool and introspective and whatnot.. I just don't feel as creative as others in that department..

I think that when it comes to photography and writing.. my scientific mind tends to take over.. and where blurred lines and curves shoudl be.. my mind fills that in wiht straight and clearcut.. curse my scientific background!

Aye!

So.. I have to go to work early tomorrow. I'm waking up at a certain time.. and when I finish getting ready and leave.. and whatever time I get to work.. i don't care.. I know i'm waking up earlier than I usually do.. so it's ok.. whatever.. i'll get to work when i get there.. grr...

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow at some new doctors.. not Kaiser! Yes.. I'm not at Kaiser anymore. I have lost all my Kaiser family employee benfits.. I am on my own medically.. I no longer get the special "family" treatment because I am a Kaiser employee's daughter. I have to deal with my own insurance at my own hospital with my own doctor..

Scared? Well.. I am a llittle. I have been so used to the whole Kaiser lifestyle.. i never really thought I had to leave it eventually.. i alwasy thought that i'd be a kaiser kid for the rest of my lfie..that isn't so.. and i didn't think about it until now..

When I'm finally truly gone.. and i finally have to go to a different doctor..

This may seem quite trivial for a lot of you.. but this is a big step toward my "leaving the nest" type thing..

I'm a sucker for senimentality.. can't ya tell??

So.. what is it to you?!?!

I am still at work.. it's noon... on a Friday.. a holiday! It's Veteran's Day.. c'mon.. i should be able to go home.. or i should be able to take the day off in the first place.. everyone else is at home.. they have the day off or they don't have school.. why the hell am i here.. suck.. suck.. suck!

Well.. it's Friday..

We should not be allowed to work on Fridays and on Mondays.. Monday's are the WORST!!! I absolutely hate mondays.. there is just something about them.. it' slike i haven't recovered from Sunday.. don't let me get serious on a Monday..

I don't know why I'm talking about this.. maybe cuz i have this urge to just go home.. screw everything else.. just let me go home.. dang it!

It's been a rough emotional few days.. let me have a break.. i jsut wanna go home and take a lil nap.. do you think that's possible? I hope so.. I want to be able to take a nap before Justyn comes over.. I need rest..

I need sleep.

Why do i feel like crap today?

Let's count the reasons shall we...

1. It's rainy and gross
2. Justyn and I had a fight last night
3. The commute to work sucks.
4. The commute home will suck.
5. I feel fat.
6. It's rainy and gross.

Ya.. well.. there ya go.. the reason's why i feel like crap.

There were bells..

I've got that song in my head.. "Til there was you"...

I don't know why.. I also have the Sex and The City theme song stuck in my head too.. it's like a remix..

Sigh..

This is one of those icky gloomy days that i hate.. it's raining but not really.. but it really wants to.. and it sucks.. the sky is dark.. and the ground is wet.. not happy... not happy at all

Give me back summer.. give me back the sun.. c'mon.. sheesh!

I think I can go to bed now..

It's time to go to sleep. It's time for me to just relax and sleep. I have my teaching day tomorrow and I need rest. But for some strange.. odd.. reason.. My eyes are sleepy but my mind is awake with thoughts. These thoughts aren't important and significant... but they have the need to be blogged about.

It's raining tomorrow.. great.. i hate the rain.. i hate walking in the rain.. i hate driving in the rain..

Now I feel bad because it might rain in the morning and justyn works in the morning and that will mean he 'll have to walk around in the rain..

He likes walking in the rain. In fact.. he loves the rain.. but he's sick.. is it really a good idea for him to be meandering about in the rain?! I think not..

OMG! It is flippin freezing in my bedroom.. and flippin' freezing in my bed. Even under my covers I feel colder than out of my covers. I think it's because my comforter and bed are freezing.. and i'm surrounding myself in this freezing stuff.. hypothermia.. to the max!!!!

I want a hot cocoa.. grr..

Corner Bakery Obsession..

It's official.. i'm obsessed with the Corner Bakery Cafe. I just had them for lunch.. OMG! Yummy!

It's not like I am loading up on burgers and fries.. thank god.. i got the California Grille with a side order of Cheddar Brocolli soup.

Now.. I like the Corner Bakery in Rancho much better because the California Grille there is actually filled with veggies.. this one that i had just eaten.. well.. it was a lot of cheese.. but at least it wasn't as greasy as it used to be.. so i'm gonna not eat dinner tonight..

I need to start going to yoga.. right away.. i need to get back into the habit.. so i'll start tomorrow.. if justyn's still sick then i guess it's gonna have to wait unitl thursdya cuz i promised him that i'd go see him if he were still sick.. but still.. i really need to go to yoga.. so i need to go this weekend.. no ifs ands or buts about it.. i need it sooo bad.. so so so so bad..

I am terrified taht I'm starting to let myself get fat again.. cuz i ate food all weekend. And then I had lunch today. I must NOT have dinner tonight. I really shouldn't.. I better stop myself. I really should.

Grr... food is so frustrating!

Ha.. blogs.. how funny...

Blogs are funny. They have officially entered the land of Law & Order.. hahaha.. blogs..

That's interesting.. because if I ever end up missing or whatever.. then.. I can be found out about in my blogs.. all million of them.. hahahaha.. cuz I can.. cuz i have so many..

Well.. I'm sitting here.. watching this Law & Order movie show or whatever.. and this kid is annoying the crap outta me.. the mark of a great actor.. the ability to bug the crap outta me.. seriously..

On another note.. I am having a major allergy attack.. the itchy rashy kinda allergy attack.. one of those I get.. and i don't know what's worse.. the stuffy/runny nose allergy attack.. or these itchy ones.. I hate both of them.. cuz i shouldn't be getting these kinda allergy attacks.. it's totally retarded..

Yes.. so if anyone wants to know about me.. i get allergies.. the end!

Yawn... i'm about to fall asleep..

It's only 12:35? You mean to tell me I still have another three hours to go before my weekend starts? Waht kind of madness is this? I should have brought more movies with me to day. I watched one. But I should have brought more. i could have finished watching that entire collection today.

I am so wanting to just go home right now.. but i know i can't cuz my boss says he is planning on giving us a call at 3pm when he arrives where he's supposed to be at. To think.. I was supposed to be there too. Good thing i'm not. I dont really want to travel unless it's with friends and family. Business traveling just seems so lonely.

I'm totally ready for the weekend to start.

Last week, I met up with some friends. That was fun. This year we are going to try to schedule a christmas party. Good times and we all swore that we would see much more of each other now. It's good to know that I have friends like that. My girlfriend and I need to plan a trip to visit another girlfriend of ours down in san diego. Hopefully next year things work out. I want it to be fore veryone to go down there and pay her a visit. She's planning on buying a house down there and a housewaming party is definitely a must. Maybe we'll take a weekend out there.. starting friday so that we can help her out..

That would be fun.. i can't wait.

Finally feeling like a grown up that can go out and do stuff.. let's just see if it actually happens..

What's wrong with my equilibrium..

I think there is something wrong with my equilibrium.. but it could also be attributed to the fact that I may be dehydrated.. so Justyn's new assignment.. make sure i am hydrated..

Ha.. no not really.. i'm not going to put this all on justyn's shoulders.. my body is my issue and if i want to rehydrate myself.. then that's up to me.. i can't leave it up to anyone else to do for me.. that would defeat the purpose of my wanting to be independent and adult..

I feel kinda gross... my head is kinda not all here.. I'm kinda swimmy.. but i'm not going to let it get in the way of our Saturday plans..

Right God?

Yawn..

So i'm going to type this out with my eyes closed.. i tend to do this when i'm sleepy.. well.. when my eyes are sleepy but my mind and the rest of my body are wide awake..

I just want to put in an entry before i went to bed.. before the day is finally over. I wonder how many typos i have put in here already.. i literally have my eyes shut and i am not looking into the computer screen.. i guess that makes me talented.. but i know that there are probably many people than me that can do the same thing and type about fifty miles fiaster than me.. with no mistakes.. sheesh..

I envy them..

Neglected to be bloggy...

There has just been so much going on in my life.. i've negelected to be bloggy..

Work has just been super hectic. I can't keep up. Everything seems to be piling up and it's gettting hard to keep it all up too date..

Sheesh.. and I started this thing at noon.. it's about 2:15 right now.. and i bet i won't finish til 2:30.. hmm.. sad.. but true..

Spending the rest of the work day color the bottoms of the plate wells.. green.. yes.. that's right.. me.. the one with the bachelor's degree in biotechnoloy.. emphasizing on microbiology and pathology.. with a minor in chemistry.. coloring the bottom of wells green..

Yes.. that is the life of a college graduate..

Justyn and I are doing ok. There is a lot we have to get over. A lot has happened over the past two weeks, but we have survived to our 13th month anniversary. Well.. tomorrow we will have survived to our 13th month anniversary. We know that no matter what we have been going through for these past few weeks, that the love we feel is still there and is still strong. I'm beginning to be a firm believer in love conquering all. Especially with us.. there have been many times that most couples would have just given up. Maybe we're stupid.. maybe we know something they dont.. maybe we just have so much love between us that we can't see it going to waste.. and maybe.. everything is going to work out.. and i will get my "happily ever after" in the end..

Life isn't a fairy tale.. it never was.. and I don't think it ever will be.. life is work.. and it's not always easy.. but if you have someone next to you working just as hard.. then.. it doesn't seem so bad after all..

I know God knows what he's doing with me.. and with us.. i trust that God will do what's best..

I'm pathetic at creative writing...

I'm keeping my mind clear..
Letting anything and everything filter through..
Maybe it will get clearer..
Perhaps a bit easier..
But to cleanse my mind of everything..
Of every thought of you..
Harder than I thought it would be..
Harder to admit that I should..

You became a part of me..
Half my life.. was all of you..
I let you in exclusively..
No one meant as much to me..
As you had ever been..

I've let this go on long enough..
A purge.. I need a cleanse..

Wash away the guilty feelings..
It wasn't my fault.. we ended this way..
Wash away the sadness..
Take away the weight, the pain..
I was buried under thoughts of you..
Buried in your memory..

It's time to rise above..
I'm so much better now..
I don't need you..
I don't need thoughts of you..
Images of you are faded now..

I've let this go on long enough..
A purge.. I need a cleanse..

Magic...

Is it really magic? I mean.. when two people fall in love.. is it really magic?

Ya.. it's kinda mysterious how two people meet amidst the millions of people in this world.. how.. how you find that one special person in the sea of people that you meet in a lifetime.. but is that really magic?

Does that kind of magical love that is found in movies really exist? Are all those sayings about "finding forever" and "mr. perfect not always being mr. right" and "not knowing when love hits you.. because it just comes".. are all those sayings true.. or is it just words written for the movies?

How can love be magic if you spend the rest of your life working at it.. keeping it healthy.. keeping it growing.. keeping it happy?

Where is that magical love that hits you.. like.. you just know... deep down.. in your heart.. in your soul.. that it's there.. no questions.. no doubts.. no fears about it failing.. no worries about it leaving.. does that really exsist???

All my life.. i've dreamed about finding that one magical true love.. well... maybe i've been dreaming about it since i've seen this movie a couple of years ago..

But still...

All my life.. i've dreamed about that special guy.. that will come.. look deep into my eyes.. tell me he's the one he's been waiting for all his life.. hold my face so gently in his hands.. pull me close.. and give me the most tenderest of kisses... then.. just hold me.. take me fully into his arms.. and just hold me.. whisper in my ear that he loves me.. that he never wants to let me go.. and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me..

I've dreamed of that one moment.. where it gets all hazy around us... we move in slow motion towards each other.. all the while.. gazing into each other's eyes.. he holds my hands... brings me close to him.. get's down on one knee... tells me that the time we've spent has been the best he's ever had.. that all he wants in this world is to be with me.. to grow old with me.. to have a family with me.. that he loves me and that i make him so happy.. he pulls out the ring and proposes...

I'm crying at that point.. and like a scene out of a movie.. i get down on my knees to get to his level.. i look into his teary eyes.. and pull his face close to mine.. and whisper 'yes'.. and then i bring him close and kiss him.. he takes my hand.. slips the ring on my finger.. looks into my eyes and tells me that i have just made him the happiest man on the earth..

Are magical moments like those only made for the movies?? Can they.. or will they.. ever happen in real life?

Have I been hoping for a lost cause? Have I been dreaming about something that will never happen in that manner? Is it a waste of mindspace or heartspace to yearn for moments like that?

Is love really all that magical???

Argh.. boo.. hiss.. and all that negative stuff...

Yes.. negative.. negative.. negative.. i'm so damn negative.. i'm drifting into positive... ha!

No.. not really.. I actually have been waking up quite pleasantly.. well.. as pleasant as you can get at 5:00 in the morning and it's freezing and you have to leave the comfort of your cozy bed.. sigh..

Don't you hate it when you heat up your food in the microwave and you heat it up too hot.. but the wierd thing is that the container is scalding.. but the food is lukewarm.. i just don't get it.. it's one of life's greatest mysteries.. ok.. well.. the food is still cold.. but i swear i burned myself getting the damn tupperware thingy outta the microwave.. sigh.. what is a girl to do!

Yes.. I know.. I have issues.. i'm stressing over the least stressable thing on the planet..

I can't help that I'm in a good mood.. hahaha..

But seriously speakiing.. I think that Friday has really been a turning point in my life for me.. I mean.. since then.. I found myself a tad more pleasanter and open to the fact that I can be cheerful and happy.. it may not seem like it cuz my mind seems to be heavy with thought.. but i guess it's just me.. facing everything.. every last possible detail and problem and trying to solve them.. or find some sorta resolution so that i can finally know what it feels to enjoy the relationship..

Ya.. so there!

I'm just me.. I'm just here..

TIRED!

I'm tired of working here.. I mean.. it's a great place to work at.. very lenient.. but still..

I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep.. forget about work.. forget about money.. forget about bills.. just have them not exist anymore.. for at least a month..

I need to start over again.. I need to start afresh.. i am so worn out and so burned out.. i'm finally able to admit it.. it's too much for me by myself here..

I need help here.. I need a knowlegable assistant.. someone that's going to stay longer than a month or two.. I need someone in this lab to help me! Good grief.. this is driving me nuts!

I need a vacation... i can't work like this.. i really can't.. i need to leave for a month.. to just relax and do nothing..

It's almost time to go home..

Guy's suck! They suck ass so bad!!! I mean really!!!

So ya.. that one guy from a long time ago.. ok.. last year.. argh..

Talked to my friend today.. and he gave me an unnecessary update on that ass.. no.. i'm not bitter.. just aggitated.. i swear.. he's so effin' retarded..

When we were "seeing each other" or whatever the hell you wanna call what we did together.. he was too lazy to drive all the way from his house to my house.. saying that it's too far.. yadda yadda yadda.. i used to go to his house after class to hang out with him.. and then go home in the middle of the night.. and it wasn't a big deal for me.. and i know he would come out to hang with me.. but still.. i used to have to convince him.. or whatever.. grr.. and he used to say he liked me.. BULL!!

So i find out he's been seeing this girl out in NORTHERN CALI!!! C'mon.. he's been flying/driving out there every weekend or whatever for the longest time.. oh fine.. fontucky's too far.. but he can take a plane out there.. no big deal!

Ah! I guess I wasn't virginial enough for him.. argh.. asshole!

It's ok.. she can have is controlling self.. i don't need a guy like him.. too intense.. and had the potential of being really controlling..

I've got a man.. and he's great.. and he is willing to drive out to my house without throwing a shit-fit..

I guess when you find that one special person.. you're willing to go to all lengths to be with them..

But that just makes me feel a little hurt.. like it's a blow to my ego.. i guess i was just not good enough for him..

But in the end.. does it really matter? I mean.. look how it all ended up.. i'm with a great guy that i know is the one i'm willing to spend the rest of my life with.. i don't need him..

He was never straightforward... he played games.. she can have those games.. i've got the real thing.. and i'm thankful..

Last half hour of work...

Finally.. I'm down to the final work stretch..

Twenty five minutes left.. and I feel like i've only been at work for five minutes. Today zoomed by quickly. It helped that there was a lot to do.. but usually I'm dragging it.. but today.. i let the work consume me and I was finished in a flash. I think that I have an inxeplicable burst of energy and a morale boost from unspecified origins..

Ha.. me and my funky jargon..

Well.. there really isn't much to blog about when I'm trying very hard not to let the current things in my head get to me. I've aknowledged them.. and I really have no reason to worry about them.. there is honestly no cause to worry.. so why am i worrying?

I'm worrying cuz it's what I'm used to doing.. I'm used to really dwelling on something until it eats at me even though I dont have reason for it to eat at me.. then I let it affect the people arround me..

It used to make for some good blogging topic.. but now.. that i'm trying to let it go.. there is nothing to blog about.. except for the fact taht i'm trying to get it outta my head..

Look at what I loser I have become.. and i'm not joking either..

I mean.. how low of a person have i become.. really???

How much do i hate the cold?!

Man! I hate this.. I mean.. i love being bundled up in massive blankets.. amidst a sea of pillows.. i think i'm making up for my lack of "man In my bed".. ha!

Anyway.. i love being bundled and snuggled.. but not when i am freezing... i don't bundle and snuggle for the purpose of trying to gain warmth.. i should already be warm and the out side air shoudl not be freezing!!! Yes.. i have spoken!

Bring back the summer so that i can sleep in my hot peace!

Call me McGuyver.. suckers!!!

Yes! That makes me 100x cooler than I used to be.. ok.. so the story..

I was writing on the white board an update of pending tasks to do here at work.. when.. alas.. the black marker falls between the filing cabinet and the wall.. which is about 2 cm of space.. i couldn't put my finger let alone my hand through that gap.. and the marker was far enough that i couldn't just reach for it anyway..

So i get a ruler.. but the ruler is too short also.. but not by much..

So i twist up a paperclip.. and it reaches! Yay! But how do i drag the marker with a paper clip.. hmmm...

Aha! Scotch tape! I wrap scotch tape around the end of the paper clip.. and reach.. reach.. yes! i got it.. yay!

Marker is saved.. and i am a genius..

His name is Lancelot..

Ya.. nice subject title.. and this entry has NOTHING to do with Lancelot.. or Spamalot.. or anything.. even thought the Diva's Lament is playing on my iPod right now..

Here's a song.. it's pretty old.. but i found that Gary Valenciano sang it on the CD that I bought.. it was originally a duet here in america.. I love this song.. one of those quintessential wedding songs..

It was a Jim Brickman song.. sung by Jordan Hill and some guy..

Destiny

Jordan:
What if i never knew
what if i never found u
i'd never have this feeling in my heart

Billy:
how did this come to be?
i dont know how u found me
but from the moment i saw you
deep inside my heart i knew

chorus
(together)
baby you're my destiny
you and i were meant to be
with all my heart and soul
i'd give my love to have and hold
and as far as i can see
you were always meant to be..
my destiny

Billy:
i wanted someone like you
someone that i could hold on to
and give my love until the end of time

Jordan:
but forever was just a word (just a word)
something i'd only heard about
but now you're always there for me
when you say forever i believe

chorus
(together)
baby you're my destiny
you and i were meant to be
with all my heart and soul
i'd give my love to have and hold
and as far as i can see
you were always meant to be..
my destiny

Jordan:
ohhhh
(together)
maybe all we need is just a little faith
cause baby i believe

Billy:
that love will find a way

baby you're my destiny
youu and i were meant to be
with all my heart and soul
i'd give my love to have and hold
and as far as i can see
from now until eternity
you were always meant to be...
my destiny...
you're my destiny...ahhh..yea..yeaa...

I love this song.. Gary sings it as a solo.. i would love to sing this song too.. hmm.. ideas...

It's a wierd world.. doncha know it...

It's a wierd world and it won't slow down.. it's a wierd world.. not matter how you roll it..

Wow.. BSB being profound and making sense..

I'm still late.. and every day that passes is another day i'm late.. but i know it's coming because my stomach is acting up.. and my stomach usually acts up before it comes.. but it's worrying me that i'm late.. and i think it's due to stress.. but i can't help feeling nervous everytime i'm late and stuff.. you know.. you would be too..

He doesn't seem worried.. but still.. it's worrying me.. and i hope i'm gonna get it soon.. i feel it.. maybe if i twist extra in yoga class tonight.. i'll wring it outta me.. gross!

Sigh.. now is not the time to be late.. i mean.. i don't need that extra stress right now.. i mean.. really..

At least I have time to blog today. Yesterday and friday were ridiculous... I had no time for anything but bustin' my ass of at work.. that is not fun.. at least now.. i'm able to sit here in the office and blog my heart out..

I added the Gary Valenciano CD to my iPod today. I put the damn thing on shuffle so I haven't heard one song from that CD.. i have about 300 songs in here.. so it might take awhile.. but i have heard a lot of New Found Glory.. hmm.. oh wait.. now it's the Black Eyed Peas..

Speaking of music.. i still have't made justyn his copy of Mr. A-Z.. he told me last friday.. well.. i'm not gonna see him til tomorrow.. hopefully.. so ya.. i'll just do it then.. if i remmeber..

I survived another Monday..

Well.. look at that.. i'm in bed by 10pm.. that's a miracle. I should be sleeping.. I took an allergy pill at 9:30.. i can feel it kicking in.. i hope it doesnt knock me out too much.. I don['t want to oversleep. This is the wrong week at work to oversleep.

There is just so much stuff to do.. and if he was smart.. he wouldn't have let my assistant go.. or at least tried to get an overlap so that we can train this new person at the same time.. so that it won't be so hard to get this person up to par.. i meshed with my old assistant.. he understood me and didn't take me too personally.. so i was able to tell him how to do things and i knew he wasn't offended..

Sigh.. i hate this.. it's like starting a relationship again.. how your feeling each other out.. except in relationships.. your happy cuz you found some one to spend time with..

Not like this stuff.. where your forced to work with this person..

NOT FAIR!!!

I have to go..

I have to get ready for my retreat.. why is it.. when I have to get ready for something.. i'm on my computer... blogging.. why?

Why can't I just get ready and go? Why must my computer get the best of me and cause me to be late because something profound popped into my head and i must express it on a blog before i go completely insane?

Well.. i dont really have anything profound to write about right now.. those profound thoughts usually come to me in the car.. while driving.. when it is absolutely impossible to pull out my computer and beging blogging...

"yes.. well.. i rear-ended the car in front of me because i was blogging about something that happened to me during the day. please forgive me officer..."

Ya.. that's gonna fly.. i'll get away with that..

No.. right now.. i have nothing but the urge to my move my fingers at a rapid pace.. forming words and sentences of the thoughts that are rambling through my mind at warp speeed.. however.. none of it makes any sense.. there fore i'm just typing...

I guess I'm avoiding getting ready.. cuz i need to go.. but i'm lazy.. it's one of those lazy saturdays where you dont' wanna really do anything but either lie down all day.. or hit the malls all day.. i did get paid ths week.. so my paycheck is screaming at me to buy somethingnew and cute.. maybe i might.. i think i'm going to the brea mall after the retreat.. so good times.. yay...

This is a sad.. pathetic lil journal entry.. i must go get ready as i hang my head in shame...

Here.. another Christian Bautista song.. a duet..

Miracle

i believe the fantasy of what
might be you and me.. yeah…
somehow I've known this moment,
written cross the stars in the sky

something like a miracle
whether it be real or make believe
i cherish the emotion
i never could feel
how a love so divine has taken
me over my mind

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is
more than a miracle
everyday of my life is carefully
entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

you've taken my heart away to a wonderland
you hold me in your arms… ever so tenderly
i'll whisper words so true
it's a thrill I can't deny
how you touch me deep inside
i feel your love, in every little way,
every single way
you're all I desire, that's why…

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life is
carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

and as the days go by I'll show just
how much I love you so
you'll be here always in my heart
around your way is where I'll be
to share my love so constantly
each time I smile is all because of you…
and you know it's true

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life
is carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life
is carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

Yes.. pretty.. too bad he's singing it with one of the chick singers i'm not too thrilled about.. nina.. nope don't like her..

So my dad worked a 16 hour day today... and he's doing it again tomorrow.. then i remember what justyn said about the overtime he had to do for the past few days.. and how he hates it.. how do you think my dad feels. he's busting his ass.. and justyn does one hour overtime (not in one day!) and he's complaining..

Now.. i understand that my dad and jusytn work different jobs.. and one hour of overtime doing justyn's job might be enough to kill somepeople..

But.. my dad's at work for 16 hours! That's more than half a day! Maybe that can put some perspective to his whining.. not that there's anything wrong.. but he should just kinda think about that...

Here.. another Christian Bautista song.. a duet..

Miracle

i believe the fantasy of what
might be you and me.. yeah…
somehow I've known this moment,
written cross the stars in the sky

something like a miracle
whether it be real or make believe
i cherish the emotion
i never could feel
how a love so divine has taken
me over my mind

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is
more than a miracle
everyday of my life is carefully
entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

you've taken my heart away to a wonderland
you hold me in your arms… ever so tenderly
i'll whisper words so true
it's a thrill I can't deny
how you touch me deep inside
i feel your love, in every little way,
every single way
you're all I desire, that's why…

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life is
carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

and as the days go by I'll show just
how much I love you so
you'll be here always in my heart
around your way is where I'll be
to share my love so constantly
each time I smile is all because of you…
and you know it's true

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life
is carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life
is carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

Yes.. pretty.. too bad he's singing it with one of the chick singers i'm not too thrilled about.. nina.. nope don't like her..

So my dad worked a 16 hour day today... and he's doing it again tomorrow.. then i remember what justyn said about the overtime he had to do for the past few days.. and how he hates it.. how do you think my dad feels. he's busting his ass.. and justyn does one hour overtime (not in one day!) and he's complaining..

Now.. i understand that my dad and jusytn work different jobs.. and one hour of overtime doing justyn's job might be enough to kill somepeople..

But.. my dad's at work for 16 hours! That's more than half a day! Maybe that can put some perspective to his whining.. not that there's anything wrong.. but he should just kinda think about that...

You got played!

Oh geez. So I'm watching "Ikaw Ang Lahat Sa Akin" and it's good. Man.. these people are getting played... woo wee..

Justyn's last day of school is today. I am so proud of him for sticking through this and finishing so highly. I love him and I'm very happy for him! Yay!

Doesn't he know that it's pretty much up to him whether or not we are going to be together for a long time.. that it's up to him whether or not this relationship goes further.. i don't plan on going anywhere.. all he has to do is say the word and i'll either stay or go..

Why does he question when it's all up to him... i'm the one that should be questioning things.. cuz i know what i want.. and at times.. i know what he wants.. but if anyone in this relationship should be questioning where we are going.. it should be me.. cuz i don't know what he wants in the end...

That's all..

I wanna sexy costume!

Sheesh.. this sucks.. if i were more enthusiastic about Halloween and if i were invited to any worthwhile Halloween parties.. i would most definitely jet down the Fredrick's of Hollywood and buy myself a sexy Halloween costume... sigh... oh well.. maybe next year.. but then again.. i might get fat next year.. we'll just see to it that it doesn't happen...

I wanna go to Urban Outfitters.. i have an urge to shop even though i know i shouldn't spend the money right now..

I'm also going into a food coma.. had yummy mexican food at durango's.. it's making me sleepy..

I am really not feeling it today.. I'm sleepy now.. especially after that lunch.. mmhmmm....

For some reason... that shoulder-stand i did yesterday in yoga class didn't agree with me.. my bone right behind my neck.. part of the first part of my spine.. don't ask me for names.. i can't remember right now.. cervical.. thorasic.. lumbar??? It' hurts. like its bruised...

Song of the moment belongs to my beloved Backstreet Boys... It's called.. "Just Want You To Know"

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know


The video is great.. they are wearing mullets! Sweet!

God's path.. or God-given free will...

If God's plan for someone was to die of being murdered does that mean he intended for the murderer to kill this person? I know that God is loving and wouldn't want any of us to kill but I just don't understand how his plan could include that for someone.


- Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

God has given each human being a free will and people can use that free will for good or for evil. Since God is all-knowing, God knows how people will use that gift of free will but that does not mean that he determines what they will do. You and I know that the sun will come up each morning but that doesn't mean that we make it come up each day. God knows what we will do with freedom but that doesn't mean that God determines what we do with our free will.


- Fr. Gary

So.. i'm reading this.. and i'm like.. what???

I've spent the majority of my early adulthood trying to accept the fact that God has a laid-out plan for me.. and I am just doing things according to His will.. He's got it all laid out and every hurt.. every pain.. every joy.. every laugh.. was part of His plan..

Now I'm reading this.. and it's telling me.. I'm doing things according to my own will.. it's all up to me.. He knows what kind of person I am and will be.. but he doens't make the decisions.. i do..

I understood that as a child.. whenever I would lie about something.. i was always told.."only God knows what you are doing.."

Then... as I got older.. i was told "things happen for a reason.. it's all God's will"

Then.. what about all this "thy will be done.." stuff in the Lord's Prayer..

So.. now.. are they telling me there is no such thing as "God's will?" And that I make my own destiny.. and God will judge me in the end? And.. all the bad things that happened... they are bad things and God had nothing to do with them..

Does that mean that nothing happens for a reason.. that.. they just happen... and it's up to us to do with it..

Gosh... it's like i've been jolted... it's like.. i don't really know what to believe about my life.. and the events of my life..

I'd like to think that we all have a plan.. a somewhat pre-determined plan.. that everything that we do.. and every thing that happens was because God wanted it to happen.. that He has a will for us.. "Thy Will be done.." we pray that all the time.. and now they are telling me that i make my own plans.. God just watches...

If God just watches.. does he ever really intervene.. is there really a such thing as "divine intervention?"

And if He just watches.. then.. what good are prayers? You pray and pray for something to happen.. but.. if He's just watching.. then.. all He is doing is listening.. it's up to us to really make those prayers come true... not Him..

Am I being a bad Catholic??? Or should I continue to search for something that makes more sense? I thought that Catholism made sense to me.. and in a lot of ways.. it does.. but.. after hearing that.. it's giving me those questions again...

And here's a new one.. is God doing this to me in order to strengthen my relationship with him.. or not??? What is the reason behind all this??? Why is this coming up in my life now.. especially when I am teaching children the works of God.. and of our faith.. why is this coming up now???

Did I do this one here?

"Thank You For Loving Me"

It's hard for me to say the things
I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words tonight

[Chorus:]
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

[Chorus:]
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

[Solo]

Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words tonight

[Chorus:]
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

When I couldn't fly
Oh, you gave me wings
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

I don't know if ever posted this song here... but i think this is the best way to describe thi nagging feeling i have in myself.. after justyn and i talked about what was bothering me.. and after i realized that it's just my impatience getting the best of me.. i became overwhelmed by this deep strong urge and feeling.. i coudln't explain it until this song came up on my iTunes.. and it just felt so right.. and maybe this is what i've been wanting to say to him.. this is what i want him to know i'm feeling..

It really takes a special type of person to handle me.. to stay with me this long.. and still tell me that he's happy to be with me.. really.. it takes a really special person.. amazing.. i know...

Hmmm... i think i need new undergarments...

OMG! They killed off Michael Vartan! NOOOOOOO!

Ya.. i'm watching Alias... i only watch that show for him.. cuz he's a definite hottie! OMG.. he's close to perfection... he's up there with Ashton!

Change.. change.. change.. i just feel like i need change.. like i'm restless and i need something new to snap me out of it.. like.. i want to just be in a new place.. with a new life..

I'll start with underwear.. it's high time i buy some new undies... i'm feeling the need for cutesy undies... i remember my ex used to buy me cute undies every christmas.. four years of cute undies.. now.. i have to get them myself.. hahahahahaha...

Have you ever felt so much emotion.. so much love for someone or something.. that you just wanna shout it out the window.. and you just want to be next to that thing or that person right now.. just to be near it..

I feel like that.. right now..

Keep on movin... gotta keep on movin'..

I am officially beat! This is true.

I just want to go to bed. But I have to go and prepare for tonight's class. There is no rest for the weary.. that's for sure!

My birthday has come and gone... so begins the 25th year of my life. I am going to accomplish something this year... so that i will be able to look back.. as i am approaching 26.. and say.. yes.. i've had a good year.. i got a lot accomplished.. life has been good to me..

I want that.. i really do.. andi know i'm going to have that.. i just know.. it's in my blood man.. in my bones!

In an effort...

In a desperate attempt to put my life back together.. i've come up with this strategy for today.. music..

1, 2, 3 bend
1, 2, 3 stretch
1, 2, 3 bend
1, 2, 3 stretch

Here's a message that I'm sending to you
You can do what you want to do
A little work never hurt no one
It's the only way to get things done

Chorus:
Put your mind to it, go for it
Get down and break a sweat
Rock and roll, you ain't seen nothin yet
Mind to it, go for it
Get down a break a sweat
Rock and roll, you ain't seen nothin yet

My love is strong whenever you're around
I walk on air, I barely touch the ground
And I'm so happy that you're with me now
You'll never see me in the lost and found

Chorus

My love is set for you
The rest is up to you

Yeah yeah yeah
Oooh oooh oooh
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah

I feel so good whenever you are near
You make my troubles seem to disappear
You're the one that I've been searching for
Cuz everyday I love you more and more

Chorus

Get down and go for it!!

From Saved by the Bell.. it's a tad inspirational.. a tad cheesy.. but whatever works..

I should be bloggy...

All by myself.. i am bloggy..

I'm lonely.. tired.. alone.. lonely.. lonely...

Nothing in the world seems to console me right now.. not even the comforting words from my beloved boyfriend.. they just seem to slide off me.. they can usually comfort me in times like this.. i can usually feel the words wrap themselves around me and i can feel them comforting me and making me feel better.. cuz it makes me feel like he's right there.. even if he can't be there.. his words were enough..

Now.. it doesn't.. it just makes me feel even more lonlier knowing that he isn't here and he can't hold me or make me feel better..

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.. i really don't.. usually after some soul-searching.. i can figure out the deep root of all this funkiness... now.. even if i do find some reason.. it's not deep enough.. it's still something else.. something i can't describe.. something i don't know..

Gosh.. someone pass me the prozac!

So much fun!

Oh my gosh.. today was fun. The first time in a long time that I did something on my own that I was satisfied with. Today was my first day of CCD class. The kids were awesome. They were attentive and fun. I had fun. I'm sure they had fun too.

Thank God for this opportunity. You really know how to show Your presense in my life. I'm forever greatful.. even though I don't seem like it.

I have got 10 minutes.. then it's off to the church i go!

Oh my gosh.. i have 10 minutes then i get to drive off and go to church and then prep for my class and oh.. there.. it starts..

I actually should go now cuz i have to get gas in my car first. And since the gas is cheaper here.. then.. i should just go here...

I can't wait til the week is over.

Plus.. i was just thinking.. he needs to save money this week cuz we're going to knotts next saturday.. aren't we? But he gets paid anyway.. but ya.. it's better we just do dinner/movie than anything else.. it's not like i've ever asked to we wow'd and wined and dined.. i just wanted to hang out..

What better thing to do...

So.. i've been sitting here.. on the computer all day.. blogging and surfing.. i've found a new past time.. movie trailers.. yes.. i am watching movie trailers.. joy of joys.. but i am compiling a list of movies i think i should see..

1. There's this Cameron Diaz movie.. called "in her shoes" or "in your shoes".. something about shoes.. looks good.. might make me cry..

2. That Reese Witherspoon movie that's out.. the one about "Just like heaven" or something..

Can you tell I'm bad with movie titles..

3. "Yours, Mine, and Ours" Only cuz Dennis Quaid.. is muy hott in the trailer!!!

The only thing that sucks is that Mac's use Quicktime.. and the quality is great.. but it just takes forever to load.. i'm still in the middle of the Yours Mine and Ours trailer.. but i still put it on the list.. well.. dennis quaid is HOTT!!!

4. "The Thing About My Folks" it looks cute...

You know.. i'd be going through this list a lot faster if these damn trailers loaded faster...

Ah! I give up!

The sun is shining.. it's a lovely day..

NOT!

Nothing to do at work.. and it's only 12:30pm! Ok.. can the day go any slower?

I'm antsy.. i need to do something.. i need to go somewhere.. i need to go shopping.. oh my gosh! That's it.. that's what I feel like I need to do.. i need to go to the mall..

Now that's bad.. when i have withdrawls and cravings to go shopping.. and it's not like i really want to BUY anything.. i just want to look around in stores and see what i can find.. which does usually end up in me purchasing something.. i gave into this about two weeks ago and i ended up buying my Coach purse..

Am I becoming a shop-a-holic? Is that a really medical condition? Is it a real addiction.. holy crap!

I'm so screwed!

Turkey on bagel.. swiss and mustard only please!

So.. here I am.. at work.. ok. ok.. i gave into my stomach's urge to eat.. damn it! So i ate as minimal as possible.. check the title.. that's what i ate..

Seems harmless enough.. nothing to get all chubby over.. and it was pretty good.. yummy.. had it at black coffee... that's why.. their sandwhiches are BOMB! Cuz I still use the word BOMB!

Sigh... so Justyn used that "I'm a sucker for your face" line on me yesterday after reading this blog. I basically called him a dork. Ya.. that was my reaction.. i'm sure that if it were in a more serious setting i would have swooned. But then again.. i've heard the line already and made some pre-conceived notions about it.. so i don't think i can ever take that line seriously..

By the way... i forgot to mention where i got it.. i got it from "My Fair Brady" the reality show based on Peter Knight and Adrienne Curry.. you know.. Peter Brady and that American's Top Model chick.. they met on that one reality show.. The Surreal Life and then got together and now have their own reality show.. talk about drama.. i thought justyn and i had our share of it.. man.. they take the cake!

Sigh.. my stomach feels heavy..

I'm a sucker for your face..

That has to be either the most sweetest.. or most cheesiest.. or most corniest.. or most lamest complement a guy has to give his girlfriend..

No.. Justyn didn't tell me that.. although i really don't know what I would do if he told me that. I dont know if I'll smile and think that's the cutest, sweetest thing... or if i'll make a snide remark.. it probably depends on the mood at the time..

Anyway.. i do know that i'm a sucker for his hugs... i love being wrapped up in his arms and feeling his entire self pressed up against me.. even in a non-sexual way. I think I'm most comfortable with life when i'm in his arms..

I'm still within the first 100 pages of East of Eden. I should be at least 200-300 pages into it.. I officially suck at reading.. so.. i'm going to try to read to at least page 100 today.. if its the last thing I do.. it's not that the book isn't interesting.. I forgot how wordy John Steinbeck can be.. but i also forgot how sucked into it i can be when reading his books.. it's feels like the wordiness doesn't bother me.. it enhances the reading experience..

The end!

Sigh.. boo.. hiss... and all that other bad stuff...

I got the chills.. this sucks.. and i don't know why..

My jaw is tight.... and now hurts.. hence.. giving me a head ache..

You know.. what I really need is a hug.. but i know i won't be getting one tonight.. and with my luck.. i won't be getting it til next week.. and.. honestly.. i really need it asap..

And.. i can be really selfish and tell him to do his best to come over tonight and give me this hug.. and maybe under different circumstances.. i would.. but things are a little different this time around.. and i should put him in a position to choose.

Where he needs to be is far more important for him than my simple request of a hug. He has nothing to feel guilty over.. cuz i know that if he reads this.. he just might start feeling it.. trust me.. it's ok..

Now.. in a totally unrelated note.. i broke another nail.. well.. not today.. it's been broken for awhile.. but today is the day i think i'm going to be brave and just chop it all off.. all my nails.. and just start over.. cuz it bugs the crap outta me when i have nails of all different lengths and file styles...

It's a bummer.. but i gotta do.. what i gotta do..

By the way.. sorry for the really pointless blog.. i'm running outta things to write!

Well.. so much for life...

I can't blog about my current disappointment.. i already did on xanga.. and my new outlook on these blogs is to blog on a different topic per blog.. so that you don't read the same thing over and over and over again.. just on different depth levels..

I'm trying to strive on originality..

So.. I'm sitting here in bed.. ok.. lying here in bed.. at 9:30pm.. yes.. that is early.. it's just that after I heard that news.. i really don't feel like doing anything else.. and i can do nothing but lie in bed.. so i'm taking advantage..

All over the news is the annulment of the marriage between renee zellwegger and that country guy... gosh.. i just hate how celebrities.. or other normal people.. consider marriage so trivial..

When i get married.. it's for life.. unless i'm being abused.. then i think that's suitable grounds for divorce.. but marriage is marriage.. a union.. you are promised to someone for the rest of your life.. and that's what people need to understand.. but they don't.. they think it's ok to get married becuase if it doens't work out.. then they can just get a divorce.. NO!

Then you might as well just stay in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.. sheesh..

Whatever.. i'm gonna go lie here somemore.. i was gonna read.. but i really don't feel like doing that either!

Yes.. I can think I'm cool now...

Yes. I believe I am cool. Because I officially own a COACH purse. Now I know your thinking "big deal" and "I know people that own Louis Vuittons and Burberry"

I know.. I know Coach is not the end all and be all of purses.. and believe me.. before I die.. I am going to own a Louis Vuitton and a Burberry purse.. trust me..

But.. it's just that owning that purse is..

1. My stepping stone to Louis and Burberry..

2. A testament to all the hard work I've endured through college and career...

I mean.. i've worked so hard through all my classes and suffered through it all.. and i work my little tushy off at work..

And I wouldn't have the purse.. if i didn't have the job

And I wouldn't have the job... if i didn't finish school..

So... it's just my lil award for all the hard work I've put myself through.. and my birthday pressie to myself cuz i'm cute..

Trust me.. once I get my Louis.. and my Burberry.. I'm set..

But.. everytime I go to the Louis stores.. i never really find anything I like.. not like Coach or Burberry.. so maybe i'll bypass the Louis.. and go for the Burberry.. until I find the Louis i really want..

There ya go.. taht's the plan..

It's not anger.. it's frustration..

I'm not mad.. really I'm not. There is no reason for me to be mad. I'm just frustrated. At everything, I am frustrated. There is really nothing to be frustrated towards.. but I am.. i'm frsutrated and aggrevated.. but not angry.

I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I just don't know where it's going.. or what i'm doing anymore. I don't know if this is the direction i'm supposed to be going. I don't know if this is the right direction i'm supposed to follow. With so many things going against everything I am doing right now.. it's no wonder why I am thinking of doing everything in the complete opposite. Maybe things would run smoother that way.

I just need to know whats going on right now. I just need to know I have a future. I know.. i'm not supposed to be thinking about it. And I know that romantically, I need to be thinking one day at a time. And he's told me that being at a standstill isn't always a bad thing.

But I just don't feel like he's ever going to bother with thinking about the future. Suggesting we take a step back and go through things at a slower pace.. its just made me feel like i've given him an invitation to stay the way we are.. and not talk about anything that can further the relatioship. Everytime I start to think of what's next.. he reminds me that I'm not supposed to think of the future.

What the hell? I mean.. isn't what we are all living towards.. isn't that the future?? I know I'm not supposed to dwell on the future... but it doesn't mean i can't think and try to see where my life is going.. i need to knwo.. and if he doesn't see a future.. then.. it's time to start to let me go.. cuz i don't want to be strung along in a dead-end relationshp..

I need to know.. that he has plans for us.. maybe not immediate.. but that we are working towards somthing.. right now.. i don't feel like we are working towards anything.. and that' only works for a little while...

I'm not trying to add any pressure.. becase it's not just my romantic situation that i'm frustrated with.. ti's everything else.. it's my whole life..

Am I going to stay at home forever.. will i never be able to do the things normal 20-somethings do.. like take weekends with my friends.. or with my boyfriend.. or party or do whatever...

Am I always just going to be stuck working and styaing home.. what am i going to do with my lfie???

I don't know.. i really don't know!

Here I am.. not asleep..

There are so many things to worry about. If it's not my problems, it's other things. But these problems we are all facing have put my life into perspecitve. At least my life isn't being threatened. At least the man in my life is not a psychopath. At least I don't have children taht i could potentially hurt in these situations i am in.

I'm just so worried that she could make the wrong move and many, many people could end up suffering her consequences. There are too many innocent people she's involved.

I don't want to see any of them get hurt.

There is just so much to pray for. So I am going to offer my prayers and my thoughts and my love and support to everyone out there.

I am also going to offer a prayer to justyn and his family. My thoughts.. my prayers.. my love.. and my support to them too..

I know God would let anyone down. He is by all of our sides, guiding us to where we need to be. Comforting us in times of need. He's here, watching over all of us.

:::silent prayer::::

Amen.

I broke a nail yesterday!

I broke a nail yesterday. I was doing stuff at work.. I guess that's when it happened. I noticed it on the drive home. I was looking at my hand.. as opposed to the road.. and saw my nail was broken. I was not a happy camper. Finally all my nails were at a relatively good length and still filed down really nice from my previous manicure.. now i have to cut it and then trim the rest of my nails down to relatively match.. and there goes the really nice filing job..

Ya.. i'm complaining about a broken nail.. so what?

I'd rather concentrate on my broken nail than on what's been going on in my life lately..

A broken nail my be trivial.. but it's a nice detour from dwelling over the more serious problems in life..

But I guess with shorter nails.. I can type much easier.. and i can thumb wrestle (and win!) Justyn without him complaining that my nails are digging into his palm..

I think I just made lemonade!

If only everything were that easy...

Aggitated..

Why does it seem like everything I do.. think.. or say.. pisses her off? Why is there no pleasing her? I am not out there to do the complete opposite of anything she says.. but i do have my own mind and i would like to do my own things once and awhile..

I do nothing but do as she says... i hardly ever question a damn thing she tells me to do.. i compromise all i want to do for the sake of avoiding her going off on me.. does she not ever see that? Does she not ever see that I bend over frickin' backwards to just avoid conflict...

What the hell have I done that is so friggin' wrong in her eyes that makes every other move I make just a mortal sin? I don't understand why she has to pull such an attitude on me and then justify it with the whole 'unconditional love' speech..

Do I have to leave this house for her to realize how valuable I am? I have not done anything wrong.. every thing I have done has only been to stop her from questioning me.. all the lies i have to tell.. just to avoid confict..

If she was open to everything and allowed me to tell her anything.. like she always says i should.. then maybe i wouldn't have to go around and tell half stories about certain things.. and then when i do tell her the real story of whta i did she never believes.. well.. she never believes me about anything anyway..

She isn't better than me in anyway.. we both have a bachelors degree.. the only difference now is that she is older than me... i am in the same place she was in at her age.. no less.. i am not behind her in anyway.. why does she continue to treat me like i'm 2 inches tall..

God.. I just wish You would show me some mercy.. let her see taht I am not a bad person... show her that I am her daughter and I am not a little girl.. show her that I am a full-fledged adult with a mind of my own.. show her that I want to live like everyone else..


God.. please.. i beg You.. please.. help me.. help her.. help us.. please.. please.. please.. please...

Ha!

So you would think that since I have been praying to God about what to do about my living situation.. and how I told God that I think I've finally decided that it is best for me to move out.. and how I asked God if that was the right thing to do.. you would think that He'd show me that living at home isn't a bad idea. He'd show me how good I really do have it here in my house. That I should just continue to bear with it until that blessed day comes that i may get married and start a home of my own..

Nope...

God had done nothing but show me that I have made the right decision.. He has seemed to make my life harder than it's been before.. every little thing I seem to do or feel in this house is now the object of criticism.. they have done nothing but raise my blood pressure and cause my heart to beat so hard that i feel like it's going to explode.. and then they have the nerve to blame it on my relationship... can't they see that they are the ones that are making me sick like this???

Anyway.. i have a plan.. and i'm not going to rush things.. i want to be financially stable and responsible enough that when i do tell them i'm moving out.. i have a concrete arguement.. i can tell them.. and they'd believe me that i'm ready..

If this is what needs to be done.. this is whats going to be done...

I just need God's continuing guidaince over me..

OMG! I'm such a control freak!!

It's amazing how much I learn about myself when I let someone else take over...

I am such a control freak!!!

So this is the second time i've let the other lab guy fill up an order.. all by himself.. and oh my gosh! What I wouldn't give to just sit there and watch every move he makes to make sure he does it MY way.. but i know he can't do it MY way.. he has to find his own groove to it.. but it kills me cuz i know i could have gotten that order out hours ago.. but he needs to learn.. and he's doing pretty well.. for a beginner...

Breathe in.. breathe out.. breathe in.. breathe out..

At least I'm not the one busting my ass doing the work.. hey.. look at that.. i made lemonade.. and i actually feel better about it too!

I get to sit here and veg out in front of my laptop and chat with justyn.. yay for letting someone else do the work!

Now.. why did that just shock me?!?!

So.. i'm thinking the same thing.. why is it shocking that he wants to do the same thing.. is it because if we both move out of our homes.. neither of us will ever be able to save enough money to do what we ultimately wish to do in the future???

It's scares me to move out because that will just set me back hundreds.. if not thousands of dollars that i could have used to help save up to pay for our ultimate goal.. and so if he moves out.. we would be in the same predicament.. we could be using the money that the both of us would be spending on individual places to live.. on a house together.. a ceremony and a house.. cuz.. ultimately.. that's what we want.. right???

I guess that's it.. and i'm not taking it back.. and i'm not going to feel badly for it.. that's how i feel.. and that's why.. no matter how much i want to.. i'm not going to.. at least not anytime soon.. i really have to see the direction the relationship is going before i can make that final decision to break away from home... and i know i'm not going to see the direction within the month.. or within the year.. but i need to see something.. and right now.. i feel like this could go somewhere.. so i'm making the sacrifice to stay.. even if it kills me..

But i'm slowly breaking out onto my own... i'm off my parents insurance.. i have my own car.. the only things they are really paying for is my gas and my phone bill.. as soon as i get my credit cards under control.. i'll take over my gas.. $200/mo.. and climbing... but if i keep my credit card spending down and use my debt card more often.. i should be able to handle that.. i make enough money.. i have to learn to use it wiser..

After i take over my gas.. then i can do my phone... then i'll be totally independent and they can't use the 'gas rule' on me.. then.. we'll see about my living place..

But now.. i have to get my finances under control.. learn to budget more..

I'm not going to take back that shock i felt.. that was genuine and i'm not sorry for it.. for once in my life.. i'm taking charge and i'm not taking any of these feelings back..

I miss Las Vegas...

I miss being in Las Vegas... I wasn't tense in Las Vegas.. I didn't even worry about time when I was in Las Vegas.. I just did my thing and I led my life..

But that was vacation. Who worries about time when your on vacation?

I guess I just feel so swamped here. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done. At least in Vegas, there wasn't anything important that needed to be done.. but we had all the time in the world to do it.. because nothing seems to close in Las Vegas...

Wishful thinking I guess... to want to live the vacation-lifestyle. No one can really live a vacation-lifestyle for the majority of their life. I guess that's why it's called a 'vacation'.. and not 'life'..

Sigh.. maybe i should just take another vacation..

Tonight's ponderings...

I'm staring at the blank screen... the space for blogging seems so large and i have the sudden urge to fill it up.. I have the sudden urge to fill this box up with words.. with thoughts.. with feelings.. and i have no idea what to write about.. i have nothing in particular in my mind that needs to be brought up.. just this sudden urge to fill up the page..

Now.. i dont' want to blog aimlessly.. i've been a member of blog explosion and everyone seems to have these uberly profound blogs and blog entries.. like everyone else always has something better to say than i do..

I know i'm not supposed to compare myself to others.. but sometimes other people always seem more interesting than i am.. then again.. they don't have a great boyfriend like i do..

And i do.. and i'm thanking God everyday that I have him in my life.. we have gone through so much.. and at the points in which other couples would give up.. we haven't.. i used to question that.. thinking that we were just both to scared to be alone.. now.. i'm starting to see that it's because we care so deeply about each other.. there is love between us.. and all of our problems and all of our issues.. we are getting through them because of our love of God and of each other..

We aren't giving up on this relationship because we see so much potential.. so much love in it.. you can't give something this good up..

The object of the game is to not take it for granted.. and i think we are doing a pretty good job at that.. considering it's almost ended several times.. you can't take something like this for granted.. you just can't..

This isn't like him... what is up?

I thought we had a good day yesterday. What happened?

Good grief.. it isn't even 10:00am yet!!!

This friday sucks.. it's too slow..

The coffee i'm drinking is making me feel so wired right now.. it doens't feel that great.. but i need it.. i'm too sleepy to deal with life and work.. ha!

Then again.. when am i ever willing to deal with life and work? Um.. never.. or maybe i should say.. hardly ever..

Here's the song of the moment.. thanks to Kelly Clarkson..

"Hear Me"

Hear me
Hear me

You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me

Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me

I used to be scared of
Letting someone in
But it gets so lonely
Being on my own
No one to talk to
And no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me

I'm restless and wild
I fall, but I try
I need someone to understand
Can you hear me?
I'm lost in my thoughts
And baby I've fought
For all that I've got
Can you hear me?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me

I have no concept of time, other than it is flying...

Well.. here I am.. blogging when I should be working. You know.. I'm sure I could get a lot more done if I would stop blogging and just work continuously. But then again.. what fun would that be? These are my required breaks during the work day.. right? At least I'm not spending hours on myspace.com. I'm branching out.. expressing myself in other blogs and in other ways.

I do have the pictures from Long Beach and from Vegas in this computer now.. i should work on putting them up on my sites.. hmm.. maybe later.. that takes too much time.. that'd have to wait..

I'm dizzy. I guess it's cuz while I was in vegas i was eating twice a day.. like normal people. Now.. i only eat when i get home. No food from dinner time to dinnertime the next day. Is that bad? Justyn seems to think so. But i think it's starting to finally take a toll on me. Maybe that explains my heart issues and the fact that i get dizzy so easy. Ya.. but at least I fit into my size 6 jeans again!

I'm sleepy.. and every time I move my head.. the room seems to follow... kinda like that tipsy feeling.. but not really cuz as the room spins.. so does my stomach..whoa.. not good..

It's official.. work sucks!

Good grief.. I go away for a week and good grief! Is there enough stuff that is piled up on me right now?

Garsh! I need another vacation. That would be terrific! Listening to Spamalot (thanks to my hunny) is helping the day go by a little lighter.. but i'm still overwhelmed by business.. but still.. it's entertaining.. so i'm glad I have it..

Grrr.. I wish I took two weeks off... sigh..

Oh well.. must get back to work!

Title?

I dont' know what to title this.. i don't even know why I'm here on blogging.. i should be getting ready cuz i have to go out today again and take care of my kiddies..

I want kids.. here.. a list of things i want.. but can't have.. at least for now...

1. Kids... well.. at least not yet.. i have to find a husband first..

2. A husband.. i'm in a relationship.. that's close to finding one.. i'd like to think that the person i am with is the one that will eventually be my husband.,. but no one really knows the future.. do they?

3. A place of my own.. that.. i am working on.. you'll see... i've made my decision.. married or not.. i am moving out within the next year or two..

4. Stability.. something that i thought i was close to having.. but was quickly taken away from me.. i would give anything to be stable again...

5. Time... this is something that i can probably never have.. once it goes,.. it can't ever be taken back.. so i must use the time i have effectively..

I guess thats all i can think of.. these are the things that i have that are important to me...

1. Love.. there is no doubt in my mind that i have love and that i am giving love.. i just pray to God that love will bring me #2 of my list of things i want..

2. Happiness.. yes.. i know i complain about not really having that.. but.. looking at my life.. evaluating what i have... and who i am with.. i am happy.. i am happy with him and with certain things.. i am starting to believe that no one can ever achieve total satisfaction and happiness in life.. because once you attain that.. what else is there to strive for? You lose your drive at life if you find yourself completely happy.. i guess...

3. Money.. and I have that.. what i need to learn is how to utilize it better.. so that I can achieve my #3... and it will happen..

Well.. i best be going now..

You know what i need more than ever lately.. Justyn. I really don't know why.. i just need him to be there for me.. i'm going thorugh something inside me that i don't quite understand and it only quiets down when he's with me.. i don't know.. i have to go so i can't elaborate.. maybe later.. on another blog site..