I'm just full of insight..

I took a look at where I was one year ago today.

Blogs are great for that stuff. All you have to do is look at June 2007 and see what went on.

I know this month last year was quite significant because this was the month that turned my world upside down and topsy turvy. And it all happened in one quick night. This was the month that Justyn and I ended the engagement.. ended the relationship.. and caused my world to crumble for that moment..

But look at me now..

Can I honestly say that I regret everything that's happened?!

I can honestly say that my world.. my life.. my outlook has changed for the better..

Such a learning experience and a blessing in disguise.

I read of the hurt.. I read of my heartache.. and I know that at that time.. those feelings were genuine. But I wouldn't ever go back and change a thing.. I'd go through it again with him just to see how strong I am right now.

There are no "what ifs" or "should have be this.."

It was how it was supposed to be..

And whereever life may lead me.. I know that I will be nothing but blessed along the way.. because that's just how it's always been and will always be..

What I did for love..

Talk about the ultimate procrastination..

I went to Las Vegas on Memorial Day weekend.

I have only now unpacked from that trip.

Yes.. I know.. LAZY!

Hahahaa.. oh well.. at least now it's almost done. I also realize that I have way more clothes than I do hangers to hang them in. Uh oh. Time to get rid of some stuff. If only it were that easy. I always feel like I'm going to have a use for some article of clothing. I mean.. i would get rid of a lot of my shirts and give it away to the local Salvation Army.. but I need those shirts for work.. I can't go into the lab in a tank or tube top..

Oh well.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do..

Maybe I should stop buying clothes..

OH NO!

June.

Can you believe we are HALFWAY through 2008 already?!!?

Where is all the time going? I know I say this every year and every month, but why does it feel like it's flying soooo fast this year? I have no idea what I have gotten accomplished so far.

Well.. no.. let's take a step back and think..

I did start working on this MBA.. which seems more like a curse than a blessing at the moment.. but I know that I'm only saying this now because I am soo not in the mood to write a paper.

I've met some new people that make me happy. I ended a connection with someone that no longer made me happy.

I'm taking a chance on things in life and I'm not regretting anything so far.

I guess, with as fast as time is going, there are many blessings that are embedded in it all. Those blessings were not only for me, but for a lot of my friends and family, and for that, I know that I am blessed. When my friends and family are happy, then I am happy.

I have learned so much about myself and life and how I handle things over the past few years that I have changed so much..

I feel like I've reached this whole level of maturity.. looking back at the person I was at the beginning of the year.. I feel like I have changed so much. I don't know how or why, but I did.

Blessings.. all around.. blessings..

You dig?!?!

I feel bad..

So.. I realized that I have been blogging less and less as time goes on.

Is it a lack of "blogging material?"

No. I highly doubt it.

Is it lack of time?

It's possible.

Is it laziness?

That would have to be a majority of it.

It's that I have nothing to talk about. You all know me. i always have something to talk about. It's just that I run out of time during the day, and then when I do find time, I'm too lazy to come on here and blog it.

Oh well. I'm obviously trying to change it. I hope. I've got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of things in my mind. So I guess it's the perfect time to really start blogging again.

Like.. since I'm embarking on this new "thing." I have learned things about myself and how I interact with the opposite sex. I realized that I used to thrive on the drama. I used to think that creating drama or being in drama would show how much the guy would like me or is into me. But eventually the drama would get out of hand and I would just get sick of it all.

This time around. No drama.

I'm not even looking for it. I'm not going to create it.

Whatever happens, happens. And I will not use drama to encourage or discourage anything.

That is my vow.

Prep.. prep.. prep..

Learning idiosyncracies.. so soon.. too soon?

Or is it just easier to know it all now instead of months down the road and then having to deal with it then cuz you've pretty much accepted the dooood for what he is..

If I learn it now.. I can take it and run..

That's the way to put it.. that's the way I'm going to apply it.

It's kinda like that song from my favorite musical "The Last Five Years."

Did I just hear an alarm start ringing?
Did I see sirens go flying past?
Though I don't know what tomorrow's bringing
I've got a singular impression
Things are moving too fast

I'm gliding smooth as a figure skater
I'm riding hot as a rocket blast
I just expected it ten years later
I've got a singular impression
Things are moving too fast

And you say, "Oh, no
Step on the brakes
Do whatever it takes
But stop this train
Slow, slow! The light's turing red"
But I say: No! No!
Whatever I do
I barrel on through
And I don't complain
No matter what I try
I'm flying full speed ahead
I'm never worried to walk the wire
I won't do anything just "half-assed"
But with the stakes getting somewhat higher
I've got a singular impression things are moving too fast

Thats' just a part of the song.. the rest kinda gets into the story line, and doesn't make sense for what I'm trying to say right now. Actually.. I don't really remember what I am trying to say.. Oh well..

Life is too whirlwind for me to really pay attention to what's going on. I gotta make sure my feet stay on the ground!

There you go again..

I'm sitting here, and I should be starting on this paper, but I'm finding it hard to find the focus to get this done.

It's been happening a lot with this class. I think a lot of it has to do with what I percieve as a high disinterest coming from the professor. Seriously. He doens't engage in stimulating discussion. He doesn't provide proper feedback. He is not cool at all. But I guess it's a class and every professor is different and I just have to adjust. I only have two weeks left of this class. I shouldn't worry.

Life has defnitely interesting. I think that's another reason i'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything. Suddenly, my life is this whirlwind of friends and hanging out and social stuff. I thought that now would be a good time to go back to school because my social life was currently stagnant. Oh well.. it's kinda like Murphy's Law.. right?!

Oh well.. I gotta get back and try to figure this homework stuff out..

Blah.

Motion sickness

These past few months of my life have been an absolute rollercoaster.

If I had finally let it all get to me, I think I would have driven myself absolutely INSANE.

I think I have been doing a pretty good job distancing myself from most of it. A good safe distance to avoid getting sucked in the void that I usually get sucked into.

With all the twists and turns.. I can still say to people that I'm happy. I can still tell people that life has been nothing but ups.. and that's only because I have been ignoring the downs..

I think God likes to mess with me. I think He likes to mess with all of us. It's his way of amusing Himself. And I'm not saying all of this in a bad way, oh no.

I think He likes to do this to us to show us that we are stronger than we think we are. He does this to make sure that we don't think that we don't need Him anymore. He does this to remind us that He is in our lives, that He is always here to help us when we need it. But also, that we can get through anything, especially with His help.

I can't hate anymore. I am incapable of hating anything in my life. Knowing that everything I have and everything I experience is God-given.. I can't hate. I can't sit here and say "I hate my life..'

That's like saying "I hate God and what He's given me."

I just can't do that. I don't hate God. I love all that He has given me. All the ups and the downs, all blessings, all gifts.

But I can't help but feel a little motion sickness through these twists and turns..

So if I have one request to God.. it would be to.. soften the ride.. just a little..

I fall to pieces..

I am not used to moving THIS SLOW..

But it's also fairly nice. I'm not used to it all.. not at all.. but it's a nice change of pace.

I honestly don't think that it's going to get anywhere past this. That's probably because I'm really not used to this pace.. but I'm having fun along the way. If I get hurt, then that's just my bad for falling so fast.. like I always do.

I realize that I do fall pretty fast and pretty hard everytime. It's taking every ounce of strength that I have from stopping myself from really lettiing myself get all crazy about things this time around. I don't want to get hurt and that is helping me a lot from really allowing myself to feel things.

I know that I'm having fun. That's all that matters right now.

I'm living in a brighter world..

The ups.. the downs.. life..

Serious.

I mean.. it's a relative.. isn't it? What is my up.. could be your down.. and what is my down.. could most certainly be your up. It's all relative.

I may seem like I am having such a hard time getting through these classes, but someone else would give anything for the opportunity to go back to school. So, I shouldnt' complain.

I don't want to complain, it's just that everytime I come here to enter a blog entry, that is the only thing that comes out of my fingertips.. it seems to be the only thing on my mind.

Well.. there is more.. but I could make it rather complicated, when it's really all very simple.

If there is a person, that seems like it could potentially be a good thing.. should I go for it.. even if there is a good hour and some distance between us??!

Well??

It's what everyone says..

So.. school is supposed to be a good thing. Why is it driving me insane? I feel so pressured by deadlines and papers and questions. I feel like I will never catch up. I thought I was cool because I totally was ahead of schedule last week.. but nooo.. I feel totally behind this week and it's just not right.

I think I am definitely staying up late today.. and not just because I'll be on the phone talking to a boy or anything. I will be up late because I am determined to get things finished tonight.

No night but tonight and I really need to stay focused.

Lord, please grant me focus today when I get home so that I can study straight and not have to stay up too late. Please? Thank you!

Prayers people.. prayers!

On the outside looking in..

Why do I have to make things more complicated than they really are?

Why do I have to think more into things than I really should?

Why can't I just allow myself to go with the flow.. even though the flow may possibly flowing in the opposite direction??

Why am I psyching myself out for something when in all reality.. it's all just going to end with my heart broken.. again!?

Hindsight is 20/20. And all I keep thinking about is.. "I could really get used to this.."

That's not what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to have a good time.. and not think anything more about it..

I'm so screwed.. better hydrate up.. I'm sure the waterworks will start up once he breaks my heart..

Dream a little dream of me..

I am sleepy.

Staying up late almost every night is definitely not a good thing. School keeping me up all night is also not a good thing.

I passed my first class with an A-. I'm happy, but I know I could do better. I'd like to do better. I'm hoping to do better. Time to bust my bootay and get an A.. not just an A-.

This session's class is really large. At least twenty of us in the class and everyone is really smart. I hope that I learn a lot from these people and that they learn a lot from me.

I don't want to get bogged down and crammed with school work. My CCD class is ending soon, so I should be able to gain one more day to study on Wednesday nights for school.

Partylite has slowed down again. I did a really good party with one of my coworkers and that was great. I'm hoping to find time in June to throw more really good parties. I'm going to start hitting up my other friends soon.

I can't believe this..

Time.. time.. time..

I start my new class tomorrow. It's about Transitional Leadership. I have no idea what that means, but I'm sure that I'll figure that out soon enough.

I haven't found out what my final grade for my first class is. I know that I started the last week with a 92%.. which means I was getting an A at the beginning of the last week.

We had the huge paper and our participation, so I have no idea what my grade is now. I hope that it's still up in the 90's.. I really want to get an A on all these classes.

I do know that as time progresses, that goal is going to be harder and harder to reach, but I will try my best and I know that I won't fail.

During my whole week off, I did nothing but go out and have fun. I know that I will be suffering for the next six weeks, so I tried my best to have some mind-numbing fun before hand.

This session, I really hope that I won't fall behind too far to the point that I am stressed right before the due dates of my projects. It's a learning process and by the time I finish this entire course, I would finally gotten the hang of it.

Nothing major has been going on in my personal life. My whole world has been consumed by the Masters program. I honestly don't think that's a bad thing. It keeps me away from unneccessary drama.

I am really sleepy, maybe I'll take a nap when I get home.

Oh geez.. where'd the tiime go..

So I blink for just a second and suddenly we are almost halfway through april. Madness.. madness I say.

I can't believe how fast the year is going. Actually, yes I can. The year goes by faster and faster every year and it always seems so impossible to catch up. I feel like I am always two steps behind the world.

I'm feeling a little better. I'm not 100% where I feel I should be. I refuse to let anything get me down. It's just the stress from all the paper writing and studying and it's wearing me down. I also refuse to give up.

There are several classmates of mine that are also feeling the pressure and are considering postponing their education another year. If I do that, I will never finish. I will always find that it's a "bad time" and I'll always find a reason to postpone it another year.. and another year.. and another year until I run out of time completely and I regret never going for it.

It's just a year and a half. I can handle a year and a half. I have supportive family and friends and a loving God that will always guide me in the right direction and hold my hand through it all. I have no doubt that I will succeed because the Lord has blessed me in so many ways. Because of Him, I know I can do anything.

Well.. I better go write my paper now. It's the final paper for this first class, which ends on Monday. See.. I told you time flies!

SCREAM!

I've been trying to escape this nagging feeling I have been feeling lately.

It's inexplicable.

I'm frustrated with life. There is no reason for me to be, and that's why I've been trying to ignore the feeling. But today is a different story. I'm on the shortest fuse known to man. I want some sort of adventure.

I feel like my life is at a standstill. I know that I'm not.

I'm back in school. I'm busy with Church. I've got great friends. I have a family that loves me.

I have no reason to feel so down.

But I do.

It's getting harder and harder to shake right now. I'm starting to believe that it's something physiological right now than emotional. And I want to overcome this, and there are days that are easier than others. Today is just not one of those good days. All I want to do is cry, kick, scream, yell, break things.. ugh!

I'm figuring that if I blog it, then it will relieve some of the emotional tension I am feeling. But I feel like I'll have to blog for hours and hours on end just to make myself feel better.

I would.. if I could.. but I can't.

I think a lot of it may have to do with the stress of the time crunch I am feeling due to my going back to school. It was really a shock to go back to school. I truly believed that it would be easy. Then, when I realized how much harder it really is, I downplayed it and blamed it on the fact that I hadn't been back to school in years. But now, I'm really feeling the crunch and it's really taking it's toll on me.

I really feel out of place and it's really starting to affect my morale about this course. I know that I just have to get used to it and work so much harder than anyone else, but I'm just so used to being at the top of my class, and learning everything so fast. It's a reality check and so humbling and frustrating at the same time.

I'm not handling this all well.. and I know that I just need some time.

I know I can get over this, and I don't want it to get too far before I find that I'm at the bottom of a pit again, struggling to get out...

Random blurb..

This week has to be the slowest week ever.

I feel like that kid that knows she's going somewhere cool on the weekend, and is so excited about it that the rest of the week leading up to it is absoultely, mind-numbingly slow..

Slow..

I have too much to do for class that I can't play "karaoke".. poo...

Maybe I'll sneak one in when I get home..

Inadequate.. that's who I am.

I didn't realize how much my life was going to change because of going back to school.

This weekend is a three day weekend, and I could be out doing so many things. Instead, I'm stuck in my room writing a very important paper for this class.

Sometimes I feel like i am not smart enough for this. My classmates can bring up so many valid points and questions, and I can never think of anything. When do think of something to contribute it seems to be questioned with so many more smarter points of views..

I don't want to use my lack of business classes as an excuse, I just don't feel like I think the same way they do.

In the science field, at least in what I studied, you follow strict rubrics.. things are this way or that way.. if they don't go this way.. you follow this.. this.. and this.. and it will lead you to that..

Things are clearcut and protocols are followed precisely.

Not like this..

There are millions of possibilties and outcomes.. and I just don't think I'm trained enough to think in that manner..

Not yet.. at least..

Ugh.. it's so frustrating!

Lately..

It hasn't been a great day.. it hasn't been a couple of great days..

I've been very blah lately. I can usually blame it on the weather, but the days have been absolutely beautiful outside. The sun has been out, I get to wear short-sleeved shirts, it's not cold. If anything, I should be on top of the world..

I feel like everyone is on my case. No one is leaving me alone. I have so much on my plate, and no time to do it all. I feel like I'm losing my mind at times. I drop things constantly, I forget things ALL THE TIME.. I'm just not "all there." I'm extremely tired all the time too.

And I know half of the things about feeling like everyone is on my case, or that no one is leaving me alone.. or that I have so much on my plate aren't really true. I know that no one is really on my case. I may have a lot to do, but I know I can handle it.

I just feel so unnecessarily overwhelmed.

I think a lot of it has to do with my still adjusting to the school thing. With each course being six weeks long, every week feels like "crunch week." I'm used to ten week courses during my undergrad, and I thought those were fast, but this is obviously much faster.

Another is my lack of sleep. Because of school, I'm constantly having to stay up to do my required reading and whatnot.

I know that if I just readjust those two things, that my life will return to it's highly delicate balance that it was. But for now, it just can't be. This school thing is important and I knew it was going to change things for awhile.

I just have to find my new balancing point and live my life right there for the time being.

I can do it.

I went karaoke crazy!!

Of all the songs I did tonight.. I think this was the most decent.. hahaha!

I am all about Bread!

Grease is the word.. ya!

So I played around with the online karoake before I went to Good Friday Mass.. good times..

How young is too young??

One of my students.. approximately nine years old.. told me he didn't believe in God.

He fulfilled all the requirements to pass my class.. so.. he passed.. but he told me he didn't believe in God.

I wanted to talk to my priest about it.. I wanted advice from the Religious Education Director.. I wanted advice from my priest.. i wanted advice for the Pastoral Associate..

No one wanted to help me.

The kept telling me that he was too young to understand. He's got his entire lifetime to figure it out. He's young. He's just trying to get attention. It doesn't really mean anything.

Now.. let me ask you this..

If it were one of your children that had said it.. what would you do?

I consider these students my own children. I don't have children of my own.. and so I take my student's catechesis very seriously. I want to see them grow in their faith and I understand that at the age they are in.. believing in something so profound can be overwhelming. Children need things materialized for them.. they need to see things sometimes to believe them..

Christ cannot materialize himself and come and visit my classroom. So I have to do my best to explain it all to them.

I know it could go over some kid's head. I know that some kids won't be able to understand at that specific moment. I know that it can be a tough subject to grasp.

But to blatantly tell your religious education teacher that you don't believe in God.. how is that going to make the teacher feel? Of course it will raise concern.

Why was I the only one concerned?

I got no help from my parish's religious education department. In fact, they told me not to get our parish priest involved. I wasn't going to get him involved completely.. I just needed advice!

It's RELIGiOUS EDUCATION!!! I'm not allowed to ask for spiritual guidance.. from a PRIEST!?!?!

Again.. I say to you.. if it were YOUR child that said that.. what would YOU have done???

Where have I been?

I know I say this all the time.. but I really need to check in here a lot more.

Life is busy. That's no excuse.

I've also been spending a lot of my time on another website. www.gather.com

It's one of those sites that you accumulate points with and then you can get free gift cards and whatnot. If you make enough points, you can change to a cash option and get some cash that way.

I am by no means close to that, and from what I hear from fellow "gatherites" it's not really worth it because it feels like points accumulate slower.

I don't know.. the gift cards should be good enough for me, right?

Macy's
Borders
Home Depot
Among others..

Who doesn't want a gift card to Macy's?

I've been spending a lot of time there, I can usually get about 100 points a day.. which is nothing compared to the other people there. Sheesh.. they are hardcore!

Other than that.. it's just been school.. and church.

Well.. til next time.. bye! Gotta go get some points on Gather!

I'm getting my butt kicked!

This "back to school" thing has really been a challenge for me. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to balance my time when I got home from work. I'm learning a lot and I have been reading so much information.. I can't really complain.

I just didn't realize that it would be lifestyle change for me.

It definitely means I can't do a lot of the things I used to.. at least not for the time being. I'm just so busy with school work and reading and writing papers and answers and participating in discussions.. phew!

I thought an online course would be easy.

It's so much more harder and time consuming than normal classroom courses.

In a classroom, the students are gathered in a meeting area at a specified time on specified days. The teacher teaches and there is discussion. Some students say things, other don't. There are tests to assess the amount of information that is retained. And all is right with the world.

In an online classroom, it's pretty much on your own time. The requirement is to be online at least twice a week for attendance, and four times a week for "class participation." Adding poinant discussion topics and answers is a MUST. No tests, but a lot of papers and a lot of reading. It's a discipline thing. You dont' necessarily HAVE to be in "class." There are outside world things that distract you while you are "in class."

I"m still trying to find my bearings in this whole "online learning" phenomenon. I know that I will get the hang of it and I refuse to give up.

I'm doing well.. so far. I don't want to lose that momentum!

How great is our God!

So.. we all know that I have been struggling with this cold bug for about a week and a half now..

We also know that I had to sing a really nice song for this Friday's Station of The Cross..

We all know how stressed out I had been about that..

Well.. We really have an awesome God, who blessed me with well vocal cords for tonight for me to be able to sing it. I had been babying my voice for the past week because it seems to go every so often and by night time it's usually completely gone.

I prayed so much that I would be able to sing this song for Him.

I was truly blessed by the Holy Spirit.

Thanks be to God!

Sick.. school.. voice.. yikes!

I took the day off of work today becuase I have officially gotten my butt kicked by this bug that is in me right now.. it might be a very toned down flu virus, or a bad cold virus. Either way.. I'm floored and I have to take tomorrow off to because I feel icky

I'm still doing my best to keep my voice relatively healthy. I really want to sing on Friday for this week's Station of the Cross because they want the song "Via Dolorosa" sang and I'm one of the only ones that knows it and so I will be singing it. I really want to sing it so its nothing but warm drinks like tea with honey and warm water and steam for me.

My congestion is getting to me too. I hope I dont' end up with another sinus infection. Those are the worst. I'm doing my best to avoid that as well. A lot of decongestants like Sudafed and whatnot.

I also started school today! Yay!

It's a lot of reading so I spent a lot of time doing that. I have a list of things I want accomplished for tomorrow, so I hope I find time to do it. I'm sure I do, since I'm not going to work, i have more time tomorrow to concentrate on the shcooling.

I'm really glad that the course is completely online. I don't have to go anywhere and being sick won't affect my attendance because I can go to school my jammies.

Of course, being sick also means I can't karaoke. Bummer.

But I will get better and I will sing again!

Now I better go and take an Advil and some decongestants and go to sleep!

This is too much fun!

One.. Two.. Three.. Four..

I'm sick.. and I know I should rest my voice.. but this website is too much fun!

My poor self..

Sometime between Thursday and today.. I got sick.

I have been getting low-grade fevers since Thursday night and then yesterday was pretty bad. I didn't take an Advil right away so that low-grade fever turned into some high fever and I had the chills and a massive headache.

Maybe I should have taken the Advil sooner.

Needless to say I woke up with a slight fever and a headache still.

I obviously didn't get to go to the baby shower of my friend. I didn't want to spread my germs around, especially since one of our other friends is in her first trimester of her pregnancy and I don't want to get her sick either.

I was really looking forward to it too.

I've been sleeping all day and I think that I'm going to be calling it a night soon too.

I'm trying my best to avoid a cough, because I know this year's cough is pretty bad. It lingers for several weeks to a month and as a singer, I really can't have that!

Don't hate!

It's pitchy..

It's bad..

It's my first time ever singing on this site.. it's like a karaoke thing.. it's pretty awesome..

Even though I suck..

But enjoy!

I'm hungry..

I need to go to lunch. I'm hungry.

The week seems to be going pretty slow for me so far.

Tomorrow I have my "pre-walk to class" with my admissions counselor and then I have to do my autobiography for tuesday.

Can you believe I have homework due on the first day of school?!?!

I find that funny. I'm not going to complain.

I can't complain about homework or classwork. It was my decision to go back to school so I really SHOULDN'T complain. I know that I will find myself complaining at some point. I know that I will ask myself why I put myself through this at some point.

But I know I really shouldn't because it was MY decision.. no one else's but my own.

Tick, tock! I can't wait!

The month is almost over...

February breezed on by so quickly.

Then again, February always goes by fast because it's the shortest month. Duh.

Anyway, this will be exciting because starting in March, I will be starting the MBA program! I'm so excited. All the applications and all the financial aid went through smoothly and I should be working on it steadily. If God permits, I should be finished in a year and a half.

I pray to the Lord that I will get through the program smoothly and that there will be no obstacles in the way of my success.

I'm so excited! I can't wait to start!

Tick.. tock..

So.. I was able to go to sleep last night. I just made sure that I watched something happy before I went to bed... so I watched some Food Network to get my mind off the scary, haunted mansions and whatnot..

Anyway..

I'm just waiting for the University of Phoenix financial counselor to call me and tell me what I need to do next in order to get started. I'm so excited because this is something that I have decided to do for myself.

I don't have to get a Masters Degree. My family has survived on my father's income and he only has a Bachelors Degree.. so.. a Masters Degree is something my parents thought would be a nice thing for me to have.. but it wasn't a mandatory thing to get..

So getting this degree is strictly my own decision and it will be strictly financed by me.

This degree will be mine.. and mine alone..

And if God permits I pass and attain it.. it will be something I can be very proud of having.. and it will be my own burden of financial aid.. and that's the only downside to it all.

My parents and my family and my friends are also so supportive of my decision and it just makes me want it more because I really don't want to disappoint them.

So.. for now.. I'm just waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting..

I hope I don't have to wait too long.. cuz I really want to start in March!

Scary!

I'm sitting in front of the TV watching International Ghost Hunters on the SciFi Channel.

Oh man, I'm so not going to be able to sleep because of this. It's quite scary.. especially the way it's been edited.. the music really adds to the feel of this show. It's an interesting program, but I always get scared and I have a hard time sleeping at night afterwards.

Maybe I should stop watching... but I can't.. it's quite addicting!

Right now, the episode is about Frankenstein's Castle. They are investigating all over the place trying to find "activity" similar to the types that have been reported by various people.

The team that does the investigating of these "haunted" places are usually very thorough and end up de-bunking a lot of the claims that people have experienced in the past. It's a little disheartening when you want something to be haunted, but in a way.. it shows that there is an explaination for almost everything.

Granted, there are moments and sorts of activity that are inexplicable but they usually tell the owners of the place that it requires more investigation.

They don't want to commit to a place being haunted. I guess it's becasue they only have that one night to investigate and they don't want to make hasty assumptions before really making sure that something is really inexplicable. In a way, that's a good thing, but it makes the show a little discouraging because you want things to happne.

Is it just me?

OH well.. looks like I'm going to be up all night.. hahah!

Watch this!

Doing what you need to do..

I'm at the time in my life that I realize that I am not heading in the direction that I thought I would be when I as 16. I guess I have been in denial about it all these years and I'm finally waking up from it all.

When a girl is sixteen, they have dreams about where they will be before they turn 30. The have dreams about how their life would be by the time their 10 year high school reunion comes along.

Personally, my expectation was that I was going to be famous. I was going to be all over TV and the movies, I would either be a pop star singer or an actress. I was so set on having that happen before my 10-year reunion. Before I turned 30, I was to have been married with children.

I'm 27, and I am single, no where near getting married, and without children. I have a great career, and great friends and great family.

For that, I still feel very blessed.

But I'm at the point of my life that I have to move forward. And if I can't move forward in the way I had always thought and dreamed of doing, I have to find another way. That other way is school.

Getting my Masters Degree is a pretty big deal for me and the family. Everyone in my immediate family has survived on a Bachelors Degree and has been very successful. I am successful with my Bachelors Degree, but I would love to earn my Masters. Also, this is something I will be doing by myself. My parents will not be helping me because it is not their duty anymore. They have worked very hard to get me through college the first time, why burden them with my new quest for higher education.

I'm taking my life into my own hands.. and eventually, I can do the things that I had always dreamed of doing.. but for now.. this is the direction I need to be going..

Burn! Buzzkill!

So.. in filling out the financial aide thingy.. I realized that this is going to be more expensive than I thought.

At the end of the course.. I'll owe $40K+..

Dude.. that's like a.. A CAR!

I'll have 10 years to pay it off.. and because of that the monthlies will be about $350.. more or less..

That means.. I have to save.. NOW.. NOW.. NOW!

I have several plans on how to save money and I intend on sticking to it..

One of those plans is PARTYLITE..

So.. I will be throwing catalog parties a lot.. and I am definitely willing to work with people that sell other things too.. like Avon or Tupperware.. and do a mulit-vendor deal..

My first catalog party will be from March 1st to March 15.

Remember there will be a raffle for free stuff..

1 raffle ticket for every $10 spent..

My goal is for this party to be a MINIMUM of $500.. that's 10 people buying $50 dollars worth of stuff.. that's all I ask.

Tell your friends.. start checking out the catalog..
http://www.partylite.biz/sites/bettyfox/page-catalog?CatID=48&TotalPages=82&PageNum=1

Write down what you think you may want.. and let me know!

Holding myself accountable..

Well.. I'm halfway through the process of applying at the University of Phoenix for their online course to get myself a Masters Degree in Business Administration..

Now, for everyone that knows me, you all know that I am the world's biggest science geek.

I opted out of taking business courses in my Biotechnology cluster in order to take the hard bacteriology/microbiology classes.. after all my friends told me that the Biotech Business route was the easiest to take for graduation..

So, what am I doing getting my MBA?

Well.. for starters.. it's much easier to get than an Masters Degree in Molecular Biology.

The MBA course is completely online. There is no committment to go to a meeting place or anything. That makes things a little easier, especially with my busy schedule.

It's a relatively fast course. If I go through it straight, without any breaks, it should only take me a year and a half. I can complete the course at my own pace... taking breaks between classes and determinng how much time I really need in between classes..

It's one class at a time.. about thirteen classes.. and the classes last for six weeks at a time..

Now you ask.. what will I do with the MBA when I'm done..

Honestly.. I don't know.. I know that the MBA can eventually lead to many open doors.. even in the lab I work at.. I'll have management skills to become a supervisor..

I'm going to get the MBA.. and I know the Lord will lead me to whereever I need to be next..

It's all in His plan.. and so far.. I'm liking the direction..

Behold.. the wood of the cross..

Today is Friday. The first Friday of Lent.

The choir is being asked to sing for the Stations of the Cross readings today. I will be there.

My Lent goal is to be able to attend every Stations of the Cross reading that is done every Friday of Lent.

It's good.

Through each station, there is a reading and a meditation and a moment to pray over that particular moment. You reflect on the sacrifice He made for us and how much He really did love us to go through all He went through.

It's a really nice thing to do and doesn't really take that long. It's fourteen stations from the trial to the death and the burial. There are meditations for each station and you really get a sense of what was going on and how thankful we are to Him for the sacrifice He made.

Everyone should go to a Stations of the Cross.

I will be taking mine one week at a time so that I don't feel so overwhelmed about thinking about going for all of Lent. I hope to make my goal of going every week, but I don't want to make promises because I don't want to feel completely awful if I can't do it.

Since I'll be going to choir rehearsal at that same church, then there shouldn't be a problem about going before the rehearsal. And since the Starbucks is so close by the church, then it shouldn't be a problem to run down there afterwards for my obligatory cup o' coffee during rehearsal.. hee hee..

Meditate on this..

My life is not my own. We shouldn't live life based on what "makes me feel good."

We should be living our life knowing that it was God-given. Everything we have, everything we've done, everything about us.. is God given.

As a human, sometimes the things that make us "feel good" are things that aren't necessarily good for us. "Feeling good" is all relative. What feels good for you may not feel good for me, right?

Think about it..

Whirlwind..

The year is speeding by so quickly. It's Ash Wednesday today.. and hence.. the start of Lent. Next thing we all know.. we are in Easter.

Where is all this time going?

What have I been doing?

I feel like my life stood still for two weeks while I was away. It was weird to come back home and realize that the world kept going while I was across the planet. The lab kept working... people kept doing what they do.. the world didn't stop for them.. as it did for me.

Grampa is in his final resting place and I know he's smiling down on me from heaven.

I'm still grieving. I know it's natural. I am more sensitive to songs now that I have been. I cry so much faster than I used to.

It's a process..

Tho' I've accepted his passing.. the thought of him not being around and the hurt that causes is still fresh.

Only time can heal this wound.

I don't know of anything "light" to talk about lately. There hasn't been much "light" events in my life.. maybe there have been.. and I've just been over looking it.

I hope things look up soon. I"m tired of blogging things that are so serious and sad..

No day.. but today..

I am writing this on Monday night.

In Guam, it's Tuesday.. probably early evening.

In Guam.. today was my Grandfather's funeral.

My grandfather is at his final resting place and I am feeling so many different and conflicting feelings.

I'm sad. I miss him. I feel like we took his presence for granted when he was alive. I feel like we didn't take too much time out of our lives to give him a simple call. Granted, he was hard of hearing and communicating was difficult... but the mere action should have been done. I miss him a lot and if I could go back in time, I would have made sure we would have kept in touch with him so much more.

I feel relief. I feel relief that he is now resting in peace. He is no longer suffering. He is happy and healthy with the Lord. I thank God everyday that He showed mercy on my grandfather and gave him a peaceful passing. I thank God that my grandfather didn't suffer and struggle for air in his final minutes.

I feel blessed. I feel blessed that I was able to spend that time with him. I feel blessed that I can still remember how it felt for him to hold my hand so tightly. I feel blessed that I remember what it feels like to kiss him on top of his bald head. I feel blessed that I can close my eyes and still see him smiling at me. I feel blessed that I was able to have him look at me.. and with pride in his eyes tell me "I'm your grampa!" Those were the last words he had spoken to me. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to cook a meal for him and for him to actually eat it.. with his own hands. The minute he found out that I was cooking... he made sure that he was to eat it.. and he made sure that he was to feed himself.. Blessed. I thank God everyday for that opportunity.

It's a big rollercoaster ride of emotions over my grandfather's passing.

This is my greiving process.

This is my world..

The things that need to be done..

I have so many things that need to be done and I end up waking up at noon. Not that I'm really complaining. I think I really needed to sleep in and catch up on all the sleep I have been missing out on lately. However, with a laundry list of things to do, I don't think that I will be able to finish this all within relative reason.

I have to finish reorganizing my room. The havoc of the reorganization has extended out of the boundaries of my room and into the hallway, thus impeding on the space between my room and the bathroom and I literally have to jump hurdles in order to get to the bathroom now. This needs to be done ASAP.

Laundry. Always laundry. The never ending laundry seems to be a massive mountain of clothes that need to be cleaned. Multiple loads must be done today. The completion of the reorganization of my room is partially dependent on how much laundry I can get done.

It's also "cleaning the bed sheets/comforter" day. Hopefully I can get it in the laundry on time to get it to dry on time so I can use them again tonight.

Lastly, I have to write my Grandfather's eulogy. His funeral is on a Tuesday in Guam. That means it's on a Monday here. I have no time to procrastinate.

Lord, give me the strength and the drive to finish all the things I need to get done today. Also, let the words just flow out of me in a loving manner. I want to represent my family and my grandfather in the best way possible.

When my time comes..

When my time comes.. will I have a family and my children around to take care of me?

Will I have that?

I really want that. I tell God everyday that I want that.

Although I've come to accept that I may never get that.. no matter how much I ask for that.

Will I be alone like this forever? No husband.. no family. All I want is a family of my own. Why was I not blessed with one? What did I do to not deserve one?

I'm afraid I will die alone. Completely opposite of how my grandfather passed. I'm afraid that I won't have the loving family surrounding me in my final days.. I'm afraid that I will die alone.

I'm afraid that I will never find that special someone that will allow me to have that "happily ever after" that I've always dreamed of.

There are times where I've accepted it.. but it's moments like these.. after watching all the love and support surrounding my gramap during his final days.. that make me feel the loneliest in life.

I hope he's watching over me right now.. and helping God find that special someone that will finally make my life feel complete..

A month and a half after diagnosis..

It finally happened..

My grandfather passed away tonight. Actually, if we put in Guam time.. he passed around 6pm.

My aunt said that she kissed him when she got home from work.. and then went out to do something.. and when she came back.. he was gone.

Peaceful.

He had suffered enough during his illness, we only wanted his passing to be peaceful.

Thank God for His loving mercy.

Please say a prayer for Pedro Viray's soul.

Thank you for all your loving support and kind thoughts over the past month and a half. I really do appreciate it all.

Guam: Update 4

This may possibly be the last Guam update of the trip because tomorrow will be the last full day here. We are leaving at 5am on Saturday. The funny thing about that is we will be arriving in California at 5am on FRIDAY. It's like traveling back in time. Haha.. time differences amuse me.

Grampa is looking so frail and is constantly on morphine to ease the pain. He's lost a lot of weight since the first time we arrived and he is very much weaker from that time too. It's really sad to see and I pray that when his time comes that it will be peaceful and in his sleep. I don't want him to suffer any more than he is now.

I didn't do much today. There isn't much to do anymore. I've driven around pretty much the whole north end of the island. I can go pretty much anywhere around here. I just feel like I'm catching up on sleep now because it's going to be hard to get a good sleep on the plane ride home.

Guam is a beautiful island. I have driven through some places with amazing views of the ocean. Because of the rains, the island is so lush and green and there is life all around. The resorts are beautiful and the shopping is to die for!

It just seems like the areas that aren't resorts or used by the military are rather abandoned by the goverment. In some of the villages, the housing is old, there is graffiti everywhere and the businesses aren't thriving. I know the island's income depends heavily on the tourists and the military, but you would think that some of that money would trickle down into the other parts of the island. It seems like it's not.

Stll, I like this place and I wouldnt' mind coming back so that I can explore the south side of the island. I do know that when I do return, it will definitley NOT be for sightseeing. My return to this island will be a return I will dread. When I do return in the near future it will be because of the passing of my grandfather.

Pray for a safe flight home. Pray for peace for my grandfather and our family. Thanks for all the support and love we've received on this trip. I will try to blog again when I get home.

Love you all!!!

Guam: Update 3

The weather and everyone else's germs are finally getting to me. My throat hurts and I can feel my tonsils touching when I swallow. I am pumping myself up with liquids and vitamins trying to fight the cold that is inevitably coming.

I didn't do much today because I wanted to rest, but yesterday I took my mom and dad to the resort village for a little rest and relaxation. I have been taken out enough that I was able to drive and figure out how to get there on my own and we had fun. We found a way to get to the beach and we took a walk around there for awhile. The sand was so white and so soft and the water was a comfortable temperature to wade in.

We also got to do some shopping again and got some souviniers.

On the homefront, things are still very up and down here. The past few days have been pretty good for Grampa. He had been going out of his room and watcing TV in the mornings and I had been able to talk to him and buy him things in the store. He had been fairly strong since the last time I left a blog update.

Today, he was getting tired very easily and rested a lot today. I didn't get a chance to spend time with him today because of the cold I feel like I am getting, but he seemed to have his eyes closed a lot today. Relatives have been coming in and out of the house and visiting him, but he always asks for my dad to be by his side.

Sidenote: My dad is my grandfather's first and only son from his first marriage. My dad's mother died when my father was young and my grampa re-married to the woman I now know as my Grandma. With my Grandma, he had two daughters, my aunties, that live in Guam.

Apparently, a few days ago, when everyone else went to Mass, my dad and grampa had a good heart-to-heart talk about the past and how things could have ended up. My dad reassured him that he knew that Grampa did all he could to raise Dad and that all the sacrifices Grampa made turned out to be the best. I'm glad and I thank God that they were able to have that talk together.

Today, just a little earlier, Grampa was have an adverse reaction to some anti-anxiety medication. It scared me because I have never seen him so aggressive before, but he's calm now and we are throwing that medicine away, never to be touched again.

Thank you for all the constant prayers and love. I'll be home soon and I will be able to start sharing pictures of everything.

I love you all!

Guam Update 2

It's been a few days since the last update. It's truly been a whirlwind experience.

There are so many cousins and aunties and uncles that I have never known existed. It's hard to keep track of them all and I am sure that I will forget their names as soon as I get back to California.

All of my grandfather's children and step-children are now here. The last one flew in last night. He was so overwhelmed with emotion. All of us were. He got so excited from all of it that I think he mistook it for the almost dying and he was starting to say good bye and that he loved us all and all those things that dying people say. It was scary but luckily we got him to calm down and he's ok.. relatively.

I've also had some time to explore Guam. My gramma brings me out whenever she get the chance and my aunt took me out to the resort malls. I ended up buying $440 pair of Louis Vuitton sunglasses. Hahah.. it was great.

It's also such a contrast between life on the resort side of things versus out of the resort. It's like everyone's forgotten about the part of Guam that doesn't generate a lot of tourist income.

It's defnitely not as bad as the poor parts of the philippines, but it could still use a lot of help. I wonder if there is anything I can do when I get back...

Anyway, this is my update for now. Hope that things will get better for these updates.. but I don't think they will.

Thanks for all the prayers and kind thoughts.. keep them coming!

Guam: Update 1

I'm sitting here in a room at my aunts house.

There are tears streaming down my face. The tension is so thick in this house and everyone is spread so thin that breakdowns are quite frequent in here. There is so much stress and emotion over my grandfather that it usually comes out two ways: tears or anger.

Everyone feels so helpless, especially my grandfather. It's hard to see him depend on his children when I know him to be quite independent. It's hard to see him muster every ounce of his strength just to sit up right, or go to the restroom. Every emotion is magified at least a million times.

It's hard watching him struggle. It's hard to see the fear he is experiencing about leaving Grandma. It's hard to see my Dad so worried about his own dad.

I knew that coming here would be hard to deal with, but I feel very blessed to have the opportunity.

It's kind of funny when you think about how life works.

As a helpless child, you depend on your parents for everything. Your parents feed you when you are hungry. They change your diaper and bathe you. They hold you close when you are in need of comfort.

As time goes on and parents get older the roles reverse. You feed them when they are too weak to feed themselves. You change and bathe them when they no longer are able to do things by themselves. You hold them close and comfort them when they are sick and apprehensive about what the future brings for them.

Its the circle of life.. i guess..

This is my first update while I'm here. I'll try to let you know what's going on..

Prayers and kind thoughts are always greatly appreciated.

Tears are flowing like a river..

I had a parent meeting today.

I got so frustrated because I feel as if I m teaching to a brick wall. It seems like no one cares about anything that I have to say. I feel like no one cares about the things I want to teach them. I got so frustrated that I involuntarily started crying.

The tears started falling and I just couldn't help it. I am so passionate about what I do and why I do it and I feel like no one cares. I feel like the director doesn't seem to care about how seriously I take my job as a catechist. I really want to show these kids the beauty of the love of God.

All the feelings, all the things that I have been going through lately started building up and I couldn't help it and I cried.

That is the ONE thing I have always been told what NOT to do in front of students, but I couldn't help it. There was so much passion and so much frustration in what I had to say that I really didn't know how else I could express it.

I hope that I did get to some of the parents and that I do see an improvement in the students performance. I just pray that this is the case.

It's a countdown til my trip to Guam. I'm scared and excited at the same time.

Sigh.

Reality hits hard..

Monday.

We'll be leaving for Guam on Monday. We are leaving for two weeks.

Monday.

I will be seeing my grandfather soon.

Reality: This may very well be the last time I will be seeing him alive. Ouch.

It's painful to really think about it that way. But I don't want to psyche myself out and get all excited about it just being "another visit to family."

This is basically our "goodbye."

God has given us the opportunity to say all we need to say and do all we need to do with him. God is giving us the opportunity to have the time with him and it's up to us to make the most of it.

I have never been to Guam before. I haven't been on a plane in twenty years.

I'm excited and terrified at the same time. All through this, I know that God is with us all. The Lord is showing us the way and He has his protective arms around us and consoling us.

I am grateful for the opportunity to see him, but at the same time, it hurts so much. It hurts to think that I may not see him anymore after this visit.

I keep praying for a miraculous healing, or that the diagnosis was a fluke. Or that all of this is just one bad practical joke. But I know I'm wrong. I know this is reality, and that a miraculous healing is up to God.

Thy Will be done.

The world spins around.. like nobody cares..

If there is one thing that I have learned all the years of my life, it's that the world is always going to turn. LIfe is always going to keep going. No matter what is going on in your life, time is ALWAYS going to move forward.

The things you say, the decisions you make, are always going to be there... in the past. There is no way to take them back, the damage has been done. It's up to the reciprocating person to forgive you or move on from it. It's up to the other person on the other end to decide if the damage is repairable.

This is based on experience.. my experience..

I'm sure everyone sort of understands where I am coming from.

The world is going to keep going. The world doesn't care what you are going through. It's insensitive, but it's true. No one in the world really cares what you are going through. The mini-crisis you swear is going to ruin your life really means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

However, I have learned that the one person that truly does care (asides from family and friends) is God.

God cares about what we are all going through.. whether big or small. I know this because I can just find comfort in being able to pray about the things I go through.. even if He doesn't provide resolution immediately.

Granted.. I don't ALWAYS feel comfort and consolation.. but I know that even if I don't.. that God is there to protect me and to make things better.. that is faith..

I'm kind of rambling.. but it's just that it's hard to get the words out when describing something that's truly bigger than yourself. There are so many things that you want to say but you don't quite know how to organize it all to make sense.

Eventually I'll get the words out right and I will be able to leave a spectacular blog about faith and the world.. and how it all ties together..

For now.. we'll leave it at that.. rambles..

Faster and faster..

My grandfather is getting worse and worse and worse as the days progress. I hate to know how much time he actually has. I was hoping that we'd be able to make it to see him by June, but it looks like things are not going to go as planned.

2008 - The year of unpredictability.

I'm hoping to see him up and about.

He doesn't want to be resusitated. He doesn't want to be intubated. He just wants to go when it's his time to go.

Dear God, I hope that his time is after I see him. I want to see him alive. I want to see him alive and well enough to show me around Guam.

He's a ticking timebomb and it kills me that all of this could have been prevented if he hadn't started smoking in the first place! All of this could have been prevented if he had quit so many, many, many years ago.

Smoking is evil. It is an evil and nasty habit.

If I could I would do everything in my power to stop everyone from smoking. Don't they see the damage they are doing to themselves and all the pain and heartache they are causing their family.

Most of them do know, yet they say they don't want to deal with it.

WHY?! What kind of a mindset is that?

Look at my grandfather! Look at everyone else that has died from heavy smoking! Look at the damage they have done! Look at the damage that could have been prevented!

Why?!

This year will have meaning..

This year will be the same as every other year. This year will also be very different from all the years I have ever lived. This year will also be very different from all the years that will come.

This year will be unique just like every other year is unique.

I know how it will begin. I don't know how it will end.

I will just live it.

No more expectations. No more lamentations. I will just live. I don't want to wish for anything anymore. I have always ended up disappointed. One would like to have things happen to them so that they can look at that year and say "that was a good year.." but I won't do that.

If nothing happens this year.. then so be it.

If something does happen this year.. then so be it.

I will work towards things.. but not expect anything. I just can't live my life like that anymore. Every year just ends up a disappointment. Every year I just get hurt. I don't want to get hurt at the end.

I just don't want it to fly by so fast.. but we all know it always does.

I just want to be happy and healthy.

That is all.

The end.

My plea...

Most Catholics know NOTHING about their faith. Most Catholics don't even practice their faith!

Now why is that?

I'm pretty sure that the Catholic faith has the most "non-practicing" members than any other faith out there.

Why is that?

So many proclaimed-Catholics are as misinformed about that faith as many of the anti-Catholic faiths.

Is that why so many Catholics leave the Church?

If you really knew what the faith was about... would you really leave?

If you had an inkling of the the actual teachings of the Church would you let some other faith take you away?

Learn about your faith. Learn about the Truth. Study the Bible. OPEN THE BIBLE. All it takes is five minutes. Just read a passage or two. Familiarize yourself with it.

Go to Mass. Every week. Go to Mass. Take the Eucharist. Feel the presence of God, eat His body, drink His blood.

We get to do it every week! Every day! Why wouldn't you want to do that?

Rekindle your faith. Rekindle your love of Christ. Don't let people tell you that you are in the wrong religion.

You are Catholic. Learn WHY you are Catholic! Just don't say you are Catholic and then the teachings all wrong.

Learn to fight for your faith. Learn to defend your faith. You claim to be Catholic. WHY ARE YOU CATHOLIC? Learn your faith. Learn why you are Catholic.

Learn your faith.

Don't take your faith for granted. Don't take your being Catholic for granted.

God loves you. He made the ultimate sacrifice for you. You could use your time on earth to let Him know that you appreciate all He did for our salvation. Don't lose your faith.

Remain faithful to what you believe, but learn about what you believe, and why you believe it.

Decisions.. decisions..

One of the hardest decisions to ever make in life is when you have the life of someone else in your hands..

In my family's case, it's my grandfather..

It has been confirmed that he has Stage 4 Lung Cancer and all the other smoking-related diseases that come along with it.

Now the question is.. at his age.. which I believe is 81.. give or take a few years.. is chemo-therapy a good option for him?

He isn't sure what he wants, and that's why he's asking all of us for an opinion.

My first response is to say "yes!" Get all the treatment you can handle. Let's try to fight this thing. Go for it!

But then there are two sides to everything.

If he gets treatment, he may be too sick to enjoy the extension of his life. If he gets treatment, he may get too sick that it may shorten his life even more.

If he doesn't get treatment, then.. we'll never know how much longer we would have him around if he did get treatment..

Either way.. we'll be second guessing ourselves in the end.

It's such a hard decision to make and I keep praying to God that we make the right choice. I keep praying for guidance in this time of decision. We honestly don't know what to choose.

We hear reasons from both sides of the spectrum and they are all valid and they are all reasons why this is making it so hard for all of us.

Sigh..

Flip a coin..

Heads, you lose.

Tails, you lose.

Either way, you lose.

Either way, you're just unhappy.

Time heals all wounds, but the scars stay forever.

You live, you learn. You learn not to love again. You learn not to trust in love again. You learn not to fall again.

One right after the other.. failed.. failed.. failed..

"It wasn't meant to be."

"He wasn't the right one for you."

"You'll find that right guy especially when you stop looking."

You start to see through all those lies. They no longer make you feel better. You'd rather be alone.

Why would I get entangeled in such a mess again?

Why would I subject myself to all the hurt and the ups and downs again?

It's like smoking. You start to know that it's bad for you, yet you still do it and you still get involved. You know very well the affects it has, and you know so many people hurt by the affects. Yet, you still do it.

Not anymore.

I'm done.

I can't get hurt anymore.

I can't cry over another guy anymore.

I can't get my heart broken anymore.

I can't trust any guy anymore.

I'm done.

I'm done for good.

I'm done.

Busiest EVER!

This has definitely got to be the busiest December ever!

This past weekend was busy but so much fun. I got to spend the whole weekend singing at various church things for Simbang Gabi and what not. It was a lot of fun but I am defintely feeling the effects of it now. I am so tired, but it was defintely worth it all.

This week, especially tonight, I will be making my world-famous Christmas goodies platters that I didn't make last year cuz I was so busy as well.

This year I am determined to make them!

Well.. since I'm at work I'm going to have to make it short because my timer went off.

Oh well.

Snap!

My parents are planning on going to visit my grandfather in March.

I dont know if I ever mentioned it on here, but last week, we had found out that my grandfather was diagnosed with 4th stage metastic lung cancer. The doctor also diagnosed him with COPD and emphasema.

My grandfather smoked for a good majority of his life.

My grandfather is a walking statistic on the effects of smoking.

Sigh.

He should have quit when he had the chance. We know that at one point he DID quit, but the last time my aunt came to visit she told us that she believed that he had started smoking again.

Now, everytime I see someone smoke I can't help but get angry.

I just want to go up to them and say, "Do you realize how much pain and worry you will be causing your family in the future? Don't you realize how much pain and suffering you will be going through in the future? Do you know how much damage you are doing to yourself? Save yourself!"

It's so frustrating.

I'm worried about my grandfather and I really want to go there as soon as I can. I don't want to wait until he's lying in a hospital bed with all these tubes attached to him. I want to be able to see him walking about and talking.

I pray that by the time I am able to get there, which may be a month or two after my parents, that he is still in relatively good health.

Please pray for my grandfather.

It's not bad to pray for a miracle, but if that miracle won't happen, please pray that he will not suffer too much.

I wish there was a way to really stop all people from smoking so they can see how bad of a habit it really is.. please Lord.. show me how..

Thus begins the weekend of torture..

Friday: Work all day.. straight to San Marino to sing all night..

Saturday: Work in the morning.. Simbang Gabi reception singing at night..

Sunday: Mass in the morning.. Simbang Gabi a couple of hours later..

I NEED A BREAK!!!

I want you to know that I've been damaged..

When there has been so much tension and so much anger, is it fixable?

Should it be fixable?

I keep thinking that maybe I'm just too scared to try to see if it will work out. I keep thinking that maybe I will be missing out on something if I hold on.
I keep thinking that maybe a miracle would happen and we will get to be happy again.

But I don't know what is going to happen.

No one does.

I know that you aren't supposed to give up on love.

But..

But what if love's already given up on you?

Too much damage between us. Too much tension and too much anger.

When is it time to finally throw in the towel?

There's always that little bit of me in the back of my mind that says "just a little while longer.. just a little more.. you can do it.. it will all work out in the end.. if you just hold on a little more.."

There's always that feeling that I want to believe is love for him..

It's all preventing me from letting it all go..

Ugh..

Cold!

I am cranking my way through all the podcasts I have got loaded up on iTunes. I think that I had peaked at 1270+ podcasts that were not listened to. I was down to only about 2.0+ GB of memory left on my computer because of all the podcasts that were loaded into my computer.

Luckily I am down to about 1220+ podcasts and I have anywhere between 3.5-5.0 GB of memory on my computer.

Now, it may not seem like I have gotten through much of the podcasts. In reality, I have.

It's just that I can listen to about 10-12 podcasts a day, depending on the length of the episode, then when I refresh the subscriptions, I can end up loading between 6-10 new episodes.

I think by the end of the week, I can usually see that I have indeed listened to more than I have downloaded.

Well.. it makes sense to me.

I love my podcasts, it gives me something entertaining to listen to and I don't get tired of it cuz I'm always listening to a different episode all the time. It's not like when I'm listening to the music I have loaded, becuase after awhile I start getting repeated songs. With the podcasts, it's a different episode so I'm always listening to something new.

I love my iPod. I think if I get through enough podcasts, I will give up listening to my iPod at work during Lent.

Oooh, that's hardcore, but I'm sure I can do it.

Oh geez.. catch the flying time!

Wow, where did the week go?

Work has got me running around in circles. Home life and performance life has got me spinning around in circles. The choir has got me going also.

December is a bad month for any sort of leisure. I am learning this the hard way.

I'm exhausted but I can't stop. There are too many things to do that rest is just not an option right now. I promise myself in January that I will find some time to rest... i hope!

I am still around. I am still doing well.. I just barely have any time to surf the internet and blog around. I kinda miss it. It doesn't help that the internet is up and down at my house. Even my poor iPod Touch isn't picking up the Wi-Fi connection at my house so I can't even get on the internet from there!

I hope that it improves soon.

Hope everyone is more relaxed than I am.. but from the looks of it.. I think we are all in the same boat when it comes to the Christmas season.

Also, I've noticed that I have been much more assertive with expressing my faith when it comes to this Advent season. When people have been trying to be politically correct and telling me "happy holidays" i always seem to find myself replying with a "merry christmas."

I'm a Catholic. I celebrate Christmas. I will say it. I refuse to "PC."

That is all.

Enjoy the Advent season!

The most fun..

Ok.. tonight had to be one of the most fun nights I have had in awhile. Seriously. It was the Cursillo's Christmas party it was held in the parish that I sing in the choir for. I"m not necessarily a registered member of the parish, tho' i might as well be.

Anyway, the party was a success. I haven't danced like that in a long time and I haven't truly had fun like that in awhile.

I needed that little diversion.

Amen!

Slower than expected..

Ok, so it's ONLY tuesday. It's not even NOON yet.

Ya, this is setting up to be one of the slowest weeks EVER!

I also have to work on Saturday, so this will also be one of the LONGEST weeks ever.

I can't be bitter though. That means that I am needed at my workplace and that I still have some value in the facility so that means that I will stay longer. I just want to stay. I like the work here, even though I complain about how busy we are, I still like the type of work I do.

Being busy and tired is way better than be bored all day.

Even though when I would be bored all day at my old job, I got to stay on the computer and chat and blog all day. That was cool. But I felt kind of guilty using up my eight hours to sit and surf the internet all day (on my own computer that I would bring from home) and get paid for it.

It's all in the experience.

Oh well. Back to work!

Look who decides to show up!

Ok.. ok.. it's been A LONG TIME since my last blog entry.

No, I didn't fall of the face of the earth. I just got busy. That's all.

I got wrapped up (albeit too late) in the whole nanowrimo.org "write a 50K word novel in the month of november" craze. Granted. I got started on November 16th and as of now, I only have about 6K+ words.

I'm about 12% into completion and well... I highly doubt I'll make it to the end of november.

I'm not bitter tho. I'll try to finish it and we'll see what happens to it. Hahaha!

It's not very good. It's kinda "diary" ish.

It's the diary of a 20-something year old single girl. That's pretty much all it is. The story is told through the various diary entries she puts in her diary. It's a pretty unique concept. I know that it's similar to "brigdet jones diary" movie concept, but if i remember correctly, Bridget Jones had a lot of narration as well as the diary entries.

Mine is/was strictly diary entries.

I know it's not too good. I let Justyn read it and he says it's good. But Justyn is my bestest friend and he'd say only nice things to me. So, I know he's a tad biased.

Anyway, I'll try, once again, to stay regular on the blogging.

The Christmas season is quickly approaching. There are a lot of things to do.

I also had a pretty awesome Thanksgiving weekend. So, life is good so far. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Till next time!

Ok. I am using my iPod touch to type out this blog entry. Oh the possibilities this can lead to. This means that if there is available wifi in an area I am in, I can blog wherever I wanna.

Me likes!

Loner..

I think I have to finally admit to myself that I may NEVER be good enough to be in a relationship.

Maybe I'm just the type of person that will go through life all alone. I will have many failed relationships.. and most of the time the failure will be MY fault.

Maybe the "relationship thing" isn't for me..

Maybe "marriage" isn't for me..

Maybe "spending my life with someone else" isn't for me..

I certainly haven't found the right guy to do it..

I mean.. I may have found many "right guys" but I seem to just screw it up.. ALL THE TIME... and i'm not the least bit remorseful.. I mean.. I have my reasons for feeling the way I feel and doing the things I do.. why should I be sorry?

Seriously.. I mean.. what is the point? There is no point.. there is no point in trying to get into a relationship.. or keep a relationship.. if I'm just going to screw it up anyway.. and I have my reasons.. granted.. they not be good reasons.. but regardless.. I have my reasons..

Do you think there is a guy out there that WON'T give me those reasons to screw up a relationship with him? Is there a guy out there that won't resurrect my insecurities?

Can you help me find him??

Spiral..

I feel like I'm losing control in life.

I don't know. All things I thought I had in control are slowing spiraling away and scattering into a million pieces at my feet.

That's pretty much the best way I can explain it.

I'm losing control.

I feel like I've had this glass ball full of sand. I just dropped it in on the floor and the moment the ball shattered, high winds started to kick in.. blowing all the fine sand EVERYWHERE.

The fine sand is my life. Each particile of sand is every aspect of my life. Each aspect of my life is blowing every which way away from me because of the wind. Everything is blowing away from me and no matter how much I try to gather it all togther.. the wind blows it all over the place again.

I'm not liking this strange turn of events. I'm not liking the sudden loss of control.

What is going on in my life? Why is this happening?

I thought everything was smooth and honky-dory. What happened???

Follow me..

Today was a good day.

Better than yesterday.

Yesterday I was sick. I had a mild bout of food poisoning. It's a good thing I didn't eat a lot of what went bad. It's a good thing am much better today and that I got over it fast.

Today was a good day.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I always have a lot to be thankful for. My life is not always the drama that I always seem to write about. I guess that I'm always drawn to writing about things that bother me. It releases a lot of the emotions I am feeling because of it all.

Sadly, it makes my life look more dramatic than it really is.

Follow me around for a day and you'll see how good I can actually have it. I'm not always about confusion and contemplation.

I am about faith and trying to live my life according to my faith. I am about trying to trust in God's will and trying to offer up my hardships and trusting that He knows what He's getting me into.

Somedays are easier to deal with than others.

That's my humanity. I can't escape it.

Follow me.. and maybe we could engage in some pretty interesting conversation..

Call me stupid..

Call me stupid.. but I can't let it go.. I can't let him go..

I've had my share of messed up relationships.. I have easily walked away from all of them. Granted, I've had the obligatory heartache and whatnot, but I was able to walk away.

I can't walk away from this one. No matter how much I try, I can't walk away.

Is it stupidity, or is it something more?

No matter what has been put between us, no matter all the signs and all the advice.. it's something we just can't end.

Is it stupidity, or is it something more?

Thanks for everyone's comments and love. I appreciate it a lot. I guess it's just showing me what I am truly getting into right now.. pray for strength.. pray for a miracle.. pray for something!

Is it all in the name of love?

Is there a point to be madly in love with someone, but be completely miserable with that person too?

Is it healthy?

I mean, if there is one thing.. just one thing.. that is stopping you from having a perfectly happy relationship and that one thing is so important that you can't just get over it or let it go.. and you're willing to endure the unhappiness so that you don't have to make him choose between the other thing and you.. is it worth it?

Is it?

Meow!

Disappate..

We are all still living in a smokey haze. It's not as difficult to breathe as it was before. We are all still hoping that the fires will be put out completely. There are so many people that have lost their homes and so many things.

It's hard to think of my life as complicated when you put it in perspective to those victims of the fire.

There are so many things I have to be thankful for that I can't just dwell over all the little minute facts of my life right now.

I have a home. I didn't have to evacuate. My home was in the clear the whole time. My only problem was smoke inhalation. At least I had a home to go to when I needed to escape the smoke.

I think that they have the fires under control and the weather is finally cooperating with them. I pray for the firefighters and all that they have been doing. I pray for their safety and I pray for their families. I don't know how I could sleep at night knowing that a loved one is out there in the fires.. ON PURPOSE.. to fight them off..

I admire the strength of those families.. I admire the strength of the firefighters..

If only I could be that strong..

Cloud of smoke.

I am living in a cloud of smoke.

Literally and metaphorically. Wierd. Isn't it?

San Bernardino (where I work) is covered in smoke. The smoke is coming down from the mountain and we are sitting in a big cloud of smoke. There is not even a breeze here, so the smoke is just sitting here. It's hard to breathe, my eyes are burning, my skin is drying. My head is hurting so bad.

They finally told us that we could go home if the smoke is getting to us. I most likely will be after I finish writing out my project report. I am getting dizzy each time I try to move my head.

My life feels like I'm immersed in a cloud of smoke.

I thought I was so sure in my decision. I thought it was finally the right thing to do. But I was wrong. I was so wrong and I would do anything to take it all back and to just be the way it was before.

But God has reasons as to why He puts these things in life. It was my conscious decision, but I know that my life is in His hands.. so.. I must have been steered to do this for a reason.

If I was meant to have him in my life, the God will find a way to bring him back. If God says that we have gone as far as we could, then I must accept what I have decided.

I can't change what I had done. I can't take it back and not expect the repercussions.

If I could take it back.. I know better what to do with it when I get it back..

It's never going to be perfect.. but I would like it to be Christ-centered.

A relationship thrives based off of love, communication and God. If those three very important aspects are there, then anything can happen. That's what I want... with whoever God decides I should share that with..

I offer it up to the Lord..

Don't stop til you get enough..

I just got back from my first year serving at the Cursillo retreat. As you know, I did the retreat last year. I absolutely loved it. It was so far one of the best experiences of my life. It changed my outlook on my relationship with God and how I express that in my daily life.

I feel so blessed to be able to share that experience with this years candidates. I wanted to make sure they had the same experience I did it last year. I hope I did them proud.

The fires around here are really crazy. I am close enough to smell the smoke and to get ashes rained down on my car. I am close enough to see all the smoke surrounding me.

But thank God I'm far enough at this point to worry about the house or evacuating. I am praying that it won't ever get to that point.

I do know several people that have had to evacuate and several people that have the strong possibilty that their home has been lost. I really hope that they didn't lose their house.

I'm praying for their safety and for the survival of their home. I'm also praying for the firefighters. They are risking their lives to save all of us. True heroes.

Prayer..

My prayer life sucks.

No, really it does. I truly feel like I don't pray as often as I should.

Granted, I feel like I'm in "constant communication" with God at all times. For the most part, I do have little conversations with God throughout the day. I usually find myself saying a quick prayer, or making a quick comment to God about things that are going on that very second.

But I can't tell you that I actually sit down, make quiet time, and meditate in prayer.

Hence.. my prayer life sucks.

How can I teach children the importance of prayer if I have a hard time practicing it myself.

Must.. be.. disciplined!

I told the kids today that there are always prayers you have in your mind. No matter how big or how small, you will always have a prayer.

You could either be asking for something or thanking God for something. Most of the time, kids only know about asking for something, but I wanted to let them know that prayer is also thanking God for something that they received or that they are thankful for.

I do that. For the most part, my prayers lately haven't even been about ME. They've been about my students, my friends, my family.. rarely for me anymore..

I need to start trying to take some time out of my day to thank God for all the things I have been blessed with. It's the least I could do for a life time of blessings He's been granting me..

Any suggstions on how I can go about making more time??

Another year starts.. today!

So.. today is the first day of my CCD class.

I'm excited, nervous, and hopeful.

I hope that this year will be better than any other the other years I have taught. This will be my third class. My first class was a blast, last years was questionable.. I don't know what to expect for this class.

I want to approach this class in a whole new light. I have learned so much from Cursillo and from listening to all those Catholic podcasts. I have a vision of how I want my class to be. I just don't know if that's the way it's going to end up. I'm praying that it will be close to what I'm imagining.. but who knows?

Well.. wish me luck.. and send a lil prayers my way!

Quickly came.. quickly passed..

Well.. my birthday is over. I am officially in my late twenties.

I really have nothing to be bitter about. I shouldn't have anything to be bitter about. I have no right to be bitter about anything when I know that the Lord has blessed me in so many ways.

Things are looking up for me. Why dwell over things I can't have, or don't have at the moment? Why obsess over trying to get something that is not accessible to me? Why do all that? Why not trust that God will make things happen in His time, and not mine?

I shouldn't have anything to worry about.

Except for this slight hang over..

"...and I will sing forever.."

Sometimes God throws you curveballs..

The Adult Chorale Troupe is starting up again for the Christmas season.. I was really looking forward to singing in ACT 2.. the solo group.. and I had the perfect song for the audition to.. "Where Are You Christmas" sung by Faith Hill.. I have been rehearsing it and working on it for awhile. I had sung it in the past and I really feel like I am ready to sing it again..

But the ACT 2 rehearsals are conflicting with my singing at Sacred Heart Church at 12:30pm. I can always rearrange my Mass attendance schedule but that would mean that I would have to sacrifice singing with the choir.. which I love..

I don't want the choir to think that my participation there is just an afterthought. I love singing in that choir.. I love serving the Lord thru the gift of song He was graciously given me..

I want to do both.. but I can't.. and I have to make a decision by this next Monday becuase that's when I am going to audition the song..

I think I am going to sacrifice ACT 2 for this show.. and then maybe compromise and allow myself to do the Broadway show's ACT 2..

Sigh.. this makes me bummed.. but I think I'm making the right compromise..

Keep on walking..

I made a personal declaration to myself to not give up on my life.

I just don't know how to stop feeling like I already have.

Life isn't fair. Everyone seems to have the life that I have always wanted. Yet they seem to be the farthest from God and any form of religion. They are "spiritual" rather than "religious" believing in the "higher power" but not practicing any faith..

Yet.. they are married.. some have kids.. and kids on the way..

That's what I want.. why can't I have that and practice my faith too?

Others do it.. why can't i?

I know that the answers are out there.. I have to stop sulking about my life and just go look for those answers..

But where? Where do i start?

What if the answers have been in front of me the whole time? What if it's right there under my nose? What if I'm missing the answers completely?

What if I never find it.. NO! I refuse to believe that I will never figure out the meaning of my life.. I refuse to believe that I will never find the answers..

Everything will be revealed to me in time.. slowly.. I just need to be patient..

Patience.. oh Lord.. help me!!

Me and Mother Theresa..

There is an article in Time Magazine about Mother Theresa and her "dark night of the soul."

Now, I have written about this in the past. I'm not sure how far back, but I know I have mentioned this before. I mentioned that I was going through a dark night of the soul, similar to Mother Theresa.

After reading the article, I never knew how deep the darkness was in her. She wrote things as if I were writing them myself. Mentioning things how God loves everyone else, and blesses everyone else.. but herself..

Everyone.. but her..

I mean.. Mother Theresa.. thinking God loves everyone.. but her.. MOTHER THERESA!

It's understandable for a person like me.. someone so insignificant.. someone not making much of an impact on this world.. to feel that way. If something were to happen to me.. the whole world would not mourn.. so.. it's easy to feel as God were to just overlook me. I believe in the goodness of God.. I believe that He is there for everyone.. but me..

It's more understandable for these feelings to come from me.. insignificant me..

But Mother Theresa.. wow.. she seems to be the one that the Lord has touched the MOST in our time.. how can she feel so detached?

It seems so surreal.. that Mother Theresa had felt the same exact things that I am going through right now..

Mother Theresa was such a religious icon of our time.. it's hard to believe that she can doubt and be human.. I guess she was just someone who I took for granted.. never even considering her human side..

I have so much more respect for her now.. knowing that she perservered through her "dark night of the soul," and knowing that it was just as deep as mine is now.. and to know that she got through it.. Knowing that she never gave up praying and praising our Lord.. it's very inspiring..

There is hope for me yet!

My mission.. should I choose to accept it..

Watching video podcasts. Catholic video podcasts. Well.. for the most part.. actually.. all of the podcasts and video podcasts that I am subscribed to are Catholic. Wait.. one of them is Homestarrunner but they don't update their video podcast.. so I don't think that counts anymore..

I have a strong need to learn and absorb as many things Catholic as I can. I want to learn so much about my faith and grow in my faith and all these podcasts and all the reading material that they suggest and point me towards have helped me a great deal.

So why not become a nun?

The thought has crossed my mind. And for awhile, my thought process was.. if things dont' work out with Justin and I .. then I'd discern that vocation.. well.. things didn't work out with Justin and I..

I just don't feel that my "call" is to religious life. I feel that I am to remain a lay person, but I do feel a pull to serve the Church in some deeper way. I want to be able to let all existing Catholics know what they are missing out on by not practicing their faith.

I feel that my call is not to really evangelize to non-Christians and non-Catholics.. but to "bring home" many of the baptized Catholics that have strayed from the faith. I want to make non-practicing Catholics embrace their faith and see it for all of it's beauty and to truly understand the origins of the teachings and to really study what is said from the Vatican and from the Pope before they make snap judgments based on the soundbites they get from global media.

I feel my calling is that.. especially for the children. I want them to understand and embrace their Catholic faith.. if children are raised with the knowlege and understanding of their faith.. then maybe the decisions they make as adolescents and then as adults would be better because they have a strong religous background.

And if it's just starts with one person.. and that person teaches it to their children.. and so on .. and so on.. then maybe.. just maybe.. the world will be in a much peaceful place..

All it takes is one person.. with enough love in their heart to believe that this can come true.. and the Lord will work things out in His time..

That Catholic Show on SQPN.com

I love this show. I love the website. It has so many great Catholic people trying to spread the good news of the Lord and teach us things about the fatih that most people might not know or might be questioning themselves.

I have learned so much and am a huge fan of all the podcasts and video podcasts they have on there. May the Lord continue to bless each and every one of them for all their hard work!

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time..

TGIF!

It's about time Friday came along. I know that we had Monday off, but I sure doesn't feel like I did. This week went by slower than the usual. I hope to have a pretty interesting weekend.

I plan on having a facial tomorrow. I need one, my face is in dire need of one. Hopefully the "spa treatment" will help me feel a little more relaxed. I have been holding a lot of tension in my jaw again lately. For some reason thats were I hold it when I feel so much stress. It gives me headaches and I have the beginnings of TMJ now. Yuck!

Pretty soon I'll have to be sleeping with a bite guard.. haha.. that's a sight!

I hope it doesn't get to that point.. or even to the point that I have to get braces again or something.. that would suck so much! I have resorted to keeping my mouth open from the inside at ALL TIMES.. even so much as to put my tongue between my bottom and top molars to prevent me from biting down..

Yikes! Crazy jaw tension!