The stress gets too much to handle.

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to accomplish all the things that I want done in life. It kills me to think that there is so much I could be doing, but I'm not. I'm not blaming anyone because it's not really anyone's fault but my own. Sometimes I just want to let it all go and start my life all over again. Leave everything I have behind here and see how I do elsewhere.

But I'm not brave enough. And there are way too many people I would miss in this current world of mine. I cant live without the people in my life. Yet, there are times I think I can live without them.

I dont' know but it makes me feel very worthless at times..

I feel like I"m ready for an independent life. I feel like I'm ready for a life on my own. A complete adult life, complete with my own place and my own family.

I have my bachelors degree and my job.. but it still doesn't pay enough.. especially in California.. it doesn't pay enough.. i'd have to get another job if i really wanted to live comfortably on my own..

If i had two jobs.. how could i enjoy the comforts of my own place.. i'd be at work all the time..

I just wish things would just work out.. I dont' want to feel like a child anymore..

I don't want to feel like I'm not worth being an adult.. being someones wife.. being someones mother..

I'm 26.. I still live at home cuz i cna't afford to be on my own.. and we can't afford to be married and have a family of our own..

Does that mean I'm just not worthy of all those things that I really want out of life???

Wah.. wah.. wah..

Under the weather.

Why is it called "under the weather"?

Aren't we all under the weather?

Am I being annoyingly over-analytical?!

I'm sick.. leave me alone! Haha.. just kidding..

I'm kidding about the "leave me alone" part.. not the "i'm sick" part.

I dont know if I have a fever. I'm warm to the touch, and I have chills. But that could be because it's freezing in the lab and for lunch I had a nice warm cup of starbucks coffee.

All I know is I'm tired, and I feel very congested. But I can breathe through my nose, meaning I'm not as congested as I feel. It's mainly my sinuses that feel all stuffed up.

Wah.. wah.. wah.. complain.. complain.. complain..

It's Friday. I should be happy. But I don't get to sleep in tomorrow. Church meetings really kill the art of "sleeping in" on a Satruday morning. Sigh..

Complain.. complain.. whine.. whine.. wah.. wah..

There's a world inside my head.
Unknown to everyone.
There's a world inside my head.
Where everything goes my way.

In the world inside my head
I have laughter, I have love
In the world inside my head
No one ever makes me cry.

How I long to make the real world
More like the one inside my mind.
How I long to find the peace
That I find inside my mind.

There's a world inside my head
Wanting to escape the walls of my mind
There's a world inside my head
With the happiness I can't find..

Ya.. I know.. that one kinda sucks.

It's alright though. I don't mind. I never claimed to be a prize winning poet. I don't even know if what I write is even considered poetry. Anyway. I thought I'd be able to load the pictures from my friends and mines trip to Disneyland, but I realized that I'm going again very soon so I should just wait til then.

I'm such a procrastinator!!!

Oh well.. at least if i do it that way, i'll just load everything all at once.. and i don't have to go back and do it again.. duh!

Save the world..

In college.. I wanted to save the world. I wanted to become this all-knowing scientist that could find the cure for anything and everything. I wanted to be a genetic engineer. I wanted to be a pharmacist. I wanted to be chemist. I wanted to be an enviromental biologist. I wanted to save the world with the science.

Toward the end of my college career, I figured that I couldn't save the world. The sciences that could, were too hard.. or too time consuming. Another need and want was taking over my life. That need was to be a mother. That need was to find a lifelong companion. I wanted a family. I wanted to settle down. Science could wait. I wanted a family.

Now, at 26. I have the science. I have the lifelong companion (or so I hope, if God permits). I just need the family. And.. at 26.. maybe sooner.. i also found out that I have God. And that's a battle in itself but it's working out.

I may not be able to save the world like I had initially wanted, so.. I've decided to start small. St. Therese had said it was the little things that we do that can show the world of God's love. And that's what I do.. or at least trying to do.

And.. in my own little way.. I am saving the world..

Let's make this last..

I close my eyes
Your arms around me.
Through the darkness of my mind,
Light I still see.

The warmth of your breath
Surrounds and soothes me.
Tears now run dry
My fears are set free.

Your heartbeat's steady
My heart matches yours
I melt into you slowly
Two bodies... one soul..

I had started this on another blog site.. my journalspace site.. and i thought it was too good to pass up and so i had to put it here.. not that i think it's good.. i just think it's worthy of a read..

A possible theory on my life..

I really want to believe that the Lord is putting Justyn and I through all these trials in life so that when He finally gives us all the blessings that we deserve, we will know how to fully appreciate them as blessings from God.

Sometimes people get so successful that they forget that God had blessed them to get there. Yes, it's a lot of hard work and perserverance, but without God's help, all of that meant nothing. And some people don't even thank God when they get there.

I guess He doesn't want that happening to us. He wants us to fully appreciate all the blessings that He will give us. And by giving us these hardships and obstacles, it is only then when we can appreciate the future.

I hope.

I really want to believe that. I really want to think that is the reason we go through lifes ups and downs. I do. I wish I could fully believe that with all my heart.

It's about having complete faith that God will eventually give us those blessings. It's about giving up all the burdens to God, knowing that good times are just beyond the horizon.

But there are times when we are discouraged, and at our lowest. There are times when we feel like those good times will never come and that we are perpetually punished by God. I know it's not true but it doesn't take away from feeling it.

The road to complete faith is truly the roughest road of all..

Well.. wasn't that a bunch of fun?!

I did Dr. Johns blog today.. I got to six categories.. does it count if you finish a category that you are actually in? Cuz i did.. and I counted it as a finished category..

I hope it counts.

I came across some very interesting blogs. I read many sweet stories and saw many great pictures.

It's really great of Dr. John to really give us an opportunity to explore blogs we all never really thought we'd like to read or come across. The little blog community that he so humbly started has grown so much. You can see the growth in the amount of blogs he has for his marathons.

It seems with every passing marathon the amount of blogs seems to increase tremendously.

I think it's a lovely thing he's doing and I hope this continues for a very long time to come.

I wanted to take the opportunity to thank everyone that had stopped by during the marathon and added their piece of comment lovin to my page. It was so fun checking in on this blog several times a day to see how many more comments had been added.

Thank you.. thank you.. thank you..

I hope you all decide to come back and comment again.. with or without the coaxing of Dr. John..

G'night folks!

Black cat.. nine lives.. short days.. long nights..

I'm living on the edge not afraid to die!

Hahah!

So.. Dr. John is having a marathon, so I figured that I would stop here first on my daily round of blogs. I'm starting quite late in the day for this. I usually start about five to ten minutes before this. I got a late start. This is so going to screw up my day.

Anyway, the marathon is all categorized blogs. I got categorized in a group of blogs called T.I.P.C or Almost T.I.P.C.

Now my question..

What's T. I. P. C.?!

Good, bad.. I dont' know. I'm assuming it isn't bad, because Dr. John would never really label anything bad. So, I have peace of mind there.

I just wanted to welcome everyone to my blog that will be stopping by. Please feel free to read further and let me know what you think. I'm not a Pultizer prize winning writer, nor do I strive to be.

I'm just a simple girl in her twenties, trying to live her life the best way she knows how. I blog my mind and sometimes that means the sentences don't make sense, or the sentences run-on like endless sentences. That's just me. That does not discredit the fact that I am a working professional in the microbiological science field.

I guess that was the disclaimer to my blog.. I guess it's because I have been burned before by so-called "blog critiques" simply for the comedy.. not that I was completely offended.. it's just that.. the intention of my blog was lost because someone expected me to be a world-class writer..

And with all that said.. enjoy the blog.. and enjoy the marathon!

Lacking creativity.

I want to blog. I do. I have this urge to spill my guts over the computer. However, there is nothing to blog about.

I want to write a poem. I do. I have this urge to display my emotion in an artistic manner. However, there is no poetry in my mind.

I want to get up and dance. I do. I have this urge to release energy and angst through the movement of my body. However, there is no where to dance at.

I want to stand up and sing. I do. I have this urge to express love and happiness with the gift of song. However, there is no one to sing for.

Wow.. who says that random babblings can't get creative..

We are all earthlings..

Remember Sesame Street?

Ya. I loved that show. To be honest, I watched that show for the longest time. I watched it beyond my true Sesame Street watching years. I think I watched it into my tween years. Then, I picked it up again when my cousin started having chidlren and we were always at their house.

Anyway.

There is a nasty gigantic moth in my room. It used to be on the ceiling two nights ago. So I shut the lights off and I opened the door hoping it would follow the light the rest of the house and someone else would get rid of it.

I'm deathly afraid of bugs. I am currently paralyzed in fear right now. In constant contact with that nasty bugger, I dont want it to make a move without my knowing.

Anyway. I got tired of trying to sleep with the door open, so I shut the door. The moth hadn't moved and I was too tired to really care at that point.

Stupid moth apparently sought the strong moon light that is eminating from my window, which is right above my head!

It's been there since yesterday, now, it's on my sill, under the blinds.

I need Justyn here to kill it because I sure has heck wont.

And if I ask my mom, dad, or brother, their usual response is to yell at me and call my a wuss. They dont' understand how much of a problem I have with these things.

I can dissect a cat, a fish, a rat and other animal parts, but do not get me near a bug!

I remember in my vertebrate zoology class, I would be so engrossed in the dissections and what not, I didn't care. But the day that we studied entomology and there were dead bugs in glass cases, I had to make sure I sat away from one.

So, what's the Sesame Street tie-in?!

They used to sing this song "We Are All Earthlings"

And it's true. From me, to the ickest of buggers. We are all Earthlings. God's creatures.

BUT THEY ARE STILL SOO ICKY!!!

One after the other,
They roll out of my mouth.
Words of discontent
Words of pain and anguish.
Words incapable of been soothed.

I'm in a complaining mood..

-------------------------------

That.. dear readers.. is the poem of the day..

My back hurts, my head hurts.. and I am soo sleepy.. it's indescribable.. and i went to bed after Justyn and I got off the computer.. I don't know what it is..

I just thought i'd share!

There's a moth in my room!

I'm lying here.. in my bed.. with the lights on.. staring at this ginormous moth on my ceiling.. it's on the highest part of the ceiling in my room.. just sitting there.. biding it's time.. waiting for the moment I shut the lights.. and then it's going to flutter around aimlessly.. until it hits ME.. and i scream bloody murder..

Oh.. I can see it now..

I have to go to the bathroom.. but I am actually paralyzed with fear.. I seriously don't want to get up.. because if i lose sight of where that moth is.. I am going to go insane trying to figure out where that blasted bugger went..

Oh my gosh.. I wish it would just go away..

How did it end up in here in the first place???

Ok.. I gotta work up the nerve to get out of bed.. and just.. clear out some stuff so the moth has no hiding place if it were to leave the ceiling.. then.. shut the lights.. and pray for it to find it's way out..

YIKES!!!

Comfort and joy..

Yikes.. when you have a dream like this.. where is the comfort and joy..

So I was at a cursillo retreat and a vampire came in and made another vampire out of one of the cursillistas... so.. she falls asleep and she wakes up with this need to bite off the others but it goes away in an hour or so.. but then comes back again.. yadda yadda yadda..

So what we did was we tranquilized her so that she can sleep through most of her "feeding" times and she'd be awake during her "normal" times.. and during her normal times.. she wouldn't have the fangs or superhuman strength.. she'd just talk about wanting to turn so-n-so into a vampire..

Anyway.. it just so happens she ends up turning two more cursillistas into vampires so we tranked all of them with A LOT of tranquilizer and went on with the day..

Then.. they woke up and were released by someone and into the house we were all in and one of the vampires.. though in her normal state.. targeted me next..

The rest of the dream was about me.. trying to find ways to escape from this dreaded fate..

Not only was it scary.. but it as stressful as well..

I guess in a way it's just a reflection of my life's stresses right now.. there are ups and downs.. the vampire is the ups and downs.. when the vampire is asleep.. I can go along my merry away.. and life is ok.. when the vampire is "normal" then things get a little rough.. but not much that I seem to not be able to handle it.. but when it's in "feeding" mode.. taht's when I feel that life is just way too intense..

I spend the rest of my life.. trying to find ways to escape from my dreaded fate..

Jammin' on the one's and two's..

Sigh.. is it Friday yet?

Just thinking about this week, kinda sorta gives me one of those "punched in the stomach" feelings. This Saturday was supposed to be the Saturday that Justyn and I and some of our friends that work at Disneyland were going to go fly out to Florida and spend a splendid week at Walt Disney World.

It was going to be so awesome. We both hadn't been there. And it would have been a great deal because we have Disney employees with us and that's always good because of all the freebies. It would have been a Disney trip come true. Not to mention, great on the wallet.

But then, Justyn lost his job at the gas company and all the money he was saving up was used for his financial survival for the following months before he found another job.

That was truly a blessing because if he hadn't been saving that money, he would be in so much financial trouble.

I know the Lord has a different plan for us. I know he has something in store and that's why he stopped us from going.

But it would have been SOOO FUN!!!

Oh dear..

Oh dear sweet Aladdin.. not to mention.. strikingly handsome Aladdin.. ahem.. anyway..

Oh dear sweet Aladdin.. if only you could come and take me away on your magic carpet. Take me to a place where only happiness prevails. Show me the world that is shining, shimmering, splendid. Open my eyes, and take me wonder by wonder, over sideways and under on this magic carpet ride.

Sigh.

Ok.. so.. ya.. that was the Aladdin we had seen when Justyn and I went to Disneyland. Sigh. He was so cute!

We even took pictures with him!



Ya.. he really was cute. Jasmine was pretty too, but I dont' know.. everyone that sees this picture always comments on her abs. I don't know. I don't want to say anything bad. It's bad enough to have to bear your stomach for all of Disneyland to see. But then, everyone is constantly critiquing your toneness. I do agree that maybe she should work out, but you dont' know her story. Maybe she's had a child and is still working on getting the pregnancy flab out. Maybe she is working on it. No one knows..

Sigh.

Next goal is a picture with Ariel..

So.. uh.. this room as no windows.. and no doors..

When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.."

That is all fine and dandy.. but when you feel like you're trapped in the elevator room at the Haunted Mansion.. with no windows and no doors.. how do you relate to that?!

Maybe I'm over exaggerating.. and maybe I'm letting my humaness take control of my spiritual side.. I mean.. that's one of the human flaws right? Not trusting in God.. that He alone can truly help you.. not having Faith in all of God's works..

That led to the first sin.. didn't it..

Maybe I'm explaining that all wrong.. it's something I learned in Bible Study.. and it makes sense when the teacher says it.. but when I try to repeat it.. wow.. how jumbled did that just sound?!

It's hard to have faith.. and it's hard to trust when things just seem to go wrong all the time.. especially in a part of your life that you want to go right..

I need to start writing more cheerful blogs again.. or else.. everyones gonna stop reading cuz i'm being too mopey..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stumbling down an empty road
Midnight's near
The lights all out.
Impossible to see.
Nothing to hear.
No sense of direction.
In sets my fear.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ta-dah..

That's as lighthearted as I can get today.. oh ya.. and it's Halloween.. so give someone a good scare for me!

I...

Gosh.. what a week.. seriously.. and to top it off.. it's Monday..

After that absolutely wonderful Cursillo weekend two weeks ago.. then.. the devastating week I had following that.. then.. to a semi-relaxing.. highly-anxious.. weekend.. to waking up this morning and the first thing I hear is "nag.. nag.. nag"

I seriously need to start considering getting my own place..

I mean.. the originial idea was just to save up that money for the wedding.. what wedding?

Prayers.. we need lots of them.. pray for a found direction on where Justyn is supposed to go "career-wise"..

Pray that he finds a job that is in his interest.. and makes enough money to support a family and a life..

Pray that I find the patience to handle this "waiting" period..

Pray that we'll be ok..

Trust.. and faith.. in God.. full trust and faith in God.. so much easier said than done.. but I'm still trying.. and I still believe I can do it..

But it's soo hard..

I think I want to cry..

Many a tear.. has to fall..

I like that song..

"Many a tear.. has to fall.. but that's all.. in the game.. "

Something like that..

I first heard that song... a day before Justyn and i had a huge fight that literally almost broke us up for good.. scary..

I don't know.. it seemed too coincidental for me to hear that song.. and then go through the conflict that we went through.. scary.. almost.. prophetic..

Sigh.. that's all I got for ya.. loyal readers.. sad..

But enjoy the FRIDAY!!!

Check my other blog..

I have another blog on blogger.. it's called "Does God Read Blogs??"

http://artsytartsyfartsy.blogspot.com/

Check it out.. it's my own way of communicating with God.. because I believe that God is present in all forms.. and I had always been better at writing that speaking..

So this is my way of prayer.. and developing a closer relationship with Him.

Check it out. I hope it's not too bad!

And I put the link on the side of my page.. on the LINKS side.. the first one!

Hmmm.. what do you think?

So.. after the two heavy topic blogs I had yesterday and the day before.. I have decided to lighten the load by making this one light..

I can't bombard you with heavy thoughts for too long.. I might become all depressing and no one would want to come visit anymore!

Anyway..

I have short hair right now.. relative to what I used to have.. everyone's seen relatively new pictures of me.. cuz I post on here all the time.. but just in case..



So.. ya.. that's my hair now.. granted it's grown a little since then.. but still.. that's the hair now..

And I'm wondering if I should just grow it back to the way it used to be.. long and flowy..





Seriously.. what do you think???

Grog...

Sigh.. I'm heavy..

Heavy in the heart.. heavy in the head.. heavy in the body..

I just got out of this religous retreat where I let it all go.. and I came out of there so light.. so ready to take on the world.. so inspired..

It's only been my first day back into the real world.. and all of this..

For starters.. I don't feel good.. my head is always hurting.. my body aches.. and I dont' know if it's just from being really tired from the weekend.. but I don't feel good at all.. my head spins a little too much when i turn my head too fast.. and.. my ear is bothering me.. again..

Then.. Justyn got some bad news about the job we were praying for him to get.. to start.. in december.. it's not going to happen.. there are good and bad points to that.. but i have to admit.. it's a great disappointment.. and I don't really know what to think about it anymore..

So.. I keep praying.. I'll keep turning to God about this.. but I don't know.. the cross He's asked me to carry.. right after the retreat.. is a little to heavy right now..

I feel like.. I"m starting to lose my way again.. after I finally found it this weekend..

I do love him.. and Him..

Well.. I'm back.. and I did some soul searching.. and I do conclude that.. I do still love him.. and that's not going to change.. I am still committed to him.. and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him.. and that's not going to change.. he has treated me with so much love and respect.. and when ever I'm around him my life seems so much better..

One of the talks told us.. that we were going to meet very many people with very many religions in this world.. especially in the realm of chrisitanity.. but we mustn't fight over the differences.. but celebrate the similarities.. and the main similarity is Jesus Christ..

And tho' I know that he and I celebrate things differently.. and we won't be able to celebrate fully as one family..

I can be assured knowing that our similarity.. which is our love for Christ.. is the glue that will hold us religiously together as a family.. if we aknowlege that similar love.. and use that as the unifying force of bringing our family spiritually together.. then.. this "different religion" thing just might work out..

I'm not saying that tha'ts the final solution.. and it's just as easy as snapping a finger.. cuz we both know it's not..

And when we agreed to get married.. tho' we aren't married yet.. we both knew what we were getting into.. and we both accepted it whole heartedly..

I know that thru God's grace.. He will bless us with love and strength to make it work.. because he and I truly love each other.. and God celebrates the love of two people in a forever lasting bond known as "marriage".. and I know that in His time.. God will grant us the opportunity to celebrate that sacrament of "holy matrimony"..

I don't have to be scared.. or apprehensive..

Justyn trusts in God.. and I trust in God.. so why do I have to worry?

With hard work.. and a lot of love.. and the reminder that God is always in our hearts and in our minds.. and in our soul.. then .. it will work.. I fully believe that..

Dudes.. I'm on my way...

"So long.. farewell.. auf wiedersen.. good bye..
I hate to go.. and leave this pretty sight.. "

Well.. after work today.. I'm going on a Catholic retreat called a "Cursillio"..

It's pretty much a mini-course on faith and how to strengthen your faith..

It's a whole weekend long.. and we are completely detached from the world.. and that detachement scares me! It really does.. I mean.. I'm not used to being away from any form of communication at all..

When I go on vacation.. I know what it's like to leave my lap top behind.. but not my cell phone.. I always have my cell phone.. i can barely function when I forget my cell phone at home..

Now.. I'll be with no cell phone.. or no computer.. this is utter madness..

I'm a little apprehensive about that.. also about leaving Justyn.. I know.. it's sappy.. but this is the longest we'll go without any communciation.. ever since we've gotten together.. that's two years ago!

This is one big learning experience.. inside and outside of religion..

So.. keep me in your prayers.. and wish me luck.. I know I'll survive this weekend.. and hopefully I'll have learned a lot..

Hasta la vista!

Just do it!

So.. I have updated my flickr account.. and I don't remember if I posted it up here for everyone to view..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/artsytartsydoilies/

Check it out.. I put the scarves that I had finished on it.. and I really like it.. I hope that I have more time crank out more scarves so that everyone can get one in the convalesent home that we are making these for.. my mom has more time on her hands so she's really making lots of them.. hers are really simple patterns beccause she doesn't want to take the time to learn from the book I have..



I love this book.. it's got so many stitches and I'm learning how to read all that "crochet-speak"... the abbreviations and whatnot.. so.. I'm happy..

I don't know how many scarves are actually needed.. but I would rather have more than enough.. than cause someone to miss getting one cuz there weren't enough..

Pray that God will give me and my mother the strength and the time to really get the scarves cranking..

It's for a very good cause.. and I would like to continue this in my own church.. maybe next year.. I think I'll be making scarves all year next year.. selling some.. and making some for donation.. and selling some for donation for the less fortunate..

Let's also pray that I can get that dream to come true..

Give me warmth!!

ARgh.. I can't stand these cold seasons!

I become addicted to my space heater..

I can't help it.. I need one in every room.. cuz I'm the type of person that needs it cozy warm everywhere.

When some people call it "stuffy" i call it comfortable warmth.. I'm the one that has to be under the comforter AT ALL TIMES.. even in the summer.. I seek warmth.. and that's why I love California summers..

I get cold way too easily.. and I hate it..

I think I should move to the tropics.. but that's humid heat.. and I heard that isn't too fun either..

I'm cold.. and it's weather that makes me want to stay in bed all day.. like Saturday.. oh sweet Saturday.. how I would love to relive you again.. soon..

I'll have to blog about that the next time.. I'm running outta time!

Disappear..

Imagine a weekend.. with no cell phone.. watch.. or laptop..

Imagine a weekend.. with no Justyn to call at night.. to say "good night" to..

Imagine a weekend.. with no contact from the outside world..

Imagine a weekend.. that weekend.. is coming up this weekend..

From Thursday evening to Sunday afternoon.. I will be at a retreat center.. no phone.. no watch.. no laptop.. just me.. and other women.. strengthening their faith.. and learning more about their relationship with God..

Sounds good.. sorta.. even though I don't know.. I'm kinda apprehensive about the whole "no contact with the outside world" sorta thing..

I think I'm gonna have to have my mother (who will be one of the "behind the scenes" folk) hold on to my phone... just in case there is an emergency and I must be contacted..

I dont' like not being without those things.. I feel liek.. I'm losing control of the situation.. but... we are supposed to "let go" of all those things.. in order to fully concentrate on the task at hand..

I guess you can say I'm excited.. learning more about my faith.. in order to teach it to my religious education students.. I just wish we didn't have to be so.. "detached"

WEll.. counting down til the retreat.. meaning.. you probably won't hear from me on Friday.. but enjoy the time you have with me now.. hee hee..

Oh ya.. it's monday.. boo!

Time changes.. so many things..

In two years.. Justyn and I go from being this..



To.. this..



I guess you can say.. we've aged quite a bit.. hopefully not TOO much.. but they did say that.. the longer a couple stays together.. the more they start taking on each others characteristics.. and mannerisms.. my friend says.. that explains the hat! Considering I haven't had one in so long.. then.. I went ahead and went on a quest for one..

And speaking of mannerisms..



Neither of us knew that we were going to make that face.. it's like.. we're in sync with each other.. that's kinda scary.. yikes!

I'm supposed to be SLEEPING!!!

It's a weekend.. it's Saturday.. and I had nothing major planned today.. except clean my room.. and I so I expected to wake up at 9:30ish..

I WOKE UP.. AT 6:00AM... That's earlier than my normal weekday alarm... argh.. what is this madness.. I should still be in my warm bed.. even if just for a few more minutes.. instead.. i'm up.. and looking at my room.. wondering where to start this massive uptaking.. argh.. good thing I have Justyn here to help me out.. you know?

Oh man.. this sucks.. at least.. I'll be home all day.. and when the sleepiness comes knocking.. I could always just take a nap or something.. so.. its not too bad..

But.. I'm done procrastinating... it's time to get this room cleaned..

But that's my house!!

Construction.. construction.. moving right along..

The room is enclosed.. the electrician is here.. he's doing his "wiring thing" and well.. next on their list is to finally tear down the existing wall.. the wall that has been here for 21-22 years.. the wall that had been keeping the house together.. the wall that had been keeping us warm.. that very same wall had kept the wild winds out of our house..

The wall has done so much for us.. given us structure.. kept the house in one piece.. held many pictures.. held many awards..

That wall has been leaned on so many times..

I will miss that walll..

I grew up with that wall..

Really.. I'm not being sarcastic.. and this is not for "comedy" sake.. but I will miss that wall.. I mean.. the house is going to change drastically.. granted.. for the better.. and we are all excited about the changes it will bring.. but no one told me the emotional toll it will take..

I never realized how much I cherished the house as it is.. how much sentimentality I have towards this lil house..

But.. ya.. it's gonna be good.. i just never realized that letting go of a house.. is just as hard as letting go of a person... wow..

Talk about deep..

"I now pronounce you.. "dorkface" and wife.. you may kiss the bride..

I was a bridesmaid at my friends wedding this last sunday.. beautiful wedding.. beautiful venue... but very small.. that couldn't work with me.. I have way too many people.. and ya.. so.. anyway..

All of her bridesmaids.. we all went to high school together.. some of us hadn't seen each other since graduation.. some of us had seen each other at our other friends wedding..

One of the bridesmaids told me.. "if you are both dorks.. the relationship will work.. you have to both be really dorky to make a marriage work.. "

And I think she's right..

I'm a dork.. obviously..



And so is he..



So.. two dorks can live happily ever after...



Well.. let's all hope so.. prayers.. prayers.. prayers..

The story of our lives..

Before I forget.. you have to visit http://www.flickr.com/photos/artsytartsydoilies/ cuz my scarves are up.. and they are really cool!!!

Ok.. on with the story..



Once upon a time.. Justyn and Rachel met.. they talked and realized that they were the two biggest dorks on the planet..

"We should date!" said Dork No. 1 (that would be Justyn)..

"Sure!!" said Dork No. 2 (obviously me!)

The relationship started off innocent enough.. lil kissies here and there.. and life was nice and good.. and they lived "happily ever after"..



That was until.. Dork No. 2 totally corrupted Dork No. 1's mind and cuz of her crazy ways.. hence.. the "REALLY" lived happily ever after.. oh ya..



Hee hee.. It's too early to think of a really cutesy story to this.. but I had to post these pictures!!!

Bad monster!

Now.. doesn't that look a little wrong to you.. I don't think the monster realized what he was aiming for.. hahaha.. it's ok.. he wasn't really touching me anyway.. but then again.. he's a guy.. and maybe he DID know what he was aiming for.. you never know.. hee hee.. Knott's was fun.. that's my mommy in that pic.. she came along and had a good time.. which I was glad.. I didn't think she'd like it.. and I thought I'd be stressed out over the fact that she was spending the whole time with Justyn and the gang.. but she liked it..

I've got so many more pictures.. I'll post every so often.. there is one that I really wanna post.. from Disneyland on September 30th.. that'll wait.. but it's really cute... of Justyn and I.. hee hee..

What is this adsense thing?!

So.. I signed up this blog to do that adsense thing.. and so far.. I've earned NOTHING.. I think it's cuz I get no clicks..

People visit my site.. but they don't click the add.. that's my assumption... I don't understand it.. but whatever.. who knows.. I might get enough money someday to buy something cool.. like a boat.. or a louis vuitton purse.. or another burberry purse.. premium annual passes to disneyland.. who knows..

Sigh..

Don't freak out!

So.. every year.. since Justyn and I got together.. we go to the Knott's Berry Farm's Halloween Haunt.. also known as Knott's Scary Farm..

It was at this place that we had actually gotten together.. I dont' know if I ever posted it here.. two years ago.. but yes.. we did.. and we try to go every year.. cuz.. it's fun.. and it brings back a lot of memories..

I'm excited and apprehensinve this year.. cuz we're going with his friends.. and welll.. my mother and brother and girlfriend are gonna come.. and well.. that's just like trying to put too retracting parts of a magnet together.. i dont' know how it's gonna work out.. but i'm just gonna pray for smooth sailing..

I know I'm going to get stuck in the middle of it all.. and I hate that feeling.. and I just might explode..

Lord help me!

To Infinity.. And Beyond!

So.. we went to Disneyland last Saturday.. have I mentioned that here? I'm not sure.. but we did..

I love going to Disneyland.. I used to love it a lot.. younger.. but we didn't go as often.. and then.. I kinda grew outta it.. and then.. my cousin's started having children.. and they started going there a lot.. and I would tag along.. and it started to come back to me.. then.. I started dating Justyn.. and he loves going.. and for awhile.. I tried to resist the urge.. thinking I was too old.. but.. you know.. i do feel differently when I'm there..

It's defintiely an escape from everything..

An expensive escape.. but an escape nonetheless..

I even bought a hat... my first time in many many years.. but with the hoodie sweater on.. it makes me look llike a guy!

All you need is love..

Sometimes.. a little space is just what you need.. I mean.. it's not a bad thing.. but when you're having such a "bad" day.. or your hormones are telling you that you're having a bad day.. you can't help but want to just be alone.. even if for those few hours..

And he respected that.. and I love him for that..

Now.. I must call him later.. and thank him.. and apologize for my hormones.. stupid hormones..

Sigh..

Is it just me.. or is this week dragging on slowly?!?!

There once was a time..

There once was a time.. that weekends meant sleeping in until 1pm... and that going home.. actually meant.. going home.. not going home.. only to go out again fifteen minutes later..

There once was a time.. that waking up in the morning didn't cause me to get tearyeyed over the lack of sleep I'm getting..

There also once was a time.. when I could go to bed at 2am.. and not fret about waking up at around 5:30a... that was a normal monday for me..

There also once was a time.. that I didnt hate mondays.. tho' those days are long and far behind me..

There once was a time that I partied and stayed out for six months straight.. dated a guy who loved the nightlife.. and went to school on a good 45 minute commute every morning..and still managed to get a's and b's..

There once was a time that I took 20 units at school.. did a show for the community theater.. and worked part time.. and still managed to get all a's and one c..

What ever happened to those days.. and that girl.. now.. it's been replaced by me... a girl that cherishes every moment of sleep she gets like platium.. and that is always and forever ont he go..

Is this a sign.. that I perhaps should slow down in life???

I'm in love with a wonderful guy!

It's our Anniversary today.. two years.. can you believe that.. now i know.. that's short compared to a lot of relationships.. but we're only starting out.. and I have faith that God will grant us.. many more years to come..

We have our ups and downs.. but what couple doesn't.. relationships are never perfect.. and if they are.. well.. then.. uh.. i'd like to know how they do it!

We've definitely been thru a lot in these past two years.. but I don't think I'd really trade it all for the world.. whatever we have gone through together.. has truly made us stronger.. and truly cemented the love we have for each other.. I continue to pray that God continue to give us that strength we have always had.. to help us perservere through anything thrown at as..

Sigh.. too bad he has to work.. and we can't see each other today..

But i understand.. and I know that he's just as bummed as I am..

Exercising the brain..

I'm sooo gonna be smarter than everyone..

Hahaha..

It expands your brain.. makes you smart.. I will conquer the world!

Hahah..

That dreaded day is here.. boy do I feel old!

No matter how you stop it..
Time keeps on moving..
No begging..
No pleading..
Time does not hear..

Time holds no favors..
It moves along for everyone..
No ifs..
No ands..
No buts..
No special treatment..
No exceptions..

Your mind may say no..
Your body's says not yet..
But time does not care
Time does not see..

ARgh.. it's my birthday.. and yes... thank God for blessing me with another year of life.. but seriously.. can He at least make me feel like my life is a reflection of my age.. even just a little bit.. like.. maybe i'm not living at home.. or if i am.. i am making enough to get out.. or.. something..

Gosh.. I'm 26.. but i feel like i'm 16.. and not in that "good way.."

I don't see my silver lining..

This part of the blog.. I posted on my journalspace blog..

Have you ever come across a time.. when all you want is to start afresh.. start anew.. with work.. home.. money..

I'm in that moment right now.. If I only coudl get a new job..

Now I know I have to be greatful that I have a job.. I know I have to thank God for all the blessings HE's givingme.. but why is it.. with all these blessings.. comes a lot of pain and stress.. seriously.. is that really a "blessing"..

Sure.. a "blessing in disguise".. but how?

Tell me.. how is this a good thing.. how is having a job.. but being stressed out and frustrated as hell.. a good thing..

How is having a place to live in.. but having to occasionally and more than often dealing with the fact that i'm not treated like the adult i truely am.. a blessing..

How is having a wonderful fiance.. a man that truly loves me and treats me better than any other guy i've ever been with.. but neither of us have the financial means to start a life together.. a blessing??

Answer that.. tell me that you know what the answer is.. tell me that you can sort that out.. cuz i sure as hell can't!

I mean.. seriously.. it's how I feel.. now.. I'm religious.. I"m Catholic.. a very practicing Catholic.. and i know that I'm supposed to learn to "lay all my burdens upon Him.. to trust in Him.. " and all those things..

But there comes a point in life where.. it's just too much.. I can't handle all the turmoil that I go through.. being blessed with so many things.. and so many aspects of my life.. but at the same time.. suffering so much that I start to hate what I've been blessed with (except for the fiance.. )

I need help understanding this.. I really do.. cuz I dont.. and it's frustrating..

I got that cute thingy thing..

Ok.. Dr. John was totally right about how cute those lil baster things are.. i got it today.. i think.. and my brother already opened it.. cuz i had put it to "r. viray" and well.. my brother is "r. viray" too.. so.. you can see where the mix up is.. and he is the one that usually gets the packages and stuff.. ya..

Oopsy.. didn't think about that..

Anyway.. it's completly adorable and I love it.. it's going to sooo go into the motif of my kitchen when Justyn and I get married (if god permits.. who knows when he will.. ) and so.. ya.. justyn has no say.. hahha.. he thinks he can rearrange my kitchen.. hmph.. not without my pink kitchenaid..

I love pink..

I got a pink nintendo DS for my birhtday.. actually i can't open it until my birthday.. but it's sitting in the hall way.. waiting to be opened..

I'll open it on Wednesday... that's one of the few things I"m looking forward to on that day.. PINK NINTENDO DS.. woo hoo..

Complain.. complain.. whine.. whine..

There two things I regularly complain about in this world..

Mondays..

and

Bills/Money

So.. now.. I will not only complain about them.. I'm going to try to convince myself.. that I really dont have a problem at all.. that other people are much worse than I am.. which is true.. and that my problems are nothing compared to some people..

Mondays
I hate the fact that it's the first day back from a weekend off.. weekends are too short for me.. and sometimes I would like to have that Monday off.. just to refresh.. of course.. if Monday's were off.. I would.. in turn.. start hating Tuesdays.. and thus.. I am never satisfied..
However.. I should be grateful that I get the weekends off.. there are some people that work seven days straight.. because they can't afford to live otherwise.. shame on me for being so shallow..

Bills/Money
Since changing jobs.. I have had a real problem with this.. for the past few months.. I have been positive on saving vs spending.. but this month.. i went negative.. WAY negative.. and i am not making enough money to really start building up a nest egg for myself..
I hate that I had to give up my good paying job because of stupid corporate politics.. argh..
I am looking into finding a better paying job.. but i need all the experience from this one to make my resume look really good for the next one.. thus.. I have to spend time at this job.. just for that..
I should be dang greatful I have a job.. and I am.. some people are having a heck of a time finding a job that will jumpstart their life.. i.e. my own fiance..
I just really need to learn to not spend so much.. more so.. since the holiday season is coming up fast.. looks like it'll be homemade gifts for a majority of people..

So there you have it.. my whining.. and my self-reprimanding..

I'm such a psycho!

You make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside..

I love everyone's comments on my blogs here.. I love all the support and words of encouragement I get from everyone here..

I know that turning 26 isn't a big deal.. and maybe I am over-acting about it.. it's just that.. I don't feel like i'm older.. why does the number have to get bigger.. you know what i mean??

Anyway.. thank you.. thank you.. thank you.. to everyone from the Dr. John's brigade for all the lovely comments i get here almost everyday.. I really do appreciate them.. and i'm glad to see that people are reading my blog.. yay for readers!

So.. today is international talk like a pirate day.. September 19th.. and the day is almost done.. i spent a vast majority at work.. then at my voice lesson.. so i only have a couple of hours to enjoy the pirate jargon.. unfortunately... there is no one around to talk "pirate" to..

Avast ye scurvy lads and lasses.. the days be almost over.. let's pilage the mall and collect some booty... arrrrrrrgh!

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY, EVERYONE!!!

Oh man! This is exciting..

I won! I won something from Dr. John!!!

How awesome was it to wake up.. feeling the "Mondays" and to receive an email that says I won.. woo hoo..

Totally made my day.. totally made the monday feel better for the moment.. we'll see how the rest of the day progresses.. I don't suspect i could get too bad.. I just wish that I had a vacation.. I worked all week.. into this past weekend.. so.. I am actually pretty exhausted..

Top it all off with the fact that I really couldn't sleep last night.. and I don't know if it was due to that large and in charge no sugar added mocha latte I had at about 7:30pm.. do you think?? Hahaha!

Things like that didn't used to affect me before?? What gives?

Sigh.. my birthday is coming up.. in.. I don't know.. less than ten days.. OMG.. less than ten days!! SCARY!!!

Next Wednesday to be exact.. I'm not looking forward to it.. and everyone things I'm prematurely stressing over my age..

My thing is.. I don't feel like i'm 26... or getting older.. why should my number have to advance.. you know what i mean???

Grr.. birthday's suck!

Waiting for him to get home!

Hey.. he's not home yet.. he said he was working til 10.. it's almost 11 and he's not called.. I don't think I should worry.. but you know me.. I know if something happened he'd call me.. he'd let me know something's wrong.. I just don't want anything to happen..

Especially since we had that huge fight yesterday and we didn't end up seeing each other..

Argh.. I hate this.. I just wish he'd call me to let me know he's ok.. argh..

I hate being a worry-wort..

I just wish I could let it go and relax about it.. but I can't.. I can't relax until I know he's home.. argh.. he said he would call me before he left.. and call me when he got home.. it's way past all that.. maybe.. they are making him stay later.. maybe.. hopefully that's the case..

Worry.. worry.. worry..

I dont want to bombard his phone with calls.. and I dont' wanna seem overzealous in calling him every five minutes.. I just wish.. that.. you know.. I knew he was OK..

Sigh..

I can't sleep now! Argh!!!

Parts of me..

There are parts of me that just wishes that the world would just end for me.. parts of me that just wants to end my life.. and forget the world.. parts of me that don't feel like this life is just worth living anymroe.. parts of me that just don't feel like I can go on this way..

There are parts of me that just wants to embrace the world fully.. to take it all in and to make the most of it.. parts of me that want to change the existing world as much as i can.. to make it easier for the people that have it worse off than i do.. this is the part of me i love the most.. and wish would just take over the previous part..

Most of me wants to nurture.. children.. my own children.. to be a mother.. to raise a family.. to tend a home.. to be "grown-up"

Some of me wants to continue my intellectual journey.. go to school.. move farther up in my career.. make a name for myself..

Some of me wants to be an entertainer.. to resume that persuit I started back in college.. with an agent.. auditions.. gigs.. things to constantly keep me on a stage.. but the rest of my parts.. they hold this part of me back.. so i've compromised with lots of community theater..

There are other undefined parts.. and i have yet to decipher want they are.. and what they really want..

And it's baa-ack..

Anger surges through me..
No origin.. no direction..
A different life..
A different day..
That's all I ask..

Rage pulses through my veins..
I don't understand why..
The things I'd seen..
Not worth this pain..
Not worth this misery..

Simple words..
Friendly words..
Still piercing through my brain..
Happy words..
But not for me..
The cycle begins again..

It's gone!

Darn me and my sporatic surges of creativity..

It's gone.. by golly.. the creativity is gone..

And we're now beck to regularly scheduled rambling.. thank you to all those that enjoyed that temporary moment of artistic-ness..

Dang it.. it was the McDonalds for dinner tonight.. that must be it.. ok.. I'll blame the McDonalds..

I mean.. now.. there really isn't anything else to write about except for the fact that I feel like nothingness right now.. complete and utter nothingness.. which isn't the case.. I have lots of people in my life that think i'm a somebody.. i'm not nothing.. yet. i feel like nothing.. like i can disappear and no one would even notice..

Sigh..

Sigh..

Creative surge..

I'm feeling awfully creative lately.. and I appreciate all the comments I've been receiving because of it.. I never thought that my mindless rambling.. the stuff i consider my own personal poetry.. can actually relate to other people.. I'm glad.. I'm glad people find a connection to what I write..

It makes me feel like I"m not the only one in the world.. that I have people that understand me.. and I'm glad..

Thank you.. thank you.. thank you..





Disappearing youth
Days tick by..
Forward.. forever forward..
Impossible to look behind me..
Impossible to replay..

Must learn from my mistaks..
Unable to go back to fix them..
Must learn and move forward..
My only desire is to head on back..

My youth is disappearing..
Age settles in..
My life.. my world.. my visions..
Constantly changing.. with moving time..

My youth is disappearing..
Who I am now..
So different than then..

To be able to be what I was..
Knowing the things I know now..
To be able to decide what to do..
Knowing the the things I know now..
To be able to choose another path..
Knowing the things I know now..

Impossible.. Impossible..

Must move forward..
Forever forward..
Must move on..
Must move on..

The beckoning..

He calls to me..
I answer..
Blindly I follow his voice..
That voice that guides me..
I know not where..
The unknown journey to my home..

My faith will keep me..
From straying the path..
My love..
The driving force of it all..
I follow willingly..
I follow wholeheartedly..
I'll follow until.. I'm home..

Empty..

My life.. an empty container..
My life.. lifeless.. and lonely..
My life.. constant awareness..
My life.. as the world passes by..

My wish.. to live like the others..
My wish.. is to get what I want..
My wish.. is to share it with someone..
My wish.. is to share it with you..

My heart.. so lonely..
My heart.. so empty..
My heart.. yearns for your touch..
My heart.. belongs to you..

We kiss in the shadows..

The show's over.. yet.. the songs remain in my head.. this is going to last a long while.. especially since its Rodgers and Hammerstein.. those songs stick to me like white on rice.. oh yes..

My head hurts.. and my jaw hurts.. and no.. i'm not quoting that britney spears video.. but my jaw really does hurt.. and it's cuz i've been really tense again lately.. and clenching my jaw again.. i don't know what it is that makes me do that.. but it's going on.. and well.. mah jahw herts..

Sigh.. "but i keep.. rolling on.."

Downward spiral.. revisited..

I'm know i'm getting depressed again.. so i have two choices...

1. Acknowlege it.. and fight it.. and move on..
2. Let it consume me til it's way too much again and I'm scratching at the walls trying to climb back up to normal sanity..

I choose the first one.. however.. like all things.. it's not easy.. and it's never easy.. and i don't think that these battles will ever be easy.. but i know i have a support system.. and i am starting to catch these things a lot earlier than before.

It's either that or i'm acknowleging them a lot sooner.. and dealing with them a lot sooner.. hence.. i really haven't had a terribly bad spell for a few months.. thanks to God and justyn for supporting me..

But i know i'm slipping.. I know i'm feeling it.. and i have to get over it.. and i will get over it.. there are a lot of good things in my life.. why should i dwell on the bad.. why do i have to revel over things i have no control over.. why do i stress over things i cannot change.. or speed up?

Why don't i have patience?!?!

FREEZING!

Oh my gosh!

How cold is it here in the lab?!

And it doesn't really help that I have a dull headache radiating all over my head.. argh.. today is just not my day..

I don't feel so good.. I just wish I could stay home and sleep..

I should take an advil and continue on with my day.. that should work.. I hope it works.. sleep.. sleep.. sleep.. sigh.. is the week over yet??

Exciting!

So.. I'm expanding my "crochet for a cause" and I"m going to also make scarves and baby blankets and stuff.. exciting..

Remember to keep checking on..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/artsytartsydoilies/

To check on what I've made so far.. it hasn't been updated in awhile cuz i haven't finished anything lately..

And please.. comment on what you think of them!

Nostalgia..

I was sitting here yesterday.. reading all the old posts from when justyn and first got together.. and how i felt about all of that..i deem this one the most honest cuz at the time he wasn't reading it.. in fact i didn't have any friends reading this blog..i still don't.. just justyn..

Anyway.. it's amazing that those feelings of security and of being loved that i felt back then.. are exactly the same feelings i feel right now.. and that a lot of it hasn't changed.. other than the fact that i've completely allowed my self to fall in love with him.. and that isn't a bad thing at all..

He is great.. and he knows it.. hahaha!

But really.. he's the king of the simple things i love in a relationship..

For me it has never been about what he buys me.. it's always been about what he does.. and that pertained to every guy i dated.. sure getting gifts was fun.. but is he really gonna make you a peanut butter sandwhich for lunch.. the exact way you like it.. is he really gonna drive down to have lunch with you every time you ask... is he gonna hold you tight when you need it the most.. is he going to go out of his way to make you laugh even when you think you aren't in the mood.. and you find yourself laughing anyway..

Ya... ramble.. ramble.. ramble.. but it's all true.. with him.. i know i'm cared for... with him.. i know i'm loved..

We might not have all the money in the world.. yet.. but i know we've got a lot of feeling between us and that's even better than all the money..

Tho'.. money would be nice.. really nice.. really really nice.. but ti's not whats going to make us comepletely happy..

I could not ask for more..

So.. I'm singing for my friends wedding.. edwin mccains "i could not ask for more"

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
And these are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more


Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything in me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
And these are the moments
I know all I need is this
I've found all I've waited for,yeah
And I could not ask for more


I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Yeah, right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me
Yeah


These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
And these are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for, yeah
And I could not ask for more


I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Yeah, right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Oh, here with you here with me
No, I could not ask for more
Than this love you gave me
Cause it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
No, yeah
No, I could not ask for more

And I'm totally singing.. for rehearsal's sake.. and i realize how great the song lyrics are.. i mean.. they are just so full of love and emotion.. that i hope that i portray it right in the song when i sing it.. there's so much good feeling in that song.. there's such an expression of love for that other person.. i hope that i can pull it off...

She picked a good song.. i'm proud of here..

Now who's gonna sing "head over feet" from alanis morrissette at justyn's and mine's weddding??

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault


Hahahah!

I'm going to do it..

I am going to "crochet for a cause" (read entry below)

Seriously.. but I need to boost my inventory before I really get going.. and it'll start small cuz.. well.. i can't save the world immediately.. you know..

I'll start with my local soup kitchen.. and help out as much as i can with the donations.. i used to donate my time there all the time in high school.. i have always wanted to start up again... but life is catching up with me and there are always so many things to do..

And on an random ADHD note.. i think Justyn and I should start growing more spiritually together.. granted.. we're of different religions.. but our God is the same.. and prayer holds no religious boundaries..

Our priest said.. at least one minute of silent meditation.. slient prayer to God.. start donating just one minute to thank Him or to ask Him for guidance.. and if it adds up to more.. that's great..

But.. that's not something that is bound to a specific religion.. and besides.. maybe joined prayer by the both of us.. will strengthen our prayers to Him..

I wonder if Justyn would agree to it.. i mean.. since we will be married eventually.. if God permits.. our spiritual lives have to intertwine eventually.. why not start now??

Read this.. it's pretty important..

I cried tears of pity.. "crocheting for a cause..."

So.. Justyn and I went out tonight.. we ate dinner.. had a good time.. did some shopping.. you know.. hang out.. like we do occasionally..

Well.. we were getting gas when we passed by a guy.. a guy.. and old man.. going through the trash cans.. looking for cans and bottles.. and food.. every piece of food he could find.. a chip.. a part of a pretzel.. if he was lucky.. he would find a bag of a half eaten pastry.. or a box of half eaten fries or something.. and he would stash it away in a larger potato chip bag..

Gosh.. I was so hurt seeing that.. I wanted to give him the leftovers of what we didn't eat at the CPK.. but.. i was too frightened to approach him.. scared that he might get offended.. and partially cuz i really didn't know how to approach that.. i didn't know what to say.. i was.. scared..

I did the only think I knew how to at that moment..

I cried.. tears fell from my eyes.. I cried..

So.. now.. I'm thinking..

I don't need the "extra change" that I can make from doing doilies.. I should sell them.. and that money should go somewhere that can be most useful.. not my pocket.. i have enough money.. i'm making ends meet and i don't need to go to trash cans for my daily meal..

So.. I should make the doilies and sell them.. and donate that money to charities..

"Crochet for a cause"

And all the proceeds go to... whatever charity..

I can crochet stuff.. sell it.. and maybe $0.10 of every dollar goes to me.. to reimburse me for the thread.. and the rest of it goes to a charity of the moment..

From domestic poverty.. to breast cancer awareness... the charity would change every so often..

I know that the money I could possibly make won't be a lot.. but it's a start.. I would love to do this.. I just need guidance..

I've always wanted to make a difference in the world.. maybe this is my calling..

If anyone knows how to start something like this.. I would love to some help..

Man.. life.. is.. well.. uh..

So.. check it out..

I rode Justyns motorcycle yesterday.. i was a passenger.. lemme tell you.. he thinks i was exaggerating my terror.. but i wasn't.. he thinks i was exaggerating my hesitation.. but i wasn't.. but i guess.. it wasn't THAT bad.. but it sure was scary..

But I guess if he just keeps doing that every so often.. starting off VERY slow with me.. I should be ok eventually..

I know that it's important to him.. so.. I should at least try to get comfortable.. but he's really gotta ease me into it.. i mean.. really ease me.. really really really ease me..

Check this out.. comments appreciated!

So.. I found time today to take pictures of the doilies I've made so far.. since I've started up again.. I've made two.. and i'm working on a third.. pretty cool considering I've started up again for about a week..


This is the one I was working on and stopped working on when my aunt came to visit.. there wasn't much left to do on this one.. so that's why it didn't take that long to finish it.. I like it.. but I know I can do better with more practice..


This one.. I finished yesterday.. it's a simple design and I just wanted to see what it would look like.. so it's a lot smaller than the round one.. but I like it also.. I'll probably make a bigger one.. but add a little more to the pattern.. but this will do for now..


And this is the one that I'm working on now.. a lot "lacy-er" than the others.. as lacy as I currently know how to do it.. it's another pattern I thought I'd try.. I don't know if it's going to stay the same pattern or if i'll change it up the bigger I get.. we'll see..

There you have it.. the beginnings of a collection of doilies up for sale..

Oh ya.. are they even good enough to sell??? I mean.. do you think people would be willing to buy them on ebay??

Please answer!!

As long as your mine..

Ya.. well.. whatever.. i'm listening to my showtunes radio station.. and that's what's playing right now.. oh wait.. now it's RENT.. hmm.. they are playing the movie version.. not as good as the stage show's version.. i guess it's just cuz i'm so used to that version.. whatever..

Can I go home now?

I want to take a nap when i get home.. then I'm going to start a massive overhaul of my room.. i need to get rid of some of my clothings.. and i've started.. every so often i'd toss out a shirt.. or two.. or three.. i got rid of some of my skirts.. so.. that's a start..

And then I have a $50 gift card to mervyns.. i should buy work clothes.. and jeans..

All my shirts are way too short for work.. they keep riding up.. as long as they are long enough.. they work.. for work.. ya..

Again.. i wish i had more to blog about.. but i don't.. i really don't..

Sunsets.. sunrises.. and stupid me..

I wish I were a better writer.. the kind that sucks people into the blog.. to keep them coming back and commenting.. the one that initiates thought.. and interesting topics of conversation..

But even in the real world.. I find it very hard to start an engaging conversation.. it takes another person with a better way of doing so to really get me talking.. i mean.. i try.. i really do.. but i'm not a good conversationalist.. my mother is.. i am not..

I usually find myself in awkward silence with who ever i am with.. unless i am extremely comfortable with that person..

Maybe tha'ts why it's hard for me to really find someone to get acquainted with here at this new job.. this new job that isn't so new anymore.. i don't think it shoudl be considered new if i've been working here since April..

At work.. i'm a loner.. but at the theater.. with the theater people.. we bonded quickly.. so how does that work?

Am I just more comfortable with those peole in the ARTS than theSCIENCEs.. when I love them both equally??

My sad and sorry attempts at emo poetry..

Destiny brought me here
Your arms my sanctuary
Your voice cause my raging mind
To fall asleep.. be calm

Destiny brought you here
With you.. I know I'm home
Your lips, your eyes,
The warmth of your smile
With you I can go on

My life was nothing more
Than a downward spiral
Living was just a necessity
I lived though not alive

But you brought in the color
You brought in the world
Opened my eyes to wonder
Opened my heart to love

You can't get anymore.. you cant' get anymore..

Man.. ok.. so.. my whole "song and dance" idea is a really good idea that I really can't let pass.. I mean.. that is a really good idea for a tattoo.. but i'm absolutely terrified of getting one.. so.. maybe i'll get it on a t-shirt... and we'll call it even.. ya.. that seems like a good idea..

I do.. if i were braver.. would get a tattoo.. I used to want one when i was in high school.. I was pretty bad ass when i was in high school.. but i'm a professional scientist now.. and well.. that doesn't fly in the land of the professional..

And how cool would that be.. so let's put it on a shirt.. about five shirts.. so that i can always have one on hand.. and we'll call it a day!

I just had to post this.. I think that Justyn needs this for Halloween this year.. what do you all think?!

Why I heart my fiance, by ArtsyTartsyViray

I heart my fiance because...

... he controls my porker tendencies.. cuz today.. at Starbucks.. when we were having lunch.. i had a sandwhich and a grande double blend mocha light frappacino.. and i saw those no-sugar added carrot loafs... and i was totally wanting to buy one.. knowing very well.. that the sandwhich and the frap were enough to satisfy my lunchy hunger... he stopped me.. and reminded me that i will start to complain about how fat i feel if i were to buy one and eat one with my lunch.. I HEART MY FIANCE..

... he understands and embraces the geek that I am.. because i am a full-blown "lostie" and "TLE-freak".. I HEART MY FIANCE..

... he took the car instead of the motorcycle to meet me for lunch.. ok.. that's partially cuz he didn't wanna drive an hour on a bike on a trip that should only take 15-20 minutes to take in a car.. and he wanted air conditioning.. but the mere fact that he said cuz i knew you'd be happy.. that made everything better.. I HEART MY FIANCE..

There you have it.. three reason's why Justyn is a good guy today.. and why I heart him lots!

Going nuts!

The show went well.. the really bad nerves are gone.. thank God.. now it's just that little "rush" feeling that I get before a performance.. thats the feeling I absolutlely love.. and that's the feeling that keeps me coming back to perform over and over and over again..

It's a rush.. really.. and for some people it's that feeling that really stops people from performing.. they don't like it.. but I LOVE that feeling.. and live for that feeling.. that's what draws me to the stage.. all the time..

I'ts the performer in me.. i guess.. its' in my blood.. i can't help it.. it's who i am..

But I don't have rehearsal now til next thursday.. that's just a pick up.. a refresher to remind us of the show.. then it's performance weekend all over again!

Then it's over.. so fast!!

Man.. can't wait til the next show!

Heck ya.. i'm nervous.

And then.. suddenly.. it all hit me..

WE OPEN THE SHOW TOMORROW..

Then.. we run for these two weeks.. and it's over.. I don't know.. maybe i'm just so used to Mummer's and the fact that they run shows for what seems like forever.. but not as long as they ran Justyn's show in Rialto..

I think when I first started.. Mummer's shows ran four weeks.. then.. they suddenly changed to three..

Rancho does two..

Rialto did a whopping FIVE weeks..

That was five weeks.. and more.. of not being able to spend much time with Justyn.. to not be able to go out.. to be bored at home.. while he's frolicking about on stage..

Now.. it's my turn..

I wish I were healthier.. i just don't feel up to par.. but i gotta do what i gotta do..

Argh.. the stress..

Why do I do this to myself..

Put myself in these situations that just add stress to my already stressful life..

Why don't I ever learn to just walk away from it all.. When will I realize that all i have to do is just walk away from it all..

Seriously.. how much more of this do i have to endure.. do i have to take.. before I just.. snap.. and just lose my mind completely.. i don't know.. i really don't know.. i want to feel like i can go on forever..

But my body is starting to get very sensitive to changes in my stress levels.. my stomach is in on it.. my head..

And all i want to do is sleep.. just.. sleep.. that's all.. is that too much to ask for??

When will God just wake me up.. and teach me to just.. walk away..

Tell Me Everything.
What is the last movie you watched in a theater?:	Um... wow.. this is really sad when you don't remember.. I know it wasn't our double feature Davinci and Xmen.. was it???
What is the last DVD you watched?:	Lost Season 1 Disc 2
What is the last book you read?:	I'm in the middle of Interview With A Vampire.. I had just finished Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix
What is the last song you had stuck in your head?:	Something from Rodgers and Hammerstein.. no doubt..
If you had to sing in public, what would you sing?:	Anything from the musical "The Last Five Years"
What is your pet peeve?:	Being bored
Do you smoke?:	Nope
Do you drink alcohol?:	On occasion
Do you do any recreational drugs? Elaborate if you like.:	Nope
What is the last thing you Googled?:	Um.. something about the tv show LOST
When is the last time you were in a library?:	Long time.. since I got into booksfree.com.. i hadn't needed to..
Name any pets that you have.:	None.
Name any siblings that you have.:	One brother.. he shall remain nameless..
Who is your favorite relative?:	My kiddies!!
What is your favorite childhood memory?:	Dancing.. on stage..
What is your scariest memory?:	Going to bed at night when i was younger..
When is the last time you were sick?:	A couple of months ago.. knock on wood!
When is the last time you went to the doctor?:	In april..
When is the last time you had your vision checked?:	Two years ago.. shoot.. i need to do that..
When is the last time you had your hearing checked?:	Many... many.. years ago.. maybe i should get that checked..
Do you know your blood type?:	B positive..
Do you donate blood/platelets/plasma/etc.?:	Occasionally.. not since lately cuz they said my hematocrit was low..
Ever been in the Emergency Room?:	When i was really really young..
Ever broken a bone?:	Fractured a finger trying to catch a bowling ball.. don't ask..
Ever had surgery?:	Ya.. to take out an ingrown toe nail.. and to remove my wisdom teeth..
Ever spent overnight in the hospital?:	Ya.. when i had pneumonia at a young age..
Ever visited someone else in the hospital?:	Lots of people..
Ever put someone else in the hospital?:	Not that i know of..
What achievement are you most proud of so far?:	Graduating college.. all the dancing and performing I've done.. being on a tv show.. even if it was just as background.. i got a lot of coverage.. yay!
What would you go back and do differently?:	I'd do much better in college..
What is the last thing you bought for yourself?:	Nothing fun.. just necessities.. like.. FOOD!
What is the last present you received?:	Um.. the lil seahorse justyn got me from Disneyland..
What is the last present you gave someone else?:	Um... my love.. hee hee..
What is the best present you have ever received?:	His love.. that's right!
What is the best present you have ever given?:	My heart.. hee hee.. i'm a romantic..
Have you ever bought anything on eBay? If so, what?:	CDs.. books.
Have you ever sold anything on eBay? If so, what?:	Nope..
Do you have an Amazon wish list?:	I used to.. but then i ended up buying them all..
Have you ever used anyone else's wish list to buy a gift?:	Nope..
What is the best surprise you have ever had?:	June 9th, 2006.. when i reached into my pocket and found "the box"
What is the last surprise you had?:	June 9th, 2006..
What is your most prized posession?:	My kiddies.. Justyn.. and my laptop..
Have you ever had roommates?:	Nope
Have you ever lived alone?:	Nope
Which do you prefer? Why?:	I wouldn't know..
What is on the wall to your left?:	The refrigerator..
What is on the wall to your right?:	The phone..
What is next to your bed?:	Lots of stuff.. but i'm not in my room..
What is on your bathroom sink?:	Um.. nothing..
Have you ever looked in someone's medicine cabinet?:	Ya.. cuz i needed something and i was at my cousin's house anyway.. so it's cool..
Have you ever stolen anything from someones medicine cabinet?:	No!
Have you ever been robbed?:	Yes.. our house was.. scary!
Have you ever been cheated on?:	I think so.. i think emails that elude to it.. are proof enough..
Have you ever cheated? Ever get caught?:	I cheated.. but i never got caught.. and i doubt he reads my postings or whatever.. so i guess he'll never know..
Have you ever been in love?:	I am in love..
Are you in love now?:	Um.. that's what i said..
Is someone in love with you?:	He better be.. he asked to marry me!
Are you in a relationship with someone?:	Obviously..
When did you last go on a date?:	Oh geez.. we've been so busy lately.. it's more just "hanging out"
Ever kiss someone on the first date?:	Yes..
Ever sleep with someone on the first date?:	Not the first date.. maybe the first week..
Ever had a one night stand?:	Nope.. well.. nope..
Ever give someone a wrong phone number on purpose?:	Haha.. no.. but i have given someone a different name.
Ever been given a wrong phone number?:	Not that i know of.. i never call them..
When is the last time someone turned you down?:	Um... I dunno..
When is the last time you turned someone down?:	Um.. I dunno..
When is the last time you lied to someone?:	Don't ask..
What is the last lie you were told?:	Don't know..
What's the strangest thing you have ever witnessed first hand?:	An elephant head in the large necropsy lab.. SCARY!
What scares you the most?:	Elephant heads in the large necropsy room.. hahah!
What makes you happy?:	My kiddies.. and Justyn..
What makes you sad?:	Missing my kiddies and Justyn..
When is the last time you cursed out loud?:	Yesterday..
When is the last time you laughed out loud?:	Yesterday.. when Justyn "tickle attacked" me..
When is the last time you cried?:	Yesterday.. when Justyn "tickle attacked" me..
When is the last time you cried in front of someone else?:	Yesterday.. when Justyn "tickle attacked" me..
When is the last time you wanted to hit something?:	A couple of days ago..
When is the last time you did hit something?:	A couple of days ago.. i hit my bed..
Ever literally bang your head against the wall in frustration?:	No.. but i've wanted to..
Ever hurt yourself on purpose?:	Ya.. but not for a while..
Ever thought about killing yourself?:	Used to.. but not so much lately..
Ever tried killing yourself?:	Nope
Ever seen a psychiatric ward?:	Nope
Ever been put in a psychiatric ward?:	Nope
When is the last time you had to fill a prescription?:	Don't remember
Do you take any medication regularly?:	Nope
What is the last thing you did that you didn't want to do?:	Work
What is the last thing you convinced someone else to do?:	Dunno..
Do you like the way you look most of the time?:	Most of the time.. ish..
Do you use any bath/beauty/grooming products?:	Ya.
Do you have a product that you consider a necessity? What is it?:	Shampoo, conditioner, soap.. toothpaste.. toothbrush.. you know.. the basics..
Do you wear cologne/perfume/aftershave regularly?:	Body spray if i work with a lot of stinky stuff..
What do you consider your biggest weakness?:	Babies
What do you consider your greatest strength?:	Love
What would you say your personal motto is?:	Life is a cabaret
Who would you say your personal hero is?:	God
If you could live in a different time, would you? When?:	Ya.. a time when money wasn't so important
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?:	Orange County
Why do you get up in the morning?:	Cuz i have to go to work
Do you go to sleep easily and/or on time?:	I go to sleep easily.. but never on time..
Do you sleep through the night?:	Yes
Do you snore?:	Justyn says i do.. but i think he's lying..
Do you prefer to sleep alone or with someone else?:	Someone else..
How many pillows do you sleep with?:	Lots.. to simulate sleeping with someone else..
Do you prefer cold air and blankets, or warm air and no blankets?:	any air.. and blankets..
When is the last time someone else slept in your bed?:	Long time..
How often do you change your sheets?:	Every few months..
How often do you do laundry? Do you use a laundromat?:	I try to do it every week.. at home..
How often do you vacuum?:	I don't.. the roomba does that for us
How often do you dust?:	I don't.. my mom does that..
Do you wash dishes by hand or do you have a dishwasher?:	Both
What is your favorite way to kill time at home?:	Laptop
What is your favorite way to kill time when waiting for someone?:	iPod
What is your favorite way to kill time when traveling?:	Book
What is your favorite travel destination?:	Vegas!
When is the last time you were on a plane?:	I was.. seven years old!
When is the last time you were on a boat?:	Early June.. at the Pirate Faire
What is the most 'extreme' activity you have ever done?:	Dunno.. cant' really think of anything..
What do you want to do before you die?:	Be a wife... mother.. grandmother..
How do you want to check out?:	Peacefully..
Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

A hundred million miracles..

Oh geez...

I'm kinda sleepy.. but not really.. maybe it's more lazy..

I'm gonna go see my sweetheart today.. for lunch..

I really wanna be with him right now..

I don't know what it is.. loneliness... pathetic-ness.. i don't know.. is it pathetic to really wanna spend time with my fiance right now.. especially when i feel he really needs my support.. I don't know.. i don't think it is..

I wish it were just so easy to say "i'm spending the night at Justyns" and not have anyone have a hissy fit over it all..

I'm 25.. if i wanna spend the night at my fiance's house.. i should be allowed.. and it's not like we're gonna have sex or anything.. it was just the mere fact of being with each otehr while we slept.. because i know he needs me.. and i.. need him too.. and it feels so good to wake up next to that special person you love so much..

I don't know..

Wishing.. hoping.. thinking.. praying...

I think I need to pray more.. I don't know.. I just feel like.. maybe if I lived a more "religious" life.. that.. things would probably not seem as bad as they are.. i might learn to appreciate the things I do have in my life..

I mean.. I do.. a lot.. for my church.. and like i recently told justyn.. i'm pretty sure i'll end up owning that church when i get older.. and ya.. i like doing those things..but when i'm done with those things.. i'm not living a "religious" life..

I don't have patience for many things.. don't quite "turn the other cheek" with people that piss me off..

I don't know..

What do you think?!

The smells!

Ok.. so if it isn't poop.. it's farkin' drag swabs.. argh.. and that's like.. chick poop.. eww..

What is up with bacteria and their need to reside in poop-ish places..

Then.. if they didn't i wouldn't have to bother with smelly stuff.. and i'd be sweet smelling all the live-long day...

Argh..

Good thing I bring body spray now.. cuz ewwy nasty!

Hmm.. three o'clock.. two more hours of work.. and then.. it's the weekend.. i wish it were the other way around.. that.. work was only two days a week.. and the weekend lasted five.. then everyone would be well rested.. broke.. but well rested..

And no one would be stressed..

And no one would depend on caffeine..

And no one would drive tired..

And the world will be a much peaceful place..

Cuz everyone would be alert and listening.. and there would be no misunderstandings.. and no wars becasue there would be no misunderstandings.. and everyone would be more pleasant.. so there would be no need for fighting to get your point accross..

OMG.. i think I just figured out how to achieve world peace!!

Sweet!

The world is spinning.. cuz i'm hungry..

Today is a slow day.. only because there really isn't anything to do right now.. and the fact that I haven't eaten.. and i won't be able to eat until i get home tonight.. well.. at 5pm.. it's making the day run really slow..

It doens't help that i'm really sleepy too.. it doens't help that i'm not really in the mood to do much either..

I do know that i'm gonna go home.. to my HOME home.. not to justyn's house.. to HOME.. and take a nap..

In three house.. sheesh.. can the day GO any slower??