OLD.. OLD.. OLD.. me? never!

Anyway.. with my birthday quickly approaching I have made the realization that I have grown up.. A LOT.. within the past few years. I can honestly say that I don't think I am the same person I was two years ago.. in almost every aspect of my life..

I mean.. I even have a different job! I go from a Lab Coordinator at a small Biotech company.. to a Senior Research Associate at a University Lab. I like it. It's been challenging and fun. Yes.. science is fun.

I think my biggest changed has been spiritually and religiously.. I know that two years ago I had re-embraced my Catholic faith, but at that point I was still what some would call a "cafeteria Catholic".. one that picked and chose what teachings I would follow and ignore the rest..

Now.. I believe that I am fully immersed in my faith and want to.. and try very hard to.. follow every teaching and am learning so many things every day.. I listen to so many Catholic podcasts and have gone to so many talks and seminars and retreats.. People look at me call me devout.. tho' my actions may look as though I am.. I still feel that I am so far from being "devout".. I feel like I have so much more I need to learn and accept fully in order to be "devout". I honestly don' t feel worthy enough for the title of "devout Catholic." I'm a "practicing Catholic.. deeply rooted in my faith.." but hardly devout..

And yes.. I do feel there is a difference..

Anyway.. So.. basically.. I don't know if this growth of mine has steered me into someone better or worse.. maybe a little bit of both. I've come to find that through the years I have let my head decide a lot of things for me.. and sometimes I really don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. I have lost so much thinking and deciding with my head.. but at the same time.. I have gained so much too..

Well.. what do you think?

It makes me look OLD?!?!

So I chopped my hair off.. it's shorter than I had anticipated. I wanted it a little BELOW the shoulders.. he cut it AT the shoulders..

A co-worker says I look older.. AHHH!

You be the judge..

Missing the 80's..

Sideways ponytails.. mullets.. the outfits.. the music.. DEBBIE GIBSON..

Ahh.. the 80's.. when life was easy!

Emotional garbage..

I'm angry. I don't know why. I have this irrational anger in me right now. I can't explain it. Justin thinks I have to have an explanation for everything. I don't. I just don't. But the more he pries the more angry I get.

I know that the one thing I need to do is go to confession. I need some absolution of the sins that are plaguing my mind and my soul. I think that would make me feel better to talk it out with a priest and to pray to God for the forgiveness and to be granted that forgiveness and absolution. I think it would help a lot.

I never used to believe in confession. A devout practicing Catholic that didn't believe in confession .. me..

But the more I learn about my faith, the more I understand that it's not necessarily telling sins to another sinner.. Jesus had appointed these specific people to do His work in the absolution of sins.. though Jesus himself.. I don't know if that make sense.. I dont' think I'm explaining it right.. I don't know.. but it makes sense when someone else explains it.. but just not me..

I've never been a good at Catholic apologetics.. tho' I really think I should try to be.. because so many people have so many misconceptions about my religion.. and so many non-practicing Catholics have so many misguided notions about the religion.. I just want to set them all straight.. not necessarily for their conversion.. I believe that to each is his own.. but I just don't want them to think certain things about the Catholic church.. I'd rather them form an opinion based on FACT than based on rumor and misinterpreted teachings...

Is this the direction my life is supposed to go??

Youth is relative..

Someone had said.. "You're 27, you're still young. You have your whole life ahead of you to find that special someone to marry."

I guess..

But coming from a family that married off all the women in their early twenties.. the latest would be about 26ish.. then.. I am old.. I'm approaching my thirties and I am as single as you can get..

If I were to find someone.. I hardly think that jumping into a marriage solely just be beat that "married before 30" deadline is a smart thing to do..

If I were to find someone.. the earliest I'd be willing to get married is 31 or 32 ish..

Then.. I might want to enjoy the married life a little bit before jumping into parenthood.. so that means my first child could possibly come along by the time i'm 33-35 years old.. depending on how easy it would be for me to concieve..

Do you realize.. no matter how advance technology is nowadays.. how much greater my chances are of having a difficult pregnancy and having a child with possible problems are at that age?!?

Ya.. that is my greatest concern...

So.. ya.. youth is relative.. I may seem pretty young to all of you.. but to me.. time is ticking.. and is being wasted..

Losing my ability to blush..

Modesty.

Modesty and community theater.

It's like mixing oil and water. I mean, how do can you be modest when you HAVE do quick changes in the wings of the theater and everyone and everyone backstage is there and you have NO choice?

The answer is.. YOU CAN'T!

How can you be modest if certain roles call for certain outfits? How can you be modest as a dancer when sometimes the dance instructor puts you in these tiny little "tinkerbell" type outfits or in little leotards and what not?

The answer is.. YOU CAN'T!

There are certain instances, especially in the hobbies I have found myself immersed in, that modesty is just not an option. Modesty can be slightly detrimental to the overall outcome of the performance.

You can't simply run into the dressing room to do a less-than-five minute quick change.. especially if the dressing room is a little farther than just stripping down in the wings..

So maybe in a sense, I have lost my ability to blush.. but it isn't because I would go around flaunting and undressing like that in any other circumstance, but it's not like I really care anymore..

Does that make me a bad person??

IT'S OVER!

High School Musical is over. I'm sad to see it go, but at the same time, I'm so glad it's over. I get some of my time back and I get to finally cut my hair and get rid of all the hair I fried cuz I had to curl it three times a week.

I am exhausted. I really need to catch up with some sleep and whatnot!

Ok.. I just thought I'd share!

Life is painless for the brainless..

I get this way EVERY year. I feel like my life is never how I wanted it to be. In all honesty, my life is not up to ME to decide anyway. But I can't help but feel like such a failure.

The one thing I had always prayed for since I was young, as young as elementary school.. was to have a husband and children. I had ALWAYS prayed that. I had always wanted that. That has been the longest dream I had ever had.. the longest "want" I have ever wanted. I always felt I was destined to be the best mother and wife on the face of the earth..

Here I am.. at soon-to-be 27.. single... with no future of marriage..

Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong to not deserve that sort of life?

I'm starting to conclude that I will forever be "the single one" amidst a sea of married friends.. ALL my friends are married now.. ALL of them.. so when we go out.. it's either I have to tag along my ex (who is still a good friend of mine) or go by myself.. there is not prospective "new guy" in the picture.. there's nothing.. but myself..

It's getting harder and harder to believe that God is still "molding out that guy that is perfect for me.." like my mother always tries to tell me..

Maybe marriage isn't the right path for me.. but why give me such a strong desire for it???

Can't let the cute hair go to waste!!!

So I had to take pictures!

Why?

Why go searching for someone new when there is someone sitting right next to you that knows everything about you??

One time louder!

So, let's be totally superficial and vain today.

I need a pedicure. I do. But the thing is, I have a nasty blister on my heel that has not popped or gone down yet. It's rather icky. I don't want to pop it, I just want it to go away on it's own.

I got it last week when I meandered around Disneyland for two days in a row. Apparently I was not wearing good enough shoes to prevent me from getting blisters. So I have one big blister on the side of my right heel. It doesn't seem to be going anywhere either.

I don't want to get a pedicure and have the pedicure person pop it on accident or have something happen to it while my foot is soaking in the water like it usually does when one has a pedicure. Darn.

But I need one and I would really want one.

I hope that the blister goes away by the 29th of September. I fully intend on going to the Burke Williams Day Spa and pampering myself there with a full body massage and eucalyptus wrap and everything..

Ah.. What I wouldn't give to just go and do that NOW..

It was one of those weekends..

It was one of those weekends that I can classify as WORST DAY EVER!

It wasn't like anything drastic happened to me. It was just a whole bunch of little things that built up and became one big thing. Now that I look back at it, it was just a whole bunch of little stupid things, mixed together with the short fuse I had.. and there we go!

It was nuts.

There is this one thing in my life right now that I have decided to just let go. It started sometime last week. I had a taste of what I could possibly get into by continuing to pursue this new direction, and I really don't think it's worth entering. I don't know. I don't want to feel like I'm making a mistake by not even trying, but I don't want to have to waste my time by getting involved. I can't stop thinking about it, so I don't know what that means. But I know that there are things about this new venture that has raised so many of those "red flags" that tell me I SHOULDN'T get involved.

I think I should be very smart this time around and avoid it at all costs and just take my loses now and go and don't look back. I have to be strong about it and know that God will provide me with more ventures in the future. Who knows? This one that I am leaving may decide to better itself and I may find myself at the entrance of this path again. I'd like that, because I would like to see where it would lead me.

Maybe now is just not the right time..

It sucks..

It sucks to be so torn over things in my life right now. There things I want that I just can't have and it's frustrating because I never thought I'd end up being the one to experience all this. I always thought my lfie would be as clean-cut as everyone else's has been.

What did I do to deserve all of this??

It sucks..

It sucks to be so torn over things in my life right now. There things I want that I just can't have and it's frustrating because I never thought I'd end up being the one to experience all this. I always thought my lfie would be as clean-cut as everyone else's has been.

What did I do to deserve all of this??

I am not in the mood.

My mind has been somewhere else ALL DAY! Seriously. I haven't been feeling like working all day. And now.. I really don't feel like doing the show tonight.. I have to though.. so all I can do is buck up and deal.

I couldn't sleep last night. My mind was wandering then too.

I need to find some focus. Maybe I'm just very tired and so I'm lacking focus.

Well, this starts week three of HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. This maybe the next to the last weekend. If sales start picking up then we'll have three more weeks. I don't know if I want to end early or extend.

We'll see.

I couldn't have said it better myself..

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.


I got that from an email. It was one of many quotes about life and love. This one stuck out the most.. hmm..

Another curve ball..

I don't think I will ever understand why God likes to throw us all curve balls in life. One would think that if a person decides to follow Him, then He would make life so much easier for that person. If a person decides to follow God, then God would be happy and shower this person with blessings and gifts.

Sometimes I feel like it's the COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

Now, I know I'm wrong. It's not like I am being bombarded with disappointment and bad luck all the time.

It's not like that at all..

My life doesn't run smoothly. I don't really have the right to complain because I know so many more people that have it worse than I do. But at the same time, I know so many people that have a better life than I do.

I would love for my life to run smoothly. We all would.

But then again, this is just what I've been handed. God doesn't give us anything more than we can't handle. Apparently I can handle a lot. Maybe God is showing me that I can handle a lot more than I ever thought I could handle. But I won't lie and say that it is so very, very hard.

We all go through things for a reason. We all go through things so that we can exercise the freedom of choice that God gives us. What kills me is that we don't really ever know if we make the right choice after it is made. We can contemplate all we want about the possible scenarios, but those possible scenarios don't usually materialize.. and we can never turn back time and change our decision to see how our life would change accordingly.

It's frustrating, and I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way. But I just wish that there were moments.. especially the very important moments.. when we were allowed a sneak peak into the future depending on the choices presented to us.. so we would know we were making the right decision..

Sigh..

God has no time for you!

I was once told that I should stop praying for the things that are happening in my own life because God has other things to worry about in this world. He doesn't have time to deal with my petty life issues.

WHAT?!

I guess if you think of God in a "human" sense, then maybe..

Human's can only really deal with a few things at a time. Human's usually prioritize things according to most important. Mundane issues get pushed aside. Personal things get ignored when more worldwide things are a source of problem and issue.

But God is not human. God is Divine. No one can limit divinity. No one can set boundaries on divinity. God is able to deal with the worldwide and the mundane all at the same priority level.

God can deal with the war in Iraq and my personal life with the same amount of care and attention.

Divinity does not categorize prayers according to some sort of priority ranking.

He will grant prayers at His own time.

If God did things according to what we humans think is most important, don't you thnk that the war would be over? Don't you think that there would be peace on earth? Don't you think that world poverty would be abolished?

If God did things according to what we thought he should be concentrating on first the world would be such a different place.

The Lord does things in His own time. Regardless of what WE think is more important. What WE think is more important is not necessarily what HE things is most important. God is God for a reason.

It is our faith that keeps us believing that He always has time for us. No matter how mundane the prayer, no matter how insignificant we truly feel, no matter how unworthy we feel.

God always has time for us.

Am I allowed to be selfish?!

What about what is best for ME?

Sometimes I feel like I have sacrificed so much for everyone else that I have totally forgotten about me and my needs and what I want out of life.

Since when did I not count anymore?

I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to have a family. I want a husband to love me and support me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially. I want a husband that I can support mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially.

I want to be able to plan a wedding.

I want to go house hunting.

I want to plan a baby shower. To build a nursery. To have a child. To have a family.

Why isn't it happening to me? How long do I have to wait? How long do I have to journey through life this way?

When is it all going to happen to me?

:::So concludes my selfish rant. I shall go back to my normal self.:::

Go Wildcats!!!

Baseball..

Life throws you many, many different kinds pitches..

If you wanna relate your life to baseball.. I guess.. it just means you gotta be prepared to hit what ever life throws at you.. sometimes.. you miss.. sometimes you do hit it.. and it just goes in all sorts of odd directions.. and sometimes you hit it.. and someone catches and ruins everything.. or sometimes you hit it.. and it rolls around before someone grabs a hold of it and ruins everything.. sometimes.. you hit it.. and it gets tossed around.. but you still succeed..

And then.. there are those chance moments when you hit the ball outta the park.. HOME RUN!

I'm still waiting for my home run.. but I've always sucked at baseball..

"We're all in this together.."

It can go in ANY direction..

I'm at a point in my life that I can go in any direction..

I may or may not be working at my workplace by the beginning of September.. my contract ends September 1st.. and I did apply for a permanent position.. but I don't know if i'm going to get it.. I would love to.. but I just don't know.. no one is saying anything.. and i'm kinda too scared to ask..

I am not getting married anymore.. at least not next year.. so.. I don't really have to plan on completely settling down and starting to deal with the realities of married life and possible family life..

My life could go anywhere..

I was thinking of changing careers.. going into nursing if I don't get this permanent position.. the local community college has a program where you can "go up a ladder" in a career in nursing.. starting with being an LVN.. working for awhile.. then go back to school for another 2 years to become an RN.. then.. I'd work more and then enroll at this other school to work on my Bachelors Degree and eventually a Masters Degree in Nursing..

It's a good thought.. but I am also realzing that I did get a good bachelors degree in Biotechnology.. which my parents worked really hard to pay for me to get.. and why waste it? So.. I'm having second thoughts about this career change..

Offering it up to the Lord..

I guess that's all I can do.. is just offer up my future.. where ever the Lord takes me.. who knows.. I may just get sent into a while different direction than I am anticipating right now..

It's human nature to be frustrated and impatient about the unknown.. it's overcoming the humanity.. that's faith..

I am still thinking about getting a theology degree at a Catholic University down in San Diego.. I'd like that.. I think it'd be interesting.. maybe specialize in Scripture.. or Catholic history..

What ever direction the Lord takes me.. I should follow wholeheartedly.. I just hope that when he does start showing me where to go.. my eyes will be open enough to realize that I am being led somewhere..

Glamorous!

I've been waiting..

Wow.. what a weekend..

Rehearsal was RIDICULOUS! Hahah.. ok.. here's the part where I complain about stuff..

First off.. I'm NOT a runner. I don't run. I dance. There is a difference. I can dance, a lot, and I won't get excruciatingly tired. But if I have to run, oh boy.. I will NEVER recover!

The choreographer for the show had us run four laps around the theater block. It's not THAT bad.. and to be honest.. I have been wanting to start running.. but still.. FOUR LAPS.. for someone that hasn't really ran since her high school days.. that's A LOT OF RUNNING!

I know he meant well.. to build up the stamina so that we are able to get through the entire show without really exhausting ourselves.. and like I said.. I have been wanting to start running.. but I thought that I'd be able to go at it at a much slower pace... and it's not like it was running.. it was more like jogging.. but still..

I have bad knees..

My knees are what have been making me hesitant to start running.. but I really have been wanting to..

We'll see.. but my shins are hurting.. my poor legs aren't used to that kinda abuse.. hahah!

Oh well.. and he wants to do that every saturday.. hmm.. looks like i'll be coming late every saturday rehearsal.. hahaha!

All sorts of busy..

I have been living all sorts of busy lately.. being in the show is really starting to take it's toll on me.. this rehearsal schedule is killing me. I mean.. maybe it wasn't so bad if the theater was within 5 - 10 minutes from me.. but this theater is a good 20 - 30 minutes from me.

I suddenly remember why I've been so hesitant to branch out and do theater in other cities.. it's because of the horrendous driving..

I mean.. I guess I'm having fun.. I think it's cuz i'm the oldest of the "high school students" cast in this show.. and by at least 10 years of a difference.. that I really don't feel like I mesh well with the cast. I mesh well with the music director and choreographer.. only because I have worked with them sooo many times in the past.

I guess it also has something to do with the fact that I have been working/singing with adults so much, especially when i do stuff in Rancho for the Victoria Gardens Cultural Center..

I love the show.. I love the music.. it's fun no-brainer type stuff... and being able to dance again is GREAT.. but argh.. I feel like i'm getting too old for all of this!

Combating the darkness..

I've decided that I must not dwell in this "dark night" any longer. I think I've mulled over it for way too long and there is no other way out that to physically get myself out.

I think that the only way to really get out of this is to completely embrace the faith that has brought me into it. God gave this to me for a reason, and I believe it was to fully be able to understand why and how I believe in my Catholic faith. By immersing myself in it's teachings and message, I think I am finding my way out of this dark night by finding the inspiration and love of the Lord that I felt I had been missing for the past few weeks..

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in being with the Father. Through Him all things were made. For us men and our salvation He came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit, He was born of the Virgin Mary , and became man. For our sake He was crucified under Pontius Pilate; He suffered, died, and was buried. On the third day He rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures: He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end. We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son, He is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets. We believe in one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

This is what I believe.. this is what I embrace.. this is what is going to take away my dark night.. this is what I will use to combat my dark night.. this is what will save me from the darkness..

When the world.. explodes..

My dark night of the soul..

If I could.. I go to church everyday. If I could.. If I had the time, I'd visit the Blessed Sacrament everyday.. at least until I feel like God is with me again..

Yes.. my dark night of the soul.. when I feel most abandoned by the one that I put my full faith and trust in.. I know that I am not abandoned. In fact, I am sure that it is this time in my life that He is probably most closest to me.

It always seem to feel that He isn't there with me. I know that couldn't be further from the truth. He is always there, holding my hand, watching over me and guiding me. But I still feel so alone.

It's hard to make myself believe otherwise. And I think that is why I really have that need to visit the Church as often as possible. I think that is why I have this deep longing to visit the Blessed Sacrament. I just don't have the time, nor the availability.

My parish has exposition on the first Friday of the month and it's passed already.. so I have to wait til next month.. there are parishes in Riverside with perpetual adoration.. but I don't have time.. but I think that i should one of these days.. I really think I should..

I just need to be in that physical presense.. maybe that will help.. I just dont know..

I pray that this dark night passes soon..

Footloose and fancyfree...

If he took the picture at the point that I had stretched my arm up a little more.. it'd be perfect.. right now.. I just look like I have bad posture.. hahah!

I think I have stuffed my life with so many things right now that I am numb to all that I am supposed to be feeling. Now that I have a day off and now that I don't have much to do I feel so many things that I know I have been running away from.. Darn..

Happy Fourth of July!

May everyone have fun and enjoy the fireworks!

All that time..

I had an eventful weekend. I went to Disneyland and got my premium annual pass. It means I can go to Disneyland any time I want to! Ya baby!

I went to rehearsal and went out to dinner with some castmates. That was fun. It was nice to feel included in a group of people again. I have separated myself so much from life and everyone since the breakup. I'm slowly making my way back as a member of civilized society.

I just want everything fixed. Together or not.. I just want things to have a sense of certainty, and direction. I'm not one for this "one-day-at-a-time" business.. though I am learning.

I also know that God has His way of guiding me. I'm open to whatever He has for me.. though I'm still very discouraged at the fact that He allowed all this madness to happen in the first place.. I'm human and I'm allowed my moments of weakness.. but I also have to trust in Him.. it's a daily struggle that I hope will get easier in time..

I'm just saying..

This movie kicks @ss!!!

Monday, Monday..

Well.. we went to the wedding together. It was hard, as you can imagine. The ceremony was pretty hard to get through. We hadn't told my friends what had happened to us, but they wondered why I was so off. But the cat came out of the bag eventually and they were all very supportive.

We ended up having a great time though. The reception was so much fun. The DJ really knew how to keep the party going. It was great and it was the most fun I have had since everything decided to fall apart..

So.. it was.. ok..

I am.. ok...

Never thought it'd get easier...

Other than the pics of me dancing, this has got to be one of my favorite pictures from the show. My friend captured that moment precisely. I think it's cute!

I never thought I would say that everyday that we are apart is getting easier. I have my faith. It hasn't wavered. In fact, I think that my faith has gotten a lot stronger. I am learning to surrender it all.

Surrendering doesn't mean that I have to fall out of love with him. I do love him, very much so. And surrendering my trials and pain does not mean I have to love him less. I do love him dearly, but the separation is in God's hands now. I'm just here to live my life according to His will. I still pray that His will is going to lead us back together, but I don't know. No one knows.. no one knows until we get there..

We are going to a wedding today.. sigh.. weddings.. I hope I don't cry my eyes out. But it's comforting to know that he will be next to me as we watch my friend enter into that chapter in their lives.

I just hope and pray that I may be able to enter into that chapter too.. someday..

Slowly but surely.. pictures could help..

First of several pictures I have of the ACT (Adult Chorale Troupe) Broadway show.. the last show that was the last day of my happiness.. well.. sorta..

This was the beginning of the end for us.. I hate to admit it.. but it was the events that happened before this show that sent Justyn and I on this downward spiral that I am still grasping to understand..

I have lots more pictures.. and I hope to use these to slowly move on from this depressing topic and start posting some more light-hearted interesting things again..

I did get cast into another show.. I wasn't planning on doing one this summer.. but i figure that getting out will do me good.. it's a local community theater's version of Disney's High School Musical.. I'm a cheerleader.. ensemble.. but it should be fun.. it's a nice light-hearted show.. and I should have fun.. it'll give me a reason to go out.. and learn to move on.. I hope..

Wishing.. and hoping.. and thinking.. and praying..

Sigh..

That's all..

I just think about all I have lost within these past two weeks.. and.. sigh..

"Offer it up to the Lord.."

Ya... that was yesterday.. this is today..

But no.. I am making a conscious decsion.. I have to.. every morning.. to have a good day.. I have to make a conscious decision every morning to offer all this up to Him.. I have to make a conscious decision every morning to realize that something is going to hurt me today.. but I can't let it affect me anymore..

Yes.. I can hurt..

But I can no longer live my life at a standstill.. like I have for the past two weeks..

I just want him back completely.. and I don't know if that's possible.. I still love him a great deal and I still want nothing more than to be his lawfully wedded wife.. through sickness and in health.. for richer or for poorer.. til death do us part..

I still want that.. so badly.. it still hurts to know that this could have been taken away from me forever..

"Dear God,
I need to give you this cross I bear becasue I cannot carry it any longer. I can't.. it's too heavy.. it's too difficult.. the pain is just too much. I trust that You will carry this for me, and help me deal with the obstacles I have along the way.. toward my path to healing.. but please Dear Lord, if You get a chance.. please try to help us.. we know Your Will be done.. but maybe.. if possible.. You can allow that will to involve the two of us together again? Please try to find a way.. if You can.. I trust in Your decision and Your judgement.. what ever the outcome may be.. just help me get through today.. and the next day.. one day at a time.. Amen."

Sigh..

My vocation..

I always thought I was called into the vocation of married life.. to live a life for Christ Jesus in the vocation of married life.. to bring my husband and children toward our God.. toward faith in Our God..

But is it really my call?

I don't think that the vocation of Holy Orders is for me.. I can't be a nun.. I can vow chastity.. I can vow obedience (sorta) but the one thing I know I cannot vow is poverty.

I'm being completely honest.. I can't give up my lifestyle.. I can't give up the fruits of my hard work..

I do wanna give.. give.. give.. give to the church.. especially to the children.. i want to bring all children so much closer to Christ. I want to instill a foundation of faith before they get too old and then they start to stray..

I don't want them to realize the beauty of the fatih and mercy of our God when it's too late. I don't ever want them to miss a moment of knowing how great our God is.. I don't want them to make the same mistakes that I have made.. by straying away.. and finally embracing the faith completely.. just a couple of years ago.. I want them to surround themselves in the faith.. all of theri life.. knowing that God is good.. that he is kind and merciful..

That is my calling.. to help the children.. to find ways to raise funds for churches so that they can concentrate on the children and youth.. that's what I want..

But does that mean I have to sacrifice the vocation of married life? I can have a family and all of that.. can't I?

I still don't understand why he's taken it away from me..

The movie in my mind..

High school musical.. that song.. "When there was me and you.."

Why does something from the DISNEY CHANNEL.. something I'm totally identifying with at the moment..

Gosh.. I still love him so much.. and I still want nothing more than to be his lawfuly wedded wife.. I want nothing more than to grow old with him.. it hurts to see the possiblity of him slipping away from me forever..

The pain.. the hurt..

I know it's all I blog about.. but isn't that what my blog is for.. for me to release all these feelings trapped inside of me.. things i want to say.. that i can't say.. cuz it won't change anything..

Week one...

I am still not feeling any better.. in fact.. I feel worse.. I miss him so much..

There has to be a way.. there HAS to be a way.. but I just don't know.. for the first time.. neither of us can honestly say.. "it's going to be ok.. we are going to pull through this TOGETHER.." like we used to..

I love him.. I love him.. it's simple as that.. the Lord has to see that.. God has to know that our love is strong for each other.. he has to put that into consideration.. wouldn't he?

It's so easy to say "Jesus, I trust in You.."

And I can say that a million times.. but probably only really believe it 10 out of the million times I said it..

It's hard to trust when you always feel so let down.. when I know that He does work in mysterious ways.. I know He does things in His own time.. I know all that.. I know that I won't see the answers now.. I know all that.. I know about all the encouraging words that people have been telling me..

I want to hear that our love should endure.. that because we love each other.. we should be able to make it.. that we should still be together.. that we shouldn't have broken up.. etc.. etc..

This has been the slowest and most painful week of my life.. I just want to wake up from this aweful nightmare..

I know that God will show His mercy.. that God is here with me.. His is carrying the cross I bear.. but it doesn't mean it still can't hurt..

Pray for me.. Pray for us.. Pray for something..

"My heart forevermore holds still..."

Half of me has died. I just want to curl into a ball and die. I just want to disappear and no longer feel anything.

This pain is just to unbearable. I am trying to offer it up to the Lord, but I feel so abandoned right now..

Why is it the one true thing in my life that brought me spiritual strength and guidance.. is the one that took away the one person in my life that completed me?

Why did we have to make this sacrifice? Why did it have to resort to this?

I hurt.. everywhere.. I cry.. uncontrollably..

I would give anything to have him back.. to tell me that it's all going to be ok..

Why? Why? Why? Why???

Oh dear God.. why???

Why?

I don't want to go through this anymore.

I want to wake up from this awful nightmare and find everything back to the way it was before.

If we both love each other and miss each other and want to be back together.. why can't it just be that easy to say "ok.. we're back together"

Why?

Why take away the one thing in my life I was willing to go to the ends of the earth for? Why take away someone I love so deeply and so whole-heartedly and who loves me just the same? Why?

Today.. I break down..

It's whole day No. 2 since the fateful day of our separation.. we still talk.. we're both is serious pain.. the reason we split wasn't becasue of the fighting.. but something deeper than that.. the love is still there.. love..

I would give anything to have him hold me.. kiss me.. tell me everything will be ok.. that it was all a bad dream.. that we can be together.. anything.. but that.. anything but that one thing I know I can't give him..

He hurts too.. wanting the same thing.. but we know that until we find a solution.. we can't be..

I was fine yesterday..

But today.. I'm not.. today I woke up crying and haven't stopped since.. today the pain is soo deep that I don't want to do anything... today.. I feel like half of me has absolutely died.. today.. I am weak.. today.. i hurt.. today.. is worse than yesterday.. and worse than the day before..

Please God.. find a solution..

With the ups.. comes the downs..

I can't stop crying cuz I know this can't be it. But there's a feeling deep in my heart this is.. this is it.. for us.. this is the last time I'll see him.. the last time I can ever tell him I love him.. and the last time i might ever love someone enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him..

I don't want it to end.. but part of me says that this time.. it just might have to..

Love is supposed to conquer all.. why isn't it conquering this?

Is marriage and family and life-long love just something I wasn't meant to have? If that's the case.. why give me the possibilities in the first place?

I love him.. and I will always love him.. I was willing to walk thru fire.. I would have given my life if need be.. I love him that much.. he was my other half.. the one I would be spending the rest of my life with.. I would have fought for him.. but when is enough..enough..

It wasn't supposed to end this way.. we were supposed to get married.. have children.. have grandchildren.. grow old together and live happily ever after.. we both wanted that.. that is what we were aiming for.. we have enough love for that.. why can't we do it?

Why did the Lord have to give him to me.. and take him away like this.. what was the point to all this if it were going to end like this..

"People come into our lives for a reason.. bringing something we must learn.."

What have I learned? Never to fall in love.. never to let anyone in anymore.. that can't be right.. that can't be what God wanted me to get out of this..

I know the tears will eventually stop falling. I know the pain will eventually go away.. but I'm left with these scars.. deeply rooted in my heart.. and I dont know if i can ever get past that..

When you give your heart to someone.. you never expect it back..

If you're willing to do anything to make it work.. do you do so.. or just finally give up.. when love is supposed to conquer all..

Randomness never killed anyone..

Alright.. who's messin' with the weather?

Seriously.. I hate the drastic changes of the weather. It's been happening a lot lately. From being nice and sunny and warm.. to a sudden colder and cloudy day. Why? Is it global warming?

Ugh.. my hands.. dry.. cold.. icky.. this is one thing I despise about my job in the lab.. I have to wash my hands ALL THE TIME... and so I constantly have to put lotion on.. and I have invested in A LOT of lotion lately.. sigh..

The show is tomorrow.. oh boy! Can't wait.. but I hope this drastic weather change isn't going to affect my voice that much.. I kinda need to be in perfect vocal chord health..

I've been listening to my podcasts lately.. but I've been tuning them out in my ear a lot... not good.. how am I supposed to get the most out of these podcasts if I'm not really listening to them.. I'm hearing them.. but not listening.. two very different things.. sigh..

Ok.. enough randomness.. my mind is no longer here.. i'm so dead tired.. i took a nap at lunch.. but I think I still haven't fully woken up yet..

Woo hoo!

So.. there I go.. I just sold my first EBAY item. I shipped it out today and I'm rather proud of myself. I didn't get a lot out of it. I got one bid for the original auction price, but it doesn't matter because I sold it!

I'm working on another cross-stitching piece but I have been so busy with the show that I'm going to be in this Thursday. It's performance week and so we are bustin' booty trying to get it all perfected by then.. I haven't had time to work on the new cross-stitch piece.. it'll be cute. I can't wait til it's done but it's a lot more work so I'm probably going to raise the price a little bit.

I hope that the buyer is happy with what they got and will put it to good use. I didn't frame it or anything. I specified on the auction site that I was going to leave it up to the buyer to do what they wanted with it. Also.. I don't really know what to do with it after I finish it in the first place..

I was also thinking of starting to make all-twine-knotted rosaries like the ones that they talk about on the Rosary Army Podcast. I won't sell those, but I would like to participate in donating some to their site and giving some away at my church.. but with my already busy schedule.. I don't honestly think I can handle anything else...

Plus.. even tho' this is a very selfish excuse.. I will not be making any money out of it.. I think that the overall outcome of being charitable about it and just giving them away is much more rewarding.. I don't think I'm at a good place in my life to financially be comfortable like that..

But then again.. is there ever really "a good place and time"..

It's all about the trust in the Lord.. right??

Somebody's bored..

So I tried to make a video blog yesterday, but nothing I did came out nice or worthy of actually loading onto the internet. It was all just straight retarded. Sigh..

Anyway.. the show is coming up quickly. I mean.. on THURSDAY! That's nuts! My normal schedule will resume and I'll be able to go to Church at my regular time and start singing at the other Church again soon too. I'm excited. I think this show is going to be cool. I always love Broadway Revues.. they are always cool.

Alright.. random thought..
I always thought I was a drama queen.. but Justyn seriously takes the cake.. I'm just saying..

What do you do when your too human to forgive and forget?

What do you do when you want to follow Christ and emulate Him, but your humanity gets in the way?

What happens when that one person you never thought would hurt you, does?

What happens when you want to forgive, and you know you forgave, but you know you'll have a hard time forgetting?

Who's fault would it be if I can't forget? His? Mine?

Sigh.. it's just hard, I mean.. I'm disappointed in him and hurt. I'm not so much angry anymore. I've gotten over the anger. I'm just disappointed and hurt. Sometimes I wish I were just angry because anger disappates, but hurt and disappointment linger. Hurt, disappointment, and sadness take time to heal and go away. Anger is instant. I wish I were just angry.

Being sorry means that you will try your hardest to never, ever do it again. To repend and be sorry for your sins is to truly consciously not ever do it again. I want to trust that it won't, but humanity always states otherwise.

This was just a small offense. A small lie. But small lies can turn to big lies. And what else would he end up lying about?

But I'm letting this one go. I'm forgiving and I will learn to forget. It will be a journey to rebuild my trust, but the Lord will guide and provide, not only for him, but for me. The Lord will guide my heart to true forgiveness and true trust. The Lord will guide him to be truly repentant for it. And the Lord will give him the strength to not do it again.

That's the only thing I can do. Give it up and say "Jesus, I trust in You"

When life gives you obstacles..

Argh..

I have never been so stressed out at work in my life. I don't understand what is suddenly going wrong with my project. I'm frustrated, especially when i see the piles and piles of samples that need to be processed, that can't be processed because of this delay.

It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to throw the machine. I makes me want to give the responsibility to someone else to make the new positive control so that once it's fixed i can just run and run my samples without a care.

But I refuse to give up and I refuse to admit to failure. I will fix this, and I will make it better and I will be back to running samples in no time. I promise this!

Yesterday was the Confirmation Mass for the teenagers at our church. I was a beautiful ceremony and the Bishop did such a wonderful job. He was so inspirational and so touching I felt so moved.

I pray that the youth will continue to follow the Lord and will continue on with their spiritual journey and learn about the truth of our faith and the love of Jesus now and not years down the line, like me..

They are the future of our church and I pray that they will realize how important the Lord is in our lives and will find ways to enter into different ministries and follow the calling of their vocations in life to continue to strengthen their spiritual life and the church..

I'm going to be the crafting queen!

Cross Stitching.. yes..

I have entered the world of cross stitching.. I love it.. in fact that picture is a picture of the first completed cross stitch I have ever completed.. fully.. all by myself.. yes.. I am proud!

I had dabbled in to cross stitching when i was younger, but I really don't think i finished the kit that i started..

Remember when i had that plan to take over the world one doily at a time? Well.. I noticed on ebay that no one really bought a lot of crocheted stuff.. so i looked into cross stitched stuff and people are into that like CRAZY! So.. I decided to get in on that little venture..

So.. along with trying to earn money with selling those candles and home decor thru PartyLite.. which I love! I have decided to earn some extra cash by doing these little cross stitch projects and selling them on ebay. This is the first one I put up for auction... how does it look?

I put it up this afternoon after work.. and a few hours later.. IT GOT IT'S FIRST BID!!!

It's got seven days on Ebay.. and then.. let's hope that it works out and it sells for a good amount.. I'm currently working on another one right now.. and I've got two more kits after that which i am going to sell as well.. then.. if God permits.. I will take some of that money I earned and turn it around to buy more kits for myself.. and the rest will be extra saving money for the little fund justyn and i put together to help us get married..

I know it's not going to make a major impact on my finances.. but i realized how much fun and relaxing cross stitching is.. I totally love it.. tho I don't know if i'm talented enough to work outside of kits just yet.. we'll see.. hopefully..

I'll keep you posted as to what happened to my first Ebay auction!

It would only be soo easy..

It's a Wednesday night and I'm not teaching. ODD... not really..

The religious education school year is over for now. It is set to resume in October of this year. A new class... a new school year..

Why am I already thinking about it when I just finished this current year? Will I ever allow myself to just RELAX.. I don't want to stress myself out over a class I have never met before..

Breathe in..

Breathe out..

Breathe in..

Breathe out..

I'm currently working on a cross-stitching pattern of a snail. Yes. A snail....

It's a snail with a caption that says "Slow down and enjoy God's works"

Isn't that the truest thing ever! I totally need to read that.. it has to be my mantra...

I'm running out of things to blog about.. so if you have any questions or anything you think I should write about.. let me know.. i'll take suggestions.. i need the inspiration and direction.. feel free to send your thoughts and suggestions over.. please!!!

Something worth reposting..

I woke up this moring and wrote this on my myspace blog. I thought it was good enough to repost on to here.. hope ou like it!

You can make decisions in life that will always lead to comfort and safety... like running to the safety of your home whenever something doesn't go quite the way you wanted it to.. You can run and hide in the comfort of your own bed.. never to return to that place that caused you stress..

But in doing so.. you will never get to experience life. You will never get to that sense of adventure. You will never take risks.. you may never be happy.. you may never be complete..

Your other option is to get back into that car.. get back into that car with the one you know you can't live without.. and follow him anywhere... not knowing where he will lead you.. but knowing you will still be safe within that car. With him, you are still enclosed in that safety.. even though the outcome is unpredictable..

At least you'll feel complete.. at least you'll feel alive.. you won't have to hide.. and he has your hand.. he'll hold your hand.. put his arms around you when you doubt.. hold you close when you are scared.. because he does love you and won't let anything happen to you while you are in his car.. and on the adventure.. TOGETHER..

And in the back of your mind.. you will always know that you home will always be there.. no matter what adventures you have.. no matter where that car may take you.. that the home is still there to return to..

And that you can go running home.. TOGETHER..

Well.. that's it.. hope you enjoyed it.. have a great weekend!

Nothing seems to work..

Describe your feelings in one word: DISCOURAGED

Yes.. money discourages me..

There will never be enough money. I know.. money doesn't buy happiness. I know that. But I can't live my life without money. I can't get married. I can't live on my own. I can't find my own sense of independence without money.

No matter what I do, we will never have enough money. I can't do this alone. I'm the one that went out and started my lil business. I'm the one willing to put in all this extra money. Justyn just thinks it's good enough to put his fixed amount from every paycheck. Granted it's more than what I put, and I also put a fixed amount from every paycheck, but I'm always willing to put in some extra money.

He always says he will, he always plans to, but then HE NEVER DOES IT!!

What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to be encouraged by all this?

I'm depressed. I'm discouraged. I'm not happy.

There isn't enough..

There is never enough time in the day to get EVERYTHING done. I really admire the people that can manage their time effectively. I feel like if I do that, I will literally have no time to do anything fun or leisurely.

If I give myself something to do ALL THE TIME.. I will never have time to sit and admire the world around me.. I will never have time to feel the comfort of being in Justyn's arms.. I will never have the time to grab a cup of coffee and take advantage of the companionship I share with my friends..

But I feel like I rush through things just to feel like I have some sort of "free time"

I feel like I do so much..

Yet I feel like I don't do enough..

I'm sure everyone has felt that way..

However.. now that I have relaxed on my "candle business" outlook.. a little of the load has been lifted.. but I still feel like I want to do so much for that thing. I pray to the Lord all the time that He knows what's best to make the most of this small business experience.

I know He won't let me fail.

I just feel like I have so many things to offer.. I want to do so many things.. but there just isn't enough time..

I want to get married and start a family.. but do I even have time for that?? I don't want to overwork and realize when I'm older that I totally missed my chance..

I pray to God that doesn't happen to us..

Hey.. hey.. hey!

I think that I need a vacation. I am totally feeling the effects of "burn-out." I'm feeling them especially here at work. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE what I do here. I LOVE MY JOB!

Working in a bacteriology lab is a total dream come true! It's just that, I'm tired. I haven't had a proper vacation since.. gosh.. August of 2005?!?!

The only extra days off I would get are those little three day weekends that we get due to observed holidays.

I definitely need a vacation. I don't even mind just staying at home for a week. Sigh.. oh well.. I think that I will take a couple of days off soon. I need it. I really need it.

I need to refresh myself. Or I just might start going crazy.. crazier than I already am..

Getty Center.. a little taste..

Went to the J. Paul Getty Musuem in Los Angeles. I LOVE THIS PLACE!

This is just one of the paintings we took a picture of when we were there. We didn't take a whole bunch because a lot of the areas restricted the use of cameras, or the flash wasn't allowed and my camera wasn't able to take a good picture. But over the course of a few blog entries.. I will be sharing some of the great memories and pictures Justyn and I took at the Getty.

We both sparked an interest in photography.. he's had one for awhile.. and I recently found my "photography bug".. so we took a lot of photos of places.. and especially the gardens..

It's late and I should go to bed.. but I was so excited.. I wanted to start sharing!!!

Happy Mothers Day to all the mommies and grandmommies and soon-to-be mommies!!!

Haywire..

Ok.. so a little update on my lil blooming business..

What started off as Justyn's little book party has ended up being MY little book party. He didn't do as well as we anticipated, and I ended up with more people buying from me, so we thought it would be best to just give ME the party and he could try again next month and actually host a party at his house. Sounds good to me!

That's it. I didn't really earn much from that party in the first place. I mean, the party qualifies.. meaning it made more than $250 and i got one booking out of it. So.. I'm not a total loser.

I also figure that it is MY business. I am an INDEPENDENT consultant. I know I have certain goals and expectations to rise to from the person that took me on. However, I'm a busy person, and even though I would love to apply myself in that manner, it is logistically impossible right now.

I am doing the best I can and I will continue to do the best I can.. no matter what. I will set MY own goals.. and I will work to MY capacity. I have enough stress in my life. I really don't need to add any more..

The Lord will guide me in the direction he wants this business to take..

S..l..o..w..l..y..

Can this week go by any slower?

It's a countdown until the end of this year's CCD class. Today is the last day of me actually teaching them something from the book. Lo and behold I'm so proud that we actually got to finish the whole book. I think that last year, I was a chapter or two short from finishing. This year I was able to squeeze in every chapter in the book.. whoo hoo!

Next week is the official last day. It's party day! I will be passing out the completion certificates and these little foam art religious banners that I made for them.

I will have the whole summer to myself after this.. sigh.. that's going to be interesting.. I don't know what I'm going to do.. probably ACT and I don't know if I'll get to do ACT 2. I don't want to miss out on singing at the other church.

I will spend the summer working on my partylite business. I hope it picks up. I'm feeling very discouraged about it all lately. I hope that these next few months give me reason to feel like I did the right thing in taking this on.

Oh.. I hope.. I hope..

I have a headache.

Today is Tuesday. I am sitting in front of the computer. I have a headache.

I don't know what it is. I just have a headache. I hope it goes away because it's getting hard to concentrate on the task at hand. I'm trying to make a spreadsheet for some of my research here at work. I need to just not think about this headache.

I had crazy choreography rehearsal for our ACT and ACT 2 shows that are going to be playing in June. It's exciting but it's made me realize how out of shape I truly am. I need to do a lot more cardio exercises. I can't handle all the movement.. PLUS the singing..

I have to really get back into shape. I feel so old!

I'm sure that the more rehearsal we do, the more I'll get used to it. In the meantime, I really need to do some running, or jogging, or dancing. I have those exercise "salsa dancing" dvds.. I should start working on those too..

Sigh..

Praise the Lord!!!

Today, the very first CCD class I have ever taught in my life had recieved the sacrament of Eucharist for the first time. Yes, my kids had their first Holy Communion today.

I was so proud. I was so happy to see my class go up there and receive the Eucharist. I never thought that I would have gotten as emotional as I did. But when I saw them process into the church.. the girls in their beautiful white dresses.. the boys in their sharp little suits.. I couldn't help but get teary eyed.

I watched their progress from the beginning.. taught them so many things that I hope they will remember in the long run... helped tend the seed of faith that parents planted in them on the day of their baptism..

I am soo proud..

These children were so blessed and I feel so blessed to share that moment with them..

It really makes those months of struggle and constant prayers for help with the class really worth it.. because it is really a blessing to have each of them complete these sacraments...

It made me realize that i really do love being a CCD teacher.. I really do!

Lack of zoo... hmph!

Justyn is going to San Diego today. He's going to the zoo. I want to go to the zoo. I wish I could have gone. Sigh.

Anyway...

So, I've been listening to a lot of Catholic podcasts lately. They are great. I have really learned a lot from them all. It has given me so much insight on my faith and shown me that I am not alone in my struggles with my faith at times due to my struggles in life.

It shows how they have their anger, they have their doubt, they have their questions..

I'm not the only one..

It doesn't make me any less faithful..

It just makes me "human"..

And the one thing we have in common is that, after all the initial feelings are gone, we all turn back to the Lord and realize that if we trust in Him completely, that He will ALWAYS provide.

Granted, it may not always be the way we want things to end up.. but He always provides..

Yay, podcasts, yay!

Monday..

I am exhausted.

This weekend was EXHAUSTING!!

Saturday, we were at a Cursillo fundraiser at a golf course in Corona. It was a really nice place and so I got information on wedding recptions and prices there. People that were reading it were telling me that it was a very good deal. We'll see.

It was soo hott that day. But my cousin's children were there (the kiddies).. and I love them to death and so it's always fun to go somewhere with them.

Sunday was my PartyLite starter party. Exciting. I will be getting about $250+ in hostess credit.. meaning that I can get $250+ worth of free products! I also get gifts and stuff. Fun.. Fun.. Fun!

I also have a party booked for next month and I will start getting people to book parties with me so that I can start throwing parties.

A good thing about it is that Justyn and I can work together and do some joint "massage therapy/candle selling" party. It can work. We are just going to work out the logistics for it. I can't wait!

But it has left me very, very, very, very, very exhausted!!!

And just like that...

He passed away.

April 27th, 2007. Around noon.

His heart just finally gave up and he is now in a better place. We'd all like to think that when everyone dies that they are in a better place now. I think it gives us comfort in our grief after losing a loved one.

I personally wasn't very close to him. I would see him and his wife every time they came to the states for some medical treatment. They always treated me so nicely and spoiled me so much. I was one of their treasured grand-nieces. My father's side of the family likes to spoil me. It's my favorite part of being my father's daughter. Hahaha!

Death is something I dont think I can ever get used to. Tho' I had seen him in the hospital and saw the amount of suffering he was going thru.. tho' I had wished that the Lord would do what is right for him and for his family.. tho' we all knew that this was going to happen eventually.. tho' we all figured he wasn't going to make it thru this alive..

To know that he's actually passed away.. it still hurts..

It hurts to see his family suffer.. it hurts to know that I won't hear him cracking jokes again.. it just hurts..

But he's in a better place.. and he is no longer suffering.. that's our consolation..

Where's the chapstick?

Man.. when is the chapstick when I need it??

I think I left my gloss in my other purse. That is the curse of having too many purses in my rotation of purses. But I'm a girl.. what can i say?

So many feelings ran through me yesterday as I went to visit my father's uncle in the hospital. My parents have been telling me.. over and over and over.. his condition.. what he's going through.. how he looks.. everything..

But to see it for the first time.. It really scared me.. I hate seeing people in that state of pain.. in that state of illness.. in that state of teetering over the edge of life and death..

I hate it.. especially since I have known this man all my life.. and remember how he usually is.. happy.. always the first one to crack a joke.. full of life.. even through all the health issues he has been through..

But to see him this way.. yikes..

I don't know.. it's easy to say.. let him go.. it's for the best.. ease his suffering.. if the Lord wants to take him to His kingdom.. then by all means.. why stop it?

But at the same time.. I can see the how hard it is to let someone you love deeply go.. to know that you'll never see that person again.. to know that this person won't be around anymore..

But knowing that he will be with the Lord.. but knowing that he will no longer be suffering..

I don't know.. it was very difficult to see him.. and i keep picturing him in that hospital bed everytime i close my eyes..

Please pray for him.. that the Lord will be merciful to him and his family.. and that the Lord will do what is best for him and his family.. whether it be he lives or not.. that the Lord will do what is best.. and that the Lord embrace him and his family with love and grace in this especially hard time for all of them..

Thanks!

Wow... seriously.. wow..

Busy.. busy.. weekend!

Started off on Friday.. went to stay with one of my best friends the night before her wedding. It wasn't so bad.. we went to bed early.. 11pm ish.. so.. that was good..

The next day was her wedding.. a beautiful wedding.. one of the best weddings that I've gone to..and i was so honored to be a part of it. I wish those two all the blessings in the world..

Sunday.. I had to go to church early to go to ACT 2 rehearsal.. and then performed for the RC Library Telethon.. good times.. it was a lot of fun.. so it was exciting.

I went home and crashed in my bed at 5pm.. i only planned on sleeping til about 7pm.. but woke up at 9pm... YIKES! I wanted to just fall asleep for the rest of the night but I figured I should be smarter than that and got up and cleaned up like I told myself I was going to..

It was a busy weekend.. but I think i'm just now finally feeling the effects of it all.. exhausted and tired.. and lazy..

Lord, give me the strenght to continue on with the day.. seriously.. i need it!

Got so many Catholic podcasts that I subscribed to.. and currently listening to right now.. interesting to see everyone's point of view on certain things and to learn things about my faith that i didn't really know about.. hopefully i can use it to really be a good CCD teacher.. and to be a good defender of faith.. especially when i need it..

I need a nap!

A week later..

I am so sorry I haven't been around. My life has been nothing but hectic.

This past weekend was one of my bestest friend's bachelorette shower. We went to this nitespa in venice. It was nice. I got a nice hour-long massage. I needed it.. oh so much! They were all headed to this wine bar afterwards.. but I opted not to go. I wanted to. I had the outfit and eveything. However, I had to be a responsible singer, and go home for an early night. I had audition for ACT 2.

So, after church last Sunday, I went to the audition and it went well. I'm assuming it went well because my friend and I got our duet approved for the show! Yay!

This week I also got my PartyLite starter kit. Man, there is a lot of stuff. I never expected it to entail so much information. But I guess it should be expected. I mean, I am starting my own small business.. it's very overwhelming, but i'm sure once my mentoring consultant goes over it with me.. it's should be a piece of cake.

Tonight is my friends wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Friday is a dinner and she and a couple of us girls are going to have a slumber party at the hotel she's staying in.

Then.. the wedding. I'm so happy for her and i can't wait.

I should be able to post regularly after this.

There is something I want to address on this blog.. concerning the question I posted on my Easter Egg Hunt blog entry..

Til then.. muah!

Take me out of the dark..

Just what is it in me?
sometimes I just don't know
what keeps me in your love
why you never let me go
And though you're in me now
I fall and hurt you still
My Lord please show me how
to know just how you feel
You have forgiven me
too many times it seems
I feel I'm not what you might call
a worthy Christian after all
And though I love you so temptations
finds it's way to me

Teach me to trust in You
with all of my heart
to lean not on my own understanding
coz' I just forget
You won't give me what we can't bear
Take me out of the dark My Lord
I don't want to be there,ooh,hah

You never left my side
You gave Your hand to me
to hold You,oh Jesus
I'm no longer in the cold
And yet I leave You there
when I feel satisfied
I'd like to thank You everyday
not only when I feel that way
I've never known a man
who'd give His life for sinners like me
And yet because He loves us so
He promised us eternity
And we can have His promise
and be His if have faith and
just believe..

Teach us to trust in You
with all our heart
to lean not on our own understanding
cause we just forget
You won't give us what we can't bear
Take us out of the dark our Lord
We don't want to be there
Yeah, My Lord

Teach me to trust in You
with all of my heart
to lean not on my own understanding
'cause I just forget
You might give me what I can't bear
Take me out of the dark My Lord
I we don't want to be alone
You take me out of the dark,My lord
i don't want to be there,
ooh,ooh...hah...

Sung by Gary Valenciano

Easter Egg Hunt..

I spent Easter with Justyn and his family. It was his niece's first egg hunt.. and so.. it was a fun to see her meandering around the front yard looking for eggs..

I was part of the "hiding committee" that hid eggs around the front yard... as you can see.. i cleverly disguised an egg in it's "green-grass-bush" surroundings.. haha.. it almost looks like an egg in a nest.. except the nest is green.. not brown and made of twigs..

I am apparently giving this way too much thought..

In any case, Justyn's niece loved hunting for eggs that we ended up doing it twice!

Now.. my question is.. as a Catholic Christian.. or.. as any religion that believes in the life, death and resurrection of our Lord.. is it wrong for children to participate in Egg Hunts? Does it make them any less "christian" or does it really take away from the true meaning of this blessed religious holiday?

Lemme hear your thoughts.. and then I'll tell you mine.. and why I ask this..

The wonders of a glass of milk..

Proactivity..

I guess this is a start to my proactive outlook on life..

I always say that I need the extra money.. but I don't want the full committment of another job.. so.. I decided to become a PartyLite consultant.. meaning.. I will sell PartyLite products.. candles.. mainly.. high quality candles..

These are the candles I have been in love with for YEARS.. and to finally feel like i"m old enough and ready to sell them.. tha'ts a feat..

I've always wanted to sell PartyLite.. but at the time.. I felt like I was too young and shy.. not good enough to throw Candle Parties.. or convince people to host a party so that I can sell my product. I think I'm old enough and mature enough to handle my own lil business.. who knows.. it may become more lucrative that I expected.

I'm still waiting for my starter kit to arrive in the mail.. and then I will be having a "training" party at the end of this month.. then I should be able to book my own parties and start selling as I go..

Wish me luck and lots of blessings! I'll keep you posted on my progress.. of course..

Speedy week..

Wow.. I have to admit.. this week has flown by fairly quickly.

I mean.. it's Thursday already.

It seems to have come out of nowhere. Lent is almost over. We are in Holy Week now. Holy Thursday.. to start the Three Days.. then.. we have Easter.

And the only reason I really know that is because I teach CCD. I didn't even know that. I don't even think that they taught us that when I was going through CCD. Then again.. I was just like those little students that I teach every week.. unenthusiastic and forced to be there..

But.. look how I turned out.. so.. I shouldn't be too worried.. should i?

I just want to know that I made an impression on at least one of my students.. then my life would be complete.. I would love to see one of my kids become an alter server and then move on to other ministries..

Only God knows..

Mana.. mana..

Wanna hear me sing???

Justyn and I were playing around with iMovie again..

I'm singing.. and well.. he's... being himself...

Let me know what you think!!

I'm out...

Ok.. so I"m doing it.. I'm finally dropping that dumb show.. I can't stand it.. I'm sorry... and to be disrespected today.. that was the last straw..

Why would I let myself be subject to that.. it's not a paid gig.. it's not like its going to advance my career.. it's not like it's going to win me any Tony awards.. I mean.. it's JUST community theater.. and well.. for someone of authority to disrespect me like that.. when I honestly don't have to be there.. I really don't.. that's the final straw.. NO ONE does that to me..

Especially when I was trying to be nice.. and I was just mentioning a preference I have.. that's not right to shove it in my face and do completely opposite.. soley for the reason that I asked.. she goes and does the complete opposite..

NO ONE DISRESPECTS ME LIKE THAT..

And I've put up with a lot.. and I haven't been happy since day 1.. so.. why should I continue..

I thought I could be better than that.. and stick to it because I have a committment.. stick to it because I have a responsibility to that cast..

No.. I can't.. I can't stay in a situation where I had been blatantly disrespected.. that's just not right..

Call me a brat.. for not gettng what I wanted.. call me a diva..

A brat would have been walking out of there because she did the opposite of what i asked for.. yet.. gave me any legitimate reason for her choosing.. yet.. walked out anyway...

No.. I have every right to feel disrespected..

Hasn't it been an age-old lesson.. that when you want something.. you ask for it nicely... and maybe they'll give it to you.. maybe they won't.. but they should have their LEGITIMATE REASONS... not "just because i asked.. i'm going to be a bitch and do comepletely opposite.."

NO.. that is NOT how I roll..

So.. load of my shoulder.. but very bummed at the same time.. cuz now.. i won't be doing a show.. and it's not like anything is going to be opening up anytime soon that i can audition for.. so.. now.. i'm back to slumming and bumming it...

I'm not completely happy about that..

Categorized as THE WORST DAY... EVER!

I have bangs... and a video..

It's Justyn and I.. we have nothing better to do.. so.. we do this.. oh the wonders of YouTube..

I CAN'T BELIEVE I CUT MY BANGS..

It's taking awhile to get used to.. but I think I'm glad I did it..

How excitng!

I just figured out that I can use my built in camera on my lovely MacBook and make videos on iMovie..

Everyone probably knew that before I did.. but I just figured it out right now.. so.. you'll be seeing some videos of me soon.. I'll put them on YouTube then embed them on here.. of course.. I won't know exactly what the videos will be.. maybe me singing.. or talking.. or something..

But at least I know I can do it.. and I'll just learn how to do editing on iMovie and maybe make some fun movies and stuff..

This is.. all pendng on how much time I have on my hands.. which isn't much.. but it's still a start.. i can't wait.. i'm so excited..

The little things in life that make me most happy!

Gorge!

Tomorrow.. I will gorge on all that is unholy.. hahaha.. cupcakes.. cookies.. pizza... juice.. candy..

My kids are having their lil Easter party in my CCD class tomorrow..

I usually have them do some sort of activity before the food festivities begin.. so i decided to do something that they associate easter with.. and give it a little religious twist..

So.. I bought some of those foam sheets.. those colored ones.. the ones for lil crafty things.. and I cut them into egg shapes.. actually just ovals that I drew out from the computer..

I also bough foam stickers with little religous pictures and symbols on it..

So.. it'd be like.. decorating an Easter Egg.. with religious decorations.. so that they know why they are really celebrating this holiday.. so.. it's kinda like the best of both worlds.. i guess..

We also make these cute lil Easter cups.. and filled them up with candy.. and topped them off wiht those lil grass things that you use to fill up easter baskets.. cutest lil give-a-ways ever! Genius..

I can start a gifting business.. hey.. what do you know.. that's something I've always wanted to do..

OH ya.. made the cutest scarf EVER.. so good.. i'm making another one just like it.. and i'm going to try my luck on Ebay with it..

HOPING!!!!

A public service announcement from your friendly CCD teacher..

A little note of advice.. from a CCD teacher's perspective..

I mean.. seriously.. do you really have to depend on US to teach your kids the basics of our faith.. like.. simple gestures and prayers.. and what not.. like the Sign of the Cross.. it's something that you do ALL THE TIME.. or the Lord's Prayer.. something that you've said ALL YOUR LIFE..

And why do you have to wait til your child starts taking CCD classes to start going to church every week.. and why does it seem like we have to pull teeth just to get you to do so.. I understand that maybe Sundays aren't good days for some people.. but I mean.. at the beginning of the year.. I give you a whole list of churches in the area... and different times of the day.. saturday and sunday..

And please.. when i am teaching them prayers.. please.. please.. please help them.. help them memorize them.. go over them everyday.. help us.. we aren't doing this to torture them.. we aren't doing this just because we want to pack their brains with things.. these are very important prayers.. prayers that they will take with them for the rest of their life.. prayers that help them practice their faith.. i teach them that prayer is not only those formattted prayers.. but their own words and thoughts can be prayers too.. so help them.. teach them.. pray with them.. show them that you support what they are doing.. that you had been there too.. so.. help them out..

Make sure you tell them to pay attention when i'm trying to teach them things.. I mean.. I'm not a babysitting service.. I'm here for a reason.. I know that they might not be too thrilled to be there.. but please.. let them know that I'm doing this for a reason.. help them.. help us.. do us a favor..

We are not paid volunteers.. we don't have to be there.. we don't have to teach them.. we are here because we care about children and their faith journey.. we want to see them grow into strong Catholic men and women.. but help us..

And I'm stepping off my podium now.. I'll be back tomorrow with my regularly scheduled blogging..

Going outta my head..

I'm tired..

I need a vacation. I'm in desperate need of a vacation.

I had rehearsal today, but ditched. I am so bad. I really don't like this show. So, you can see a full lack of committment to it. Everyone knows that I am always at every rehearsal when it comes to theater. I rarely miss a rehearsal. I usually only miss a rehearsal if it's something unavoidable..

I just didn't feel like going after my CCD class.. so.. I didn't..

That makes me so bad.. such a flake.. DEFINTIELY NOT GOOD.

I don't know.. its' just a wrong kind of atmosphere. It's community theater, I'm not being paid for it.. in fact.. I paid a lot of money to be in it.. I should at least enjoy it.. right?

Well.. I"m not.. for the first time in a long time.. i'm miserable doing this show..

What can I do though.. I made a committement.. and i don't want to look too bad in front of these directors.. that I actually enjoy working with.. it's just.. the show.. it's not right for me.. it's not something I really ssee myself getting into..

I shoudn't have auditioned in the first place..

Sigh.. if I only knew then what I know now.. tsk.. tsk.. tsk..

Just a little unwell..

They weren't kidding when they said that this cough lingers.. man.. it's lingering alright..

The entire illness is lingering.. I don't feel 100% better yet.. I wish I were.. I'm still a lot more tired than I was before I got sick.. and this cough isn't helping..

It's not fun being a singer with a cough.. singers require a lot of air intake before a phrase.. and well.. it's those deep breaths that activate something that makes me cough.. and once I cough.. i cna't stop.. it's annoying as all heck!

I'm not letting this stop me from all that I have to do. However, I do know that I am not fully recovered and too much work can easily bring me into a relapse. I just don't like being slowed down. I have a lot to do in life.

Is this God's way of telling me to slow down???

Love the one you're with..

OK.. so..

I love him because he knows how to take me down from my high horse..

Lots of you dont' really know me.. but I guess you can say that I can be a little stuck-up and snobbish at times.. I know my character flaws.. I can deal with it.. I know what I can be.. and there are times that I wont' change it.. becuase I just don't want to..

It's what makes me human.. i guess..

Anyway.. Justyn knows how to just.. well.. tell me like it is.. bring me down a few notches.. he doesn't take the b.s. from me.. he truly does know how to handle me.. I guess.. you can say it's rough being my significant other..

There are many times i find myself questioning why I allow myself to be in a relationship.. I'm probably one of the worst people to get invovled with..

But Justyn tells me that coudln't be furthest from the truth.. yes.. I'm difficulut.. he isn't blindly in love enough to not see how difficult it is to be with me.. but I know that I can still be very caring.. and I do love him deeply..

I love him because he sees me for what I truly am.. he can call me on my masquarade.. he knows me.. and only me.. and if it's enough for him.. then it shoudl be enough for me..

He's teaching me to be happy with myself.. whith the character flaws and traits I was given.. and how to change them for the better.. when I want to be a better person..

Why would I want to let that go?

He cares.. unconditionally.. I shoudl be able to make myself a little more easier to work with.. because of it.. right?

Three.. two... one... it's Sunday!

Dang it.. I should be asleep..

I'm not 100% recovered.. but I'm up and about and doing my thing.. so I figured it was time to come back full-blast..

This was a doozy indeed..

Let me tell you..

It started on last Saturday.. i was at the rehearsal for the show and I was having a massive allergy attack.. i mean.. runny nose.. literally.. i was in the restroom every 15 minutes to go and blow my nose and stuff.. it was bad.. the sneezing.. the nose.. the teary eyes.. yikes... not a pretty picture..

Then.. on Sunday.. we had a Cursillo meeting.. and i was ok.. just a little allergied out and tired.. wen't home immediately after that.. and went to sleep.. i was dead tired.. and i didn't feel like doing anyting else..

Woke up several times that night.. dizzy.. so congested.. just downright rotten..

Got up at 4am in the morning.. and i tried to go to the bathroom and when i stood up.. i was sooo dizzy.. i almost fell over.. i had to hold on to the walls just to keep from falling.. it was at that point that i called in sick to work.. there was no way I would be able to survive a workday feeling like that.. i was also burning up.. i'm sure i had a fever of 102 degrees or so.. took some Advil.. and went to bed..

Monday.. complete trainwreck.. didn't feel good at all.. stayed in bed and slept all day..

Tuesday.. I felt better enough to go to work.. took some advil and sudafed in the morning.. but forgot to bring some to take after the 6 hours and the meds wore off.. i left work early..

Wednesday.. feeling a little better.. and a lil arsenal of back-up meds with me.. i lasted through the work week.. and through teaching my CCD class... went' straiht to bed though..

Same with Thursday.. Same with Friday..

But I have been progressivly getting better..

So.. now.. I'm back.. no so much "full-force" but I'm back..

Thanks for all the prayers!

I just wish this cough would go away now.. sigh..

Ah.. I didn't disappear!

Ok.. sorry for the lack of bloggage..

I'm suffering from the worst case of "head cold" ever..

In fact.. I need to go back to sleep..

Pray for a speedy recovery.. I've got too many things to do for this illness to slow me down!

Why wouldn't I be scared..

I got a comment about yesterdays post that seemed to be.. 100% wrong..

I mean.. God doesn't NOT give you those feelings of fear.. we give ourselves the feelings of fear.. God gives us the strenght and comfort to do things we don't normally do..

Yes.. I'm scared to be a public speaker.. especially when it comes to the Lord and the church.. not because God makes me scared.. or it doens't mean that God doesn't exist because there is fear in the world..

I'm scared.. nervous.. apprehensive..

But only because I don't feel worthy enough to do works for the Lord.. He has done so many great things for me.. and I feel very much indebt to Him.. but I don't feel worthy enough.. or I don't think I'm really a good enough person to say things about God.. I'm hardly an example of the "almost-perfect Catholic"..

I used to be what you would call the "catholic schoolgirl" type.. not in the sense that I was completely "easy" but yes.. I have made some wrong decisions.. you could hardly call me saintly..

And even today.. I make the wrong choices.. and have to live by them..

So ya.. am I really worthy of sending out His message? Really?

That's why I get so scared.. because I feel like.. one of these days.. someone might see me for what I really am.. and they would totally call me on it..

Am I making sense?

I don't know..

Thanks to Dr. John and Betty for those lovely comments..

Since when??

Seriously..

Since when have I become the public speaker extraordinare..

I mean.. seriously..

First.. I had to make a speech/testimonial at my church about stewardship and what everyone can do to help..

Now.. well.. I have to do the opening prayer for a meeting for the Cursillo thing..

Man.. I'm not a speaker.. i'm not.. i'm a singer.. and dancer.. and sometimes an actor.. but a public speaker.. I am not!

But.. it seems like God has other plans for me.. so.. who am i to turn my back to those plans.. i just ask that He continue to guide me.. sigh..

The rundown.. the skinny.. the 411..

So.. I sang..

Honestly.. it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be..

My nerves did NOT get the best of me..

I prayed that I wouldn't mess this opportunity up.. especially since it was all for Him.. I just wanted it to be perfect.. especially for the whole congregation.. so that they would feel inspired to following along in song with the Mass..

They all said i did well..

I've never been able to know whether or not i personally did well.. i'm overly critical of myself.. so.. i'll always think i suck..

That's just me..

But.. I'm over the fear of the unknown.. i can do it again.. when they ask.. yay!

Scared

Ok.. never in my whole church going life have I been afraid.. nervous.. of going to church..

Today is the first day I'm ever going to Cantor the entire the church... I'm used to being part of the choir.. but today.. I'm cantoring.. meaning i have to do the whole responsorial psalm and it's verses.. by myself..

And i don't think I'd be nervous if i were doing this at my smaller church.. cuz it's smaller and everyone kinda knows me and it's easier there..

But this is at the much bigger church.. SCARY.. it's a huge church and everyone's gonna be there to see me and hear me.. and it's all formal and stuff..

SCARY..

Wish me broken legs a plenty!!!!

Utter dislike..

So.. the show I'm in.. the show I worked so hard to audition for.. the show that i was so nervous about not being casted in.. and getting casted it..

I HATE IT!

Argh.. the music sucks.. the casting isn't all that great.. i'm not happy.. i can't feel the songs.. i'm just not happy with the show at all..

But will I quit.. no..

I made it a policy of mine never to drop out of a show unless it were a dire emergency.. my utter dislike of the show.. well.. it doesn't count as a dire emergency.. I just don't like it.. i can't stand it..

But I have been in many shows that I didn't like..

I'm only doing it for the friend value.. Justyn's in the show to.. but still.. i'm not happy.. he's cast as someone.. and i'm just in the ensemble.. ya.. whatever.. yes.. i'm jealous.. because i'm very competitive and i don't think it's very fair that when i'm just as good as him.. they didn't have a role for me..

Diva? Yes.. I am.. but do i care? No..

I'm used to being cast aside and watching all the people that aren't as good or whatever.. getting their moment in time..

Im biding my time.. eventually it'll be my turn..

Argh.. i hate this show so much!