2008.. only a few days left!

I can't believe we are on the last few days of 2008. It seems like only yesterday we were ringing in the new year.. now the whole year has zoomed on by.. and we're ready to start 2009.

I used to take the time to re-evaluate my life and how much it hasn't changed or progressed at all.

This year is different.. because I do feel changed and I do feel like I've made progress..

So.. there's no need for an in-depth evaluation and some time to feel sorry for myself.. because I don't..

I'm excited about what's to come in the new year. I'm excited for what 2009 will bring me.. I'm sure there will be the ups and downs of time.. and I know that I will come out of it standing tall..

It just seems like sometimes the years seem to go TOO fast..

So.. now the time just drags..

Funny how time plays with your head.

You know that the time doesn't speed up or slow down.. but when you want things to slow down.. or you want time to speed up.. your brain makes it seem that everything is moving in the opposite speed you desire.

Am I even making sense?!

I just feel like I'm not all here right now..

Maybe I just miss him a lot.. but I know that as the time passes.. it will get a little easier.. and then the weeks will fly by and he'll be home before I realize..

Looking at the calendar makes it seem like such a short time.. but it's feeling like eternity.

I just want him to stay safe and healthy.. and have a good time..

Popped back into YouTube!

Too fast..

The day is speeding by way to quickly.. and the faster time goes.. the faster we get to dropping off boyfriend to the airport for his trip to Asia.

Pray for a safe trip for him.

Pray that he comes back in one piece.. healthy.. and full of reasons to miss me like crazy..

Three weeks..

I just want him to stay safe..

Precious and few..

Are the moments we two can share....

Hmmm.. why do I have that song stuck in my head at 12:30am!

I suppose I'm having a hard time sleeping because I pretty much slept a good five hours when I got home today.

Bad reaction to drinking a lot of wine during Mass today..

Had to consume the left over consecrated Blood of Christ.. and well.. in it's wine-state.. the sulfites and whatnot are still present.. and.. well.. that never sits well in my system.

Passed out bad at the restaurant we were eating in.. and had to be shipped off via ambulance to the emergency room to make sure that everything was ok..

Ended up with a migraine headache.. they gave me some strong headache meds.. and some benadryl.. which both BURN going into my system via an IV drip.. yow!

Was discharged.. and went home and crashed on the couch.. woke up for a bit with the ever-so-caring boyfriend called to see if I was really ok..

I am ok now.. kinda awake.. but I know once I shut this computer down.. I'll fall asleep...

About three more days til Christmas.. and I have barely gotten anything done!

One year ago... yesterday..

Flip a coin..

Heads, you lose.

Tails, you lose.

Either way, you lose.

Either way, you're just unhappy.

Time heals all wounds, but the scars stay forever.

You live, you learn. You learn not to love again. You learn not to trust in love again. You learn not to fall again.

One right after the other.. failed.. failed.. failed..

"It wasn't meant to be."

"He wasn't the right one for you."

"You'll find that right guy especially when you stop looking."

You start to see through all those lies. They no longer make you feel better. You'd rather be alone.

Why would I get entangeled in such a mess again?

Why would I subject myself to all the hurt and the ups and downs again?

It's like smoking. You start to know that it's bad for you, yet you still do it and you still get involved. You know very well the affects it has, and you know so many people hurt by the affects. Yet, you still do it.

Not anymore.

I'm done.

I can't get hurt anymore.

I can't cry over another guy anymore.

I can't get my heart broken anymore.

I can't trust any guy anymore.

I'm done.

I'm done for good.

I'm done.

Funny.. and here I am.. with a new relationship.. with a new guy.. who I am hoping will be the last guy.. and I thought I was done..

Let's hope I'm not done.. let's hope that.. in a sense.. I am done.. done getting hurt.. and looking for someone new..

We can only pray..

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Let the frenzy begin..

Today.. er.. tonight will be busy.. gonna start on my annual "goodie-making" marathon. This year.. it will be easy.. just a bunch of fudge. It's good fudge.. fudge made with love.. and that's the best kind of fudge there is.

I love making home-made gifts to give to friends and family. For me.. putting that extra effort into making something from scratch just shows how much I appreciate having that person in my life. I hope that they realize that too.

I'm also making some red velvet cupcakes and filipino pastry.

It's going to be hard work and every year I get tired.. but every year I look forward to doing this.

It's Christmas time, people!!!!

Could time move any faster?!

I'm at home.. with mounds of laundry.. and tons of shopping.. and a baby I'm about to babysit in an hour or so..

O... m... g...

I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.. well.. not really.. I just feel very overwhelmed by my laundry right now.. especially since I'll have my boyfriend here this weekend.. gotta get the room ready for him to inhabitate..

This laundry is going to be death of me!

No idea!

December is just zooming by and I haven't gotten anything Christmas-related done. It's my last week of school for the year and so I am busy trying to wrap that up so that I can concentrate fully on all that I need to do for the Christmas stuff.

I have a boyfriend this year so I have to figure out what I am going to get him. I really have no idea. We are considering just going out somewhere nice and having just a little Christmas outing. But as nice as all that is.. I would really want to give him something that he could unwrap and stuff..

I just have no idea what that something could be.

Busy.. busy.. that I may have to just skip out on all the choir extra-curricular activities because I do have to juggle my time for the boyfriend. It's not like my past boyfriends where we lived close enough to see each other any time we wanted. This is different. We actually have to make time and make it a weekend event in order to see each other.

I have to be able to free of some time for that.

It's just Gods way of making sure I have time for someone and to make sure I know how to work through a relationship instead of just living it by and just being so blah about it all..

It's worth it..

Now.. any ideas for Christmas gifts for him??!?

You know that's cute!

That's us from last Saturday night. I took it with my camera phone because we both forgot out digital cameras. Silly us. Thank God my new phone has an awesome flash on it or we'd never have this picture.

Cute!

Fun.. fun.. fun..

I was in San Diego this weekend.

Went to go see my boyfriend that I haven't seen for a month. Yay!

We kinda celebrated our six month anniversary and then went to his company christmas party and just hung out.

It's always so much fun spending time with him.. it's a shame that he and I live far apart and are at times too busy to spend many weekends together..

Well..

It's ok.. we make the most of it.. and we have a great time.. I just wish that we'd have more great times more often.

He gave me the box set of the complete FRiENDS series.. it's awesome.. I had the DVDs per season.. but as he was borrowing them.. he realized that some of them are scratched.. so.. I was planning on buying the whole series myself.. but he beat me to it..

Sweet.

He makes me happy like a high schooler in a new relationship..

Same old excuse.

Non-stop.

Busy.

Tired.

You have NO idea how much work I have had to do these past few weeks. Things have just begun to slow down to the point that I have been able to take my breaks. But just when I thought that I will begin to have control over things.. I just get word that my workload is going to get so much more busy again.

I'm not really complaining. I like what I am doing.. it's just those several samples that don't seen to work as well as the other ones do. Not every sample runs smoothly and quickly. That's frustrating but it's nature.. it's the natural flow of things.. not all flow smoothly..

I guess the business works out for me because it gets my mind off of all the tragedy I've had to deal with in the past few weeks.

Earlier this week, we found out that one of the doctors in our laboratory system.. not our own branch lab.. was found dead..

Last week.. my friend died..

The week before that.. a family friend of my boyfriend had died..

Death comes in three's.. doesn't seem to fail..

God bless their souls..

Keeping things light today..

All I have today is a survey that I found on a Myspace bulletin.. I filled it out.. posted it there.. and now.. I'm posting it here..



Filling the time..

Who was the last person you hugged?
*Probably some friend.. or some choir person..

What were you doing at midnight last night?
*Waiting for Joe to stop studying so we could talk for a lil bit..

Parents separated/divorced/married?
*Married

Last time you saw your dad?
*Just.. right.. now!

Do you like coffee?
*It runs through my veins..

What do you drink in the morning?
*Nothing..

Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
*I always have to be on the right side..

What's your favorite color skittle?
*Red.

Do you drink water daily?
*I gues..

Where are you?
*At home..

What do you want most right now?
*To see my boyfriend.. awww..

Three names you go by?
*Rachel.. EEEE.. Ninang..

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
*Nope..

Any plans for tomorrow?
*Work.. home.. bible study..

What are you doing tonight?
*Homework..

Do you have a best friend?
*Two awesome ladies!

Last kiss?
*LAST MONTH.... hopefully the next one is this weekend..

Absence...

There has been such a somber mood in the house since my friend passed away. He was way too young for that. The acceptance is sinking in.. and life is moving on... but he will always have a special place in my life..

Because of that I haven't had much of an urge to blog. I guess that's why I hadn't lately. But here I am again. Many lessons learned.. many thoughts running at full speed..

I'll have enough thought processes to create several blog posts for the next month.. so I'd encourage you to keep reading.

Today, I want to talk about something more pleasant. I want to get my mind off the death and the sadness and talk about something else..

The boyfriend.

He and I haven't seen each other for what will be a month next week. I am going down to visit him next week. Last time I saw him was the first weekend of November when I went down there to visit him..

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.. well.. I do miss him.. A LOT. I know he misses me.. and I think that's what makes me miss him more..

I know that the following week is going to go slow as I start to anticipate my going down there to see him.

Sheesh.. I pray that one of these years that the situation will change.. and we wont' have to be long-distance anymore..

But for now.. this is what we gotta do..

It couldn't possibly be happening to me..

This is something that only other people go through.. not me.. I don't have to deal with losing friends too soon in life.. stuff like that doesn't happen to me.. stuff like that happens to other people..

I could only wish..

It happened on Saturday. He got into a really bad accident at work.. I found out Sunday morning.. and have been on pins and needles ever since.. worrying out of my mind.. praying that he'll pull through..

Then.. I get a call late Sunday that he was officially brain dead..

Today.. they pulled the plug.

My friend is gone. He's my age.. and it was an accident. It shouldn't have happened.. it was an accident.

I'm shock and still can't believe this happened to such a great guy. He was a great friend and I will miss him lots..

I know I will see him again in Heaven. I know that he went peacefully. He doesn't have to feel pain anymore. I just wish that it didn't have to happen so soon. It all happened so fast.. my world is absolutely shaken.. it shouldn't have happened to him..

She's coming back on Friday..

Wait.. today's only Thursday..

It's been a busy Church week for me. Yesterday was the Bible Study. Today is a meeting for potential Eucharistic ministers. I am one, it's just that I want to start serving at Sacred Heart eventually. And then tomorrow is choir rehearsal.

I should have set up camp and spent the night at the Church this week.

Not only all that.. plus juggling this week's school work.

I guess it's a blessing that he isn't coming over this week.. or in the subsequent weeks.. let's me catch up on school..

But that isn't to say that I was going to sacrifice and work extra hard during the week in order to make some time on the weekends for him..

But well.. what can I do..

Anyway.. my workday is almost done.. so I can rejoice in surviving another day at work with my sanity.. hee hee..

Say goodbye..

Say good-bye to November.. and hello to December.. well.. at least that's what it feels like to me.. especially after finding out that I won't be able to see the boyfriend until December..

It's like.. I won't see him til December.. and then.. soon after.. he leaves for his trip.. then I won't see him til January whenever.. may even be as late as February..

It's going to be a rough few months on the relationship.. but taking it one week at a time.. I guess we can make it work..

Sucks.. but this is real life..

I guess in a way.. it's a blessing.. I'm swamped with work for this Finance and Accounting class I am taking for my MBA.. it's absolutely maddening how much work I have to do for this class.. I honestly can't wait til it's done. We are on Week 3.. halfway done.. so it's going by quickly.. but still.. I can't wait to be done..

I went to my first bible study class.. it was interesting and I learned a lot.. not about the bible just yet.. but it was an introduction.. and it was really interesting..

I can't wait til the next week.. and the weeks to come..

So.. this is my life for the next couple of weeks.. they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.. well.. let's hope so!

Weekend recap..

Ok.. well.. let's see.. the weekend was alright. Nothing majorly exciting happened. It wasn't a "boyfriend" weekend, so I had to fill it up with non-boyfriend activities.

Saturday I woke up nice and late. I slept in which felt marvelous! Went to a friend's aunt's birthday party. That was pretty fun.. I did feel a lot underdressed as we were required to wear jeans as a choir. We were singing for the Mass and for a little program that they had for the birthday girl. We we required to wear jeans and it was a little embarrassing because there were several people there that were more dressed up because it was an 85th birthday party at a little local hall. I was assuming a little more dressier than jeans-casual.. but no... we "had" to wear jeans because we all wanted to look "uniform.."

We all could have looked uniform wearing something a little nicer than jeans.. but whatever.. I'm not the "leader" so I don't have say..

I had fun despite feeling under dressed.. which we really were.. but whatever.. I'm over it.. hahaha..

Sunday was full of Church and homework.. homework.. homework..

That was my weekend.

On a lighter note.. I have decided to join a Bible/Catechism of the Catholic Church study class at my parish. It's on Wednesday nights and I'm excited. I missed going to Bible Study and now I get the chance to do so again.

I am sooo ready to open my mind and heart to all the teachings of the Catholic Church and to see how everything we believe in is rooted in Scripture. That's going to be so fun!

Can't wait!

Glyde-ing through life..

That is a picture of my new phone. No.. it's obviously NOT a blackberry.. and I did good with not spending too much money.. and not adding any additional monthly services.. or increasing my monthly phone bill..

It's still something I need to get used to.. the touch screen is pretty awesome but I am still getting used to where the buttons are and what they do and where they lead me. The QWERTY keyboard is a tad different than my old phone and the way I have to hold it to text is a tad different.. but I am overall satisfied with my phone choice.

It's a lot smaller than my old phone and less bulky.. so I did good.. yay!

Man.. oh man..

Fires. In Santa Barbara. Many, many homes are being destroyed as I type. Wow.

Tragedies like that make me realize that my own life could be so much worse than what I have. In reality, I have it fairly well.

Blessed. Prayer is all we really have.

- - - - -

Yawn. I can't believe that tomorrow is Friday already. Having Tuesday off for Veteran's Day really threw me off. I can't believe how thrown off I was this week. It wasn't as bad as I anticipated but it was still a little odd to have a day off in the middle of the week and it wasn't a sick-call.

- - - - -

I got a new phone. No.. not a Blackberry. I compromised with myself and decided to go with the Samsung Glyde. I didn't have to add any extra services.. therefore.. my monthly phone bill is the same. It's a nice phone and it's taking some getting used to.. but it's working out so far.. it's got a touch screen. The closest I'll ever get to owning an iPhone. I'm happy about it.

- - - - -

My unofficial firstborn son has an email account. I'm officially old!

Shaken.. and stirred..

I have to admit that the events of the past weekend, tho' had a happy ending.. have left me a tad bit shaken..

I guess when relationships take one of those bad turns.. and make you reevaluate everything you thought you knew about it.. you can't help but feel a little shaken about it..

I mean.. in the next few days.. what if he changes his mind..

That's the main concern.

But I just keep thinking that if we decided what we decided.. then.. that's it.. right? I mean.. I'm not going to change my mind.. and we both have a lot of things on our plate right now that we don't have time to change our minds.. right?

It's just that minor "re-building" period that I seem to hate so much.. the minor insecurity.. trying to keep your mind open to whatever will happen from now on..

Finally realizing that the relationship you are in is not invincible.. that the relationship you are in is vulnerable to everything that everyone else's relationships are vulnerable to.. that the relationship you are in is not the exception to the rule..

One day.. one month.. at a time.. no more.. no less.. or else it may seem highly overwhelming..

"I'll pray for you.."

I'm sure that is a saying many of us have encountered.. and many of us had said.. I'm sure we say it everyday!

But now.. let's think about it..

For all the people that you say "I'll pray for you.." how many of us actually do?

For some of us.. that term is used very loosely.. if someone is going through a hard time.. or someone tells us of their minute problems.. the first instinct is to tell that person "I'll pray for you.." but when it comes down to prayer time.. you may forget..

Or is that just my problem?

I've begun to start generalizing it.. "Dear God.. for those people I said that I would pray for today.. I'm offering prayers to their need in the hopes that whatever they are going through or whatever they need be resolved and taken into Your loving care.."

Is that sufficient?

Or should I start writing stuff down and pray in detail?

I mean.. I'm sure it counts.. right? Prayer is prayer.. intention is intention..

I just feel bad for the people that may really be going through something I end up lumping them into my general "I'll pray for you.." prayer.. instead of praying intently for that person's needs..

Something to think about.. what do you do?

Stormy weather..

Welcome to November.. weather and all..

Got back from San Diego.. it was.. interesting.. and let's just say that.. it all turned out for the better..

I found the peace and I found a reason to smile again.. because I know.. and that's all I needed to know.. in the end.. that's all I needed to know..

And that's all I am going to say about that.. for now.. hahaha..

I gotta start winding down.. and focus on the homework at hand.. I can't find the concentration.. maybe because I am still not 100% sure what the assignment is asking me to do write about.. it's only a 700 word minimum. That shouldn't be so hard. I can blog about 700 words if really given the time..

I should be able to finish that paper in no time.. yawn..

Too bad I only got a few hours of sleep last night.. and a two hour nap before I went back home..

But we all know that is never enough sleep for me..

All pretty and dressed up..

Halloween.. 2008.

The picture was taken from the church choir's halloween party and choir rehearsal. Granted.. we didn't spend too much time reshearsing.. and much more time partying.. and karaoking..

You get a room full of singers together.. with a piano in one room.. and a karaoke in another room.. what did you expect?

Of course you are!

Well.. we didn't really "talk" like I want to.. but in my own way.. I found a way to get something out of him that I have been wanting to hear for awhile..

I am important to him.

I mean.. I guess I did always know that.. it's true that he wouldn't make the drive up here every other weekend or so.. without any complaints.. if I wasn't important to him..

Actions do speak louder than words..

But sometimes words mean a lot.. it's just something I wanted to hear.. and it's made me feel better about him.. and about me.. and about us.. and I'm slowing patching things up in my mind..

Now if I could just adjust to the Daylight Savings Time change.. then life would be perfection.. hahaha!

Important..

It's nice to be wanted.. isn't it?

I mean.. it makes you feel somewhat important in someone's life.. right?

I just feel like.. I'm not important.. I'm not important to the one person that I shoud be somewhat important to.. and well.. it sucks..

Six months later.. you would think that I would have gained SOME importance.. I mean.. I'm not asking for top priority.. but at least some sort of status.. some sort of stature in the hierarchy of his life..

I felt important before.. when we first started going out.. when we first met each other.. when we were getting to know each other.. I felt important then.. and now.. as the months go by.. I just feel less and less important.. it's like.. he doesn't even try anymore.. the only effort he makes is when he drives up here every other weekend.. and spends the weekend with me.. outside of that.. it's like.. he barely cares..

I mean.. he's not a bad boyfriend at all.. there are moments when I we are both there.. both in the same moment.. where I feel we are both on the same page.. and then.. he pulls back..

I don't know what he's afraid of..

And the longer this is going.. the more I'm losing interest.. and I'm just scared that by the time he realizes to fix this.. I'll be so deep into my "shut down" mode.. that I'm not going to want to fix it anymore..

Sad thing is.. I don't think he realizes what's going on right now.. and when we talk.. it's like.. he's so oblivious.. it's hard to get the coversation started..

Why can't he realize that I'm actually hurting here?

I don't know how to do it..

I'm tired.. maybe I should sleep early.

I read an article in a magazine.. I forgot which.. that said that people that tend to get less than about five hours of sleep tend to gain weight.

Gasp!

They said that lack of sleep supresses some sort of hormone or something that slows down the metabolism and that is when you start gaining weight. Maybe i'll read it again and blog more about it when I actually know the details.

My week off I should start going to bed earlier.. and I think that is what I'll do now.. I am kinda sleepy.. why fight it.. there isn't anything uber important going on anyway.. right?

There isn't much..

There isn't much to say today.. not that there is so much to say any other day.. but.. I felt like leaving an entry just because.. it's fun.

I am officially on a week break from school. I just finished my.. fourth.. fifth.. class towards my MBA.. it's fun.. I guess.. I'm still trying to decide if this really something I want to pursue afterwards. I'm not as enthusiastic about it as I was taking all my science classes. But I'm going to keep on going.. cuz I don't want to quit. I've been getting by.. why stop now?

I mean.. it's really only been a few classes.. maybe I just haven't found something that really peaks my interest.

My next class is finance and accounting. Math.

Now I'm curious how to do a math class.. online..

I guess we'll find out next week!

After this finance and accounting class, which should end in mid December.. I get a break for the holidays. No school for about two and a half weeks. That's going to be sooo great!

Other than this week off.. there isn't really anything else going in my life.. my relationship is.. going.. work is.. going.. life is just.. going..

I'm happy.. healthy.. and blessed.. so I really can't complain..

And we meet in the sky..

Six months is enough for a person to know how you kinda feel about them.. right?

I mean.. regardless of how much you see a person.. right?

And it's not like we hardly see each other and also hardly ever talk or anything.. cuz we talk everyday..

And I only said I didn't know.. cuz.. maybe I did know.. but until he said he didn't.. then.. it make me realize that maybe I don't know either.. and why should I feel like I know.. if he doesn't.. how would that really make me feel?

But six months is a long time to not really know..

And waiting another six months is waiting a whole year for someone to figure out what they want and how they feel.. and do I really want to subject myself to that?

Ugh.. why did this all just take a turn for the scary??!

Yawn.. yawn.. yawn..

I think I need to lie down and take another rest. A nap would sound really good right now. But I want to do homework. Ugh.. and I forgot that I have laundry to take care of.. ugh..

Ever feel that there is never enough time to get all the stuff you need to do.. done?

Ever feel like you wish there were eight days a week instead of seven.. or 25 hours in a day.. instead of 24..

Could you imagine how much more work would be done if there was one extra hour.. or just one extra day..

Could you imagine???

It makes me ill..

I got sick.

I don't know if it's all the work from this year's cursillo weekend that wore me down.. and then I got a flu shot.. and now.. I'm all fever-ish..

I'm taking another day off this week.. ugh.. I took Monday off to rest from the Cursillo weekend.. and now I'm taking tomorrow of to rest because I am sick.. I've been battling a high fever and my head feels like it's going to explode.. it also hurts to move because my body is so achy.

Flu?

Boo.

I shouldn't have gotten my flu shot then.. I guess..




Minus the large hat... this is how I feel right now..

Prioritize..

I am finding myself less and less happy with my workplace situation.

Let me preface this by saying.. I LOVE MY JOB. I love the work I do. I am in the bacteriology department of a veterinary diagnostics lab. I love the work. It's exactly everything I enjoyed when I was in school and what I had always dreamed myself doing after I graduated.

My supervisor believes in my work. The lab director believes in my work.

It's the rest of the people in my department.. my peers.. that seem to leave me feeling rather unappreciated and unimportant.

The constantly find ways to try to make me look bad in front of my supervisor.. telling her things that I am not the only one guilty of doing.. exaggerating things that I seem to be doing..

Luckily.. my supervisor has been able to see through all this and has seemed to take my side for a lot of these occurances. It got so bad at one point I actually started crying in front of my supervisor.

I am constantly left out of things.. and they all seem to treat me as if I am a level below them.. even the lab assistant.. which I am ranked higher than.. treats me as if I am below her..

I love where I work.. but the situation with these people make me really consider looking for another job.

I've talked to my supervisor about this and nothing seems to change.. what should I do?

You can call me selfish..

Or just over-protective of my work..

I don't like when people invade my workspace.

I don't like when people criticize my work area. It's not sloppy. It's spread out.. I take a lot of room.. maybe cuz I need certain areas to represent certain parts to what I am doing.

Don't question my area. It gets done.. the work gets done.

Don't sit there and pretend you are so much better than me because you feel your workspace is more managable than mine. I get just as much work done as everyone else.

Ugh.. sometimes I feel like I really don't belong in this facility.. that the people and I don't mesh well..

But I love the work.. I love what I am doing here.. and it should be enough to keep me here.. but sometimes.. I just don't know.

There's a song..

Sometimes.. there's a song that will just totally bury you inside of it.. and you just want it to cover every bit of your being.. you want to live it.. love it.. and embrace it as your own.. you wish to identify with every word.. every note.. every turn in the melody..

This song.. this song written by Scott Alan.. called "The Journey.." is definitely one of them..

It seems to be the quintessential wedding song.. and I pray that one day.. I will be able to use it.. sing it.. have it represent the love I have found with my husband.. and the life that we will share for the rest of our lives.. and hold sacred the vows we make in front of God and our family and friends..

Gosh.. this song.. is.. amazing!

THE JOURNEY

Josh

I could stay in this forever
Enfold you nightly in my arms
Sing you lullaby’s whenever
I’ll give to you all that I can

You will never have to worry ‘bout the future
I will make sure everyday that I provide
I will hold you through the night
Until the sky turns light
The journey now begins, with you and I

Jill

The love we created has exceeded
Any measurements I’ve ever known
Brought joy to me, when it was needed
It’s nice to know I’m not alone

I will make sure you are reminded that I love you
I will walk miles just to hold you by my side
I’ll protect you while you sleep
Make every dream complete
The journey now begins, with you and I

Josh
I’ll treat everyday with you like it’s the beginning

Jill
I will be your strength in times when you are weak

Josh
I will never be to far away from you

Josh and Jill
There is nothing I won’t do

Josh
You will never have to worry ‘bout the future

Jill
I’ll make sure you are reminded that I love you

Josh
I will make sure everyday that I provide

Jill
I’ll walk miles just to hold you by my side

Josh
I will hold you through the storms

Josh
Anything to keep you warm

Josh and Jill
The journey now begins, with you and I
You and I

It's a duet sung by Josh Strickland and some girl named Jill.. I can't remember the last name.. that's why their names are there..

I can sink into this song.. and listen to it for an eternity...

Pace yourself..

My friend just told me she feels that this week is progressing rather slowly..

I told her that it felt like it's zoomed by and I have not gotten anything done for class!

She says that my boyfriend said the same thing.. that this week was zooming by fast.

Hahah.. him and I haven't really discussed the pace of the week lately.. so.. I guess we're on the same page..

School makes time fly by.. can you believe I'm already on week four for this current class.. it seems like yesterday that I was barely starting up again.. sheesh.. time does fly when in school..

I hope I find the time to finish all that needs to be finished and i'm not cramming on a Monday night frantic to finish..

I have been getting better at focusing and not surfing the internet as much while reading or writing.. so maybe I'll get faster at finishing the tasks at hand for class..

We could only hope!

Is it the weekend already?

It's only Tuesday!

This weekend is "the bee's" first birthday. "The bee" is my cousin's daughter. She's gonna be a year old.. man.. does time fly.. especially when it comes to kids!

Seems like only yesterday we were visiting my cousin cuz she just gave birth.. now.. that baby is going to be a year old!

I guess it's true what they say about babies.. that they grow up so fast and that you have to cherish every moment you have with them because you can never get those years back..

Then they turn into kids that give you headaches.. and you wish they were babies again..

Hunny!

October.. 6th!

Well.. this weekend was busy.. I was at my cousin's house for Friday and Saturday.. and I was helping babysit my cousin's three kids. I love those kids but they are a handful! Seven, four, and three years old... they'd drive anyone nuts.. but at the end of the day.. I miss them.. especially when they get sleepy and then they are all cuddly and "angelic.."

I know.. the picture has NOTHING to do with today's topic.. but I just thought it'd be fun to put pictures in my postings again..

That was from the last time I was at Disneyland.. I think it was the first weekend of September.. I went for my birthday and for my godson's birthday.. that was fun.. again.. the same three kids.. the same three handfuls.. but I love them.. and I guess that's the true meaning of unconditional love...

Hmmm.. I guess it's a "training course" for whenever.. if ever.. I have children of my own..

Our thoughtful spot..

It's October.. time to start financially preparing for christmas and kiddie's birthdays.. because they all seem to come around at once.. craziness..

This year has definitely been a blur.. but a fun blur.. opening another chapter in my life.. and closing so much and leaving that behind..

Well.. I guess I better get back to reading my chapters for class..

I'm starting to believe that this "business thing" is not for me.. but it's kinda too late to turn back now.. I've got at least 4 classes under my belt.. and that means I have about seven more.. so why quit now.. it'll be a financial burden.. but I know I can handle it.. when the time comes.. I just hope that this does work out for the best in the end.. cuz right now.. I'm thinking that I'd rather be a lab rat.. than a business person..

OH well..

The ladies..

Just wanted to post a picture of my best friends and I from my birthday party on Saturday. I have a new hair cut.. it's short.. unexpectedly short.. but I love it nonetheless..

Enjoy!

Tired is as tired does..

I am tired.. I'm always tired.. hahah..

Well.. it's back to reality after my pretty whirlwind birthday weekend. I gotta tell you.. celebrating the birthday is sooo much better than lamenting the birthday..

Why did I spend so many years avoiding my birthday?! LOL..

Well.. next year is the big 3-0.. minus 1.. haha.. I got that idea from my coworker.. he was all.. "how was your big 3-0.. minus 2?!" I told him I'm sooo using that as my thing for next year's birthday.

Now I gotta start thinking about the holiday season and who and what I am going to get for everyone and what's going to go on.. I decided not to do the ACT thing with my friends this year.. because it's in a farther facility.. and it's still $100 which I am trying to save money for upcoming student loans I will start paying back in 2010.. and I don't wanna find myself in a financial bind over it.. so I start now.. and who knows what kinda things will come up..

I look back at my life.. this past year.. and I can see how much I have changed.. how much more positive I am about everything..

How I have finally learned to "let go.. and let God" in my life.. how.. I can find happiness despite everything seeming so negative at times..

I know that life is always going to be an uphill climb.. but I know that once I get to my destination.. I'll be able to look down on it all.. and it will all be so amazing!

Here we are.. doomsday?!

Well.. it's my birthday and despite the fact that I am sitting here at work.. it's actually been great so far...

Went to dinner with the family and "the boyfriend" came out just in time to have dinner.. and the whole fam went to go watch that new movie "Eagle Eye."

It's actually an ok movie.. and it makes me think twice about how much stuff I reveal about myself on the internet.. lol.. scary thought.. watch the movie and you'll see why..

Then I went home and opened the gift that Joe got me... a Wii Fit.. which is perfect because I had been wanting it for sometime now.. so I ended up staying up til 2am playing and stuff..

Now.. I'm at work..

Which shouldn't be that hard.. if I just get off the computer and get some work done! hahaha!

Happy Birthday to me.. and I hope to have loads of fun tonight!

Tomorrow.. you're only a day away..

Today is my last day of twenty seven.. tomorrow starts the first day of twenty eight.

Exciting.

I start off the day at work.

What a way to spend a saturday birthday.

I'm definitely not complaining. I took yesterday off cuz I was.. and kinda still am.. sick.. so working on Saturday makes up for it a little bit. Can't complain.

Gonna eat a lot these next few days... dun.. dun.. dun..

Hope to have lotsa pictures when the weekend's over!

Now you know that's cute!

You give your hand to me..

One day at a time.. I guess that's just how I'm going to deal with it.. I mean.. I've said it before.. maybe on another blog.. but I'll have to say it again..

I'm know he's here today.. happy he was here yesterday.. and I pray he'll be here tomorrow..

I shouldn't think about it anymore.. but I wasn't kidding when I told him that this will now loom over us omniously until we figure out what to do..

The things I know is that he makes me happy.. takes care of me like no other guy has really ever done.. and I can honestly say that is the truth.. I know that I will be hurt if we decide that we shouldn't continue..

But I shouldn't think about it.. I should just be happy about the present.. and not think so much about the future.. but he's like me.. always thinking ahead..

I used to get told about that.. other guys hated that i always thought ahead.. and always thought of the worst case scenario.. now he does the same thing.. and I'm trying to just think about the present and be happy about the present.. cuz right now.. this is all we have..

The present is all we have.. to touch.. to feel.. to experience.. the future will come but no one knows what it is going to bring.. so we have to deal with the now.. and trust that the future will come and give us something to look forward to..

So.. from this point on.. tho' I worry.. and tho' I think.. I have to remind myself that there really is..

No day but today..

Sheesh.. I knew that making RENT one of my favorite musicals of all time would pay off eventually..

The buzzkill..

Well.. it's happened..

He and I had "the talk.." and that could never be good.

I mean.. we both kinda knew what we were getting into when we first started this.. long distance.. limited time.. ultimately.. we either make.. or break.. when the time came.. if we "make" then one of us or both of us.. pretty much has to uproot their lives for the sake of the relationship.. if neither of us are really willing.. then.. we have no choice but to "break".. right?

Five months..

I guess it's sorta early to really expect one of us to be willing to uproot for the other..

But still..

Scary thought to think I may actually lose this guy in the end..

I really don't want to. I may have said that about pretty much every single guy I've been with.. don't we all?

I want to say he's different from all the other guys.. but I say that all the time too..

I will say this..

At this point in my life.. I know he is who I want to be with.. whether it be for the long term or the short term.. I know I want to be with him.. no one else.. and that's that. It scares me to think he could just be another one to add to my list of failed relationships.. but if that's the way it's gonna be.. do I really have any other choice?

I just pray that everything will turn out the way it's supposed to.. that we find our answers.. and that i might hopefully find the "happily ever after" i have always been searching for.. whether it be with him.. or anyone else..

Pray.

The Lord definitely provides..

Last weekend, the Men's Cursillo class only had about 11 candidates for the weekend.. just a few candidates short of the usual goal that we need to have the weekend.. but we were going to have it anyway..

Today.. there will be about 16 candidates experiencing and living out their Cursillo weekend.

The Lord definitely does not disappoint. He may keep us on our toes, but he definitely provides.. always.

Praying for a successful Cursillo weekend and may all those that are helping provide the candidates with an experience they may cherish for their lifetime.

Ten days..

Let the countdown begin.. ten days until I turn 28.

I'm not bitter.. I'm actually kind of excited. This is the first time in many, many years that I am actually going to celebrate.. with friends..

It's my countdown to 30 party.. celebrating the last few years of my twenties..

It'll be fun to celebrate it with the friends that I cherish most in life.. and the boyfriend whom I hope will someday be someone I can look back at smile upon...

It helped a lot that my actual birthday fell on a Saturday this year.. it was more motivation.. I mean.. how often does one's birthday fall on a weekend.. why waste a good weekend night?

Right?

I hope you had the time of your life..

San Diego came and went and now I'm back home with pictures and memories to last a lifetime.

We all had fun.. the family.. the signficant others..

The weather was good.. and I got a little sun burnt but it's nothing to cry over..

I am still kind of tired and in "vacation mode" but I'm quickly snapping out of that with all that I have to do here at work today.. it's kinda hard to stay lazy when there are a million things sitting on my deck waiting to get done.

I am kind of hungry so I'm thinking of an early lunch. I fell asleep the minute I got home yesterday.. I only intended to stay in bed for a little bit, but ended up staying asleep til pretty much this morning.

It felt good to get all those hours of sleep.. but it meant that I ended up skipping dinner last night.. oops..

I'm paying for it now cuz I am starving.

I think I'll try to post some pictures up here like I used to of the various memories I made this past weekend.. hopefully I don't get lazy or anything.. hahaha.. I can't help it.. another class is starting up again.. and so.. my time will be occupied by reading and paper writing again.. boo..

All that glitters is gold..

The day is dragging.. on and on and on..

I want it to be five o'clock already.

I feel like a kid that is anxiously anticipating the hours til they get to go to disneyland.. i remember being like that.

I remember being like that commercial where the kids are lying in bed wide awake cuz they are too excited to sleep. That was me.. then.. and now.

I guess the day isn't really draggin on as slow as I'm letting on. It's moving.. just not fast enough.. that's all.

I get to see "boy" after two weeks of not seeing him. I was watching "A Walk To Remember" last night and for some reason it really, really, really made me miss him. Its not like he's absolutely perfect like the lead male character.. I don't know.. I just missed him after watching it.

That's all.. nothing profound behind it.. I just did.

Maybe I should have asked for a shorter day. Nah.. I don't want to lose any hours because we are so short-handed here in the lab.

I guess I gotta do what I gotta do..

San Diego.. here we come.. well.. tomorrow!

So.. the fam vacation starts tomorrow..

And to clarify for some people that may be reading this..

I had scheduled this weekend a few months ago.. totally forgetting that "boy" was going to be out of town with his friends. When he found out, he kind of whined at me for scheduling it for that particular weekend.. but what could I do.. that was the only available weekend I had...

He had every intention of still going on that trip.. until about two weeks ago.. when he started having second thoughts..

Up until this past Monday.. he was undecided and I had put it in my head that he was going to Vegas.. until he told me he was staying..

I don't know if that really means anything.. i am glad he's gonna be there.. so I'll just leave it at that!

Conversations..

It's amusing.. the kinds of conversations you can have with a person.

Take for instance.. the "significant other.."

Topic of conversation: bedtime.

I don't know how or why it got started.. it just did.. he's saying that he wouldn't mind being the kind of couple that would turn in at 9pm. I mean.. really?

He's only two years older than me.. why is he acting like that?

I guess I wouldn't mind an earlier bedtime, I mean.. that means more sleep and more refreshed feeling in the morning..

But honestly.. that would only work if there were no kids in the picture.. at least no babies..

That would be sooo unfair if he'd continue to go to bed at 9pm while I have to tend to a child with changing sleep patterns..

Well.. that's too much "future" thinking..

But sheesh.. I'm from a family who's bedtimes range from 11ish pm to 1ish am.. we arent early sleepers.. we are early risers.. but not by choice.. we like to sleep in..

He's just silly..

Tho' many times..

I am bored at work. I currently have nothing to do until someone does something to give me some samples and then I can get to work.

As for now, I am trying to walk around and looking busy because I hate being idle at work.

I work in a lab and there should always be something for me to do.

Today is just one of those rare days.

This weekend is the family trip to San Diego. My boyfriend lives in San Diego. I had accidentally scheduled this trip to occur with he would be out of town with some guy friends of his.

Apparently, he's deciding not to go on that trip and spending the weekend with me and family.

I know I shouldn't be blogging it because I don't want to jinx it, but those are the plans so far. I won't be ecstatically happy until I actually see him that weekend. As of now, anything goes and he could suddenly be talked into going on that trip and then I'm left without a partner cuz my brother is bringing his girlfriend and the my parents have each other.

Well..

If he does spend the weekend with me and the fam over his friends in Vegas.. that kinda says a lot.. doesn't it?

Sleep.. sleep.. sleep..

I would love to be asleep right now.

I'm finishing up one last chapter before I can do so. I just need a brain break.

It's my last week of this class. I get a week off. I cherish these weeks off. The six week classes go by soo quickly. I can't believe it. It seems like I was JUST complaining about this class during week one. Now I'm almost done.

I think after this I have eight more classes.

It's faster than I thought. I think I can survive this.

It's not so bad when I think of it in that sense.

Hmm..

Welcome to September..

We have now entered my "birthday month.."

September.. a whole month of birthday fun.. haha.. I wish.

My birthday is towards the end of September and looking at my calendar.. the whole month is pretty booked. I can't believe how fast time is going.

Twenty-eight.

On the twenty-seventh.

That's it folks.. we're counting down my 20s.. gonna party into my 30s..

I gotta make the most of this.. you only have your 20s once in your life!

Everybody wants to live happily ever after..

And well.. I'm no exception..

Haha.. had the wierdest dream last night.. er.. the other night.. I'm not quite sure which night.. but I know it was a recent dream.

I was on one end of a football field. It kind of looked like FoHi's football field.. maybe because that's the only football field I've been on.. with the exception of our own high schools.. but that was more like a vast field.. with no stadium seats or anything..

Ugh.. I digress.

Anyway.. and Joe.. the boyfriend.. was on the fifty yard line.. I was part of a game show.. hosted by two of my friends.. and the guy asked the easy questions.. and the girl asked the hard questions. I had to flip a coin to determine which one of them would ask me the question.

For each question I got right.. Joe came closer to me. For every question I got wrong.. he moved away.. and if he hit the end of the field.. he was to walk away from my life.. FOREVER..

Sad!

Anyway.. it seemed ok at first.. I was getting asked by both people and I'd get some right.. some wrong... Joe stayed at around the fifty yard line..

Then.. suddenly.. i was getting questions from the girl.. one after the other and I would watch him get farther and father and farther away from me.. and I could hear him yelling out for me.. but he was getting so far away that we couldn't make out what he was saying anymore..

Then.. somehow.. I found out that the girl switched out the coins and that she rigged it so that she would be asking the questions all the time.. and he was going to eventually walk out of my life..

When I started to get out of my podium to do something.. my alarm goes off.. so I don't know how the dream would have ended..

Hmm..

Dreams are interpretations of the subconscious..

I wonder what my subconscious is so worried about..

Having some fun..

Let's try something..

My birthday is exactly a month away.. and I realized that I really haven't done anything new in a long time.

So.. I'm thinking.. it's time step out of my comfort zone and do something completely out of my personality.

My boyfriend (yes.. he's officially my boyfriend now..) says I should do golf... haha.. that's only cuz he plays golf.. and I'm sure he'd like to get me into it too.. but ya.. um.. let's start with something else..

Hmm.. I got this out-of-the-way notion to go on some sort of hike.. get in tune of nature.. to get in tune with the natural gifts that God has graced us with.. God graced all of us with the beauty of the world.. and I just want to see if I can be a part of that.. outside the realm of shopping malls and amusement parks and man-made luxuries..

The whole world is out there.. and I am opening doors.. and answering the calls that are sent to me..

I just want to see if i can handle the exposure to it al..

Everyone knows I'm the complete opposite of "outdoorsy"

I'm getting older.. let's try being "outdoorsy.." even if just once more..

<3

One of the greatest weekends I've had in awhile.

Gosh.. that boy really knows how to make me smile.

It's getting harder and harder to breathe..

All that strength.. crumbles.. instantaneous.

I refuse to let it get to me. I refuse to let all the months of strength and rebuilding my life into something I can be proud of.. crumble in a matter of minutes.

I'm allowed my moments of weakness.. but that's all that they will be.. just moments.. not lifetimes.

I don't want to be insecure. I don't want this to be the driving force that will take away all the happiness I've tried so hard to attain and retain.

I shouldn't be needy. I shouldn't have to be needy. Neediness will just make him think that I am weak and that I can't handle things on my own.. when I know I can.

I know I just need him right now. I just need him to be here, but it's hard when being "here" is an hour and a half away from him. But I refuse to be that needy girl that needs to be comforted all the time.

I have to be strong because I have no choice. I have to be strong because I don't want him to find me weak. I spent the good portion of our beginning showing him how strong I really am. I refuse to contradict all that with one or two bad incidents tearing me down.

I don't know how to approach this.. I don't know where the line stands between strength and weakness..

Some kind words.. thoughts.. advice.. that would be really nice right now..

Zoom!

Wow.. I usually complain about how slow the week is going.. but today.. I'm going to have to complain about how FAST the week is flying by.

I really need it to slow down.

I'm going to be in San Diego this weekend to spend some time with the guy that I am seeing and the last thing I wanted to do was bring homework with me. My goal was to finish my paper and some discussion questions by Thursday night. If I had to, I would have done some last minute things on Friday before I left.

Looks like I may have to bring some stuff out with me this weekend.

Sad.

But I guess I gotta do what I gotta do!

All the world is a stage..

And everyone has their part..

It's all been written...

Do we really have a "choice"?

Or are our "choices" already decided for us..

Philosophical.. I know..

All I long for.. I have found by the water..

It's too quiet.. there are some ppl at work that are at a workshop.. leaving me and someone else.. all by our lonesome in the lab.. it's way too quiet..

My thoughts have gotten very loud to make up for the lack of background noise.

My mind wanders aimlessly and I am psyching myself out for no apparent reason. Well.. I have plenty of reason.. but I refuse to let those thoughts and possibilities get to me at the moment.. I refuse..

There is also a song stuck in my head.. from church.. and well.. maybe it's trying to tell me something..

Lord, You Have Come
1. Lord, you have come to the seashore,
neither searching for the rich nor the wise,
desiring only that I should follow.

Refrain
O, Lord, with your eyes set upon me,
gently smiling, you have spoken my name;
all I longed for I have found by the water,
at your side, I will seek other shores.

2. Lord, see my goods, my possessions;
in my boat you find no power, no wealth.
Will you accept, then, my nets and labor?

3. Lord, take my hands and direct them.
Help me spend myself in seeking the lost,
returning love for the love you gave me.

4. Lord, as I drift on the waters,
be the resting place of my restless heart,
my life's companion, my friend and refuge.

Not crying over spilt milk..

I spilled my lunch milk in my car today.. and no.. I didn't cry.

I was annoyed.. and angry.. and frustrated.. but I didn't cry. Then I realized.. why am I getting worked up over this... clean it up.. and I get to have a yummy lunch instead of "diet lunch.."

And I did.. beef udon.. mmm..

It's 100 degrees outside today.. and i'm having Japanese soup..

My friend told me that it's never too hot for ME to have soup.. that's cuz I love soups.. of all forms and flavors.. I'm a soup person and I can eat soup all the time if I could.. hahah..

So.. If life spills your milk.. go get japanese food instead!

The case of the Mondays..

My tummy feels icky.. my head is pounding.. I overslept this morning.. and the door is still locked to the PCR room at work..

It's Monday..

Can't you feel the "monday blues" in the air?

I don't remember the last time I complained about a Monday.. but it sure feels like a good day to do so now..

Oh geez.. I even have a stiff neck!

Oh well.. what can you do.. can't turn back time.. can't change things.. gotta just roll with it.. and hope for the best..

Let's just hope that tomorrow will be a better day..

Dun.. dun.. da.. da.. da.. da..

Love songs have new meaning..

Not in the whole "wide-eyed.. bushy-tailed" way.. I mean.. there are more senitmental meanings to love songs..

But I don't know if it's "love.."

We'll just leave it at that..

I went to go visit an old friend who just had a baby two weeks ago.. she's doing well.. and so is the little darling girl.. It's amazing to see all these girls that I practically grew up with.. being mothers.. it was wierd enough watching them all get married.. it wasn't wierd in a bad way.. wierd in an amazing way.. that way that really hits home.. saying "we're grown ups.. now.."

Now.. most of them have entered motherhood.. and I couldn't be more happier.. I love babies and to be able to have these little babies around me.. and being able to give them back when they get out of hand... that's like.. the dream! Hahaha..

In reality.. I'd love to have one of my own.. and I pray that it will happen.. sooner than later.. but I'm willing to wait because I trust God has his plan for me.

I just know that when I do have a child.. I plan on being an amazing mother.. and super wife..

But I know I'll definitely miss my sleep.. yawn.. I'm sleepy now!

It's crazy..

Feelings..

Feeling things..

Emotions..

What makes you fall for someone.. and what makes you not fall for someone else?

Say.. for example.. two people treat you the same way.. they both take care of you.. they both like you.. they both respect you.. what makes you fall for one.. and not the other.. what makes you feel things for one.. and feeling differently about the other?

What attracts two people to each other? What attracts two perfect strangers to each other? What makes two complete strangers "click" upon their first meeting? What makes someone want to get to know another person? What makes a person.. that never used to be the one to "call first".. call that other person first? What makes a person do things completely different than he or she used to in regards to relationships?

What makes a person trust their current partner.. when they could barely trust their former partners?

What makes things "different"??

What makes people love each other?

How do you know you love someone? How do you know you are falling in love with someone.. especially since all the other times you've "fallen in love" it all fell apart? How do you know you are right this time? What if you're wrong again?

What makes a person fall in love with someone.. and is it the same thing that can make a person fall OUT of love with someone?

If you fall out of love.. were you really in love in the first place?

So many questions.. so many feelings.. so many thoughts.. racing through my head.. shouldn't this just be easy.. why is it soo hard this time around?!?

Cleansed..

Well.. I'm sitting here and I should be doing homework..

When I got rid of the dress.. I never thought that I would have so many emotions going through me. I wanted to cry.. I wanted to laugh.. I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief.. I wanted to take it back and run home..

I know that getting rid of it was the best thing i could do. I knew that getting rid of it was something I had to do. I needed to cleanse myself of that old part of me. I needed to finally let go of that part of me. I don't know why I was holding on to that part for so long.. but I guess I was.

The brightside is that I have more room in my closet now. And that totally got me over the wierd emotions I was going through..

Now.. let's hope I get another chance to buy another dress.. not anytime soon.. but hopefully in the near future..

Going.. going.. gone!

Today is the day I get full closure. Mark this date.. July 29th, 2008. Today.. a chapter of my life will finally close.. and I can begin a whole new book.. one without any markings of this past..

Now you may wonder what the heck I'm talking about.. well.. I'll tell you.

Today.. I'm finally going to give away that wedding dress that has been sitting in my closet since 2006. I was supposed to get married.. remember. Little did anyone know.. but I had the dress.. I made him swear that we were going to go through with the wedding and he said yes.. and we both thought that's what we wanted.. so I bought it..

And it sat.. and sat.. and sat.. in my closet..

Through postponements.. break ups.. make ups.. cancellations.. drama.. drama.. drama.. it sat there.. waiting to be used.

Well.. I hope it will be used.. it just won't be by me. I wish who ever will end up with it a lifetime of love and happiness.. the lifetime i thought i was going to have.. but didn't.. a lifetime I still pray to have and will always patiently wait for God to give me..

I'm sad.. I know this is finally admitting to the fact that I have had a failed engagement.. and even though I know that the end of that part of my life was so much more a blessing than anything.. i can't help but be sad..

And scared..

My judgement of who could be "the one" is off.. way off.. and who knows who it could be.. and what if I'm wrong again.. or what if I let "the one" pass me by.. or all those possible "what-ifs.."

I will be freed from the chains of my past relationship.. finally.. it's bittersweet.. but at the same time.. relieving..

Yet another rousing episode..

I'm tired..

So this week has definitely been one for the books..

I spent two days at UC Davis.. visiting one of the branch labs of our laboratory system.. I was there to learn stuff from them.. it was first time in my life that I have actually traveled by plane by myself. It felt like such an accomplishment. I've never been on a plane by myself.. let alone spent a night in a hotel by myself.. or meandered around a strange city all by myself..

And I did!

I know that most people have done it before.. but I bet they can remember how accomplished they were when they did it for the first time.. and so now.. i'm ready to just up and go where ever and when ever I please.. I can do it by myself too.. it's fine.. i'm not scared anymore..

I was terrifed..

So.. I'm finally feeling the effects of the week.. and I'm exhausted.

I'm going to sleep.

Terms of endearment..

Baby.. babe.. hunny.. sweetie.. sweetheart.. darling..

I don't know what it is.. well.. I used to be able to throw around terms of endearment with all the other guys I've dated.. "babe" and "baby" come to mind. I used them a lot.

This time.. I don't know.. I don't know why the terms of endearment are few and far between.. I mean.. he throws them around every so often.. and it's cute.. I like it.. it makes me feel all special and stuff.. but it's not an overkill of usage.

I guess that's why I dont throw it around as often either..

I guess I tend to adapt to whatever the guy is like..

My ex was very clingy.. in turn.. I became very clingy.. even though I'm a person that loves her free time and space.. I found myself becoming very clingy in that relationship..

This guy likes freedom and space.. perfect for me because I love the same thing.. it's like.. this is the relationship that I seemed to not have to adjust myself to so much.. I don't have to adjust my ways to match his.. because is some senses.. his ways.. are already my ways..

I don't want to put too much thought into it..

Three months is too soon to assume anything.. especially in the damaged and jaded state i'm in..

I wish it were different and that I can be more optimistic and hopeful in relationships.. but I think I've been too messed up by past experiences that I just can't see myself doing that right now.. maybe in time.. I'll learn to give into relationships again.. but I just need some time..

700th post.. and all I do is a video..

Maturity takes over.. for now..

Well.. I've decided to NOT get the Blackberry.

I honestly don't need it.. I just want it.

I have to learn that I can't have everything that I want.  I mean..  I already know that I can't have everything I want.. look at how my life has been so far.. I should be an expert on knowing that I can't get what I want.

But I think that I compensate by buying whatever I want.

Not this time.  I need to save money and be wiser with money because I do have student loans coming.. eventually.. that I need to pay off.. and the more money I save.. the more I can just throw into the loan and get it paid off so much faster..

Then it's back to buying whatever I want..

Unless I get married by then.. haha.. 

Who knows.. the future is bright and full of blessings.. 

To buy.. or not to buy.. that IS the question..

Reasons to NOT get a Blackberry Curve:
- I'm not a business person.. I'm a lab rat..
- I have NO obvious reason to be THAT connected to my email..
- It's wider than my current phone.. can't put it in my pocket..
- It's difficult to type "one-handed" with it.. or is it?!?!
- Do I really need to be "connected online" all the time?!?!?
- What exact purpose do I need this Blackberry for?!?!
- Phone nazi's... 'nuff said..
- What sort of "technological advantage" it is gonna give me?!?!
- Do I NEED it more than I WANT it?!?!?
- Something better might come a couple months later..

Reasons to get a Blackberry Curve:
- A super deal.. $50 after rebate..
- It's cute..
- It's really cute..
- It's pretty sexy looking..
- It's a Blackberry..
- I've always wanted a Blackberry..
- Can't let a good deal pass like that.. can I?!?!
- I'll always be connected..
- I can send emails..
- I can send emails at work.. during lunch and breaks..
- It's DAMN CUTE!
- Takes better pictures than my current phone..
- $30/mo gives me unlimited email and web browsing..
- Sound quality is better..
- Great f*ckin' deal I can't pass up!

Ugh.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do..

Advice?!?! Anyone?????

Delirious..

This week has definitely been a weird one..

I've been on a doctor's work order to not come in until next week.  The hives have gotten to be too much and I've been on allergy pills that make me sooo groggy and sleepy.  But I've been learning to fight the sleepiness because I will never get anything done otherwise.

But I think I've been fighting it off so much that today I'm reaching a breaking point.. and I'm officially delirious.. 

It's hard to focus.. but I really need to fight this... my head is so heavy.. but I'm actually giddier than I have been these past few days.. 

Delirious.. but happy.. deliriously happy.. i don't know why.. maybe it's the drugs.. maybe it's just all the things I've been going through have just given me perspective.. I don't know.. I just am..

But I need to sleep.. hahaha.. I need to shut my eyes and get rid of my "zombie" mode..

Too bad I have homework.. 

Bruises fade..

Sigh.. 

I'm still battling this cold.. actually.. the cold is going away.. it's been replaced with hives.. all.. over.. my.. body.. ugh..

I think that the massive itchy feeling is so much worse than any cold.. seriously..

But this is not what we are going to talk about today.. 

Let's talk about how the boy in my life has pretty much made me a happy camper.. despite the crazy itchy feeling.. which I'm being treated for now.. so I should be getting better soon.. thank God.

Anyway..

I don't know how to start this.. I really don't.. so lets ramble on for a bit and hopefully I find some direction.. 

He had chocolate covered strawberries delivered to me today.. to help me feel better.. took me totally by surprise.. something I have never experienced with any guy I have ever been with before.. something I am not used to.. I think that this has been bumped up to the "most romantic thing a guy has done for me category.."

I'm happy.. gosh.. I feel like a giddy high school girl that got a balloon gram from her boyfriend.. haha.. he makes me happy.. something that I've had a hard time admitting to myself.. 

I like him.. a lot.. a whole lot..

It's great.. but I'm terrified.. 

The greatest lyrics I ever heard..

Anyone who can touch you

Can hurt you or heal you

Anyone who can reach you

Can love you or leave you

It's from a song by Natasha Bedingfield.  The song is called "I Bruise Easily.."

The whole song is basically something I can relate to, but I think this stanza is something that I really relate to the most.  

It's so very true.. in my opinion.. 

Oh man.. oh man..

I took half of yesterday and all of today off. 

I'm sick.

My throat hurts, my sinuses are congested, and my head is about to explode.  

But.. I have to go to work tomorrow.  

I slept as much as I could today.  Didn't help that I was woken this morning by text messages from my best friend and the guy I'm dating.. my "edp.. exlusive dating partner.."  Then, when I tried to take a nap.. I was woken up again by text from him.. I don't mind.. I like hearing from him.. but I'm sick.. so.. ya.. 

My friend said that it was because I have been overworking myself lately.. which is true.  I have been so busy with school and work and church that it's starting to take it's toll on me.. I know I have to slow down.. but I am just not at a good "slowing down point" in my life..

I know that I will hit it eventually.. I will slow down.. settle.. and have a family of my own.. hopefully that will slow me down.. 

Well.. having a family of my own won't necessarily slow me down.. I know I'll just as busy.. but in a different way.. and I look forward to that.. 

But for now.. tho' I wear myself out so thin that getting sick is the only way to slow me down.. I like my life.. it will have to take something pretty special to slow me and settle me.. and I secretly hope that this something special is already in my life somehow.. 

Who knows... 

Prayers.. 

The weight on my chest..

I refuse to let my past haunt my present.. and my future.

I mean.. I made mistakes.. I made bad judgements.  We all have.. right?

I may not have been the best person before.  But I sure as heck want to be the best person I can be now.  I made the decision that I wasn't going to play those games anymore.  I'm looking for different things in life and I know I can change myself for the better.  I've been doing a good job of that so far.

I refuse to screw this up.  

He's concerned that my past will leak into our present.. possibly affecting a future.. 

He has to be wrong.  It's up to me whether I will allow those things to come up again or not.. and I will NOT let them come up.  That's just not what I want in life anymore.  I am a different person with different goals.. and different ways to get them.

This shouldn't bother me.. but it does.  We had this conversation just about an hour ago.. 

I guess he has a right to kinda know what he's getting into by learning about some of my past.. but he also said that as long as things don't leak into the future.. then he's ok with it.. but the thing is.. he's doubting that it could really be part of my past.. he's doubting whether or not I can keep it in my past.. 

I can.  I know I can.. 

I'm scared that my stupid mistakes are going to affect how he deals with me and how far this is going to go.  I want this to possibly something long-term.  I can see it going there if things continue to be the way they are.  He's a nice guy and I like him.  I don't want to screw it up by things I've done BEFORE I met him.. you know?

I'm not a bad person.. but I also know that I really haven't been a great person.. 

I was a flirt.. I was highly flirtatious.. I was known for that for the longest time.. not that I followed through with a lot of the flirtatious banter.. but I did a lot of "talk.."  And yes.. I still am friends with a lot of the guys I had these flirtatious relationships with.. but friendships evolve and most of my guy friends know that when I'm exclusively seeing someone.. they back off.. and they don't say anything and they know that I won't say anything to screw anything up with the person I'm seeing.. 

But things are different.. I'm at a different part of my life right now.. can he see that?  Will he be able to see that?  Or will he always see that part of me and always be concerned that it will possibly come back and bite us in the ass??

I'm different now.. and I hope that he can see that.. how am I going to prove myself? 

I guess.. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing.. I can be the best person I can be.. and then some.. I know I can.. I just pray he can see that too.. 

Pictures..

My brother's graduation.. and there are pictures of me and "the new boy.."

Enjoy!

At least it's the first day of the rest of my life..

I'm not bitter.. I never really was.. it's just that there are certain things in life that irk me.. and for some reason.. "this" does..

I don't know why I just feel so "shot in the gut" when I come across things like that.. you know..

I know it's a part of my past.. it will always be part of my past.. but if he was trying to get to me.. then.. it's not working in the sense that he thinks it is..

I know what I have now.. and I really enjoy what I have now.. it's completely different that was he could have ever given me.. and I thank God everyday that I have what I have now and that God showed me how things could really be with someone else.. someone better..

It bothers me because it just seems so fake.. like he's trying to hard to show me up..

It angers me cuz he is flaunting something to prove a point.. and I know that he may never admit to that.. but I know that's what he's doing..

He wants to hurt me.. it doesn't hurt me..

It irks me.. and "irking" is not necessarily "hurting" me..

You would never see me flaunt what I have now.. I am proud of it.. and I am happy because of it.. but I will never flaunt it..

I don't have to prove to anyone that I am happy.. I don't have to prove it to anyone but myself.. and who ever I'm involved with..

And definitely not to him..

Ugh.

Makes me wonder..

Sometimes I wonder why I can be soo happy about something in my life.. and then.. a sudden twist of events causes me to doubt it all..

I mean.. here I am.. totally content in the situation I am in.. happy.

Then.. I dig around and find something out that can be detrimental to my happiness..

I mean.. I don't think I should let it get to me.. but it could be big enough to really affect what I have in my life right now and If I avoid it.. I just may end up more hurt than ever..

It's like God says.. "Here you go.. enjoy.."

And then.. I do enjoy it..

But then God says.. "Oh.. wait.. there's a catch.. "

Ugh.. why must there be a catch?! I knew that this was all too good to be true.. and I don't want to see pessimistic.. but I kinda doubted that I could be 100% content in this situation.. it did seem too good to be true..

But then again.. this could be a test.. if I can handle it.. right?

What to do.. what to do..

I'm just full of insight..

I took a look at where I was one year ago today.

Blogs are great for that stuff. All you have to do is look at June 2007 and see what went on.

I know this month last year was quite significant because this was the month that turned my world upside down and topsy turvy. And it all happened in one quick night. This was the month that Justyn and I ended the engagement.. ended the relationship.. and caused my world to crumble for that moment..

But look at me now..

Can I honestly say that I regret everything that's happened?!

I can honestly say that my world.. my life.. my outlook has changed for the better..

Such a learning experience and a blessing in disguise.

I read of the hurt.. I read of my heartache.. and I know that at that time.. those feelings were genuine. But I wouldn't ever go back and change a thing.. I'd go through it again with him just to see how strong I am right now.

There are no "what ifs" or "should have be this.."

It was how it was supposed to be..

And whereever life may lead me.. I know that I will be nothing but blessed along the way.. because that's just how it's always been and will always be..

What I did for love..

Talk about the ultimate procrastination..

I went to Las Vegas on Memorial Day weekend.

I have only now unpacked from that trip.

Yes.. I know.. LAZY!

Hahahaa.. oh well.. at least now it's almost done. I also realize that I have way more clothes than I do hangers to hang them in. Uh oh. Time to get rid of some stuff. If only it were that easy. I always feel like I'm going to have a use for some article of clothing. I mean.. i would get rid of a lot of my shirts and give it away to the local Salvation Army.. but I need those shirts for work.. I can't go into the lab in a tank or tube top..

Oh well.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do..

Maybe I should stop buying clothes..

OH NO!

June.

Can you believe we are HALFWAY through 2008 already?!!?

Where is all the time going? I know I say this every year and every month, but why does it feel like it's flying soooo fast this year? I have no idea what I have gotten accomplished so far.

Well.. no.. let's take a step back and think..

I did start working on this MBA.. which seems more like a curse than a blessing at the moment.. but I know that I'm only saying this now because I am soo not in the mood to write a paper.

I've met some new people that make me happy. I ended a connection with someone that no longer made me happy.

I'm taking a chance on things in life and I'm not regretting anything so far.

I guess, with as fast as time is going, there are many blessings that are embedded in it all. Those blessings were not only for me, but for a lot of my friends and family, and for that, I know that I am blessed. When my friends and family are happy, then I am happy.

I have learned so much about myself and life and how I handle things over the past few years that I have changed so much..

I feel like I've reached this whole level of maturity.. looking back at the person I was at the beginning of the year.. I feel like I have changed so much. I don't know how or why, but I did.

Blessings.. all around.. blessings..

You dig?!?!

I feel bad..

So.. I realized that I have been blogging less and less as time goes on.

Is it a lack of "blogging material?"

No. I highly doubt it.

Is it lack of time?

It's possible.

Is it laziness?

That would have to be a majority of it.

It's that I have nothing to talk about. You all know me. i always have something to talk about. It's just that I run out of time during the day, and then when I do find time, I'm too lazy to come on here and blog it.

Oh well. I'm obviously trying to change it. I hope. I've got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of things in my mind. So I guess it's the perfect time to really start blogging again.

Like.. since I'm embarking on this new "thing." I have learned things about myself and how I interact with the opposite sex. I realized that I used to thrive on the drama. I used to think that creating drama or being in drama would show how much the guy would like me or is into me. But eventually the drama would get out of hand and I would just get sick of it all.

This time around. No drama.

I'm not even looking for it. I'm not going to create it.

Whatever happens, happens. And I will not use drama to encourage or discourage anything.

That is my vow.

Prep.. prep.. prep..

Learning idiosyncracies.. so soon.. too soon?

Or is it just easier to know it all now instead of months down the road and then having to deal with it then cuz you've pretty much accepted the dooood for what he is..

If I learn it now.. I can take it and run..

That's the way to put it.. that's the way I'm going to apply it.

It's kinda like that song from my favorite musical "The Last Five Years."

Did I just hear an alarm start ringing?
Did I see sirens go flying past?
Though I don't know what tomorrow's bringing
I've got a singular impression
Things are moving too fast

I'm gliding smooth as a figure skater
I'm riding hot as a rocket blast
I just expected it ten years later
I've got a singular impression
Things are moving too fast

And you say, "Oh, no
Step on the brakes
Do whatever it takes
But stop this train
Slow, slow! The light's turing red"
But I say: No! No!
Whatever I do
I barrel on through
And I don't complain
No matter what I try
I'm flying full speed ahead
I'm never worried to walk the wire
I won't do anything just "half-assed"
But with the stakes getting somewhat higher
I've got a singular impression things are moving too fast

Thats' just a part of the song.. the rest kinda gets into the story line, and doesn't make sense for what I'm trying to say right now. Actually.. I don't really remember what I am trying to say.. Oh well..

Life is too whirlwind for me to really pay attention to what's going on. I gotta make sure my feet stay on the ground!

There you go again..

I'm sitting here, and I should be starting on this paper, but I'm finding it hard to find the focus to get this done.

It's been happening a lot with this class. I think a lot of it has to do with what I percieve as a high disinterest coming from the professor. Seriously. He doens't engage in stimulating discussion. He doesn't provide proper feedback. He is not cool at all. But I guess it's a class and every professor is different and I just have to adjust. I only have two weeks left of this class. I shouldn't worry.

Life has defnitely interesting. I think that's another reason i'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything. Suddenly, my life is this whirlwind of friends and hanging out and social stuff. I thought that now would be a good time to go back to school because my social life was currently stagnant. Oh well.. it's kinda like Murphy's Law.. right?!

Oh well.. I gotta get back and try to figure this homework stuff out..

Blah.

Motion sickness

These past few months of my life have been an absolute rollercoaster.

If I had finally let it all get to me, I think I would have driven myself absolutely INSANE.

I think I have been doing a pretty good job distancing myself from most of it. A good safe distance to avoid getting sucked in the void that I usually get sucked into.

With all the twists and turns.. I can still say to people that I'm happy. I can still tell people that life has been nothing but ups.. and that's only because I have been ignoring the downs..

I think God likes to mess with me. I think He likes to mess with all of us. It's his way of amusing Himself. And I'm not saying all of this in a bad way, oh no.

I think He likes to do this to us to show us that we are stronger than we think we are. He does this to make sure that we don't think that we don't need Him anymore. He does this to remind us that He is in our lives, that He is always here to help us when we need it. But also, that we can get through anything, especially with His help.

I can't hate anymore. I am incapable of hating anything in my life. Knowing that everything I have and everything I experience is God-given.. I can't hate. I can't sit here and say "I hate my life..'

That's like saying "I hate God and what He's given me."

I just can't do that. I don't hate God. I love all that He has given me. All the ups and the downs, all blessings, all gifts.

But I can't help but feel a little motion sickness through these twists and turns..

So if I have one request to God.. it would be to.. soften the ride.. just a little..

I fall to pieces..

I am not used to moving THIS SLOW..

But it's also fairly nice. I'm not used to it all.. not at all.. but it's a nice change of pace.

I honestly don't think that it's going to get anywhere past this. That's probably because I'm really not used to this pace.. but I'm having fun along the way. If I get hurt, then that's just my bad for falling so fast.. like I always do.

I realize that I do fall pretty fast and pretty hard everytime. It's taking every ounce of strength that I have from stopping myself from really lettiing myself get all crazy about things this time around. I don't want to get hurt and that is helping me a lot from really allowing myself to feel things.

I know that I'm having fun. That's all that matters right now.

I'm living in a brighter world..

The ups.. the downs.. life..

Serious.

I mean.. it's a relative.. isn't it? What is my up.. could be your down.. and what is my down.. could most certainly be your up. It's all relative.

I may seem like I am having such a hard time getting through these classes, but someone else would give anything for the opportunity to go back to school. So, I shouldnt' complain.

I don't want to complain, it's just that everytime I come here to enter a blog entry, that is the only thing that comes out of my fingertips.. it seems to be the only thing on my mind.

Well.. there is more.. but I could make it rather complicated, when it's really all very simple.

If there is a person, that seems like it could potentially be a good thing.. should I go for it.. even if there is a good hour and some distance between us??!

Well??

It's what everyone says..

So.. school is supposed to be a good thing. Why is it driving me insane? I feel so pressured by deadlines and papers and questions. I feel like I will never catch up. I thought I was cool because I totally was ahead of schedule last week.. but nooo.. I feel totally behind this week and it's just not right.

I think I am definitely staying up late today.. and not just because I'll be on the phone talking to a boy or anything. I will be up late because I am determined to get things finished tonight.

No night but tonight and I really need to stay focused.

Lord, please grant me focus today when I get home so that I can study straight and not have to stay up too late. Please? Thank you!

Prayers people.. prayers!

On the outside looking in..

Why do I have to make things more complicated than they really are?

Why do I have to think more into things than I really should?

Why can't I just allow myself to go with the flow.. even though the flow may possibly flowing in the opposite direction??

Why am I psyching myself out for something when in all reality.. it's all just going to end with my heart broken.. again!?

Hindsight is 20/20. And all I keep thinking about is.. "I could really get used to this.."

That's not what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to have a good time.. and not think anything more about it..

I'm so screwed.. better hydrate up.. I'm sure the waterworks will start up once he breaks my heart..

Dream a little dream of me..

I am sleepy.

Staying up late almost every night is definitely not a good thing. School keeping me up all night is also not a good thing.

I passed my first class with an A-. I'm happy, but I know I could do better. I'd like to do better. I'm hoping to do better. Time to bust my bootay and get an A.. not just an A-.

This session's class is really large. At least twenty of us in the class and everyone is really smart. I hope that I learn a lot from these people and that they learn a lot from me.

I don't want to get bogged down and crammed with school work. My CCD class is ending soon, so I should be able to gain one more day to study on Wednesday nights for school.

Partylite has slowed down again. I did a really good party with one of my coworkers and that was great. I'm hoping to find time in June to throw more really good parties. I'm going to start hitting up my other friends soon.